Neighbours complaining about toddler noise

[NadT]

Hello,

I'm looking for opinions and any advice please. We are a family of 3 living in a semi-detached house. We have a 2 and a half year old. Over the last few months, just as he turned 2, the neighbours started sending messages stating they could hear 'constant banging' particularly in the mornings. Without more specific information we assumed that they were referring to our toddler waking at 5.30, getting out of his bed and running around his room and jumping. For the record my husband and I hate this too! I was out at the time and so sent a reasonable message back apologising and explaining. My husband sent a friendly message to her husband also explaining. We had return comments such as "It's not on" and "we believe you can do something about it". We asked them for a face to face to discuss exactly what their grievances were and they ignored the message.

After that they blocked us and cut off communication. This week one of them posted a Facebook post on our private residents page complaining about inconsiderate neighbours and that they would be moving as a result of noise in a few years. We were highly embarrassed by this as other neighbours contacted us asking what was going on.

We felt this was unwarranted and so contacted them again asking for a face to face so we could find out exactly what it was that we are doing that is bothering them do much. We received responses full of abuse and our offer to meet was firmly rejected.

We are now uncomfortable and anxious in our own home. I find myself panicking and shouting at my poor toddler every time he makes some sort of noise. We have tried everything to get him to sleep in later in the mornings such as Gro clock, rewards, modifying naps and asking the health visitor for advice. Nothing works. He wakes early.

The banging is also probably coming from his tantrums which at the moment are epic! Again we deal with them but we can't stop them outright or predict when they are going to happen!

My confidence has been severely damaged by their comments towards me and my toddler. Heavily implying that my toddler is an inconvience because of his noise. Whilst I genuinely sympathise and appreciate the noise isn't fun I would like the opportunity to give them context and insight so that they can at least understand why it's happening. I'm also genuinely happy to try and change a few things but by refusing to meet us to discuss it I'm not sure how I can move forward without information about exactly what is bothering them. My husband struggles with depression and this has set him back too especially in his search for a job.

We live in Scotland so far away from our families and hence any support or option to go and stay with them for a bit. We aren't financially able to move house and don't want to leave anyway.

Advice gratefully appreciated. And shared experiences!

I live next door to a screamer. She’s in junior school now and still screams like a banshee some mornings. They obviously leave her to it but one morning it went on so long and so ear-spittingly I seriously started to wonder if she had woken to find the rest of the family all murdered in their beds and should I go round and rescue her.
Now I have a wall of storage dividing us but still occasionally hear her if she wakes in the night so also keep my trusty ear defenders by my bedside (oh the glamour)

I feel your pain OP. I too have a 2.5 year old and they're VERY noisy at this age.

That being said, taking them downstairs in the morning will be quieter and might make your neighbours a bit happier.

Your neighbours don't sound like very nice people though, hurling abuse and publically embarrassing you. Just comment back next time that you'll be glad to see the back of them as you wont have to put up with their abusive messages and play them at their own game.

I'm sorry what land do some of you live in, if you live in a family home Then you expect family noise! Young children make noise it can't always be stopped. Some children with Sen are noisy would you all be saying the same?
These new builds are much to blame, thin walls plaster board every where.
We can't here either side where we are and both have young children. Also babies can wake at all.times in the night. Perfectly normal for a toddler to wake at that time.

*pheinel+ - did you speak to your classical musician neighbours?

How old are your children TheGardenFairy

My youngest is 16, in the middle of GCSE's, and being woken up at 5am every morning...

I've had 5 children. Never would I have allowed them to make enough noise to disturb the neighbours, especially in the very early hours.

It's not great having a rowdy toddler but parents do what they have to to keep them quiet. Why expect neighbours to put up with incessant noise from your children?

Neighbours expect a certain amount of noise throughout the day when living next door to children. Nobody, who doesn't live with children, should have their sleep disrupted night after night.

