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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH never lets me have a lie in at the weekend

153 replies

bebeboeuf · 01/06/2019 08:06

It’s always been that of a weekend one of us would get a lie in each taking it in turns.

However, with DS turning 2 soon I’ve realised that it hardly ever happens for me because DH is in such a bad mood when he wakes up he wakes me up too anyway so I might as well have got up and everyone would be calmer

I’m more annoyed this weekend because last weekend we stayed with my parents and when DS would wake I quietly took him downstairs for breakfast and to play.
Saturday morning DH slept until 10am, this is an unusually long lie in for him, but he obviously needed it.

The next morning when DS woke I could hear DH getting huffy so seeing as I was at my parents house I took DS downstairs again.

Maybe I wrongly assumed that this meant that I would at least get one lie in this weekend.
I’m on my period and exhausted and feeling crabby due to the cramps.

DS woke at 6:30, DH got cross with him, tried to put him back to bed when DS didn’t want to do there was tears and then DH went downstairs and put him in front of the tv and then came back upstairs at which point he made a dig at me for not helping and then went and lied down in the other room because he was cross with me!

I didn’t know this until I went downstairs 30 minutes later to find DH having just got downstairs and I asked if DS has been downstairs alone.

I’ve now explained why I’m cross with DH and he has :

A - blames my period
B - complained I’ve made him do some DIY this weekend (DIY which I previously said we could get someone in to do but apparently that was an insult to him as he felt emasculated by the comment but still blames me for making him do it)
C - told me to go away
D - tried to apologise badly, and follows that with getting cross at me for not accepting bad apology

OP posts:
HouseOfGingerbread · 01/06/2019 09:03

My ex was exactly like this. Saturdays, I'd get up, get child sorted, take her to swimming lesson, do the supermarket shop on the way home, get back at lunchtime. He'd either still be in bed, or he'd have had a lovely time practising his DJ skills.

Sunday mornings, if he did go and get her when she woke up, he always brought her back to our bed and went back to sleep himself. When he did get up with her, he'd be back upstairs in no time suggesting that we went out ie that I got up, sorted everything and drove to the chosen destination where I would be responsible for everything.

He left when she was 4. It was devastating, but actually life is so much better now. Having someone there, refusing to help, is much harder than being alone.

redspider1 · 01/06/2019 09:06

You have 2 children. Sympathies.

INeedAFlerken · 01/06/2019 09:09

I agree with previous posters: tell him you will be having Saturday mornings for your lie ins, and he MUST accept this gracefully, no huffing and puffing, he is a parent, too, and no waking you up to get you to take over. If he does, then you get Sunday, too, as a do-over and he gets nothing.

And don't have any more children until your man-child grows up himself. I'd point out it's hard to be attracted to an overgrown toddler who strops and wants things his own way ... he's supposed to be a grown up! A parent! With equal responsibilities to you. You're not the dumping ground for everything he doesn't want to do ... and then to expect you to be attracted to someone who treats you like that? Yuck.

BuildBuildings · 01/06/2019 09:15

Sounds like you've gor 2 children. He's a selfish twat.

butteryellow · 01/06/2019 09:23

This is a practical tip, but earplugs work very well for ignoring the noises on your lie-in day. If he fidgets a lot getting up there's not much to do - although a decent mattress makes a huge difference (we just got the second from top ikea one, and unless he actually sits on me, I don't feel DP's fidgetting half as much as I used to). I am not above pretending to be asleep so the kids go round to DP instead!

We have a casual one lie-in each arrangement. It generally works, DP is generally good about intercepting the kids (mine are both up 6-6:30 every day - nothing we've ever done has changed that, I can count the number of lie-ins either has had on one hand. It does get better once they're old enough to be trusted downstairs on their own for a bit)

We only got there from me getting annoyed though, and telling him that it wasn't great that he had lie-ins, but never reciprocated - that he needed to stop the kids coming to me when they could go to him, and try to keep the noise down a bit (oh, and if he really wanted to go the extra mile, a cup of tea upon waking would be lovely).

DP is just a lazy toad though, who occasionally needs to be reminded that his laziness affects others. He's not a complete man-child who expects me to mother him (although I'm sure he'd enjoy it if I did to a certain extent)

Missingstreetlife · 01/06/2019 09:23

He's relying on you giving in because he's grumpy. Don't. Stick to your guns, get grumpy yourself if you need to. He will get used to it.

4legsandawaggytail · 01/06/2019 09:27

I had one of those. With men you can assume anything. You have to communicate clearly an agreement between you and make sure he understands it. Sometimes it doesn't get any better. This lack of consideration and taking partners for granted is a huge factor in relationships breakdowns over the long term. Sometimes you have to accept that this is how it will be or have a really serious talk before it gets that far. I couldn't take the thought of growing old with someone who is so self centred. I'm now divorced.

MrsPinkCup · 01/06/2019 09:30

He's a knob - weekends if no one is working = a turn each at a lie in.

