To not want I sit for 30 mins in silence whilst DD reads

[daffydowndilys]

OK, so bed time seems to take almost 1.5 hours and it's starting to get my goat.

DD (8) messes around getting into her PJ's and brushing her teeth. Unless I stand over her and brush her teeth for her this can take almost 30 mins.

Then, she demands that I sit with her whilst she reads to herself in silence!!!! Then she wants cuddles before bed.

Now I know she is only 8 and I will miss these times when they are gone. I really do know that.

But I work full time, I get home, cook dinner, then at least 1 hour for bedtime. Then I have to work at home all evening until my bedtime.

DH thinks I'm mean not to sit with her for 30mins in silence whilst she reads to herself.

Is that really awful? I feel really bad.

I agree with setting a timer.
Can you do something upstairs for a bit so she knows you are around. otherwise be strong op
you have years before she leaves

She's really playing you both! That's one heck of a long bedtime routine. Our DD9 goes up to bed around 7.45, brushes teeth, then gets into bed and reads for 45 mins on her own. After 8.30 me or DH go up and read a quick chapter of another book, kiss goodnight, lights out, job done.

I'm not really a reader Great opportunity then for you to start and set a good example to your daughter too.

So do you read to her, OP? I still read to my 9yo every night and we both love it. Try not to lose that part of the routine. But I wouldn’t sit beside him in silence while he reads.

The whole bedtime takes too long, no question. But the fact that it's the reading that seems to be the greater problem is profoundly depressing. Pyjamas and teeth should take ten minutes, max. Then what's wrong with having half an hour's dedicated time with her? No screens, no distractions, just reading to her or reading silently together. It's a great example to set.

Then, she demands

She's not in a position to demand. She is a child. Who is the parent here?

Sorry @daffydowndilys ,for the late response re audiobook. My DD also likes Roald Dahl as recommended above, and Princess Mirrorbelle.

When it's late and she really should fall asleep we switch her over to The Rabbit Who Wants To Fall Asleep...

I know you said she’s not an anxious child op but wanting someone with you like that is a sign of insecurity so don’t necessarily dismiss this as her ‘playing you’. Have a look at the different attachment styles (formed at birth) and if you feel she has made secure attachments with you / DH then maybe think about what else could be troubling her. Does she find reading difficult for example.

With my two I try to listen to them read to me for 10 mins and then I read to them for about the same or whatever a chapter is. Then I cuddle / tuck in and them I’m off 😂. If my husband is in we do one each. My two are 10 (next week) and 12. I don’t listen to my eldest reading as much to me these days but I do still read to him. Sometimes after that I’ll play them a kids meditation on YouTube which is basically just a story in a relaxing voice haha but they’re asleep before the end a lot of the time.

The Harry Potter audio books and Roald Dahl ones are good.

Ps my son used to want me to sit with him throughout doing his homework when he was younger. It was soul destroying just sitting there, I spoke to the teachers and they said it’s because he has no confidence so he needed my reassurance even though I wasn’t actually doing anything. Your daughter reminded me of that.

Wow you resent giving your child one on one time for half an hour.

Why do you have to work all evening until your bedtime? I hope you are being paid for all the extra time.

From your schedule, it seems she doesn't get much time with you at all until the weekends.

She clearly wants more time with you and reading how annoyed you are by it, just breaks my heart.

Speed up the pjs and teeth stuff. 15 minutes tops.
Then spend the 30 minutes with your DD. Have her read to you part of the time and then you read the other part.

I still can picture my DD in her little mermaid pjs, enthusiastically reading the cat in the hat to me, missing her two top teeth.
That was 30 years ago. Both my DC are avid readers and have carried that on to their DC.

This is ridiculous. I'm sure everyone's children would love nothing more than to have the control over us that makes us sit in silence at their side. I'm certain if my daughter could get away with it she'd absolutely have me doing the same. Except my answer would be a clear NO. Not a chance. I work full time, have more than one child and have things I could be doing that don't involve being told what I'm doing while my child reads. There's other ways to make her feel loved and secure than bowing down to her bedtime whims.

I don't agree that she is playing you she just wants you which is perfectly reasonable for an 8 year old. You said yourself you work all day then come home and do dinner and then it is bedtime. There is no space in that day for time with her and she craves that and needs that and is obviously faffing about at bedtime to get more time with you. Could you start bedtime later and play a game with her instead for 30 min so she is getting that one on one time. Shorten the bedtime routine at 8 years it shouldn't take more then 30min brush teeth story and bed but you will have spent the time already playing with her so she probably won't need you to stay up with her any longer. I think it is sad that people call an 8 year old who so wanting one on time with their mum as "playing them".

