To help one grandchild if I couldn't afford to help all the same

[Jumpyy]

One of my grandchildren is going through a horrible time with fertility issues. She's been told that IVF is probably her only option which she and her husband cannot really afford.

She is suffering badly because of this, I believe very depressed and just not in a good place.

I have some money and I would like to give it to them for the treatment.

I have 4 other grandchildren most of whom are younger and (although unlikely), I probably wouldn't be able to afford to do the same for them or give them a similar amount at the same age, if I do this now.

WWYD? I don't want to see her suffering if I can help.

@p0tat0e you see no difference between wanting a baby and a serious illness?

My MIL has NEVER treated our son fairly. I resent it to this day and haven't been in contact with her for several years now. Our son has no idea about it. It's always my BIL's children [and now grandchildren] that get everything.

I hate the idea of unfairness. I know it's her money to do with what she wants, but I don't want my nose rubbed in what my son is being excluded from. Grrrrrr

My grandparents very kindly, and unexpectedly, lent me the deposit to buy my home - I’m repaying it although my grandma would have to live to 101 for me to do so in full. Whatever is outstanding when she dies will come out of my mum’s inheritance and I’ll owe my mum instead. Everyone knows this. It is unlikely my grandma can now afford to make the same loan to any of her other (4) grandchildren - definitely not all of them. But it’s also unlikely any of them will need it, in the next ~10 years anyway. I suspect there are a couple of resentments but if so they’re held by people who are already resentful and not close iyswim (one divorced, one borderline estranged) so it hasn’t created divisions where there were none.

We’re family, we help each other. The loan/early inheritance made an enormous difference to mine and my children’s quality of life, when it was otherwise sitting around waiting for my grandparents to die. Being a homeowner enabled me to stand guarantor for my sister’s rental, meaning she could live somewhere better than otherwise. When I was on maternity leave, I was able to provide a great deal of practical care to my dying grandfather and my grieving grandmother, which would have been far harder for my relatives who were working full time to provide. It’s neither possible nor desirable to be able to measure everything and make it exactly the same in order to be ‘fair’.

Some people would say it’s easy for me to say, from the perspective of the grandchild who had the help, but I can’t imagine resenting my grandparents for helping out a cousin who needed it, to the exclusion of those who didn’t.

I can assure you it isn't about favourites or purposefully treating anyone unfairly or excluding.

I love my GC equally.

I would help her.

There has been a rift in my family over a cousin being helped with something big (think house deposit / driving / wedding) but IVF or a health issue is different. I don’t think anyone could reasonably complain.

You can even it out in your will if you wish.

I couldn’t watch someone I love go through such heartbreak knowing I was in a position to help. I don’t think it’s fair or nice of the others if they expect that of you.

Having been on the receiving end it’s very hard. My two sisters have both received substantial and ongoing monetary gifts form grandma, I have not. Whilst not entitled to anything it grinds and is not fair. But what is. It’s horrid and not pleasant for my mum either, knowing her mum treats people so wrongly.

Do you mean me mumsthe? I don’t see a difference. I see infertility as a serious and devastating, lie altering health issue.

I know that I would find it every bit as devastating as a terminal diagnosis.

Do what want, there is no right or wrong and you can’t please everyone.
Keep an eye on relationships though, I was a child everyone resented, and the adults let know me know.

knowing her mum treats people so wrongly

I don't think it's fair to say I'll be treating people 'wrongly', I'm trying to do the best for someone I love dearly. It really isn't about excluding the other GC.

If this were about a car or holiday, I'd not be thinking so long and hard about it.

As echoed by others...expect your grandchildren to fall out over it, either with each other or you. If that's OK with you then it's your money to spend as you like! Good luck

@Jumpyy
Would you be okay if you spent 10 k but resulted in no baby ?

I actually think this is a really lovely thing for your to do. I would do the same if it was my grandchild.. the money is yours to do as you see fit.

I have no idea how old you are but in saying that anything could happen at anytime but it is true... if you don't do it now then if/when anything happens to you she will possibly never get the chance to have a baby.

Hopefully the others will understand but if they don't that's not your problem it's there's.. it's one of the greatest things you could do to try and help your granddaughter have a baby x

Would you be okay if you spent 10 k but resulted in no baby

Honestly? Yes, if it was the difference between trying and not.

I think you should do it!
If this was my granny talking about one of my cousins, I would be fine with it. It’s your money, do what you want with it!

