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Original poster

PILs make DD beg

163 replies

Nononotacceptable · 01/06/2019 05:36

My PILs are not nice people and they are upsetting my daughter (5). There are two main things.

One is that we have a “family vote” on things to do, which film to watch, where to go on a Sunday afternoon etc. It works well. The PILs have started mimicking this (sarcastically) and FIL in particular will not put his hand up to vote for something DD wants to do on purpose... unless she begs. This is not supposed to be a begging thing, this is a simple vote that we always did in my family that works well to find out who wants what. Sometimes FIL puts his hand half up and then down again as if he’s changed his mind. DD is crying by this time. She never cries if she is outvoted by her brothers at home (from my first marriage, they do not see the PILs as they do not like them).

Angry

MIL makes her beg in the supermarket. She says she can have something if she goes with her and when they get there DD chooses a treat (usually a comic) and MIL says she can’t have it and must have something else. Apparently this is a “joke” and DD has to say “please please please” and beg before MIL gives in.

Angry

I am no longer taking DD to see the PILs. I don’t like them, they are cruel. I actually don’t care if I am BU, I am angry.

OP posts:
TheInebriati · 01/06/2019 10:04

Anyone else find it creepy to make a child beg?

BambooB · 01/06/2019 10:07

You look after your kid, they are pricks. Good on you for putting your foot down.

KneelJustKneel · 01/06/2019 10:14

My dad was like this. It was horrid. Like some previous posters I think underneath it all he has no idea how to relate to children and for him it was funny, without the self awareness to see how tricky it was for the child. I still have issues....

Hes tried getting mine to "beg" like puppies for treats when they were small.

Now they're older im far better at being assertive.

pointythings · 01/06/2019 10:15

I don't see this as a generational thing. My GP on both sides of the family never did anything like this to my Dsis and me, and my parents wouldn't have dreamt of doing it to my DDs. It's obnoxious behaviour and should not be excused.

Original poster
Nononotacceptable · 01/06/2019 10:27

Qweenbee I don’t implement it, FIL copies it to ridicule it over things like shall we have a biscuit, shall we put the tv on, anything he can think of to cause upset. It’s usually just him and DD and I have to step in when I hear him.

OP posts:
WeeDangerousSpike · 01/06/2019 10:36

Sadistic, cruel wankers.

When they inevitably demand you visitask why they haven't seen you, I'd want to make them beg.

Then still not go.

Twats.

WellThisIsShit · 01/06/2019 10:43

“They sound awful but why are you implementing the voting system when it's obvious they don't like it.”

Why would you think this? Except to try and muddy the waters and blame the OP!

Clearly she isn’t doing that, why on earth would she?

The grand parents have taken exception to this particular technique being used by the OP in her own family home with her own family, so they’ve decided to mock it by pretending to do it themselves but twisting it and making it cruel. Taking the mickey out of it and also teasing the child at the same time, two in one for these unpleasant people, yay for them!

OP I think you’re right to stop it. I wouldn’t bother making a big fuss about why as this type of person would delight in the chance to turn their nastiness on your whole family, and they won’t ever learn from it.

Antonin · 01/06/2019 10:47

OP your post brought back some very unhappy feelings from my childhood. This behaviour by so called adults is so harmful, as you are aware. Your DD will be forever grateful you’ve put a stop to this appalling abuse. No wonder some children become bullies if they observe such behaviour by people who should know better.
Avoid any future contact with DD.

Serin · 01/06/2019 10:55

I know this type of behaviour, my GM used to ask what we would like for Christmas and birthdays then just buy something completely different.
I think it's a power thing.
I agree with the PP who stated that she would not treat a dog in this. There is a very fine line between bullying and "teasing".

onalongsabbatical · 01/06/2019 10:57

They may not understand how cruel it is, they may have been treated in a similar way themselves. But you totally understand the affect it's having on your DD and you are absolutely right to stick up for her and stop it. They might learn something, in which case you can review contact, or they might not be capable of change, which is not your problem. Be strong - your instincts are absolutely spot on OP.

Fatted · 01/06/2019 11:02

I think it speaks volumes that DH, their own child, doesn't really bother with seeing them that much. They've obviously done the same to him as a child. Cruel gits.

