To help one grandchild if I couldn't afford to help all the same

[Jumpyy]

One of my grandchildren is going through a horrible time with fertility issues. She's been told that IVF is probably her only option which she and her husband cannot really afford.

She is suffering badly because of this, I believe very depressed and just not in a good place.

I have some money and I would like to give it to them for the treatment.

I have 4 other grandchildren most of whom are younger and (although unlikely), I probably wouldn't be able to afford to do the same for them or give them a similar amount at the same age, if I do this now.

WWYD? I don't want to see her suffering if I can help.

For some people infertility is akin to a cancer diagnosis. It's a medical situation and therefore it is totally fair imho if you help your grand daughter just now while she needs.

I personally would not treat my grand children differently, and I personally would not spend thousands on IVF.

Having gone through similar, has she had all the test, a lapaoscopy for endometriosis etc, clomid. All the steps a genuinely reputable gynae would go through first before going down the IVF route? Because if there's even a chance of scarring or endo that needs sorting first before any implant attempts takes place. I say this as the first dr I saw straight away said yup IVF no guarantee but your only chance. I saw another that was recommended and he did a laparoscopy and identified stage 4 endo, i then had further surgery to clear me out and was given a window to do the deed for best attempt. If that didn't work, 8 weeks later I won't start clomid. I now have two children without IVF which had I followed the first person probably would have been in vain.

I wouldn’t.

You don’t know if ur other grandchildren have infertility issues too.

You don’t have her medicinal records to see the chances of IVF working.

IVF success rates are so low you could literally be throwing your money away.

@Iggypoppir

Well, that’s clearly not true. A cancer diagnosis is no where near a infertility diagnosis.

For some people infertility is akin to a cancer diagnosis.

But it's not. You're much more likely to die to cancer, and probably in pain, than you are to die from infertility! If it's a toss up between the two, I'd rather spend my £££ on cancer treatment.

I wouldn't mind in the slightest if my gran did this for my cousins, i think it's a lovely gift to give her. On a much smaller scale, my gran once gave me some money towards therapy when I was having a tough time mentally and financially. My brother was told about it up front and he wasn't at all resentful and felt it was a nice thing to do. It's lovely that you want to do this for your granddaughter.

I had a friend who obsessed over IVF, spent thousands, still no baby and now lots of debt! It can be a slippery slope.

What a beautiful gift to give someone OP. There are ofcourse no guarantees but what you would be giving your granddaughter is the gift of hope.
I'm sure she is adult enough to know that it may not happen for her, but just to open the doors to the opportunity is amazing.

Worst case scenario and it's not meant to be - having had the opportunity to try and fail rather than never know what could have been, just because of financial restrictions, would maybe help her come to terms with it at a later date rather than always wonder.

@Winedayfriday how much would you spend on IVF? Just out of curiosity?

Personally, I would loan her the money with an easy repayment scheme. This is how our family deal with financial emergencies/dilemmas.

I think it’s absolutely fine to give different amounts of money to different family members. My own parents totally bank roll 2 of my 5 siblings and give a lot to a 3rd. The 3 of us who get no financial help are just rather glad we don’t need it!

As to the IVF... I would want to assess the chances of success. Research clinics. My clinic had a 50% success rate for my “group”: 30-35, no auto-immune factors identified, no genetic issues and no recurrent miscarriages. My treatment was £5K though it was a few years ago. I don’t see why it would be £10K now?

I wouldn’t lend the money until all other options were investigated - has she had an HSG, have they tried Clomid, etc.

I would also be expecting them to be proactive too. I agree that lump sums are hard to find but it’s a fact that having children costs money. So they could be saving that money now. I had a friend who “couldn’t afford” IVF, but had a £20K car. If they’re not prepared to commit their own money - be careful before you commit your own.

How old is she, how long have they been trying, and what have they done so far?

Mumsthe - honestly? No idea. I totally understand what you are saying though about it being a slippery slope.
But if couldn't afford any treatment and my gran offered me one shot, I'd take it. Obviously on the understanding that she was gifting them money and could only afford to do so for 1 round.

Any large gifts of money over £3,000 per year may be subject to tax for the recipient if you die within 7 years, so I would use that as a starting point.

Hopefully you won't die within 7 years, of course! But it is worth considering.

So, I'd say I was willing to gift £3,000 to your GD, string-free. Then you can (hopefully) also be in the position to do the same for your other GC. I might consider also gifting the £3,000 at the same time to the other eldest GC if I could afford to, so that you are being transparent. The ones in high school are currently too young for this anyway.

Then if you want to help further over and above a £3K gift, I would offer to loan them more money on a repayment basis (and explain this is because you want to be able to treat the other GC with a gift of £3K in due course.)