We all know how exhausting it is when you have a new baby and your sleep is constantly interrupted. Imagine having your sleep constantly disrupted by others people's rowdy children!

My patience is wearing thin!

OP what have you decided.
As for supermommy You live in a family home with your DC. That's no reason to impact on people living right next door. I agree new builds are a bugger with lower insulation ... but my DM lived on the ground floor of a huge Edwardian building and she and anyone staying were disturbed by toddlers running around on wooden floors upstairs. She did ask for them to tune it down - socks, slippers, no noisy toys at 0530 but they never obliged. People have tolerance for sick children and baby noise, but not for someone who won't address the problem - getting up when your DC do, entertaining them, keeping them as quiet as possible, taking them for a walk, putting mats down, insisting on slippers or socks or bare feet. Moving rooms is pointless in a small terrace where the rooms are on top of each other, but can be done in some new builds.

I sympathise with your neighbours as it must be horrible living next door to tantrumming children (my own included!) and do think you should whisk your little boy downstairs as soon as he wakes.

But YANBU as they sound mean spirited and haven't handled it well at all. Small children are noisy, and it must be hard work to live next door to sometimes. But it's inevitable. As long as you're not being deliberately inconsiderate (which I don't think you are - you should definitely take him downstairs though as soon as he wakes rather than giving him the opportunity to run and jump) they should be a bit more understanding and meet with you face to face to talk through what could be done.

I had the same problem with my second child. His tantrums were out of control and now (hes 5) I still struggle on occasion to control him. His temper is... just wow!
It seems like you've tried everything to resolve the situation - your LO is just an early riser and theres not much else you can do to change that.
Dont be too hard on yourself OP - it's just on of those things. Being a parent is stressful enough without other people putting their penny worth in. If they haven't anything constructive to say; its bc there isn't anything to say!
Just ignore and enjoy your lovely family! Hes not doing anything that every other toddler does at that age!

I don't think our first-time-poster-on-Mumsnet is coming back, having wound everyone up into a froth ...

I feel like one of those mum’s from ‘Bad Moms’ coz I would probably not give a shit about my neighbour if they were so rude. I wouldn’t have responded like you though - I think you may come across (to them) in your wording as a bit passive aggressive or formal, rather than charming and friendly/neighbourly... especially if they are generally uptight anyway!
I would have just gone to see them with a bunch of flowers, a case of wine and some quality ear plugs and said “kids are noisy aren’t they?! I’ll do my best to keep the noise down - I’ll gag him if I have to coz I’m fucking knackered and need my sleep too! But if he chews through the gag again, here’s some ear plugs and wine to get you through it! The flowers were on offer so, there you go!”
Throw a wink in there if you think they aren’t getting the joke.
I grew up in a big detached farmhouse in the middle of nowhere, where you couldn’t even hear my siblings or parents coz our rooms were so far apart. The first experience I had of noise from neighbours was when I left home at 16. It was hell! To top it off I had never heard traffic either, just birds singing and the only thing that would irritate me at night would be the odd fox/cat fight! Or a persistent cuckoo first thing... very annoying when you have a hangover! But traffic - ugh! I hated noise (even though I was probably a noisy neighbour myself!) and swore I wouldn’t live in one when I “grew up” lol! I finally grew up at 32. Or should I say I made enough money to buy somewhere like I have - I will never grow up I don’t think!
So glad I don’t have neighbours (except my semi-deaf-but-super-loud parents, who are in a granny annex, and my husband’s ex and their 9yr old daughter (both of whom I love probably more than I love my husband and spend more time with than I do my own family - his ex has become my best friend over the years!) who are in a bungalow we built for them at the end of our land) for miles and miles coz we are a very loud, chaotic, super crazy, full of ADHD and slightly dysfunctional blended family 🤣

AIBU living up to its reputation, I see.

