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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

PILs make DD beg

163 replies

Nononotacceptable · 01/06/2019 05:36

My PILs are not nice people and they are upsetting my daughter (5). There are two main things.

One is that we have a “family vote” on things to do, which film to watch, where to go on a Sunday afternoon etc. It works well. The PILs have started mimicking this (sarcastically) and FIL in particular will not put his hand up to vote for something DD wants to do on purpose... unless she begs. This is not supposed to be a begging thing, this is a simple vote that we always did in my family that works well to find out who wants what. Sometimes FIL puts his hand half up and then down again as if he’s changed his mind. DD is crying by this time. She never cries if she is outvoted by her brothers at home (from my first marriage, they do not see the PILs as they do not like them).

Angry

MIL makes her beg in the supermarket. She says she can have something if she goes with her and when they get there DD chooses a treat (usually a comic) and MIL says she can’t have it and must have something else. Apparently this is a “joke” and DD has to say “please please please” and beg before MIL gives in.

Angry

I am no longer taking DD to see the PILs. I don’t like them, they are cruel. I actually don’t care if I am BU, I am angry.

OP posts:
BeanBag7 · 01/06/2019 06:42

If they want to see your daughter, make them beg and then say no. It doesn't sound like you gain anything from seeing them so it should be easy to go NC. Good luck x

DaisiesAreOurSilver · 01/06/2019 06:48

knobs

echt · 01/06/2019 06:52

I wouldn't treat my dog like this.

Wankers.

AlwaysCheddar · 01/06/2019 06:53

Got to say, there are some strange behaviours by “loving” grandparents. You have done the right thing.

user1497997754 · 01/06/2019 07:00

Just go no contact with them they are cruel and no wonder your DH doesn't visit.....as you say it's a power thing my mum used to do this kind of thing and I don't see her anymore and it's bliss

Original poster
Nononotacceptable · 01/06/2019 07:01

Peralta They just ignore them. Not their family and all that.

OP posts:
Singlenotsingle · 01/06/2019 07:02

I'd have nothing to do with people who get their kicks from upsetting a child. Maybe they used to do it to DH when he was little.

hazell42 · 01/06/2019 07:03

I dont think I that they are seeing things from your pov.
Not saying you're wrong, but I suspect that they think that they are being playful. The things you describe sound exactly like the things that my dad did both to me and my siblings and to his grandchildren.
He loves kids, genuinely, they light up his life, but he doesn't really know how to interact with them, and so teasing them becomes how he plays with them.
You were clearly raised very differently. I genuinely think that it is not meanness on their behalf but a misguided attempt at being playful. As such, I am sure you can manage this without cutting contact or banning activities, which sounds a bit ott.
You just need to let them know how to interact with them. Get your dh to help out here

Original poster
Nononotacceptable · 01/06/2019 07:06

Gosh shocked at all the people who have/had grandparent and parents like this.

OP posts:
icelollycraving · 01/06/2019 07:08

What utter fuckers. No, I would not be subjecting my children to that. No upset, no begging, no visits. They can fuck right off.

Oliversmumsarmy · 01/06/2019 07:10

My mother used to do this. In the end I called her bluff and refused anything on offer. I would not beg for anyone.

Birthdays and Christmas were the biggest wind up as I would refuse to say what I wanted as I knew if I did say then I knew it was not going to be there for I would get a cheap version of something.

Why are your Pil getting a vote in what you do?

BuffaloCauliflower · 01/06/2019 07:11

They sound awful and cruel and you’re definitely right to keep her away.
But giving them the benefit of the doubt for a moment - have you tried explaining why their actions aren’t ok to them? What do they say? They may genuinely not realise and think it is a funny game. Doesn’t make it better but might mean they can change?

Original poster
Nononotacceptable · 01/06/2019 07:12

Singlenotsingle I bet they did also but DH isn’t saying. I think he’s scared of his father.

OP posts:
ricepuddingme · 01/06/2019 07:13

My mum was like this with me, and she's attempted to be like it with my DD.

Not happening.

She doesn't understand why we have limited contact but I can't have her poisoning my daughter like she did with me.

Her behaviour made me a horrible person growing up. It was only when I had my own children I realised and made positive changes in my life.

Good for you for taking action!

ImaginaryCat · 01/06/2019 07:13

If they're doing it to the other GCs can you let their parents know (probably the in-laws who married into the family, not their DCs who, like your husband, already know what dicks they are)?
I'd be upset if I was unaware my child was being subjected to that while left in the care of grandparents.

Chottie · 01/06/2019 07:19

This is disgusting, cruel behaviour by your PiLs to your DCs. Well done on taking a firm stand and do not visit them.

sprite25 · 01/06/2019 07:30

I'm surprised they have anything to do with any of their grandchildren, if it were my child they had done that to I'd tell them that they wouldn't be seeing my child again and I'd tell them exactly why. Maybe they've been such power tripping a**eholes to children for so long cos no ones had the balls or sense to stand up to them.

Original poster
Nononotacceptable · 01/06/2019 07:30

ImaginaryCat It’s SIL’s children and she is divorced. She doesn’t seem to care unfortunately. She probably thinks it’s normal.

OP posts:
AlwaysHopeful · 01/06/2019 07:36

My own dad would still be like this if I hadn't challenged it when DS was about 5 and was clear that seeing grandad upset him. Told my dad as gently but clearly as I could that if he continued to be mean he wouldn't see my children.

He is still a knob (I'm sorry to say) in many ways but not deliberately so to my children.

Contraceptionismyfriend · 01/06/2019 07:38

I'd text them and say that due to their inability not to get a disgusting thrill out not making a small child cry they won't be allowed in your home or near you or your children again. What utter dick heads.

And I'm laughing at the PP who tried to justify it by saying they just don't know how to interact with children.

Only a complete moron would think it's OK to make a child cry again and again and again.

cantfindname · 01/06/2019 07:40

My Grandson will occasionally beg, but it is very different, he knows I am teasing him and is cracking up laughing as he does the please please please routine. He is also 5 and I couldn't imagine reducing him to tears in such a petty and cruel way.

They have a major character flaw to treat a small child like this, very limited contact from now on!

SunshineCake · 01/06/2019 07:43

Dont be ridiculous hazell42. If it was a cackhanded attempt at making the child laugh surely they'd stop once they realised she was upset, not do it another time and again and again Hmm.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 01/06/2019 07:45

I think I’d give them a clear and explicit warning before going no contact.

pineapplebryanbrown · 01/06/2019 07:47

It is horrible and I'm not excusing it at all but I think there was a lot of that kind of "teasing" 40-50 years ago. Just coldly say "that's cruel and not funny, don't do it". If you want to rescue anything.

Notabedofroses · 01/06/2019 07:48

Actually they are shredding your child's dignity and self respect.
I would stop the visits, and only see them fleetingly when you are around to ensure this doesn't happen anymore.