To help one grandchild if I couldn't afford to help all the same

[Jumpyy]

One of my grandchildren is going through a horrible time with fertility issues. She's been told that IVF is probably her only option which she and her husband cannot really afford.

She is suffering badly because of this, I believe very depressed and just not in a good place.

I have some money and I would like to give it to them for the treatment.

I have 4 other grandchildren most of whom are younger and (although unlikely), I probably wouldn't be able to afford to do the same for them or give them a similar amount at the same age, if I do this now.

WWYD? I don't want to see her suffering if I can help.

@7salmonswimming well written

What would happen if your other GC also had fertility problems and were distraught by it?

At the end of the day, your money your choice. Most people just caution as half your GC are too young to know if they would need IVF. If all were the same age or older, less caution would be advised. One pp had a very sad story about a family in turbulence where the worst did happen.

My mum is a carer for one of her dgc and pays for a lot of their living expenses. I don't think my dd will resent this in future and hopefully it will give her a good example of being caring to those in need.

All this nonsense about not knowing whether another GC may also be infertile.

I know a woman who donated a kidney to her young adult son. She has 3 children. Should she have let him die as she’d never be able to do the same for the other 2 if they became ill? We can’t live obsessively with ‘what ifs’. You make the choice that’s needed at the time based on the resources you have available.

@TheWaiting

That’s an unfair analogy. OP’s GD is not in a life or death situation. It’s one of the awful things you have to deal with, with infertility (and at the root of the NHS funding debate): there is optionality and choice in reproduction, and with finite resources necessity trumps want. Of course, to those suffering through infertility, the desperation can feel like there’s no choice. It’s so, so cruel for so many reasons.

The fact both the issues in your comparison are medical doesn’t make them equal. And hardly fair on the GS who needed the kidney transplant.

Should she have let him die as she’d never be able to do the same for the other 2 if they became ill?

Surely you can understand that saving a child's life is not quite the same as helping them have children.

Who could ever resent their GM trying to help her GC to conceive because they won't be getting as much money?

Another GC who wasn't able to conceive as well?

In any case, I think it's less how the other GC would feel, but more how the OP would feel if other GC had the same issue and she couldn't help them.
And what if you do need that money, because you don't seem to have that much in savings?

Absolutely give the money. Time is of the essence with this sort of thing and by the time she had saved money, there would be less chance of success.

Honestly it is a health issue, and money for this is nothing like money for a car or house deposit.

I had IVF and was eventually lucky enough to have a baby and the misery of my infertility were never truly leave it. It is a place of utter desperation and unlike other grief it escalates over time as you are conscious of every month passing making it less likely you are going to be a parent.

No one could begrudge this I am sure.

Also to all those people commenting on the mental health issues associated with a cancer diagnosis Vs infertility might not be aware that this comparison is based on research. Research has shown the mental health of infertile couples is as bad as those with a cancer diagnosis.
Personally I am a very resilient but I found it a living hell.

@Amara123 oh my god, you and some of the others on here - bet your fun to be around!

bet your fun to be around

Not really sure what you mean by this? That people who struggled or are struggling with infertility should stop being so down about it?

mumsthe you sound horrible.

amara23

You can pretty much guarantee the people who think you should just 'get over' infertility or 'concentrate on what you do have instead of what you don't' are the people it's worked out for.

@sincethereis and @mumsthe

Yep I am indeed. Infertility is a serious health problem with potentially significant emotional and social consequences for the people suffering. It frankly p's me off that people who have never been through it seek to minimise what that is like.

Having a baby isn't a fundamental human right but neither is any other aspect of physical health. It's an unfortunate genetic lottery that we may suffer from any ill health. And if you can do something to try to fix it, why wouldn't you?

Also I don't think it should be a top trumps of who has it worse. Where will you stop? What if someone has an illness caused by poor diet, are they still more worthy than someone who has infertility despite living a healthy lifestyle?

This is such a depressing thread to read, and I am shocked at how entitled some people are when it comes to other peoples money.

OP i think our natural instinct is to help out those we love and who are in need. If I had the money I would spend it in these circumstances and not dwell on the what ifs. Everyone assumes this money would eventually go to your other grandchildren but who is to say you wouldn't have spent it on house improvements or a holiday for yourself. Its your money, remember that, so do what you want with it.

For all those who say the money should be split, or that the others should be consulted... Ignore ignore ignore!

I would never EXPECT inheritance and certainly if a cousin or sibling was needing IVF I would be supporting all the way and not feeling like i was done out of an inheritance.

Equity is based on what people need, not everyone having the same.

There are people that can not conceive that despite being devastated get on and make the most of life, and there are people that can not conceive and say “it’s a living hell, it’s like dying, cancer” your making a mockery these things

I think first you should establish

1. If she wants it/could afford it herself
2. What the reason for needing it is.
3. How much it will cost. E.g prague clinics have a much higher rate of success and are nowhere near 10k so you could give her enough to cover treatment there.

Fwiw everyone i know who had ivf had a baby from it even with multiple issues.

If i were you id arrange it as a sort of loan so she pays 50 quid or whatever a month back and save that money for when the other 2 are adults. That will probably then be enough to help them with ivf if needed.

For some reason a lot of people on mn are anti ivf (presume because they like to feel special for being "clever" enough to easily conceive) ignore them!

Mumsthe, how dare you.

I've just had my 7th miscarriage the other week and you know what, I would rather be dead sometimes. I'm not making a mockery of anyone, it's how I feel. I'm on anti depressants, I'm going to counselling, I am so utterly broken that I don't see the point.

Have you been through that? Do you know how it feels or what it can do to you mentally?

So I apologise that im not very 'fun to be around' right now but I'm going through the worst thing in my life. I know that's an inconvenience for everyone else who just wishes I'd get over it already.

Head over to the mental health threads and tell them how they must be fun to be around.

Of course I know infertility isn’t the same as my colleague saving her son. My point was that you do what’s needed in the here and now. No point thinking whether the others will also need fertility treatment just like there was no point in my colleague worrying if one of her other children would also need a kidney at some point.

All this aside, the op shouldn’t even be worrying about fairness. I’m astounded at those on here who feel resentment in similar situations. It would be none of my business how a GP or indeed parent chose to spend or distribute their money. It’s theirs to do as they wish with it. It’s none of my business how they wish to spend what belongs to them.

Tread very, very carefully, Jumpyy.

Money does weird, awful things to people.

Another thing to consider is if you give her the money and it doesn’t work, is that going to add to her upset? The feeling of “wasting” a huge sum of her grandmother’s money?

I’ll be brutally honest: The earth is over-populated and natural selection being bypassed by medicine isn’t helping with that. Not everyone was meant to be a mother. That is my opinion, so there’s every chance I just don’t get the importance of it.

But - I don’t know. I can see so many ways that this could do tits up for you.

Is it worth the risk of all your other relationships? Or bad blood down the line? Or, as I said, your granddaughter having to deal with extra guilt?

If you still want to do it after considering all possibilities then go ahead! It’s your money at the end of the day!

@mumsthe, I think you're making a mockery of people struggling with the effects of infertility.

One of the pp posters who actually has been through both infertility and cancer told you that you weren't speaking for her but you're still not getting it.

Lots of people go through all sorts of physical illnesses and are able to crack on with their lives. Lots of people go through all sorts of physical illnesses and feel like their life is ruined, hopeless and so on. It's not about the illness it's about how it affects you. Which is about a lot more than what illness it is.

Not everyone was meant to be a mother

What a horrible thing to say. Referring to infertility as natural selection is disgusting.