DH never lets me have a lie in at the weekend

[bebeboeuf]

It’s always been that of a weekend one of us would get a lie in each taking it in turns.

However, with DS turning 2 soon I’ve realised that it hardly ever happens for me because DH is in such a bad mood when he wakes up he wakes me up too anyway so I might as well have got up and everyone would be calmer

I’m more annoyed this weekend because last weekend we stayed with my parents and when DS would wake I quietly took him downstairs for breakfast and to play.
Saturday morning DH slept until 10am, this is an unusually long lie in for him, but he obviously needed it.

The next morning when DS woke I could hear DH getting huffy so seeing as I was at my parents house I took DS downstairs again.

Maybe I wrongly assumed that this meant that I would at least get one lie in this weekend.
I’m on my period and exhausted and feeling crabby due to the cramps.

DS woke at 6:30, DH got cross with him, tried to put him back to bed when DS didn’t want to do there was tears and then DH went downstairs and put him in front of the tv and then came back upstairs at which point he made a dig at me for not helping and then went and lied down in the other room because he was cross with me!

I didn’t know this until I went downstairs 30 minutes later to find DH having just got downstairs and I asked if DS has been downstairs alone.

I’ve now explained why I’m cross with DH and he has :

A - blames my period
B - complained I’ve made him do some DIY this weekend (DIY which I previously said we could get someone in to do but apparently that was an insult to him as he felt emasculated by the comment but still blames me for making him do it)
C - told me to go away
D - tried to apologise badly, and follows that with getting cross at me for not accepting bad apology

He’s been complaining how I never cuddle him or are loving towards him and he wonders why and says he sees me be loving to DS when he is upset and why can’t I be the same to him.

My dh felt the same. Once he understood that the problem was that I was exhausted and feeling "touched out" from looking after a young child who needed constant holding, he found a great solution. He used to get up with the toddler on Saturday morning, feed her, play with her, take her to the park for a few hours, then return and settle her for a nap or else plop her in front of the cartoons while coming up to our bedroom in hopes that I might be in the mood. Having had a couple extra hours of sleep followed by a bath and breakfast alone, I often was in the mood! Not always, and he didn't consider it his due, but it did maximise his chances of getting lucky.

The switching to Saturday lie-in for you, then on the Sunday giving him exactly what he gave you sounds like a winner.

But before this happens, sit him down and make expectations clear, that he is to man up and parent effectively with no huffing and puffing.

6.30 is a perfectly normal wake time for a two year old. He needs to accept it and start the day then.

And it is NOT sexy when he whines about needing attention like DS. There is nothing remotely attractive about a man who wants to be mothered like a smal boy. If he wants more affection, the quickest way to get it is to pull his weight, act like an adult, and start appreciating you for everything you do.

This really makes me angry falls to to you to do virtually everything. Even when your dh does his measly share makes it difficult for you, utter juvenile twat!!!! From my experience,(teen dc now) sort this now otherwise you are in for a lifetime of everything falling to you. If he doesn't grow up boot him out, I know this sounds extreme but some never get it and you end up with another child on your hands IYSWIM.

Whilst I absolutely agree with a lot of what pp have said, it is def not fair, I could have written this post myself.
Here’s how I would translate what just happened if it were DH and I:
I forgot I had 2 lie ins- I’m sorry
I didn’t know we took turns- You made up a general rule and didn’t tell me
I want to have a lie in together- I’m frustrated with the situation because I love you and would like to cuddle in the mornings.
Fuck off- I let my guard down and tried to apologise and i’m Angry you didn’t accept.

You know your relationship best but if this were me I’d use this as an opportunity to agree the rule between you for future and get on with your weekend. Also, I get completely touched out by the end of the day but I try and give DH a 5 min cuddle or back rub etc. He’s just more helpful if he’s happy.

Fuck the lie in. He left a toddler downstairs on their own for half an hour?!!!!

I'd be raging.

He sounds awful. DS woke at six this morning he BF for about half an hour, then DH took him changed nappy, took him downstairs to play, got him to nap around nine (DH jumped in the shower during his nap but took the baby monitor into the bathroom), all the while I snoozed, DH got himself and DS dressed, brought him to me for a feed at ten and is just strapping him into the pram to take him into town to get a few bits from Sainsbury's (and DHs weekly comic books), so I'm running a bath.

Oh and I'm perfectly fine with DS waking at six, he went to bed at quarter past seven last night and he's six months old.

Oh, and I would get him to think about the effect on DS of him huffing and puffing everytime he does something with or for him.

@Saracen

So you left a toddler alone infront of the TV so you could have sex? Couldn't you just wait for night?