MissKittyBeaudelais · 01/06/2019 11:09

You need to stop this abusive shit. Seriously, your 5 yr old must be so confused and distressed. I’d go non contact, immediately. It’s the very worst kind of control. They ought to be ashamed of themselves.

viques · 01/06/2019 11:14

This is not gentle affectionate teasing between a grandchild and a grandparent where both parties are in on the joke and there is a level of trust and affection that underpins the joshing.

This is deliberate bullying to upset a child, and I can't imagine the mindset of anyone who would behave like this to a small child .

AlunWynsKnee · 01/06/2019 11:23

This sort of thing was why we stopped seeing a family member. I can't understand the mindset of people who think it's fine to make their supposedly nearest and dearest cry for fun.

Happynow001 · 01/06/2019 11:24

What sort of adults do this to someone they supposedly love? Especially a little grandchild? I just don't understand the reason why they'd go out of their way to be so intentionally nasty.

I'm guessing your other children are old enough to recognise this as bullying and have made their own judgment call. Your PILs are doing down the road of alienating their grandchildren and should not be surprised if their DGC avoid them as they get older. - as their own son does.
"He doesn’t see his parents much at all."
...
Singlenotsingle
I bet they did also but DH isn’t saying. I think he’s scared of his father.
A pity he's not defending his little daughter - but at least he's not stopping you from doing so. Thank goodness for you.

My father used to do this - it made me feel trapped and awful about myself. I don't miss him at all.

ProlificLurker · 01/06/2019 11:24

I had this from family members growing up. I was a shy, sensitive introverted child and looking back it seems that they were trying to forcibly change my personality to be more like my louder siblings and cousin. Presumably because that’s the only type of child they could relate to.

ProlificLurker · 01/06/2019 11:25

You are right to protect your children

DishingOutDone · 01/06/2019 11:31

OP I went NC with my H's family 18 years ago and I have to say its worked out very well for me and my kids. Give it a go.

timeisnotaline · 01/06/2019 11:38

I was going to say as a starter exclude them form votes, but I see they are starting it. With all the other stuff as well I totally agree to just not taking them.

Boysey45 · 01/06/2019 11:45

That voting thing sounds way off as well, its just stupid.
I wouldn't be taking her either, its obviously not right to wind a 5 year old up.

Dana28 · 01/06/2019 11:53

My dad used to do this to us when we were little, but we always understood it was a joke.
He used to do the same thing to Ds2 when he picked him up from playgroup and take things too far like pretending he hadn't brought the car and they were going to have to walk the 6 miles home. Ds didn't really understand and started copying the behaviour on his younger siblings which came across as bullying. My dad adores children and would never ever knowingly do anything to hurt them. This 'kidding' was normal when he grew up so I think to some extent it is a generational thing. But my dad stopped as soon as I told him

1forAll74 · 01/06/2019 11:55

I would not like people like this in my life, such a bad influence on your daughter. I wonder what makes them act like this, ?

Beelzebop · 01/06/2019 12:03

How horrible! You don't have to do a big song and dance about going low or no contact just step back. I had this, it really hurt me. Well done for standing up to bullies, it's not easy.

Piffle11 · 01/06/2019 12:22

How horrible. I certainly wouldn't be letting them anywhere near my DD. This 'it's only a joke/I'm just teasing etc isn't sweet or fun - it's bullying and controlling. Please stick up for your DD. I fell out with ILs because I stuck up for my DS: he was so overjoyed that I backed him up, and now that the ILs barely talk to me, it's bliss. At 5 DC don't often get the 'joke', so it's even more mean spirited. My DC took everything to heart at that age. I really don't get these arsehole people who seem to think it's funny/ok/clever to wind up a young child to the point of upsetting them. Your ILs are utter dickheads, controlling, mean dickheads. And YANBU by the way.

FuriousVexation · 01/06/2019 12:29

Well done OP for standing up for your DD. What horrible bastards your PIL are. No wonder your DH doesn't choose to see them! Pity he didn't tell you what twats they were though.

I'm ashamed to say I witnessed my XH behave like this with DSD and his nephews and nieces. Also as per a PP, pulling a fiver out and telling the kids they could have it if they caught it when he threw/dropped it - then if they by chance did catch it, he'd put it away and say he was just joking. Another trick of his was "Well I WAS going to take you to the [seaside/funfair/market/park] today but you've ruined it now by being naughty so we're not going" when he had had no intention of doing any such thing.

I can't believe it took me 4 years to actually realise what a cock he was and leave...