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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH never lets me have a lie in at the weekend

153 replies

bebeboeuf · 01/06/2019 08:06

It’s always been that of a weekend one of us would get a lie in each taking it in turns.

However, with DS turning 2 soon I’ve realised that it hardly ever happens for me because DH is in such a bad mood when he wakes up he wakes me up too anyway so I might as well have got up and everyone would be calmer

I’m more annoyed this weekend because last weekend we stayed with my parents and when DS would wake I quietly took him downstairs for breakfast and to play.
Saturday morning DH slept until 10am, this is an unusually long lie in for him, but he obviously needed it.

The next morning when DS woke I could hear DH getting huffy so seeing as I was at my parents house I took DS downstairs again.

Maybe I wrongly assumed that this meant that I would at least get one lie in this weekend.
I’m on my period and exhausted and feeling crabby due to the cramps.

DS woke at 6:30, DH got cross with him, tried to put him back to bed when DS didn’t want to do there was tears and then DH went downstairs and put him in front of the tv and then came back upstairs at which point he made a dig at me for not helping and then went and lied down in the other room because he was cross with me!

I didn’t know this until I went downstairs 30 minutes later to find DH having just got downstairs and I asked if DS has been downstairs alone.

I’ve now explained why I’m cross with DH and he has :

A - blames my period
B - complained I’ve made him do some DIY this weekend (DIY which I previously said we could get someone in to do but apparently that was an insult to him as he felt emasculated by the comment but still blames me for making him do it)
C - told me to go away
D - tried to apologise badly, and follows that with getting cross at me for not accepting bad apology

OP posts:
Nameusernameuser · 01/06/2019 08:26

Me and DP get one lie in a month. He kept waking me up on my day or saying he needed a rest and I needed to get up. My son sleeps through so it's not even a problem getting up in the night, but one day I completely lost my shit, tears and all and said I absolutely must get some rest and he's to get up QUIETLY, take DS into the lounge and not disturb me until 9am. I'm usually up before then too. I said if he couldn't do this for me he could go and live with his mum. I meant it. It's been fine since.

givemesteel · 01/06/2019 08:26

I think you need to make it clear that you're no longer facilitating his lie in if he won't reciprocate.

On the night before his turn he needs to be going to bed early enough to not be a childish grumpy twat in the morning, 6.30 isn't even super early for a kid his age, and once they're awake at that time they're not going back to sleep.

Parker231 · 01/06/2019 08:27

We did one day each at the weekend. DH often took them to the local deli for breakfast which DT’s loved. Everyone was happy - I got peace and quiet, DT’s got their favourite breakfast and DH got a decent coffee!

Iamgoingtobehonestwithyou · 01/06/2019 08:27

It's exhausting isn't it. It's hard to explain but the lie in is everything to me. I look forward to it! Just make sure you don't feel guilty about your bath. Also don't let him create an atmosphere. I honestly think that just embeds any guilty feeling you may already be having and I think they know that.

Manclife1 · 01/06/2019 08:28

Stop enabling him by stepping in. Every time he throws a tantrum you step in and take over. Leave him to it and he’ll eventually sort things out for himself. It really is as simple as that. It similar to what my kids do when they don’t want to do the chores!

Nameusernameuser · 01/06/2019 08:28

Not a month, a week Grin

Kaykay06 · 01/06/2019 08:32

What a big baby he is, tell him to take proper turns and make sure if he disturbs your lie in you’ll do the same although childish I know.

I rarely got a lie in, if I was at home at the weekend my ex was working or nights so I had to get up same if he was home I was away to work at 6am so neither of us got lie ins and he got up for our kids every time without complaint. He should be lucky you’d be in bed and not out the house for 13 hours at work. (I’m a nurse he’s police)
Hope you get it sorted OP

Janus · 01/06/2019 08:33

I would sit down and talk to him again (you shouldn’t bloody have to though). Tell him you’re up at 6.30 every morning and you need one morning a week where you know you can get a couple extra hours. So to save any further arguments tell him you will make your lie in day Saturday and can you have a cup of tea at 8.45 on that day. You will then do the same for him on a Sunday. Definitely take up that cup of tea so he bloody gets woken up. Tell him if he doesn’t manage it on the Saturday you will get up and then take his day on the Sunday and stick to that like glue!!
We’ve had a rough rota for years and no one has ever slept last 9am (unless sick/hungover!!) as it’s just not fair on the other one.
So tell him it’s just not fair as you really plan and look forward to that one day a week.

Awrite · 01/06/2019 08:34

Well, it's a 100% chorus of YANBU.

Time to get angry and assert yourself.

How would anyone find such a manbaby attractive?

SnowsInWater · 01/06/2019 08:34

Tell him that every time he acts like a child you lose a little more respect/desire for him!

OKBobble · 01/06/2019 08:38

Personally finish your bath, get dressed and take yourself off out for the day. Even if you nip to a cafe or a park with a book. It is supposed to be nice weather. The break will do you good and maybe he will realise 2 hours of a morning is a better option than a full day without you as he seemingly is unable to parent his own child.

HypatiaCade · 01/06/2019 08:42

Swap your lie in days around, you get Saturday and he gets Sunday. Then tell him that on a Sunday you will give him the SAME lie in that he gives you on a Saturday. So nil gets nil, noise gets noise, grumpiness gets grumpiness. Then follow through! He's trying to train you, so time to train him!

