PILs make DD beg

[Nononotacceptable]

My PILs are not nice people and they are upsetting my daughter (5). There are two main things.

One is that we have a “family vote” on things to do, which film to watch, where to go on a Sunday afternoon etc. It works well. The PILs have started mimicking this (sarcastically) and FIL in particular will not put his hand up to vote for something DD wants to do on purpose... unless she begs. This is not supposed to be a begging thing, this is a simple vote that we always did in my family that works well to find out who wants what. Sometimes FIL puts his hand half up and then down again as if he’s changed his mind. DD is crying by this time. She never cries if she is outvoted by her brothers at home (from my first marriage, they do not see the PILs as they do not like them).

MIL makes her beg in the supermarket. She says she can have something if she goes with her and when they get there DD chooses a treat (usually a comic) and MIL says she can’t have it and must have something else. Apparently this is a “joke” and DD has to say “please please please” and beg before MIL gives in.

I am no longer taking DD to see the PILs. I don’t like them, they are cruel. I actually don’t care if I am BU, I am angry.

I had an uncle like this. It is horrible behaviour. They're getting off on humiliating a child. My uncle also used to say things like "do xyz and I will give you a fiver", then we'd do it, he'd wave the fiver at us and put it back in his pocket. It was usually prank type stuff he'd get us to do, but what a recipe for disaster if a child was being groomed

They are seriously warped if they think this is funny. I can understand why you wouldn’t want contact for your DD.

They sound really unkind, you're doing the right thing op

I also think it's interesting that you get landed with spending time with them and not your DH.

I pointed out to my DH early on that when we saw his parents, it was for his benefit not mine - he had mysteriously developed a tendency to vanish and leave me entertaining them. As soon as he had to actually be present, we saw a lot less of them.

The face that they ignore your other children would be enough for me.

Are your parents around?

'Joking' is all too often a euphemism for bullying. What you are describing is abuse, you need to protect your child. DH burdens you with contacting his parents for a reason.

I think he’s scared of his father.

And that tells you all you need to know, OP. That's why your DH hardly ever sees his own parents (and probably wouldn't see them at all if he didn't feel obliged to let them have some sort of role as grandparents). He should be the one to stand up to them but I'm guessing that after a lifetime of their "pranks", he simply doesn't know how to.

If your DH is scared of them, your children will be too. They're being taught to walk on eggshells around some particularly twisted people. I can tell from your posts that you absolutely do not want your children to see or experience this and that you are incredibly uneasy with the dynamics and the effect on your children but you can't quite put your finger on why. It's because you had a normal loving family and so this kind of casual cruelty towards children is alien to you. It is emotional abuse. I know. My parents are like that. They were not good parents and they are not good grandparents. My DSis keeps her little ones well away from them, thank goodness, because it is the only sensible thing to do.

You are right OP.
My dgs is still very young so only tends to cry when he hurts himself (trying to walk etc) And all I can say is that on the new occasions he does cry, I just want to take his pain/upset away from him with every fibre of my being. I truly cannot imagine actively wanting to make him so upset that he'd cry. It's cruel and if I ever did anything like that, my dil would, rightly, stop me seeing him.
Gc are a blessing and bring so much joy. Anyone who wants to spoil that relationship doesn't deserve to have them.

The PILs sound appalling absolutely appalling!

As an aside - how do you make sure that everyone gets a turn at deciding what happens on a Sunday - what happens if no one votes for your activity week after week?

The phrase ”...does the please please please routine” makes me feel ill. That’s just what it’s like, how some people treat a dog training it to beg for treats.

My parents live a couple of hours away, we see them every month or so.

iggly DH and I can swing the vote with three children if needs be lol! The boys are pretty good at letting DD have a turn at choosing, like which film to watch. I suspect they actually like watching Disney!

I'd ban them from having her alone, if they are so cruel Infront of you it makes me worry what they do or say when you are not around.

They sound horrific and positively sociopathic.

I'd stop visiting their home, and if you do the voting thing when they're at yours, explain to your DCs that the PILS don't get a vote as they don't use it sensibly but as a way of upsetting their DGC.

Really bad dynamics here. I can fully relate to how you feel.
My FIL used to hold down and tickle the children to tears, and they had to beg them to stop, and necessarily in complete sentences, otherwise it doesn't count. Everyone saw it as awww so cute, but I was furious.

Yeah, fuck that.

Nasty people.

It’s not going no contact if you stop taking her after school.

If dh wants to take her to visit, he can. If he can’t or won’t find the time that’s not your problem.

Horrible way to treat a child.

Cannot get my head around these families who see each other multiple times per week and are so involved in the day to day operation of their lives.

Just distance yourself.

They sound horrible OP. You do the right thing to stop taking her over. The fact that your DH hardly sees them is testament to what kind of people they are. I don’t have kids but I have nephews and the idea of playing with their emotions like that makes me sick. Kids are sensitive and take everything to heart, they are building the foundations of trust and relationships that will serve them their whole lives. They deserve to be treated with respect for their emotions just like adults should be. Just because they are young and small doesn’t make them any less deserving.

They say they’re joking, are they fuck, it’s the most horrible kind of bullying. Tossers

I agree with you, OP, and wouldn't be taking them round anymore either. Cruel and nasty treatment of children. Imagine making small children cry for kicks!

I hope your DH is strong enough to back you. If he's afraid of his father, as you think, this could get ugly. Stand strong.

Bastards. Go NC.

They are harming her self esteem and confidence, please cut contact for her own sake or in the very least have strong words with them. It isn’t fair, it’s abuse.

It's emotional abuse. You're absolutely reasonable to ban them from seeing your DC.

“PIL, it’s only a joke and funny if you and DD laugh. I’m not going to let you make my five year old beg and cry. Doesn’t it upset you? Do you want to see her smile and laugh? Why do you want to make you GD cry?”

He’s never taken her now I think of it! Never on his own. He doesn’t see his parents much at all.

I'm not surprised.

They sound awful but why are you implementing the voting system when it's obvious they don't like it.

Tbh I wouldn't adhere to that either. Sometimes a child has to do what the adults want. There is a time and place for your system. I wouldn't want it imposed on me and told that I must do what the result is. Presumably you often vote siding with your dd.
Having said that they do sound horrible and I don't blame you for stopping the visits. Dh can do it if he's feels the need.

Not surprised your H avoids them. They are bullies, and will have been bullies all their lives.