Would you agree to her sitting (in pjs ready for bed) in whatever room you're in reading whilst you do whatever chores you need to do like prepping dinner?

Or tell her to read quietly in her room by herself for half an hour...then she can choose one page she likes the most to read out loud to you before lights out.

Oh and I feel your pain. My dd is pretty good and just goes to bed but my ds is a faffer and has some brilliant tactics for delaying bedtime, including deciding he really wants to tidy his bedroom...which he never seems to want to do during the day

It is something that has evolved from me reading to her and then with her over the years. We used to sit and cuddle and I read to her and then over time she read to me and then we would share reading.

She now wants to read to herself in her head rather than out loud so I think it has just moved on to me/us sitting with her.

But I agree the while rigmarole of bed times is too drawn out and needs to change.

I had a chat with her this morning generally about her behaviour as she can be quite controlling and stubborn. I also had a chat with DH about it.

To the PP who asked about me working in the evenings, I run my own business and often I have hours of work to do in the evening.

Please still read to/with her, OP. Eight is too young for that to stop (regardless of how well she can read.) Research shows it's really important for umpteen reasons.

Please try a new routine: you read to her five/ten mins, she reads to you five/ten mins, then you go away while she continues to read to herself before lights out.

I'd stop this.
Tell her the clock is counting down from 30....this is the amount of time for bedtime. ...if she spends 30 mins on teeth and undressing....no story....5 mins on teeth and bed...25 minutes of story.
Id get her to read to you too.

I don't necessarily brush her teeth but sometimes it's quicker and better than her messing around.

If you don't give her the opportunity to get into a habit of doing this efficiently then it always will be...

Stop pandering and letting a child rule your evening! Sounds like you don't want to be harsh, but giving her a routine and boundaries is the best thing you can do, or expect a spoilt teenager!

Good advice from IamtheDevilsAvocado

She is 8 she can certainly learn about time management and start to take some responsibility

Either she is being demanding or she wants/needs more of your time and attention. There's a massive difference between being physically at home whilst working from home and being physically,mentally and emotionally at home . It sounds as though you may be slipping into the former. If your life is that busy then maybe you need a quiet half hour each night.

RantyAnty I completely agree. It's a phase of childhood that's short lived, I regret being strict with DD1 so much. I really don't see why such a fuss is being made, pandering /manipulative etc etc, bloody hell its only half hr of reading

While it’s great that your DD is happy to read to herself, it’s important that she still does some reading out loud to you or your DH. Even with an advanced reader it really helps with checking they’re not skimming and missing meanings or mispronouncing words, and of course you can ask them questions to check their understanding. My DD is also 8 and is a keen reader and she’d prefer to read silently as it’s quicker, but we do insist on a few minutes of reading out loud. We also read to her which, as others have said, is also beneficial (and lovely for us all).

Our routine is to for her to have a bath if it’s a bath night, then do the reading on the sofa with one of us (alternating between her reading and us reading) for about 20 minutes, then at about 8pm she goes upstairs and brushes her teeth and gets into bed – sometimes she does this on her own and sometimes one of us is with her (which is her preference but we would accept no demands!). Either way, one of us then tucks her in, which takes about 2-3 minutes of ‘night night, sleep tight’, cuddles etc. She’s then allowed to read until 9pm if she wants, and she loves her reading time and knows that if she procrastinates she ends up with less reading time. Normally at 9pm we hear her go to the bathroom and we know she’s about to switch the light off.

We’ve always made it clear that once she’s in bed, it’s ‘adult time’ for us downstairs, and it’s also her own time to be by herself to relax in bed and read or mull over the day, and wind herself down to sleep. Of course, if she needs us she can talk to us, but she knows this is her peaceful wind-down time, and also our adult time.

I think you need to get DH on side and make this a positive message for your DD about how she is getting older and ought to be able to manage her own bedtime needs – and also that she needs to respect your (and DH’s) need to have a bit of the evening to yourselves. I’m sure you will make sure she has ‘quality time’ with you, and you can make it clear that sitting in silence for 30 minutes is not ‘quality time’!

my son is 8 and I would say no to those demands. I second the suggestions of audiobooks. He loves them: Roald Dahl, Matt Haig are his favourites. She's 8 it's not for her to decide what you can and cannot do!