Neighbours complaining about toddler noise

[NadT]

Hello,

I'm looking for opinions and any advice please. We are a family of 3 living in a semi-detached house. We have a 2 and a half year old. Over the last few months, just as he turned 2, the neighbours started sending messages stating they could hear 'constant banging' particularly in the mornings. Without more specific information we assumed that they were referring to our toddler waking at 5.30, getting out of his bed and running around his room and jumping. For the record my husband and I hate this too! I was out at the time and so sent a reasonable message back apologising and explaining. My husband sent a friendly message to her husband also explaining. We had return comments such as "It's not on" and "we believe you can do something about it". We asked them for a face to face to discuss exactly what their grievances were and they ignored the message.

After that they blocked us and cut off communication. This week one of them posted a Facebook post on our private residents page complaining about inconsiderate neighbours and that they would be moving as a result of noise in a few years. We were highly embarrassed by this as other neighbours contacted us asking what was going on.

We felt this was unwarranted and so contacted them again asking for a face to face so we could find out exactly what it was that we are doing that is bothering them do much. We received responses full of abuse and our offer to meet was firmly rejected.

We are now uncomfortable and anxious in our own home. I find myself panicking and shouting at my poor toddler every time he makes some sort of noise. We have tried everything to get him to sleep in later in the mornings such as Gro clock, rewards, modifying naps and asking the health visitor for advice. Nothing works. He wakes early.

The banging is also probably coming from his tantrums which at the moment are epic! Again we deal with them but we can't stop them outright or predict when they are going to happen!

My confidence has been severely damaged by their comments towards me and my toddler. Heavily implying that my toddler is an inconvience because of his noise. Whilst I genuinely sympathise and appreciate the noise isn't fun I would like the opportunity to give them context and insight so that they can at least understand why it's happening. I'm also genuinely happy to try and change a few things but by refusing to meet us to discuss it I'm not sure how I can move forward without information about exactly what is bothering them. My husband struggles with depression and this has set him back too especially in his search for a job.

We live in Scotland so far away from our families and hence any support or option to go and stay with them for a bit. We aren't financially able to move house and don't want to leave anyway.

Advice gratefully appreciated. And shared experiences!

@DockerDre Can you get some heavy duty ear plugs? A white noise app? Unfortunately nobody can control a baby's crying.

Do you think that it's fair that your neighbours have to wake up everytime you leave your child crying for minutes/hours? Is that fucking fair?

Next time I go to the shops. I'll expense it back to them.

I suspect I'd still hear these screams anyway. I've tried music and I can still hear the screams. Whenever I've used earplugs I can hear my blood running through my veins so I normally can't use them. But these neighbours are doing my fucking head in. I'll try anything.

I. CAN'T. GET. NO. SLEEP.

@DockerDre but sometimes short of smothering certain babies there's no unsinister way to "shut them up". The baby could have medical problems, could have colic, could simply be predisposed to wailing, mum could have pnd and could be contemplating doing horrible things to said baby as it can't be easy on the parents either. But you wouldn't know any of this because you haven't gone round to ask how they are, if they need food, if all's ok. I can guarantee they're not enjoying life either.

JUST GIVE IT A FUCKING DUMMY, OR A TIT OR A BOTTLE BUT FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, SHUT IT UP!!!
My newborn baby has silent reflux, won't take a dummy, and when she's screaming in pain, she won't feed or sleep until I've calmed her, which can take a long time. She'll also scream through a nappy change and I can't shove my boob in her mouth while simultaneously changing a pooey nappy and dealing with her stealth wees. Babies cry, their parents are usually attending them when they do, and worrying about neighbours like you only adds to the stress.

You can't just "shut a baby up". You, however, can buy earplugs.

@DockerDre I suspect your MH issues were there long before the neighbours had a baby. Your reaction to neighbours having babies and daring to have more than one is ridiculous and not acceptable.

You don't like the baby stage, fine that's you. You choose to only have one child, fine that's you.

I would not be dictated to by an unreasonable person like you, you would not be telling me how many babies I would have.

Any one who doesn't have empathy with a small baby crying is totally unreasonable. Unless of course you think the child is being neglected in which case take appropriate steps.

I'm not sure the reason why you had to call the baby a "thing"?

Living next door to you must be fucking hell,

But OP, YABU you can control your toddler by taking him downstairs etc.

Can you try letting your child go to bed a little later so they wake up a little later? Outside of the UK it's not so common for toddlers to go to bed so crazy early and so they don't wake up so early. Where I live, toddlers will go to bed around 9 and so do not wake up until 9. Whenever I've told parents here that in England people put their kids to bed around 6 or 7 and wake up around 5 or 6 I'm met with looks of absolute disbelief.

