To not want I sit for 30 mins in silence whilst DD reads

[daffydowndilys]

OK, so bed time seems to take almost 1.5 hours and it's starting to get my goat.

DD (8) messes around getting into her PJ's and brushing her teeth. Unless I stand over her and brush her teeth for her this can take almost 30 mins.

Then, she demands that I sit with her whilst she reads to herself in silence!!!! Then she wants cuddles before bed.

Now I know she is only 8 and I will miss these times when they are gone. I really do know that.

But I work full time, I get home, cook dinner, then at least 1 hour for bedtime. Then I have to work at home all evening until my bedtime.

DH thinks I'm mean not to sit with her for 30mins in silence whilst she reads to herself.

Is that really awful? I feel really bad.

Op has she always wanted you to do this or is it new

If it's new then she is probably either scared of bedtime/being alone/dark..

You need to talk with her and find out why she can't sit in her room and read

Could she have watch a scary movie at a friend's house or somebody at school told her a scary story and it's playing on her mind and she feels safer with you there

Talk to her and get to the bottom of.it, the sooner you do the better it will be for her and you

I'm sure this has been answered already (appologies I'm having issues loading the thread) but why can't you or DH read with her for that relatively short period of time? I'd make the most of it while she's not wanting a phone or Xbox before bed (or whatever the ' in ' thing is)

Mine grew up having bath time listening to audio books. I sourced most of ours from the ABC retail shops in Aussie. Perhaps the BBC has something similar? Doesn't Kate Winslet do audio book readings?

As she (Daughter, not KW) grew up it went from fairy tales to Greek mythology, so something for all age groups.

Your local library might also stock a few.

Stop pandering to her.

Kids will always take the piss at bedtime if their parents let them.

I hand my eight year old her pjs. She has to get into them by the time I have put a glass of fresh water by her bed and put the toothpaste on the brushes (or she loses storytime).

We brush teeth together using a Disney app on phone. It is timed for 2 minutes. My kid used to faff but getting an electric toothbrush combined with the app has worked wonders. Her dentist is happy too.

We go to her room. She can read or I will read to her - if the pjyamas and teeth were done quickly and efficiently. Often we read a harder book together, taking turns to read a paragraph. There is no time limit on this. If she's really into it and not overtired, it could go on for a while. I love it. It's fun sharing great books together and discussing what happens.

At lights out, if she is anxious I will stay with her (this happens about once a week). But she knows I am nearby and usually lets me go if all her toys are arranged just so and I reassure her.

Children should have toothbrushing supervised at 8. My DS is 7 and I still do his. They don’t have good enough manual dexterity until they can reliably tie shoelaces. They will be too quick unless it’s supervised. Agree Disney magic timer app is great.
DS has a routine of upstairs - bath if needed, teeth etc, I read to him. He plays in his room for 15 minutes or so then “first tuck” means into bed and read to himself. “Second tuck” is when I go in, lights out and I cuddle him and lie next to him for 10 minutes and we talk about his day. Then I leave him to go to sleep. Could you do something like this? Sounds like she just wants a bit of time with you but 30 minutes while she reads silently isn’t a good use of your time.

I think you are being a bit unreasonable - I'm a bit biased as my 9 year old likes me /DP to do this.
We've always read to him at night - now he sometimes wants us to read to him and sometimes wants to read himself but doesn't want to be by himself so I stay with him and read. I don't mind

1. He is suffering from anxiety at the moment due to some upheavals in his life
2. This is only taking the time I would have used to read to him anyway
3. I like reading and would probably be reading downstairs anyway

It is very companionable - he does tell me things he's reading about. I also think it reinforces in his mind that reading is not just a chore for him- I'd also feel mean that the fact he is reading to himself means he gets less time with me than he did when he was being read to.

I do still have to stay after he has finished reading which is a more of a pain as the lights are off/down so I can't read but that's generally short time and hopefully won't last long.

This is the antithesis of an earlier thread today do I wonder if journos are at work.

I wish my dcs had lights out at 7.30! Ds is 7 and isn’t asleep before 9.30pm every night, worse at weekends. DD is 10 and is never asleep before 10.30pm 😩
They are active.. swimming, basketball, dancing and playing outside with their friends. The bright nights are a nightmare

Set a timer for 20 minutes, tell her it's lights out regardless of where she is in her bedtime routine.

