Neighbours complaining about toddler noise

[NadT]

Hello,

I'm looking for opinions and any advice please. We are a family of 3 living in a semi-detached house. We have a 2 and a half year old. Over the last few months, just as he turned 2, the neighbours started sending messages stating they could hear 'constant banging' particularly in the mornings. Without more specific information we assumed that they were referring to our toddler waking at 5.30, getting out of his bed and running around his room and jumping. For the record my husband and I hate this too! I was out at the time and so sent a reasonable message back apologising and explaining. My husband sent a friendly message to her husband also explaining. We had return comments such as "It's not on" and "we believe you can do something about it". We asked them for a face to face to discuss exactly what their grievances were and they ignored the message.

After that they blocked us and cut off communication. This week one of them posted a Facebook post on our private residents page complaining about inconsiderate neighbours and that they would be moving as a result of noise in a few years. We were highly embarrassed by this as other neighbours contacted us asking what was going on.

We felt this was unwarranted and so contacted them again asking for a face to face so we could find out exactly what it was that we are doing that is bothering them do much. We received responses full of abuse and our offer to meet was firmly rejected.

We are now uncomfortable and anxious in our own home. I find myself panicking and shouting at my poor toddler every time he makes some sort of noise. We have tried everything to get him to sleep in later in the mornings such as Gro clock, rewards, modifying naps and asking the health visitor for advice. Nothing works. He wakes early.

The banging is also probably coming from his tantrums which at the moment are epic! Again we deal with them but we can't stop them outright or predict when they are going to happen!

My confidence has been severely damaged by their comments towards me and my toddler. Heavily implying that my toddler is an inconvience because of his noise. Whilst I genuinely sympathise and appreciate the noise isn't fun I would like the opportunity to give them context and insight so that they can at least understand why it's happening. I'm also genuinely happy to try and change a few things but by refusing to meet us to discuss it I'm not sure how I can move forward without information about exactly what is bothering them. My husband struggles with depression and this has set him back too especially in his search for a job.

We live in Scotland so far away from our families and hence any support or option to go and stay with them for a bit. We aren't financially able to move house and don't want to leave anyway.

Advice gratefully appreciated. And shared experiences!

Some kids are terrors and can be extremely noisy my kids are 5 and 2 love to play jump around all day play in back garden and have a neighbour what as no kids really scruffy smelly things her dogs bark all day long but she reports me every week about my kids play fighting singing even screaming when the can have their own way am just saying kids are noisy might be better if toddlers in a routine but some kids are mornjy we're my heath visitor says if there's nothing wrong with your child leave them to cry so they get out of been mornjy so I would definitely not be pussi footing round my neighbours you need to get up when you first hear the child make breakfast have relax time at that time I couldnt stay in bed and let my toddler stay alone running round

Bloody hell OP! How thin are the walls? I live in a new build and the walls are like paper, I can hear next door's kid running up the stairs and screaming at night but SO WHAT he is a CHILD, some people need go get a grip....

YABU.

Why are you allowing him to run around and jump at 5.30am. It's not okay just because, for the record, you hate it too

Get up and take him downstairs quietly. There's a reason most toddlers don't do this and it's because they aren't allowed to.

I'm surprised at the harshness of some responses on here.

The neighbours' annoyance at the noise was understandable, but they've been very unreasonable in the way they dealt with it - posting comments on Facebook and refusing to engage with the OP.

The child isn't being inconsiderate or malicious - he's just doing what small children do, surely? The neighbours will be sorry if they move and find themselves next to all night party types!

Completely agree @ScreamingValenta

There are some really harsh and over the top responses here. Kids make noise and sometimes it can't be helped. The neighbours could be a bit more understanding and they certainly didn't need to go on social media to vent. How nasty and immature.

OP if you have apologised and tried to do all you can to stop your ds banging about it the mornings (which I'm sure he'll grow out of anyway) then I wouldn't worry. Some people just love to have a moan.

You sound like awful neighbors. I’d be highly pissed off if you lived next door.

OP I feel for you here. If you had posted this thread on parenting for advice instead of AIBU which guarantees a flaming I think you would have received more balanced replies and helpful not critical responses. Could you get it moved?
I have 3 DC the youngest who is 21/2 and his temper tantrums are astonishingly loud. Although they have improved recently through lots of hard work our end, they are still 1 or 2 a day and sometimes letting him cry it out for 10mins is the most effective method. I can imagine in a semi-detached I also would be stressing about his noise but seriously, there is not a lot you can do other than trying different strategies which is t you sound like you have been doing. I hope things improve for you soon

Just to prove my point ihatehashtags
Really helpful input there 🙄

I really don't get the 'they're only kids they make noise' responses. That's all well and good until you're being woken up every night and it's affecting your mental health. I used to live next to someone who kept their toddler up until 12/1am and let them run around the house banging, they were also on drugs with no jobs and had parties until 7am. The thought of living next to selfish fuckers like that again knocks me sick.

