Neighbours complaining about toddler noise

[NadT]

Hello,

I'm looking for opinions and any advice please. We are a family of 3 living in a semi-detached house. We have a 2 and a half year old. Over the last few months, just as he turned 2, the neighbours started sending messages stating they could hear 'constant banging' particularly in the mornings. Without more specific information we assumed that they were referring to our toddler waking at 5.30, getting out of his bed and running around his room and jumping. For the record my husband and I hate this too! I was out at the time and so sent a reasonable message back apologising and explaining. My husband sent a friendly message to her husband also explaining. We had return comments such as "It's not on" and "we believe you can do something about it". We asked them for a face to face to discuss exactly what their grievances were and they ignored the message.

After that they blocked us and cut off communication. This week one of them posted a Facebook post on our private residents page complaining about inconsiderate neighbours and that they would be moving as a result of noise in a few years. We were highly embarrassed by this as other neighbours contacted us asking what was going on.

We felt this was unwarranted and so contacted them again asking for a face to face so we could find out exactly what it was that we are doing that is bothering them do much. We received responses full of abuse and our offer to meet was firmly rejected.

We are now uncomfortable and anxious in our own home. I find myself panicking and shouting at my poor toddler every time he makes some sort of noise. We have tried everything to get him to sleep in later in the mornings such as Gro clock, rewards, modifying naps and asking the health visitor for advice. Nothing works. He wakes early.

The banging is also probably coming from his tantrums which at the moment are epic! Again we deal with them but we can't stop them outright or predict when they are going to happen!

My confidence has been severely damaged by their comments towards me and my toddler. Heavily implying that my toddler is an inconvience because of his noise. Whilst I genuinely sympathise and appreciate the noise isn't fun I would like the opportunity to give them context and insight so that they can at least understand why it's happening. I'm also genuinely happy to try and change a few things but by refusing to meet us to discuss it I'm not sure how I can move forward without information about exactly what is bothering them. My husband struggles with depression and this has set him back too especially in his search for a job.

We live in Scotland so far away from our families and hence any support or option to go and stay with them for a bit. We aren't financially able to move house and don't want to leave anyway.

Advice gratefully appreciated. And shared experiences!

YABU
You knew exactly what the problem was, both times. You didn't need any more info. You didn't need to meet your neighbour. You just needed to address it. Which you didn't.

I don't think your neighbour has been unreasonable. You drive them to it. I'm not surprised that they want to move.

www.soundservice.co.uk/quietfloor_plus.html Things like this. You can get ones specifically for kids' rooms too.

Move his room, bring him in with you, get up with him, take him downstairs. All those things you could do.

Toddler noise is blood awful - it’s barely ok dealing with your own toddlers but others are a form of torture.

I’m not surprised they are fed up. It will pass but it’s bloody miserable for them.

Well ..we have a family of 3 next to us .that child makes a horrendous noise screaming banging ,they leave her up late ,so she’s overtired,and then leave her to scream in her room. or in the garden I’m sick of it.
Can understand how yr neighbors feel.
Could you move the bedrooms round so he’s on the other side of the house and away from their bedrooms.

Or he’s a novel idea ,you could try getting up and parenting him..mine were up at 5.30 .its what toddlers do.

They told you what the problem was.
What have you actually done about it - other than ask them to repeat themselves?

Your neighbours have told you the noise is annoying, you seem to know when your son makes noise so why do you need to meet with the neighbours before 'you can move forward'?

Your neighbours are not interested in why your son is noisy, they just want the noise levels reduced so they can enjoy sleeping and their home.

So look after your child then?

Can you investigate maybe putting in soundproofing? Otherwise if they're standard 3 bed houses, they could move bedrooms or could you move toddler?

If I was being woken at 5.30 most mornings by a noisy child next door, had contacted the parents to be told (politely!) that it's just the way it is, I'd be at the end of my tether too. I'm team neighbour here.

You need to find a way to deal with it. There are lots of good suggestions upthread. Move his bedroom to the other side of the house so it's not against the party wall. Blackout curtains and/or blinds so the room stays dark. One of you gets up with him as soon as he wakes. Put him to bed later or reduce daytime naps.

i am also genuinely happy to try and change a few things

So do so. You don't need a meeting about it.

Yabu, they've told you what the noise is and you know what's causing it. You're sounding aggressive and confrontational demanding a 'face to face' so while them being rude in messages isn't ok you have been deliberately obstructive.

I know toddlers aren't quiet, and they get up early, but if you're leaving him in his room to bang and jump from 5:30 that's not on. That early you need to take practical steps to minimise disturbance like take him downstairs and away from the joining wall. When my dd went through a phase of waking at 3am every day me and dh would bring her downstairs, stick in the night garden on and give her a piece of toast so we didn't disturb the neighbours. When she was waking at night I slept in the bedroom away from the joining wall so the baby crying didn't wake next door- it's easy enough to do.