OP didn’t say that she or DH doesn't get up with their child. My twins are a similar age, and autistic - every morning I’m woken up to them pogoing in their cots (which they’re still in because letting them get in and out of bed would be catastrophic) and yelling. I get up as soon as I physically can have to pee first since twin pregnancy wrecked my bladder and once they’re up I can’t leave them unattended. They won’t come into our bed for love nor money so we have to get up.

We live in a terrace, I apologise to our neighbours for any noise every time I see them!

OP, if his wake ups are fairly predictable, I’ve started setting my alarm 15 mins earlier so that as soon as I hear a peep I can get them up

I live in an ordinary UK village, but for some reason here if you complain about noise from kids, building work or even parties, you are very likely to be seen as a trouble maker and ostracised. Someone posting as your neighbours have done on a local facebook page would have had their arse handed to them.

(The exception here seems to be dogs, they are fair game. Whether they are saying "woof" under their breath once a month or barking for 12 hours solid.)

I'm with the poster from overseas who said that if she went round knocking on doors about children making a noise they would think she was mad.

Get him to sleep in bed with you, he may sleep longer then! Books in bed are good....Put on Thomas The Tank ! It's easy to forget how cranky you can feel in the mornings when your child wants to have fun.

We don't know if they are the sort of neighbours that would complain about a child's noise at any time. When my daughter was 8 she would tap surfaces due to stimming and autism, there wasn't much I could do as it was a release for her after all the pent up tension in school. Next door to my Mum's house we had "The Twits" who hated children, and any kid of noise they made. I personally think it's petty to moan about it on facebook and not talk with you

I feel your pain OP- my 3.5 year old wakes up at 5.30 every morning without fail. DH and I take it in turns to get up with him and keep him quiet each morning so our older DS can sleep in peace. At the moment we are watching Aladdin - every. Single. Day. Could you let him have all of his TV time in the morning? Ours has square eyes, so happily sits and watches the box quietly when he wakes up (we just don’t let him have TV later in the day to balance the mum guilt!!)

I think they are being unreasonable. Yeah fair enough get up with him and do what you can but you can’t eliminate all noise in a morning from your son. What if he wakes up from a bad dream crying his eyes out? What are you meant to do then? Run downstairs with your hand over his mouth?

You should do what you can but it’s just tough I think

at 5:30 - yes, get up with him and keep him quiet

at 7:30 - the world has started, he can run around the house, but screaming continuously would be off.

I've been on both ends of it. If it's at a reasonable time, then kids are allowed to exist and that means they'll make a little bit more noise than adults (just walking my toddler made a racket - he got quieter as he got older). If parents are dealing with a kid in the grips of the terrible twos, or a baby, they need a break, and the noise will calm eventually. Even my neighbours who woke up both houses screaming 'Bradley! GET UP' every morning at 7am for years, as annoying as it was, were just living their lives in the house next door.

Is it your son? We thought the same about our neighbour until we discover a large rat in the loft. Sounded like someone banging around at night.

@Bignosenobum OMG!!!!

That's a good point, Bignose, I had a rat in my bedroom when staying in West Africa for a couple of months. That's exactly what it sounded like before it shot out from under my bed.

@Lizzie48 OMG OMG!!! 😮

Yes, I know, it was really scary. Our friends bought a rat trap to get rid of it, but it took several days without success first, during which time I tried to convince them that it might be simpler to allow a cat to come into the house.

@Lizzie48 I have to ask, did you sleep there whilst the rat was still about?

If so I give you a bravery 🏅.

Thank you. I was sharing a bedroom with my DM and we were both listening out nervously for the rat to come back into the bedroom. It didn't, thankfully, though it was spotted around the house.

I did have a scorpion in my bedroom on another visit to Africa. On that occasion, at least I had a mosquito net!

I killed a scorpion in my bedroom with the Mexican version of the Yellow Pages and a broom. Then sat up all night in chair against the wall as I'd heard that scorpions travel in pairs 😱🦂🦂