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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be selfish and not support my husband’s career?

993 replies

coco123456789 · 01/06/2019 17:32

My husband has a great job but it is very niche. Opportunities are few and far between and very sought after. He has been headhunted for a job which is a great career move for him, and is the next (final) rung on the ladder to his ultimate job. He is over the moon to have been sought out in this way. However...it is overseas and I really don’t want to move abroad. We have such a lovely life. 2 young kids very happy in their (state) primary school, a toddler, family nearby, friends and a very nice way of life. I don’t have to work, but have always done a bit of part time work. The only issue is that my DH works really crazy hours and is really frustrated in his job as he knows he needs to move forward - but has gone as far as he can where he is. He is very very stressed by his job and has no time for hobbies. So I guess maybe my life to me seems brilliant, but to him his life isn’t and he really wants to fulfil his career goals and not work so many hours. I find it really hard to understand as I am not a career person and get no sense of identity from work. Am I selfish to not want to go? I am so scared of the upheaval. It would be for 3-5 years but even that is too long for me. It’s not lost on me that we only have this comfortable life because of his job though. If he doesn’t take it, I think he could become even more down (he has been very down the last couple of years and it has caused a lot of tension between us). In a marriage should I do these things to support him? I am trying to imagine what it would be like if it was the other way around. If I had a really strong dream and opportunity I wanted to fulfil and he held me back. I would resent him I guess. Anyway, any guidance would be great!

OP posts:
janetforpresident · 01/06/2019 21:01

Are the people criticising the op reading a different thread to me?

The OP's DH is unhappy in his dream career at the moment because of internal politics but it still doing his dream career while op brings his three children up including one who is not school age. He is never there for school runs and rarely even there for bedtime. She also manages to hold down a part time job.

She has nowhere said that she is living her dream life. She has said that she is happy. That doesn't mean that she always dreamt of changing nappies, playing dress ups and driving to and from school while juggling hundreds of different menial tasks.

She is doing it what most of us do and putting her children first. If the DH is resentful then I would suggest he is putting his career first.

Original poster
coco123456789 · 01/06/2019 21:01

Nancydrawn - you have it exactly right. His career is his passion. He’s not like lots of my friends husbands who are lawyers / accountants and hate it but love the money and live for the weekend when they can go cycling and playing golf all day. His career is an integral part of him.

OP posts:
clutterqu33n · 01/06/2019 21:01

You want it all. You want to be close to family, you want to have a nice lifestyle, you want to spend time with the DC but one thing you don't want is working (at 3 & 5 most women are back to work full time).

you would be happy to continue with the status quo despite your DH being unhappy and having been offered the opportunity of a lifetime. I think this is incredibly selfish.

You either are a team or you aren't. maybe you should let him go and get out and work and see what life is actually like when you have to take responsibility for your life. maybe, you'd appreciate your DH's contribution more.

DecomposingComposers · 01/06/2019 21:02

You're not unreasonable to say that you don't want to move but you are unreasonable to say that everything has to stay as it is now.

What changes are you willing to make OP to even this up a bit?

SmellMySmellbow · 01/06/2019 21:04

My post was a mostly sarcastic response to yours as I felt it was very OTT to call him selfish and talk about the OP putting up with the 'daily grind'. She loves her life and seems to have a very comfortable one, including someone to do the cleaning and ironing etc. So no 'daily grind' about it from her perspective and it's a stretch to call the person who has been supporting that lifestyle for so long, selfish. Just because he enjoys the work he clearly hates the job, but has been stuck in it. So yes, obviously enough is enough and he needs to stop. If he then doesn't move abroad for a promotion he needs to take a demotion here and OP needs to step up and the balance or work and childcare/homecare made more equal. Or they split up and he moves abroad for his promotion and the OP will need to get more financial independence anyway. Whatever happens, her current lifestyle is going to need to change.

Original poster
coco123456789 · 01/06/2019 21:04

I do work!

OP posts:
C8H10N4O2 · 01/06/2019 21:04

Sound like your DH is allowing you to live without working while he shoulders the work, stress, long hours etc

Yes because being a SAHM to a largely absent partner is a walk in the park. The DH does long hours because he loves the job and would be doing the same abroad in the next job. This isn't someone doing double shifts at the factory to make ends meet.

The OP may want to work for money in a few years but its not going to change the work pattern of someone who absolutely love the job and currently puts that before his family.

clutterqu33n · 01/06/2019 21:05

even if he works long hours, 2 of your 3 kids are in school, your mum helps a lot, you have a cleaner and someone to help with the ironing

genuine question: why are you so dependant on help from others? You need an incredible amount of support and you don't even work. it's pretty unusual. that's why I wonder.

kbPOW · 01/06/2019 21:07

Just stop being so selfish. Why don't you try working crazy hours with no time to relax and then see how lovely your life is.

