To not want I sit for 30 mins in silence whilst DD reads

[daffydowndilys]

OK, so bed time seems to take almost 1.5 hours and it's starting to get my goat.

DD (8) messes around getting into her PJ's and brushing her teeth. Unless I stand over her and brush her teeth for her this can take almost 30 mins.

Then, she demands that I sit with her whilst she reads to herself in silence!!!! Then she wants cuddles before bed.

Now I know she is only 8 and I will miss these times when they are gone. I really do know that.

But I work full time, I get home, cook dinner, then at least 1 hour for bedtime. Then I have to work at home all evening until my bedtime.

DH thinks I'm mean not to sit with her for 30mins in silence whilst she reads to herself.

Is that really awful? I feel really bad.

What's with the 'playing with her feet and hands' thing?

This sounds slightly dodgy to me.

Just say no OP. You can kid yourself in future telling your self these were wonderful memories but you’re basically letting a child dictate you only potential but of R&R time. Sorry but you’re a sucker.

Oh gosh! Really nothing dodgy.

She likes foot rubs just like her mum. DH is just too soft!

Use a timer and if she isn't in bed by the time the timer goes off then she doesn't get to read by herself. I would come back at lights out for quick cuddle and chat - 5 mins max.

Kids do not 'play' their parents - they aren't 'manipulative' 'madams' who are consciously 'mugging you off'. Jesus.

Have you talked to her op? Asked her why she wants/needs you to sit there? Have you said, 'i know you want me around and my attention but it's not fun for me to sit here in silence while you read, so I'm going to go away and come back in half an hour to give you a cuddle and kiss you goodnight.'??

Kids don't play their parents? Righto 😂

DH thinks I'm mean not to sit with her for 30mins in silence whilst she reads to herself.

He just volunteered, then didn't he?

DD is the same age. A story from us, a song from each of us, kisses, cuddles, then she gets to read while we, crucially, are downstairs.

@loafofsellotape I'll rephrase - it's highly unlikely they're doing it just to be a pain in the arse. What isn't OP's DD getting that's making her demand this attention? Enough attention the rest of the time perhaps?

Lol at ‘kids don’t play their parents’.

I think she should do her school reading earlier (at kitchen table while you cook or wash up or meditate) Then she should have a short read or chat before sleep, if she has got ready in good time.

Bump the child is not demanding attention, her mother has to sit in silence for gods sake while she does a one-person activity!

The child is simply demanding her mother does what she wants.

My 8yo falls asleep to audiobooks. Current faves are Roald Dahl (Book People do the collection) and the three Magic Faraway stories (also Book People, I think).

It's a bit weird that she is doing what her mum does - does DH give you foot rubs too?

Both of you need to put your feet down.
Is your DH playing good cop here?
Is there an element of competition between you wrt relationships with DD?

If DH gives you both foot rubs then you and he need to start reclaiming certain aspects of your relationship just for each other - for the grown ups - and start treating DD like the child that she is. Establishing proper boundaries that separate the adult relationships from the relationship with the child is very important. DD will feel more secure when she knows she has her own world and dad and mum have theirs.

DH and DD can find other things to bond over.

I second the suggestions for a limited total time for bedtime - max time 30-40 minutes, to include dressing, washing face and hands, teeth and reading).

@mathanxiety

I think that you’re projecting a blurring of nurturing/ sexual boundaries that I don’t read at all in the situation with the foot rubbing.

The OP has no anxiety around this. Please don’t make it a source of concern- when it isn’t and it doesn’t need to be. It’s unfair and can actually be hugely harmful.

What's with the 'playing with her feet and hands' thing? This sounds slightly dodgy to me.

What the actual fuck? What a sick mind you have.

Wondered how long it would be before someone chimed in with how 'dodgy' it is for a child's own FATHER to play with her feet people are ridiculous on here sometimes.

What isn't OP's DD getting that's making her demand this attention? Enough attention the rest of the time perhaps?