"that they would be moving as a result of noise in a few years"

Problem solved!

I'd document any further abuse you receive but otherwise ignore them.

You've done nothing wrong OP. Some people on here could start a fight in an empty room.

Toddlers make noise. They're being unreasonable.

Some quite harsh responses on here, but I agree with majority that your insistance with a face-to-face is a bit barmy. What can they/you say? They will say - your toddler is heavy footed, crashes about with toys, sometimes early morning, and has tantrums. You will say - I'm sorry, we hate it too, this is what it is like having a toddler, he cant help it. How does that help them or you? You already know the problem so don't need to hear it from them again, they just want it (reasonably or unreasonably) to stop, so don't need the explanations/apologies again.

@crazycatgal just a tad different then! 😂

crazycatgal I'm sorry to hear of your bad experiences.

The situation you describe isn't really the same as the OP's, though. The OP has an early-rising, noisy toddler - she hasn't said he's up late at night as well or that they're having parties till 7am.

@Newbie1981 Not really, even when it was just the toddler noise late at night/early morning it was an absolute nightmare.

Ok love, Whatever you say

I'd totally ignore them and their complaints.

@ScreamingValenta

Thanks, the toddler next to me was the opposite, up til silly-o-clock making noise but then slept until late because his parents kept him up all of the time.

I might be more sympathetic to toddler noise if I live next to a normal neighbour, all I know is that at the time with everything else it was a nightmare.

I really don't get the 'they're only kids they make noise' responses. That's all well and good until you're being woken up every night and it's affecting your mental health. I used to live next to someone who kept their toddler up until 12/1am and let them run around the house banging, they were also on drugs with no jobs and had parties until 7am. The thought of living next to selfish fuckers like that again knocks me sick.

That's a total extreme, dud you have cause for concern for the child? If so did you alert SS?

I'm with most of the others OP you are completely and utterly taking the piss and being the arsehole neighbour they accused you of being. It's good that you are embarrassed, you should be. Sorry, I know that's harsh but once you knew your DC was waking them at a horrendous hour the only thing you should have done was apologise and immediately taken steps to ensure they were no longer disturbed. Either move your DC's bedroom, bring him to bed with you when he wakes or just get up with him and bring him downstairs to play or watch tv quietly. Yes, that sucks for you but that's your responsibility as a parent.

Being woken up by a child left to make noise just because you don't like it either is arsehole behaviour. Asking for a face to face meeting after they made their complaint known was potentially intimidating and certainly passive aggressive. You are 100% in the wrong for not considering how your parenting choices affected them and even worse you doubled down on your poor behaviour after they let you know they were badly affected.

@boobirdblue Yeah I reported them, it definitely wasn't a good environment for a child.

Yes sure toddlers make noise. It at 5:30am it’s the parents job to make sure that noise has a minimum as possible effect on anybody else. You get up and you calm your child, you take them downstairs for early breakfast, a cuddle on the sofa with a little bit of tv or a story. You don’t let them bang around.

that they would be moving as a result of noise in a few years

Well that's just daft. In a couple of years the child will be 5 years old, and probably much quieter, capable of entertaining themselves quietly if they wake up early. If it's bothering them so much, they could move now!

But I agree with the majority here, it is unreasonable of the OP not to make attempts to quieten their child at that time, by getting up with the child and playing with them / watching television / taking them out to a local park and loving that it's empty (can you tell I've done the latter?!)

I'm lucky if I get 3 hours sleep with the little fucker. I've never seen said baby, though it's there a few months now, but I literally can't sleep because I'm woken up at about 2am and 5am by this screaming. It screams. It doesn't cry. It's genuinely affecting my mental health.

I've been there, DockerDre. It's hell.

When my neighbours youngest was a baby, the cot was alongside the party wall, about 3' from my head. They used to leave her to cry, in the night, for an hour or so at a time. By the time they'd finally done whatever kept her quiet, I was so distraught and full of rage that I couldn't get back to sleep.

This went on for a few months. Then she had another year or so of early waking and being noisy when she was about 18 months old. The design of the houses (front bedroom full width, fitted wardrobes over stairwell on non-party side, window and rad on front wall) is such that there's no other uninterrupted wall to accommodate a double bed.

I tried ear plugs, but nothing would drown out the noise.

At the time, I had quite a high-powered job and it was really affecting my performance at work. There were days when I was so shattered I couldn't think straight. Sometimes I phoned in sick rather than go in and risk making some massive fuck up and then I ended up being warned about my excessive sick leave.

It really did me in. I was weepy, anxious, jumpy, stressed - looking back on it now gives me the shudders and that baby is 24!