This forum is called Mumsnet. There are some disgusting posts on this thread. Maybe trailing spouses are over-represented here. OP you have every right to say you do not want to go.

kindler · 01/06/2019 21:07

I hope you decide to go. Every marriage has give and take - sometimes you give. It’s temporary, and will be a wonderful experience for your children also, seeing and living in another culture for a while. Your husband sounds like a good guy, who has supported you and now could use your support to take a once in a lifetime opportunity.

SmellMySmellbow · 01/06/2019 21:08

Op I know you work. Can you move to full time hours? I know you'll need childcare but if your husband takes a step down, you work full time, you both pay childcare (childminder and after school clubs) and possibly your mum can help, could you stay in your current house?

chaoscategorised · 01/06/2019 21:09

I'd go, without a doubt.

TeacupDrama · 01/06/2019 21:09

you can't say no to the move without coming up with a different solution

if you are a team as you should be in a marriage you need several long conversations on how you move forward

I think DH is clearly saying that he can't keep going in current job much longer so a solution needs to be found

Alsohuman · 01/06/2019 21:09

Crossroads time, isn’t it? If you refuse to go, are you prepared to live with his resentment? Because, make no mistake, he will resent you and you’ll see the reproach in his eyes more and more frequently. In fact, I’d say, if you refuse to go, you’re probably ending your marriage.

As the wife and daughter of military personnel, going where the job dictates is the norm for me. I spent part of my childhood abroad and it was the best part. I know my mum felt like you, in the end she loved it and came back very reluctantly.

PleasePassMeAGrip · 01/06/2019 21:10

Hi Coco,

My husband is a workaholic - I’m not sure if your husband is - but we moved for his work with a shaky marriage. The issues have stayed the same but it’s been brilliant!

I have been an ex-pat twice before and my father was in the Army so I’m used to moving but I think it’s a great thing to do. You will get homesick for sure, but that will be outweighed by other benefits. Also don’t give up in the first year - that can always be a bit rough. I would let out your house and go! It will be fun! And you can always come home.

But I would be certain on the following - he is a nice man, not mean or likely to become increasingly hostile to you if you are isolated and lonely - he will support you when you are feeling down (we all do from time to time and initially you will be without a support network), you will all grab every opportunity to join in and meet people in the new country. If you think you can all manage that then go, it’s one of those things you’ll probably regret if you don’t.

Stuckforthefourthtime · 01/06/2019 21:10

@janetforpresident

He's not the only DH who doesn't do school runs or bedtime due to a vocation-type job - mine is the same, and I have 4 DCs and am working full time as the main earner, without a mum around to help, or an ironing person, unlike op.

This isn't just jealousy (though I certainly am envious!), I just doubt that it's her part time job funding this comfortable life, and think that the current situation isn't tenable.

You're not a team if the status quo is making one of you unhappy, but the other one doesn't want to make a change as they would lose their comfort. Doesn't have to be a move overseas but she is bu not to be finding alternatives to improve their family situation.

Original poster
coco123456789 · 01/06/2019 21:11

Just confirming - I have a job. I work 2 days a week and have a nanny on those days. I would not be devastated to leave my job though and I’m in tech and have very transferable skills.

OP posts:
bluebeck · 01/06/2019 21:13

The problem for me would be that if you go and don't like it, you could be stuck there forever, because you won't be able to take the DC back to UK unless DH agrees. I have read loads of threads on here from women in this awful situation.

I think he should take the job, and you visit regularly, as well as him coming home regularly, and review it after a year.

SmellMySmellbow · 01/06/2019 21:13

So can you go to 5 days a week?

PleasePassMeAGrip · 01/06/2019 21:13

Also I would say which country it is - people might be able to help more - I imagine the export experience in Singapore is different from Australia to the US to even the Falkland Islands.

DecomposingComposers · 01/06/2019 21:13

So what is your proposed solution then OP?

Why not work full time and let your DH work 2 days a week?

sweeneytoddsrazor · 01/06/2019 21:14

@janetforpresident. The OP has said she has a lovely life, likes being at home and doesn't want to work full time. She also said she doesnt understand his love of work as she is not a career person.

clutterqu33n · 01/06/2019 21:14

sorry, OP, thought somehow you were a sahm/not working Blush

Can you up your hours so DH can cut his? clearly, something needs changing. but expecting DH to carry on so nothing will change for you isn't fair.

Ginger1982 · 01/06/2019 21:17

Why can't you work more days?

PotatoesDieInHotCars · 01/06/2019 21:18

It sounds like he's heading for a breakdown if he stays in this current job which will likely affect your lovely life, so maybe you should encourage him to go alone. It doesn't matter really if you go there together or if you stay here together because one of you is going to resent the other anyway. It'll be better for you to remain near your family in case the marriage ends.