Oh enough of the cod psychology. It doesn’t mean that she is being starved of attention. She’s just doing what loads of kids do. Dragging out bedtime because she’d rather have her parents around than being in bed. I know I did and I was an only child with a SAHM so I had her total undivided attention. Didn’t stop me mucking around at bedtime though.

DH thinks I'm mean not to sit with her for 30mins in silence whilst she reads to herself.

So he won't mind doing that bit then will he

What's with the 'playing with her feet and hands' thing? This sounds slightly dodgy to me.

Maybe not dodgy, but she's 8. It seems inappropriate to me as well.

What's inappropriate about it? It's her hands and feet? It's not sexual!

Interestingly there is another thread at the moment asking whether you would stay by your child when they are in bed if they asked you, and would you be mum A who leaves them on their own or mum B who would stay with them.

OP is your DD anxious? Do you think she is playing you or needs company before falling asleep?

You definitely need to curtail the faffing around getting ready before bed (DS(14) has always taken forever to get ready for bed, or anything really, so I feel your pain) but one thing we tried not to curtail was his reading time, as that seemed such an important thing to us. So that might mean she does some reading before actually going upstairs to bed, or one of you read to her and then send her upstairs to get ready for bed. Then you can work on her getting ready for bed quicker and possibly giving her more reading time or more time to sit with her, if she hasn’t taken too long to get ready.

I too would second audio books (we used to get ours from the library or book people) Wind in the willows was another gentle one to listen to.

I know you say you are not really a reading person but it is a really good thing for your DD to see her parents reading books, I have enjoyed rereading all my childhood favourite books with DS over the last few years. I know all my Primary School teacher friends all advocate reading with your children, even once your child can read competently. It doesn’t have to be for long, as you don’t want to be extending your bedtime routine even more.

OP, it's really hard to say "no" when kids want you to spend time with them.

Especially if there is a bit of working parent guilt going on, and when Facebook etc. seems to be full of soppy memes (mostly written by idiots) about "YOU WILL MISS THESE MOMENTS ONE DAY, ENJOY YOUR KIDS WHEN THEY ARE LITTLE" etc.

To help you to be a bit firmer, try to think of this in terms of "opportunity cost." I.e., if you cannot get your housework and life admin done in the evenings in a timely manner because you are sitting there in silence for half an hour every evening, then it is going to have a knock-on effect on other things--you will be tired and grumpy, and you will also have to spend more of your weekends catching up with boring shit, which will mean less fun time to be spent with the kids. Can you think of it in this way, and point this out to both your DH and your daughter?

How had this descended into friggin boundaries on foot rubbing?

Tell your DH to just go out and get drunk, never pay his CSA, might be for the best, never see DD again eh?

At least she's reading. It's a good habit.

God I was a working mum and I never missed or regretted any of the moments.

Nor did I sit in silence while my child read or rub her feet and hands.

This child sounds anxious and troubled tbh. And the parents are pandering by rubbing feet and enduring 30 minute tooth brushing sessions and 30 minute reading worship sessions. I would say get to the bottom of what is going on with this kid - it might be anxiety it might be boredom it might be too early a bedtime or it might be a child happy to wield control. No matter what deal with it - stop rubbing the feet, sitting in silence, begging for teeth to be brushed for 30 minutes - that stuff is insane - figure out your actual problem and try to solve it.

I have a 7 and 2 year old. Bath is 15 mins (DS2 has some medication he has to take which delays the rigmarole slightly). Getting dressed and teeth 5-10 mins more. I read to DS2, DS1 reads to himself. And lights out at 7:30. He can fall asleep when he likes but he isn’t allowed to get out of his room (I make him go to the toilet again just before lights off and he has water). He is usually asleep in minutes. But on the odd night is muttering to himself for longer.
So with two kids I start at 6:45 and one is asleep by 7:15 and one has lights out at 7:30. I also work FT and there is no space in my routine for a 1.5 hour bedtime. Even if the reading takes 30 mins what is happening for the remaining HOUR?