Could you afford that? £6K in gifts now to 2 GC, and future gifts of £9K to 3 GC, and whatever else you decide to contribute as a loan?

@Cranstonmanor

You asked if the extended family had considered chipping in and paying for the needed IVF ourselves, passively aggressively implying that we were all just wringing our hands over the tragedy and doing nothing to help.

We have helped in a myriad of ways, including financial, which has itself caused further tensions among other grandchildren and a breaking down of relationships. But the problem stem from the initial gift, and when dealing with something as emotional as fertility, almost no decision is entirely right or entirely wrong.

@Jumpyy if you are in a position and want to help her then you absolutely should. She’s lucky to have such a kind and caring grandmother.

The argument of 'if you can't afford IVF you can't afford a child' is flawed unless you make all pregnant woman pay a £5k lump sum on getting pregnant.

They may not even need all the money, but some towards it can feel such a relief as it can seen daunting. The price varies so much depending on treatment and clinic and also the cause of the infertility (whether it is her side, his side, both or unknown). Even that is not going to make a difference - if you want to be a mum you will want it regardless and it is such a hard thing to want but not be able to have, when it should be a basic ability.

Maybe feel out with her about the treatment. Do they need to have IVF, or is insemination an option, which clinic is it and what cost is she looking at (some love to bulk up the extras with no basis). Then make a decision on how much you want to contribute, if at all, towards it. You do not have to pay for all.

I had a lite cycle for my first (which sadly didn't work) and that was £3,500 inc meds. My new cycle (as my clinic do a discount for a second cycle) is about £3,300 inc meds. ABC in London, if you qualify is I believe less than £2,000. It does not have to be the horrific figures that everyone spouts.

It's your money and you are free to do with it what you want. The other Grandchildren don't need to know if you give it to this one. You can ask her to not say where the money came from. She can fib and say they got a loan/re-mortgaged their home/won the lottery. Anything. It's not anyone else's business anyway.

Have a chat to your Granddaughter and see if it's something she would accept your help with, and formulate a plan together.

You can play the 'what if' game all day long. What if you other GC is infertile? What if one needs money for something else serious? I don't think you can live life that way.

I would not be concerned about fairness either. If my hypothetical GC had a problem with this I would be upset with them. It's really not their business how you spend your money and it would be really mean natured if they resented their cousin because you paid for her to have IVF.

I can't believe a poster asked if she can afford a child if she can't afford IVF. I didn't need thousands of pounds lump sum when I was pregnant.

It is my decision how I would spend my money. And I would never favour one grandchild over another, same as I would not treat one of my children better than the other.

What about giving them something towards it, say £3 or 4K and offering to act as a guarantor for a loan for the rest?

Wow what a lot of rubbish being written in here.

It's your money and your choice what to do with it, no one is entitled to it. I totally understand that you want to be fair to your GC but you aren't talking about a wedding or holiday or something that isn't life changing.

I wonder with all the negative posters what they'd advise if your granddaughter had a serious illness and there was a revolutionary treatment (not guaranteed success but reasonable odds) that the NHS wouldn't fund? Would they say no let the person suffer because what if one of your other GC has a theoretical illness or problem in ten, twenty years or whatever. Who knows what any of your financial situations would be in the future or what treatments might be needed or available. What if you decide not to give your GD the money and then your younger GC grow up having lots of babies and no health problems and you look back and think if only I could've helped this one? Thing is you don't have a crystal ball so all this what iffing is pretty pointless. The future could have all sorts of permutations. All you can do is make a decision based on the facts as you see them now.

Also for everyone going on about IVF stats the stats aren't that low for successful ivf treatment over multiple rounds actually.

I wonder how many people dismissing the ivf aspect of this have been through ivf themselves or not been able to have a baby? A wee jolly abroad or some counselling are not going to change how she feels right now if she hasn't exhausted all options for purely financial reasons.

Honestly some of the comments are totally clueless and thoroughly insulting.

@p0tat0e

You are comparing a serious illness to infertility ?!

I would then as you say everything has been tried and she will hopefully begin to move forward.
I am always gogsmacked that so many people feel entitled to money from parents and grsndparents especially when if you give to one you have to give the same to everyone.
Gift them the money but ask them not to say you gave it as you can't give to others.

I wouldn't.

But that is my opinion as it is too much of a gamble.

However is it is true and clinics offer money back if it is unsuccessful then I would consider it. On the condition that they pay you back, they should be happy to do this if they get a baby! Unless of course they would be having financial difficulties due to having a baby raising a family increases financial pressure!

Not a simple situation at all, so to be honest I would just stay out of it. As a grandmother you are not as closely involved as her parents Soi don't think you would ever be expected to help.