To be selfish and not support my husband’s career?

[coco123456789]

My husband has a great job but it is very niche. Opportunities are few and far between and very sought after. He has been headhunted for a job which is a great career move for him, and is the next (final) rung on the ladder to his ultimate job. He is over the moon to have been sought out in this way. However...it is overseas and I really don’t want to move abroad. We have such a lovely life. 2 young kids very happy in their (state) primary school, a toddler, family nearby, friends and a very nice way of life. I don’t have to work, but have always done a bit of part time work. The only issue is that my DH works really crazy hours and is really frustrated in his job as he knows he needs to move forward - but has gone as far as he can where he is. He is very very stressed by his job and has no time for hobbies. So I guess maybe my life to me seems brilliant, but to him his life isn’t and he really wants to fulfil his career goals and not work so many hours. I find it really hard to understand as I am not a career person and get no sense of identity from work. Am I selfish to not want to go? I am so scared of the upheaval. It would be for 3-5 years but even that is too long for me. It’s not lost on me that we only have this comfortable life because of his job though. If he doesn’t take it, I think he could become even more down (he has been very down the last couple of years and it has caused a lot of tension between us). In a marriage should I do these things to support him? I am trying to imagine what it would be like if it was the other way around. If I had a really strong dream and opportunity I wanted to fulfil and he held me back. I would resent him I guess. Anyway, any guidance would be great!

If you want to stay married you need to go. I was a Sahm and always prioritised my kids but I knew I had to go when my dh worked abroad for 3 years. As my mum said" is there nothing you won't do for that boy?" It surprised me as I always thought I put my kids first but actually to look after them you need to look after your marriage. It was a fantastic experience and then I put my foot down and we came back to the UK. I don't think a marriage can survive long periods of isolation because you'd living such different lives, he'd have time to go out with colleagues drinking/meals gym, etc etc and your life experience could put a wedge between you.

So can you go to 5 days a week?

What is the point if DH is working the hours because he loves his work (even if feeling stuck in the current level)? Its one thing to do more hours if it means both are working similar outside and inside but that assumes he would reduce his own hours in work he loves.

The OP is in an unhappy marriage and I'd suspect relies on family help for emotional support as much as practical help whilst she is working for money as opposed to facilitate family life.

Moving abroad as a dependent with DC whilst in an unhappy marriage is not something I'd do or want to see my DC doing.

I did acknowledge she said she was happy.

OP I think maybe you acknowledging you are happy and have a cleaner and your mum helping is just giving ammunition to the haters.

If you had said
" DH has a career he loves although he is unhappy in his current place if work. I am left as the main caregiver for our 3 young kids while he works long hours and we don't see much of him. He won't change his job here as Its his dream career and he wouldnt consider taking a step down or reducing the pressure on himself. Now he wants to move to Australia for a promotion. I don't want to go as I would lose my entire support network and think i would probably see even less of him. The chikden are very happy in their lives, schools and home. AIBU?" You would have an entirely different set of answers.

This thread is weird.
Moving to the other side of the world is a massive upheaval. I’m very sympathetic to the DH being stressed at work but that doesn’t mean he gets the biggest say so in major family decisions. Nor does the fact that he’s earning more than OP.

Essentially, op you are saying uis current job makes him miserable.

But you actually dont want anything to change. Dont want to move, dont want him to go alone, dont want to pick up more working days, reduce outgoings etc or change your lovely life.

I mean who would? A nanny lots of help from your mother and only work part time. Sounds great.

What is your proposed solution to this?

OP I think maybe you acknowledging you are happy and have a cleaner and your mum helping is just giving ammunition to the haters.

I disagree. I think why is shocking people is that ops life seems very easy and she has a great life

She knows her husband doesnt and is blocking anyway of making it better.

Yeah, I do judge anyone who can sit by knowing their partner is miserable and hope it doesnt change cause their life is ok.

Thanks everyone - loads to think about........

This thread is so weird. Why are people so competitive and jealous and talk of OP having a ‘dream’ life? She has three young children and works! She’s doing loads for her family and her Dh?!

I have three kids, I’ve done every combination of full time work. SAHM, part time, variety of numbers of days

The more days I’m at work the easier things are - being home looking after three young children when your other half works long hours is HARDER than work. Really. I skip out the door on my working days! I love it! Work is a privilege and OP is facilitating her Dh working every day.

If OP’s DM helps and she pays for some domestic help it is totally sensible, two working parents, it’s sensible.

Also - help from nearby parents often works both ways, they need help too.

My dh was/is a workaholic. We have been married for nearly 30 years. I think you should support him. Yes it's tough but marriages involve compromise.

Love grows. The DC had the best educations. We have beautiful homes. Life has been and is good.

If you don't want to support him I'm sure his next wife will.

Also I’d never move abroad, I’ve seen it break up families and I don’t think it is worthwhile. I would have done earlier in life without kids for a couple of years but would never force that on my family.

But that is just me.

I don’t think I could consider my life as being lovely if my DH was miserable.