Qweenbee · 01/06/2019 08:43

I hope you bollocke him for leaving a two year old alone. Frighten him with what could have gone wrong. He shouldn't need it but he's acting like a child so he needs treating like a child. Tell him that too.

Make sure you get your proper turn. You have the first one each weekend. Make sure that he knows that if he spoils your lie in then you will spoil his the next day. And make sure you let him lie in only for as long as you had. He wants longer then he facilitates you having the same.

If this doesn't happen then I'd seriously consider whether I want to be in my marriage. Tell him outright that the reason you don't feel loving is resentment of the fact that he's not doing his share of the grunt work of parenting and you are knackered.

Iamgoingtobehonestwithyou · 01/06/2019 08:44

The switch from Sunday to Saturday is brilliant advice. I am going to adopt that as it makes perfect sense. What a great suggestion.

AbbyHammond · 01/06/2019 08:45

Good suggestion from Hypatia - his behaviour on Saturday morning should determine what lie-in he gets. Bet it would improve rapidly!

pictish · 01/06/2019 08:46

Sounds rubbish. Being shitty when it’s your turn to get up with the children is very selfish and it certainly isn’t attractive. It’s domineering, self-centred, intimidating and manipulative. This is a man who wants his own way on this and doesn’t care who he has to trample over to get it. Not very appealing at all. Yanbu.

Wellthatwastricky · 01/06/2019 08:47

6:30 wake ups are the problem. I personally would be trying to adjust DS’ sleep schedule so he wakes up later.

I beg to differ. Put my kids to bed later, shorter naps, whatever, it makes NO difference. They're awake the same time and just even shorter on sleep and therefore harder work because they're cranky.

Acceptance is the key. As someone upthread said, 6.30 is a perfectly normal time, especially at the height of summer when a bedroom can get hot and warm, for children to wake up. I hasten to add that this is the 'D'H that needs to practice acceptance. The huffing and puffing is a manipulative passive aggressive ploy to bully you into getting up, dealing with all the grunt work and absolving him of making the effort.

OP, I agree with previous posters, time to put your foot down. Stuff like couldn't go downstairs at his own in-laws, has he got the maturity of a 14 year old?

We take turns for lie ins. One of us is usually up 6 or thereabouts, gets both DCs up, dressed, breakfasted, pets fed, dishwasher unloaded, all cleaned up etc without waking the other person.

And Op, get some ear plugs and ignore the drama, I use them as I'm a light sleeper and don't want my lie in disturbed, you should do the same, then your DH can huff and you won't know!

CostanzaG · 01/06/2019 08:48

Anyone who blames a woman's mood on her period is a twat.

And he's double the twat for not getting up with his kids

Iggly · 01/06/2019 08:48

My dh can be like this. He used to try and get thedcs back to sleep as toddlers 🤦🏻‍♀️ because he didn’t think it was time to get up etc.

We got to a point where my lie in would be anything but and he would make lame excuses “but the dcs want you”.

It caused a lot of resentment and I made passive aggressive comments (unhelpful), then I told him that I felt he was lazy and I felt unappreciated because he didn’t make the effort.

It got better and he now gets up without so much fuss.

pictish · 01/06/2019 08:48

*his turn, sorry

TheInvestigator · 01/06/2019 08:49

He doesn't want to change so he isn't going too. You've told him what's wrong. Any sane, loving person would be able to realise that the kid is 50% his so 50% his responsibility and would just get on with it. But his response is to blame you. He doesn't see parenting as his job; he sees it as yours. When he's expected to do it, he gets angry and takes that out on your son. He knows he's doing it. He's happy with the status quo and he doesn't want to change. You will have a lifetime if battling to make him pull his weight. But he will never do it because he wants to help or wants you to have a rest.

Maybe you should both get up. When your son wakes, you need to wake your husband and tell him that you're both getting up and just say that if you can't have a lie in then neither can he. One of you gets your son cleaned and dressed whilst the other sorts breakfasts etc. Make the mornings a family activity. If he refuses to get up, then bring your son into bed with both of you and let him jump on his dad. If your husband moves to the spare room, but your son in the room and say "look after him while I have a shower". If he shouts at you or complains just keep repeating "If I can't have a lie in the neither can you. I'm happy to go back to one weekend morning each but you refuse to do that so neither of us sleep in".

That, or leave him. See if his family is more important than a lie in.

Readytogogogo · 01/06/2019 08:49

Sorry, he sounds very unreasonable.

Lol at the pp who thinks that two year olds shouldn't be waking at 6.30.

Arabuella · 01/06/2019 08:50

He’s been complaining how I never cuddle him or are loving towards him and he wonders why and says he sees me be loving to DS when he is upset and why can’t I be the same to him.

Wow 😳. You have a man child. I honestly couldn’t live with a twat who thinks he should be treated like a child.

sweetkitty · 01/06/2019 08:55

My lot never got up before 7am even at 2 years old, as they got older they could recognise 7:00 on the clock.
I have a weird DH who hates sleeping thinks it’s a waste of time so he’s up at 7am every morning so I’ve akways been able to get a lie in. Although some Sundays he’ll get up and go for a run which means I get up with the DCs which I don’t mind. They are at a age where they get up themselves and can get breakfast/TV now anyway.

pictish · 01/06/2019 08:55

I seem to remember dh trying to make ds1 go back to sleep as a tot too, it never worked and yes, ensured that I was wide awake too. It was a futile and selfish endeavour and he would be angry that it didn’t go his way and he could go back to bed. I’m sure we argued about this.