Normal day to day noise is fine and expected in reasonable hours - say between 8-8 - and your neighbours would be u to be annoyed at that but 5:30 every morning you can see why they're pissed off.

DS used to wake really early every morning (like 4.30am sometimes). He didn't cry or even make much of a fuss as a toddler but he was awake so would just sing and chatter to himself until we got him up.
Since this noise kept me awake let alone my neighbours, we would usually get up with him and bring him downstairs and put the TV on. Of course on MN that is as bad parenting as letting them make any noise at all before 9am .

Howvever, given how they have behaved, I would let my toddler do whatever suited me in the mornings. If they had been reasonable I'd have taken him downstairs or even got DH to take him out for a bit (which he used to do even at 6am) even if I didn't want to but since the neighbours are being so unpleasant I'd ignore it and only get up if it suits you or the noise is keeping you awake.

Hopefully they will move out (as they are saying they will - fat chance probably) and your toddler will get older soon and not make so much noise in the morning. Then again as I get older I give fewer fucks about the well-being of people who are rude and unpleasant so I appreciate I may be being unreasonable.

As for other people asking about it. Just be honest and say that they are complaining because you have a toddler who makes some noise and just leave it at that. It is hardly the crime of the century

Why is there nothing you can do? Of course there is!

It’s neighbours like you that lead to me installing hundreds of pounds worth of soundproof walling because the noise of unrestrained toddlers from the early hours was making me ill from the lack of sleep.

If the situation is really bothering you that much that it's disrupting your life then you need to take some action. Accept that you're going to have to do all the ground work, and send some flowers/wine and a note of apology about the noise. Tell them you're taking steps to try and stop the noise, and that you'd love to be back on friendly terms again/you miss the friendly relationship you once had. Flattery can get you to a lot of places. Don't make excuses (they really don't care about your opinion or why it's happening, they just want it to stop), just simply apologise and say that you'll do your best to keep noise to a minimum. If they have children, maybe even ask for their help with solutions, again, flatter them. Let them think they're getting the upper hand here.

I just think this isn't something that should be making you and your partner ill, and if you need to rise above it and slap a smile on your face then do it so that your mind is at peace again, and you can feel happy in your home once again.

Failing that - I guess your only option is to move? You shouldn't be this unhappy in your home, it's your sanctuary.

As others have said, get up with him. Problem solved for early mornings. I can't believe you've let it continue. No wonder they are furious.

YABU
You knew exactly what the problem was, both times. You didn't need any more info. You didn't need to meet your neighbour. You just needed to address it. Which you didn't

Yep.

OP I really don't think you're being unreasonable, and this coming from somebody who detests noise. How much noise can he actually be making? I would tell them to shove it with their attitude. By all means try to move his bedroom if you can but I wouldn't be tripping over myself to accommodate them. I'm assuming they could move bedrooms as well.

YABU If he wakes up 5:30 then you wake up 5:00 and make yourself ready and bring him down before he start making any noise.

It sounds like you’ve made real efforts to meet with them and talk about it civilly but they are refusing - what else can you do?

I disagree.

Toddler is running around and jumping and being loud at 5.30 am. Not crying, or howling with night terrors- but playing noisily and unsupervised.

Make an effort- take toddler into yourbed, placate him with screen time, or you know get up yourself and interact or play with him so your neighbours aren’t tortured by early morning running and jumping.

And for what it’s worth, I wouldn’t want to meet with you either- what’ There to talk about? Just manage your child’s early morning running and jumping !

Bizarre that they've said they'll be moving in a few years time. He'll probably have outgrown that early morning stage by then.

But why is the toddler being allowed to jump around and bang toys about in his room at 5.30? When the toddler is up, you get up. Start the day. If they need to be kept quiet then go downstairs, put the tv and watch or get out some books and read to them or play with quieter toys.

My boys both get up at 5am. Always have. They are 5 and 7 years old now and I've given up trying to adjust that time; we just get up and start the day.

Can you move his bedtime forward a bit ?.If he wakes at 5.30am .Try putting him to bed about 7 30 to 8 30.that may help.TBH I think most people would not be happy with this ,and you need to deal with it promptly.As someone else said ,send a little gift. apologise and say you are working on it!.Try to tire him out during the day.You need to be up and about with him watch TV, read a story or whatever.

I don't understand why you wanted a sit-down meeting? It was clear what the problem was and what you needed to do (get up when your child gets up). Why didn't you do that?