The main question is: is trying enough for your GD?

Your main concern is her mental health, and quite rightly, but will trying it address it?
People have all sorts of disappointments in life, from the less to the most serious. It is more important to address our attitudes towards those disappointments, because some disappointments just can't be fixed.

Really, sincethereis ! I don't think you can give people IVF money on the condition it works! That would be awful .

As others have said, OP, I would give £3K, which is the sum you can give tax free as a gift in a year, and is enough to go most of the way of funding an initial IVF attempt but not so much that it seems you are giving everything to one gc. I'm sure the girl's parents could chip in too if it's only a question of a couple of grand, and indeed the couple themselves should make the financial commitment. If another attempt is needed, then you can perhaps give more, but to just give a larger sum straightaway, well, you can't then ask for any back or get upset if it's not spent in the way you had intended.

I think you're a lovely grandmother to do this. I can't imagine how awful it must be to desperately want a child and be unable to conceive.

I would offer her the money privately. I certainly wouldn't consult or tell any of the other grandchildren or their parents. It's your money and your affair and really none of their business.

Id hang my head in shame if i put a £ sign over my grans head! Most normal people would too. Its your money and you can spend it how you like. If family arent happy with that then they should be appalled with themselves. You wont be doing anything wrong. FFS, its IVF. Hardly a new car or house extension or favouratism in any way shape or form. It would be a wonderful gift and chance for your GD and any decent relative would see that too without thinking 'what about me'. And frankly, its noone elses business anyway! However, to be fair, I would say that this gift would imply no monetary gift to her upon your death. That i would split evenly between the remaining grandkids.

I would 'loan' it with a very loose agreement to pay it back (probably never). The others dont need to know the ins and outs of whats being paid back (or not) they may feel better about it being a loan and less like they are missing out.

Well, that’s clearly not true. A cancer diagnosis is no where near a infertility diagnosis.

I've had a cancer diagnosis, and I've had an infertility diagnosis

Who the fuck are you to tell me I should have been more upset at cancer?

You and your GD sound lovely. It’s clear you’re desperate to alleviate her desperation, worry, disappointment, stress.

To me it’s not about favouritism or equality or fairness. It’s about how you feel seeing someone you love, so upset.

As such, I don’t think that giving GD £10,000 for one round of IVF, especially (but not just because) if you don’t have any left for other grandchildren, is foolhardy.

IVF has, if all the stars align and everything is in everyone’s favour, all throughout the process, an approximately 32% chance of resulting in a healthy birth (generalising and simplifying massively). Those odds wouldn’t be good enough for me given you can’t afford this without consequences. That means a 68% chance of spending that money and everyone ultimately being in a worse position: just as upset, poorer, even more helpless, with nothing left for the others.

Three of your grandchildren are teenagers. Who knows what the future holds. Their needs, or one of them, even 6 months from now could be far, far greater than this GD’s. Bereavement; disability; redundancy with mouths to feed. What about your own needs and care as you age?

Money isn’t the answer to this situation. You feel like it is and you want to help so very much, but money very probably won’t solve this.

In your shoes I would extend love, sympathy, understanding. I would let GD and her husband deal with the cards fate has dealt them (for now), as best they can. Many many couples struggle with infertility. Many go on to say it was a dire time but they move on and end up in a new place, content.

If need be, you can assist with counselling or therapy.

@Proseccoinamug you see not having a baby as the same as a terminal Illness? I don’t think people who actually have a terminal diagnosis would appreciate such flippancy, you can’t think of anything else to do with your life? I would guess u view everything as “what I have not got” instead of what you have got.

Id hang my head in shame if i put a £ sign over my grans head! Most normal people would too. Its your money and you can spend it how you like. If family arent happy with that then they should be appalled with themselves.

Yep.

All this talk about it not being fair and the cousins falling out over it is bizarre. Are that many people really that selfish and petty? Who could ever resent their GM trying to help her GC to conceive because they won't be getting as much money?

Sorry. I do think it would be foolhardy.

I have no idea how much my parents help my sister and she has no idea how much they help me. It never occurred me to even ask; they bought her a car and I definitely didn't get angry at her for it .

Everyone helps their family according to their resources at a specific time. If we spent our life playing the what if game we wouldn't buy a house, get married or have kids.

Give her the money OP. There is nothing sadder than all these embittered witches who write inheritance posts even before their parents or inlaws are dead (or even ill), because their brother/sister/BIL is getting slightly more money than they do.