@AnneTwackie you shouldn't have to placate or bribe your husband with physical affection, so he is happy to look after his own child.

Stop enabling him by stepping in. Every time he throws a tantrum you step in and take over. Leave him to it and he’ll eventually sort things out for himself. It really is as simple as that. It similar to what my kids do when they don’t want to do the chores!
This
No drama
Sounds like he was trying to apologise
Like someone said earlier you really have to spell it out.
My dh is the most lovely hard working parent I know (4 adult kids) and even I have had to do this.
But I found the most effective way was very clear communication but only when I was feeling very calm.
Men just think differently.

Why do I think "lie in together" = sex?

You need a heart to heart OP, preferably in the evening when dc in bed. You need to lay it on the line - we share the lie ins and you ‘buy into’ mine (being gracious, quiet and cooperative) or the deal is off. He may be someone who is terrible on low sleep - no excuse (I am too and bevome totally irrational) but pointing it out might be the jolt he needs.

If he genuinely dowsnt see the issue then I reckon the issue goes a lot deeper. I wouldn’t want a partner who was so disrespectful of my needs or wants and so unprepared to share responsibility for the morning shift.

And yes, at 2 it’s far too young to be ontheir own. Ours only just started last year when they were 6 and 8. Our call, and could have done younger, but we felt the youngest wasn’t self sufficient and we couldn’t expect the eldest to look after her.

@zippybungleandgeorge everyone needs to feel loved and appreciated in some way in a relationship. She needs a lie in, he needs a cuddle.

What @robin2323 said

I was just thinking about this when my own children were small and how I coped as I love my lie ins. When they woke my DC either clambered in with me and we snuggled and slept some more together , or the oldest who is 6 yeas older than my youngest would entertain the younger 2, to be honest though apart from the very baby stage my DC all loved lie ins too. In your case I would definitely insist on having a fair lie in one day or no one gets one, sleep is one of the things that can make all the difference to your week and ability to cope with other things so really important.

I never, and I do mean never , got a single lie-in when Dd was a baby/toddler. I’ve heard every single bullshit reason in the world as to why ExP’s need for sleep was greater than mine.
He’d also whine about the fact that I’d “reject” him by not wanting to spend every night shagging him even though I was physically & mentally destroyed by lack of sleep.
Ultimately he was a selfish twat and it was the beginning of the end in many ways. I just couldn’t understand how he could watch someone he professed to love struggling & not want to pull his weight.
Being a single parent is tough but in many ways my life is sooo much easier now I haven’t got him snoring or whining in my ear

Are you married to my ex. Note: ex.
Have a word, lay down the rules or tell him to fuck off.

He’s jealous. I had issues like this when my kids were very tiny, combination of being very direct about my expectations and what was needed to make it fair and being prepared to leave him to it worked for us. I’d recommend leaving him to do 100% of parenting for an extended period of time, a few days as primary carer and my dh realised that it was actually exhausting and was much more sympathetic to me needing down time.
It could be that he’s a complete arse but he might just be completely underestimating what you’re doing.

Why do women put up with pathetic losers like this. Complain about them but yet still enable them.

@AnneTwackie she might feel like cuddling him if he didn't act like a selfish twat.

@zippybungleandgeorge he might be less of a selfish twat if he gets a cuddle. Just sharing what works for me.

@AnneTwackie, I agree with your interpretation. Both of you have needs and you have to find a way to resolve it. I think he was apologising or at least trying to explain himself.

You are labelling him and that is not healthy. His behaviour yes but not him.

Can you find a calm way to discuss this?

No way in hell I'd tolerate being told to go away or fuck off by anyone nonetheless a spouse! I don't know how women tolerate these horrible spouses in their lives because it'd be over for me.

My ex was like this. Despite the fact I was working nights, and he was supposedly the SAHP, he apparently needed more sleep than I did. He would sleep in every day leaving me to look after DD for most of the day even after I'd had a 12 hour shift the night before and only got back home 3 hours before DD would wake at 5/6am. I had also been the one breastfeeding all night every night for the best part of two years, but only ever got a few short lie ins as DP would just refuse to get up, and if he did would be popping in and out of the bedroom disturbing me to the point I couldn't get back to sleep. Or he'd go to sleep on the sofa meaning DD would come looking for me. This coupled with him being a sex pest and constantly out drinking ended our relationship. It's never just one thing with these men, if they are selfish in one way you can guarantee they are selfish in others. You've had lots of good suggestions OP, mine would be don't have any more children with this manbaby.

OP has been away for an hour, they’re either having a blazing row or made up and he’s getting his ‘lie in together’