Wowsers. I do hope you will follow up on taking back control. You're the boss. Not your 8 year old child.

Yes, it's a foot rub, that apparently the OP enjoys too, and maybe the DH gives them both foot rubs.

I didn't say it was sexual. I said DH and DD could find something else to bond over. The assumption that dodgy means sexual is projection on the part of those taking me to task for my comment.

I said it sounded dodgy - for reasons to do with the blurring of lines, and I alluded to the blurring of lines in one of my posts.

I suspect the DD is an only child. It's important for her to have a child/parent relationship and not be treated as a little adult here - this is boundary setting. She has been given far too much of a say in how the parents spend their evenings and somehow the DH has got in the habit of foot rubs too. They are not a trio of equals here and it is important for the parents to reclaim their evenings and keep the foot rubbing for themselves too.

I agree there may be some anxiety behind the amount of palaver it takes to get her off to sleep. I would ask her teacher if any issues have been noted, and also ask DD casual questions about friends, the playground, lunchtime, any extra curricular classes she takes, etc.

You are absolutely right that reading is very important and you should be actively encouraging this. Compromise with your dd. You will sit and cuddle her for some of the time while she reads or read a book yourself. I could easily read cookbooks and plan out dinner plans.

Don’t brush her teeth. Have a set time for bed. If she takes too long to brush her teeth, have a clear consequence e.g. if it takes 15mins longer than necessary to brush teeth, then she loses that time from her screen time the following day

Use the 30 mins of reading as a reward - if she gets her teeth brushed and her pjs on in under 10 mins, you will stay and read with her for 30 mins. If she faffs, no reading.

The half hour toothbrushing is a pure waste of time, to be reduced to five minutes max.

But the half hour of reading is a lovely thing, and one that lots of children have to be coerced into. I wouldn't want to sit in silence, but I'd want to listen to her read, and I'd want to read to her too, and discuss the book, and ask her questions about it. It's 30 mins of undivided quality time in a whole day, just make it less boring.

That’s a lot of hours over a year!

Buy her a radio, put it on very low. pop back in 30mins.

I’m getting this with my 13 yo dd! She struggles with reading so I’m trying to embrace it but I’m trying to get her to read so she’s finished by 8:30 and I can have a bit of an evening to myself.

OP how would you manage if you had 4 children all demanding the same? Easy answer, you wouldn't!

It is a ridiculous situation but also one that you have allowed to develop and now you have to deal with the results.

I agree with the timer idea, so many minutes for getting into PJs, teeth brushed etc and then you will sit with her for five minutes while she starts to read and get settled. Leave and set the timer again for half an hour, which is when you go back, turn off her light and say goodnight to her.

And, to the PP who suggests 'playing with hands and feet' might be dodgy, ffs get a grip woman.

Then, she demands that I sit with her whilst she reads to herself in silence!!!!

Do you always give in to her 'demands'? When do you plan on being the adult?

Why not sit and read yourself?

Tbh I wouldn’t be allowing dc to be in charge though and it sounds like she is quite demanding

Does your dh ever take his turn sitting there in silence for 30 minutes while your daughter reads?
He seems to think it’s mean of you to find this a tedious chore...so how often does he do it?

P.s I’ve got three children and have never sat in silence beside them for half an hour while they read. Why would I? What a waste of time.

I mean she might ‘demand’ it...but she’s eight. You say no.

We read to them at that age (about 15 mins) if she then wants to read you don't need to sit with her

Why on earth are you pandering to an 8 year old with prolonged bedtimes, sitting in silence whilst she reads and foot rubbing/ hand holding until she falls asleep . You are creating a right little princess. I understand we all want to love and do the best for our DC and ensure they know they are loved (we have an only DC too) but this is taking it to extremes.

What happens if she goes on a sleepover or has friends to stay? Does she go to Brownie Camp or school residentials?

You really need to have a plan in action for this to stop. What would happen if you were rushed into hospital as an emergency (or worse)?

You are the adult. It's time to show some authority. Children don't get what they demand all the time and you are being messed around. Put your foot down.