To help one grandchild if I couldn't afford to help all the same

[Jumpyy]

One of my grandchildren is going through a horrible time with fertility issues. She's been told that IVF is probably her only option which she and her husband cannot really afford.

She is suffering badly because of this, I believe very depressed and just not in a good place.

I have some money and I would like to give it to them for the treatment.

I have 4 other grandchildren most of whom are younger and (although unlikely), I probably wouldn't be able to afford to do the same for them or give them a similar amount at the same age, if I do this now.

WWYD? I don't want to see her suffering if I can help.

It makes me sad that people would even think about objecting to this. It’s the OP’s money. She is thinking of using it to do a great kindness to someone who needs it now. She should absolutely do it if she wants to.

Stop press, mumsthe - people feel differently and are affected differently by things 🙄🙄

You are being a massive GF. But you are also insulting people who are struggling with infertility. ODFOD.

Do you realise how hideous it is to be telling someone they are not dealing with their grief correctly or that they should ‘get on and make the best of it’?

to everyone affected.

What a horrible thing to say. Referring to infertility as natural selection is disgusting.

I didn’t know how else to word it. I certainly didn’t think it was disgusting! I meant scientifically.

*not scientifically! Biologically, I suppose.

Natural selection is when organisms with favourable traits are more likely to reproduce than those who don't.

It's hardly an appropriate way to describe infertility.

@Ohkayyy I apologise to you directly, and only hope the best for you.

It's also used as a common insult like when someone does something stupid. 'Natural selection at it's finest'.

Really horrible thing for anyone going through infertility to read.

I have to agree with Cheese on the natural selection thing. A bizarre and pretty offensive way to describe it.

Even if it is your opinion, you only have to be aware of what natural selection actually means to realise it probably isn't the kindest way to describe it.

I'm one of four. My grandparents have helped us all in the past to various degrees.

Myself actually the most DH was self employed when our little boy was born very early critically ill. Hospital was 50 miles away and we were on the bones of our arse when our car broke. My gran very generously bought us one.

I have three siblings who all understood the circumstances and there was no supposedly no bad feelings.

My gran now has Alzheimer's, I care for her daily, pay for treats for her (loves a scratchcard and bit cake) do her shopping and although we will never be able to repay her fully barring a lottery win we try. To be honest I think she prefers just the company and friendship.

Only one other sibling bothers the youngest and nicest the other two don't give a shit and I've lost complete respect for the both of them.

I think it's a lovely thing to do and I imagine something your granddaughter will never forget.

I am signing off now, to anyone trying for a baby the best of luck to you, to The lady who started this post - best of luck. Good evening to you all.

I honestly couldn’t think of a more simplistic way to say it.

And I only said it to hold my hands up and admit that I don’t “get” it. I mean, I know that it’s incredibly difficult for people but I don’t fully understand the desperate need and debilitating want.

I truly didn’t mean to be goady or cruel!

An option:
Write a will gifting each of your dgc the same bequest 10k from your estate.
Offer your dgd her bequest now when she might want to use it rather than getting it after your death,

You sound like a wonderful person and I think it's a lovely idea.

Personally, I wouldn't give all the money, knowing that you wouldn't be able to help the others the same.

My EXH's Grandmother used to give EXSIL so much financial assistance, and my EX didn't get anything. The difference was, that SIL was very open about her problems. Being "poor" I.e. spending all their money on holidays/alcohol. So the grandmother helped them out financially with household renovations etc.

ExH and I used to deal with our problems ourselves and didn't complain. Even when he was made redundant, his grandmother didn't give him anything.

One granddaughter may be desperate for IVF, another may face losing the home of their existing children to redundancy in the future. Is that not just as upsetting to those involved?

Unless you are 100% sure that you could give others the same, I would make a contribution towards it, but not the whole amount. And I would put the same amount to the other grandkids now too. If you can't afford that, I wouldn't go near this financially.

Give her the money, why would the others need to know anything about it?

Like other people have said it's not about equality it's about need. I would absolutely want my siblings/cousins to inherit on this basis. I have a sister with significant ld. As such any inheritance from my parents will be weighed in her favour as she needs it more than I will as is unable to work etc. I would be gutted to think of it being any other way. Do what feels right for you.

I think you sound lovely OP.

Whilst its true that there are no certainties with ivf I'd imagine it would mean the world to your DGD to be able to at least try, and to know that her family support her and desperately want to see her become a DM too.

Perhaps you could fund initial investigations to determine where the issues lie as a starting point. Not knowing why must be awful and hopefully that will help and show what the next steps could be.

It's your money to do with as you wish Op but I do think @Lweji makes some very valid points that you should take into consideration.

A lovely thing to do but could understand why other gc would be jealous

As someone who spent £27k on 5 ivf - 2 being fet from cycle 3 so much cheaper - we saved borrowed. Did over time /extra jobs and put on credit card

Yes paying back a loan when failed is soul destroying :(

You say they can’t afford it and due to partner having a child she loses her nhs right. I was the same.

But as I said above we managed to get the money together over the years as it was something we so badly wanted

Can you not split the money between all gc and gd save /borrow the rest

Looking at maybe £7k for icsi ivf as rough ballpark

But costs can rise - drugs - imaging - glue - scratch to name a few things clinics sometimes advise

Abroad is much cheaper

Life is full of disappointments though, what may your other gc disappointments be? May these even make them depressed?

What if your dc become depressed about being in low wage jobs? (Some are incapable of earning a decent living wage for many many reasons) and they are depressed about being unable to afford decent and stable housing/ transport etc for their families. Would you be willing to give them a sum of money and allow them to gamble with it?
To take the risk or either changing their circumstances or losing it all.
Would you be happy for them to gamble the same amount of money using the same statistical probability of ivf?

This is why this situation doesn't sit well with me. It is gambling.

Well the rest of them probably get to have babies without injecting themselves daily, several “procedures” and everyone involved, so I’d say they already don’t have as much as the others. The difficulty would be if other GC need similar medical £££££s
I think that's a really simplistic way to look at it. Lots of people don't want children so wouldn't necessarily "benefit" from their fertility, however they may have something else that is the focus of their life e.g. animals, travel etc. What if a lack of money stopped them getting their heart's desire? People are driven by different things and it's hard for anyone to come to terms with not having something that they view as intrinsic to their happiness

By offering money to this grandchild for IVF, I think OP is in danger of making value judgements about her other grandchildren's lives and their priorities if she doesn't have funds available to invest in each grandchild equally. For example if you offer money for one to have a better chance of having a child but don't donate an equal amount to a donkey sanctuary that is her other grandchild's life work then that suggests that one is more worthwhile and valuable than the other. That could easily build resentment and tension in the family and ill feeling.

I could loan it I suppose but then I'd just feel terrible accepting money back from them

Give it as a loan but never ask for it back.

I’m not sure why anyone else has to know what you are doing. It’s between you and your grandchild. Don’t go down the road of telling all the rest of your family, it is none of their business.

I personally think if the other grandchildren begrudge this then they’re not very kind people. This is about more than money. My family has been in a similar situation and I do not begrudge the money one dot.

By offering money to this grandchild for IVF, I think OP is in danger of making value judgements about her other grandchildren's lives and their priorities if she doesn't have funds available to invest in each grandchild equally

Utter bollocks. Where do people come up with this nonsense. My parents gave my brother money when he left college. They did the same to my sister. They didn’t give me any partly because I got a pretty well paid job after uni and partly because they couldn’t afford to. They weren’t making a value judgement that my brothers sandwich shop job was worth supporting and mine wasn’t. They helped a child who needed it at a time when they had money to do so.