But if she had said that it wouldnt have been totally truthful would it. She wouldnt lose an entire support network because she could hire a cleaner, a nanny and someone to do the ironing in the other country. She would lose having her parents on the doorstep, which she would lose if she moved within this country anyway. Neither is she left as the main care giver that is her choice. Its what she wants to do. And that is absolutely fine but if the arrangement isnt working for both of them then a compromise has to be reached.

Your DH will be the exact same in any job. The issue is not the job it's his personality. Trust me.
If he overworks, doesn't make time for himself and blames everyone around him (including you) then this is the sort of person he is.
If he was a different sort of person, he wouldn't stand for working so many hours and would have done something about it before this.
If he has no hobbies and no friends here then he won't magically become Mr sociable throwing parties in the new place.
You'll just be moving the same work situation to a different location.
He'll work all hours god sends to prove himself and think himself the great lad in the new job, while you try to carve out a life for yourself on your own. 'Fulfill career goals' comes before family by the sound of it.

I would go, DH & I travelled, just for one year, in our 40s and it gave me such a different view of life, so many opportunities and new experiences, I think it made me a much more interesting person. in the scheme of things 3-5 years is nothing.

I did acknowledge she said she was happy

I agree with most of your post but where does the OP say she is happy?

She says the DC are happy, that she has a good standard of living and that she is happy for him that he is recognised in this way. However I don't see the OP saying that she is happy in this marriage.

Life as an expat in an unhappy marriage with a partner working long hours and no family support is pretty grim, however lovely the beaches may be.

Work is a privilege and OP is facilitating her Dh working every day.

And he is facilitating her having plenty of help and working only part time. While she knows he isnt happy.

I am not jealous. I just think that saying 'I am happy so things need to stay as they are, even if you arent happy' is a shit way to treat a partner.

You dont have to work abroad but something has to give. Maybe he takes a cut in salary and freelances part time? Clearly something needs to change but you need to decide which.

Without outing myself if Brexit continues to cause issues for DH's job we need to move or he take a lower paid job. Tbh i love being comfortable and not needing to work so although it's not ideal i would prefer it to the alternative (plus my job is in the same industry so also at risk!).

If it's Simgapore all my colleagues and friends in my crazy industry have a much better work / life balance so could be a good move.

Work is a privilege and OP is facilitating her Dh working every day

That a hell of a way of looking at life!
His work is stressful, in a toxic environment and not fulfilling. It allows his partner to stay at home with domestic help and no need to work to keep the wolf from the door.

Yes - so much privilege - but not for the bloke!

I would ho, it's not forever and I wouldn't want my DH to be so miserable and just plodding on because I was not willing to try it.

C8H10N4O2 yes maybe you're right. I thought she had said she was happy but maybe not.

I would never move my whole family to the other side of the world and am shocked that the Op not having a full time job seems to mean to some people that she isn't entitled to want to live wherever she chooses.

If the DH is unhappy at work then he presumably has to look at his options himself. The only possible choice being to move to Australia ( or wherever) is ludicrous. He may have to consider another industry or a side step if the move abroad is really, genuinely the only option for him. Alternatively he moves but his family don't.

Nowhere has the op said she wouldn't work full time or make sacrifices if the DH did want to change his career. She has repeatedly said he doesn't want to change his career. If she works full time they will just be paying for someone else to do what she does. Why would that be less selfish?

Ultimately, will it cause the breakdown of your marriage if you refuse to go? He’ll ‘plod on’ if you refuse? Can you do that to him? Given the age of the kids and the money he’s earning (meaning you have a nanny/ironing person/only need to work a couple of days a week), presumably it will be similar over there, giving you time to find mum friends etc?

I think I’d go . The only thing I’d worry about is the possibility of it being forever as opposed to 3-5 years. My sibling told her partner was a ‘trial’. It wasn’t, she wasn’t truthful and whilst everything is now fine, at the time, her partner was very angry about it being permanent.

I think you need to break it down.

He goes ahead first, you and dc follow at the 6 month point. You commit to a full academic year (or x 2) but bringing dc back ready to settle back in primary school by year 4/5/6 (how likely are you to get places back?) Then he stays a max one year more, with frequent funded trips home. Take your Mum as part of the deal if she’ll come (joke).

The DH has lots of choices. He apparently isn't happy in his work, but is totally driven by it. Why won't he try something different? Actively seek out a different opportunity that won't require uprooting 5 people from a place where they can be happy despite his being quite absent from family life. The OP's choice of lifestyle works for her, but what compromises has she had to make to allow her DH to have three children?

You might have a "very nice way of life" but in your own words your husband works crazy hours, is frustrated and stressed.

Why would you not want to make a sacrifice so you can both have a better life?

YABU

Clearly your husband is ambitious and successful. You knew that when you married him, had children with him and relied on his wage for you to work part time, with staff to help.

The children will adapt, it’s not forever and he will clearly resent you if you prevent this.

FWIW, I’m a married mother who earns multiples of my high earning DH. I do not believe women are subservient and would never automatically follow a man.

In your specific circumstances though, you need to be selfless. The new company can find you work (honestly, your paid job is peripheral to this) the children will adapt and your husband needs this to ‘be the PM.’

You’ve enjoyed the fruits of his labour for this long; what’s another few years?