Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

PILs make DD beg

163 replies

Nononotacceptable · 01/06/2019 05:36

My PILs are not nice people and they are upsetting my daughter (5). There are two main things.

One is that we have a “family vote” on things to do, which film to watch, where to go on a Sunday afternoon etc. It works well. The PILs have started mimicking this (sarcastically) and FIL in particular will not put his hand up to vote for something DD wants to do on purpose... unless she begs. This is not supposed to be a begging thing, this is a simple vote that we always did in my family that works well to find out who wants what. Sometimes FIL puts his hand half up and then down again as if he’s changed his mind. DD is crying by this time. She never cries if she is outvoted by her brothers at home (from my first marriage, they do not see the PILs as they do not like them).

Angry

MIL makes her beg in the supermarket. She says she can have something if she goes with her and when they get there DD chooses a treat (usually a comic) and MIL says she can’t have it and must have something else. Apparently this is a “joke” and DD has to say “please please please” and beg before MIL gives in.

Angry

I am no longer taking DD to see the PILs. I don’t like them, they are cruel. I actually don’t care if I am BU, I am angry.

OP posts:
KneelJustKneel · 01/06/2019 13:27

Oh gosh my dad did the whole "well i was going to do x"

And everything was conditional. Ill only do x for you if you do y.

birdonawire1 · 01/06/2019 15:54

That's awful and cruel. My child would never be allowed to see someone like that.

TheInebriati · 01/06/2019 16:06

This puts me in mind of adults who tickle children long past the point where it stops being funny.

CSIblonde · 01/06/2019 16:50

Sounds like they got outvoted for an activity they wanted and are taking it out on your child. It's a power thing. And it's warped to make your child beg for things & enjoy seeing her upset. I'd say it straight that they upset her & ask why they do it, if they query you lessening contact.

TinklyLittleLaugh · 01/06/2019 17:16

My Dad used to tease my kids and then laugh at them and call them soft when they got upset. From stories he told me about his childhood there was definitely a culture of bullying between him and his older brothers growing up: very dog eat dog.

Of course I called him out on it every time, as did my mum and he never did it when my DH was there. I imagine he did it much more to my sister’s kids who he saw more regularly and unsupervised.

I do genuinely think he didn’t know how to behave with children: he had very little interaction with us growing up and even that wasn’t very positive. Saying that, I think he loved us and would have jumped in front of a bus to save us or something. He was just a bit of a twat really.

bananasandwicheseveryday · 01/06/2019 19:30

I'd also like to reiterate what a pp said about it NOT being generational. Dh and I are grandparents. We would never dream of acting line this. My dad and step-dad never treated any of their GCs like this and, had he loved to see his GCs, FIL would never have done this. My own grandparents, all born around the end of the 1800's / beginning of the 1900's never treated us like it. If anything, they spoiled us rotten. My paternal granddad especially would have given me the moon on a stick if I'd asked!

It's NOT a generational thing. It IS a nasty, spiteful bully thing.

KneelJustKneel · 02/06/2019 03:31

Because you didnt do it doesnt mean it wasnt "of its generation." I think that lots of us have dads who did it and wouldnt have understood how nasty it was shows it's an attitude that was prevalent amongst a subset of that generation. My dad was ex boarding school/slight posh victorian approach to children. The women did it really...

Of course it doesnt make it right, and the effects on the child - again as most of us have said - is horrible.

Original poster
Nononotacceptable · 02/06/2019 07:20

Could it be a region thing? Hear me out...

DH said last night that everyone acted like that where he lived (and where his parents still live) when he was a child. Basically it’s school of hard knocks. He says his parents have spent too long there, they know no better, and you become what your environment is like.

OP posts:
Pearlfish · 02/06/2019 07:29

Not sure whether it's a region thing as such, but it certainly could be true that this is the kind of behaviour your PILs have experienced themselves, from their own families, and therefore they don't see it as wrong. That certainly could be true.

However, your duty is to protect your child from bullying behaviour. So it's their choice really. Either they stop doing this (even if they don't really agree it's wrong and find it really difficult to stop) or they rarely see their grandchild. It's as simple as that.

If he likes, your DH could even explain it to them as "I know Nononot acceptable is a bit sensitive about this, but it's really important to her and I support her in that" rather than outright telling them they are wrong.

Original poster
Nononotacceptable · 02/06/2019 07:35

We live in the same city but the other side of town, the supposed “smart” side where many people have moved in not from the area. It is like night and day regarding the housing, facilities and even the accents. I have never seen behaviour like that from anyone else.

OP posts:
Sarahandco · 02/06/2019 07:55

Don't include them in the vote or the Sunday activity - I wouldn't expose your daughter to them if that is how they behave. You don't need to say anything to them just don't take your daughter there anymore.

SingingLily · 02/06/2019 08:47

Could it be a region thing? Hear me out...