Reading stuff like this gets me so mad.

Original poster
bebeboeuf · 01/06/2019 09:33

He came upstairs after I got out of the bath to tell me-

  • he forgot he had 2 lie ins last weekend
  • he didn’t realise we took it in turns
  • he wants to have a lie in together (how il never know?!)

I told him he was lazy and selfish and made me feel resentful and less loving and aggregated towards him because of this

He told me to fuck off

OP posts:
Eustasiavye · 01/06/2019 09:37

I really do wonder why some people have children.
Did your dh really think babies and toddlers lie in bed until 9am?
He said is also of order for not supervising your 2 year old.put
You need to agree to a day where he gets up and let's you have a lie in.
As for intimacy, why would you want to be intimate with a big baby? No woman alive finds those qualities sexy.

blackcatclocks · 01/06/2019 09:41

He sounds very selfish ☹️

OneStepSideways · 01/06/2019 09:47

Re your parents house, I think letting him lie in while you took DS downstairs was the right thing to do, it's awkward enough staying at inlaws without creeping around at 5am. And why would he get up with you to 'help change a nappy etc' that makes no sense to me. It doesn't take 2 adults to change a nappy.

But I think you should make it very clear when you're having a lie in. Tell him the night before don't just assume. Wear earplugs and refuse to get up no matter how much he moans! He'll soon start going to bed earlier when he realises he can't pressure you into getting up early!

crimsonlake · 01/06/2019 09:47

You picked a good one there. No he cannot leave a 2 year old downstairs watching tv on his own nor playing in his room, they need supervising.

veggrower2 · 01/06/2019 09:51

My DH was like this but we are now in the process of divorcing. One of the things that led to that was his selfishness and comments about babysitting my children (they were all his too Hmm)

KM99 · 01/06/2019 09:52

bebeboeuf what's he like the rest of the time? Does he step up to parent during the day on weekends? I suspect I know the answer to this one.

He's a childish, selfish twat who sounds like a shabby excuse for a parent. Honestly why would you want to be intimate with him?

I'd be telling him calmly (no swearing, no raised voices, no name calling) that you are deeply unhappy, his lack of stepping up is killing your marriage and he either steps up or gets out.

Pinkvoid · 01/06/2019 09:56

I think you have (understandably) enabled him by getting up for him when he gets huffy or getting up and sacking the lie in off because he has been moody and woke you up.

In future when it’s your turn for a lie-in use ear plugs and stay in bed.

strawberrisc · 01/06/2019 09:58

I wouldn't have any more kids tbh.

6am can feel a bit annoying when you're tired but that's parenthood. My dd used to be up about this time. We didn't row over schedules and lie ins. I think you both need to stop seeing the child as a chore.

megletthesecond · 01/06/2019 10:00

I had an ex like this. He wouldn't change.
He hasn't seen the dc's in ten years but I'm sure he's had lots of lovely lie-ins 🤷‍♀️.

Marinkazurie · 01/06/2019 10:05

He’s been complaining how I never cuddle him or are loving towards him and he wonders why and says he sees me be loving to DS when he is upset and why can’t I be the same to him.

How pathetic. Does he have mummy issues? He's jealous of a child getting affection from its mum.

Pa1oma · 01/06/2019 10:06

Is this the first time he’s told you to “f off” OP? I’d this the normal language he uses with his wife?

I think, based on that alone, I’d be checking myself and any DC into a hotel.

PregnantSea · 01/06/2019 10:08

Isn't it funny how men like this so often complain that their wife doesn't want to have sex with them often enough. Who the fuck wants to have sex with a lazy twat who can't even get out of bed to give their young child some breakfast? Hmm

crochetandshit · 01/06/2019 10:10

I would absolutely "fuck off".
Get dressed and fuck off out of the house. Alone.

kaytee87 · 01/06/2019 10:12

He sounds like a cunt op.

Saracen · 01/06/2019 10:13

I do realise the main point is that your dh is being an idiot. You shouldn't have to find a solution; he should.

All the same...

Why is he so grumpy in the mornings? Does he not go to bed early enough? If so, is it within his power to get more sleep?

Can you get your rest in a different way or at a different time? For instance, tell him that if he can't enable you to have a lie in for a couple of hours then you will leave ds with him for the entire weekend while you go to your parents' house? Or get him to take ds out for the afternoon while you have a nap? Or get him to feed ds and put him to bed while you relax and go to bed early?

LannieDuck · 01/06/2019 10:14

I like the idea of you having Sat lie-ins, and then giving him the equivalent experience on Sunday, i.e. a quiet, uninterrupted lie-in on Sat gets repaid in-kind on Sun; alternatively if you're woken up by H bringing DS back to bed with him on Sat, you do the same on Sun.

Incidentally, I'm sure he manages to get up and dressed and out on time for work? The only difference with DS (when he was supposed to take him to Sunday activities) is that he's not used to getting DS ready... so he needs more practice.