Although I must say, I do find it vaguely ridiculous the way some people talk about children in the UK. Children make noise, they are small, they don't understand, and they can't just be 'shut up' by their parents. I find the way some people talk about children on this site to be very upsetting - it's vile and almost abusive. Stuff about children's noise being unacceptable and children being out in public in certain places upsetting people - it's like the very presence or sound of a child sets some people off. I've never seen anything like it in other countries I've lived in. Most places, children are accepted and loved and if they make some noise, oh well! They're just children. I can never get used to the absolute vitriol towards parents and children that I often see from British parents on this site. It makes me feel so gutted for the kids and parents who have to put up with this, and makes me absolutely petrified about taking my DC back to the UK for visits and I'm used to love and tolerance towards children from living abroad, not anger and viewing the poor things as annoying or inconvenient. Where I am currently living in Asia, people live in lots of tower blocks and you can often hear other people's children running, playing, crying etc as you're literally living on top of each other. If I were to turn up at any of these houses and complain that their child was making noise, they'd look at me like I was mad or like there was something wrong with me, being annoyed by the sound of a child and expecting that their parent should somehow silence them.

@what totally agree

They told you exactly what the problem was. There is no need to meet with them face to face to 'discuss' things, just deal with the bloody noise issue.

I don't think 5:30am is an unreasonable time to get up or make toddler noise. Most toddlers seem to get up at this time. As long as you're getting up with him, taking him downstairs and doing your best to keep noise to a minimum I think they're being unreasonable.

My 4 year old wakes between 4am-5am every day. I'd never leave her to bang around her room but I don't make her tiptoe either. I get up at 5am for work anyway. We watch cartoons for a bit then I shower, use a hairdryer etc all before 6am. We're in a semi and haven't had any complaints. I often hear the neighbours moving around or dropping things in the night.

If you want to speak to your neighbours so badly why don’t you go and knock on their door? Sending text messages is an odd way to communicate with someone who is sat a few meters away.

I can understand why they don’t want to meet you. There is nothing to be gained for them. The meeting is very one sided - you want to make yourself feel better by telling them the noise is just normal 2 year old stuff and that you’re trying to address it. If I was your neighbour I wouldn’t care. I would just want you to do much more to make it stop.

Why aren’t you taking your child straight downstairs when he wakes up? Read him some stories or put the TV on (quietly) so that he’s not running and shouting.

The tantrums probably aren’t much of a problem since they’re probably not happening at 5:30.

It seems like you and your husband are being quite sensitive about the text messages and Facebook post. I don’t think you should let it bother you. You haven’t fallen out with friends. Nobody else is going to judge you for what they read on the Facebook group. If anything they will judge your neighbour for being to rude and childish.

Requesting a ‘face to face’ instead of just trying to address the problem is unreasonable. You know what the problem is, so don’t pretend you don’t - your toddler makes noise from 5.30am. You don’t like it and you’re his parents! You don’t need a ‘face to face’ - you just want to try to intimidate/guilt them into backing down.

OP, you say the situation has affected your confidence and clearly this thread is not helping. You seem to struggle with your toddler and feeling helpless and needing support.

I hope you get it from friends and family, but you can't expect understanding from a neighbour who is heavily disturbed by your toddler when ultimately, what is is asking is for him to be moved to another room at this time of the morning so he can sleep.

Also at this age, you can start introducing the notion of disturbance. You sont shout at him, you calmly explain that the noise he makes is waking up the neighbour who is very upset because he wants to sleep more.

There's some awful people on here by the way. Jeez!

Requesting a ‘face to face’ instead of just trying to address the problem is unreasonable. You know what the problem is, so don’t pretend you don’t - your toddler makes noise from 5.30am. You don’t like it and you’re his parents! You don’t need a ‘face to face’ - you just want to try to intimidate/guilt them into backing down.

This ^^

My friend had very difficult baby. The neighbour wrote a note telling them to 'shut it up. The police took this seriously. Just saying drdre.

Op , unfortunately yabu if you are not keeping toddler quiet at 5am

My God, I’d be buying a drum kit!

1. My kids wake early, any time from 4, and one of us always gets up with them. You can’t leave them if they make a noise. Just get up, make a cuppa, and plan your revenge for when he’s a teenager.
2. You may have tried changing his bedtime, nap time, daily activities (as have we) but if they don’t work, you have to just get up.
3. Who tries to arrange face to face with a neighbour? Knock on their door, call over the fence when you’re both outside. Make sure your first words are sorry for the noise though.

Good luck

we assumed that they were referring to our toddler waking at 5.30, getting out of his bed and running around his room and jumping. For the record my husband and I hate this too!

So you know what the problem is. Do what normal people do. Get up and look after your child.
You don't need a meeting with the neighbours.

Have you flounced OP?

Try a gro clock. They change colour when its "wake up time" and before that its quiet time or time to stay in bed. We trained our daughter with it - if she woke before "wake up time" we would go into her room and lie down with her or read quiet stories until the sun came up, then made a big deal about the fact it was now morning and went downstairs. She doesnt make any noise before the 6.30 wake up time now.

If something like this doesnt work then you'll just have to take your child downstairs and keep them quiet. They are probably making all this noise because they're trying to get your attention - if you give it to them they won't wake the neighbors.