I lived or worked in virtually every region of the UK and this type of behaviour towards children would be regarded with bemusement (at best) and (more likely) outright horror everywhere. I'm afraid your DH is making excuses for his parents but if that is how they treated him during his childhood, it is because he has been well and truly conditioned by them.

It's emotional abuse, OP. Sorry to be so blunt, but that is what it is. Emotional abuse leaves no visible scars but the damage is there nonetheless. I know. My parents are like this.

Your children are defenceless innocents in these situations. Their GPs are exercising power and control, to the point of reducing them to tears. This is indefensible.

Please put a stop to it.

Original poster
Nononotacceptable · 02/06/2019 08:51

We rarely see them at weekends because that’s when DH isn’t working and is home when the children are awake! It’s after school in the week that I go on a day when the boys, who finish later anyway, have after school clubs. I’m not doing it now though. It’ll be great not doing the drive actually!

OP posts:
BoomBoomsCousin · 02/06/2019 09:06

I grew up in the midlands and that is very much the treatment we had growing up from my mum’s parents. I don’t know that it was regional, I think it was more just the way some families were/are. Some of my friends definitely didn’t get that from family and others did. My parents split up when I was young and my mum was much softer in her teasing, it never lasted long and it was obvious she was going to give in from the start. She never teased us and then held out at the end. It was fun and affectionate and I liked it. I do it a little like that to my kids and they seem to like it too. My dad was more like my mum’s parents where sometimes it was all in fun and sometimes it just seemed nasty, but we didn’t see him much.

My brother does it in the nasty way to his kids (and a bit to mine when he visits) sometimes. I tell him to stop when we’re with him, he does just so I don’t go on at him but he honestly doesn’t believe it really upsets them and thinks they’ll just toughen up. My kids are younger and still adore him despite it (but he doesn’t get the opportunity to do it to them often) but I see the way his daughter looks at him afterwards when he’s turned his back and it seems like he’s really alienating her with it. He doesn’t see it though.

MyOtherProfile · 02/06/2019 09:38

Are you going to tell PILs you're not going or just change routine? If they ask will you tell them why?

Al the best to you.

Original poster
Nononotacceptable · 02/06/2019 10:46

I won’t tell them until they ask. No point in starting a fight. I usually just text the day before and ask if they want to see us, it’s a very loose arrangement because you know how school is, always changing arrangements. So just won’t text, won’t go.

The summer is very ad hoc because we go away and have days out. In September the after school clubs start for DD so I have plenty of “excuses”. But I may well just tell him the real reason because it’s not right.

OP posts:
thesnapandfartisinfallible · 02/06/2019 10:54

I dumped someone once for tormenting my dogs like that, I'd go fucking nuclear if it was my kids. It's cruel and teaches them harmful messages.

TheInebriati · 02/06/2019 11:07

Are you going to say anything to your DD? She needs to see you as her protector, and know that if anything changes it isnt her fault.

Original poster
Nononotacceptable · 02/06/2019 11:17

TheInebriati I’ll tell her we’re taking a break because they upset her, make bad choices. DH will have to be there for that conversation because she will mention it, but now he’s admitted the behaviour isn’t good, even if he did try to pass the blame to the wider community 🙄, he will agree with my wording.

I wonder if they’ll nag him to take her...

OP posts:
Trippedupagain · 02/06/2019 11:23

Nasty bunch and very old fashioned and thick I'd say. I grew up with a milder form of this 'teasing' along with tickling small children until they were helpless, hanging them upside down by their legs until they begged for mercy and ridiculous stuff like that which was quite normal years ago as 'playing' from people who didnt know how to play.

TheInebriati · 02/06/2019 11:24

Has anyone given you a link to FOG - fear, obligation, guilt? Try to get your DH to read it as well. Once you start to set boundaries, they usually make a push to cross them.

outofthefog.website/toolbox-1/2015/11/17/fog-fear-obligation-guilt

SingingLily · 02/06/2019 11:37

I wonder if they’ll nag him to take her...

Almost certainly. And it will be him they nag, not you, because they've conditioned him over the years but they don't have that residual influence over you. Good advice and link, then, from TheInebriati, and when they do start emotionally blackmailing him, you need to be prepared to support him by making sure the two of you have an agreed position and that you present a solid and united front. It's the only way.

You are doing the right thing and protecting your little girl.

Xmas2020 · 02/06/2019 11:41

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Tinkerbell89 · 02/06/2019 11:49

They sound nasty you're right to keep them away & I wouldn't allow them to have the kids on their own. This is teaching the kids that adults are mean and not to be trusted . This could cause on going emotional damage and trust issues. I found be telling them that it's mistreatment and they need to stop it or not see the kids plus they will no longer have access to them on their own due to the upset they are causing. Protect your babies that's what you're there for

Socksontheradiator · 02/06/2019 11:53

They sound horrible!