To help one grandchild if I couldn't afford to help all the same

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One of my grandchildren is going through a horrible time with fertility issues. She's been told that IVF is probably her only option which she and her husband cannot really afford.

She is suffering badly because of this, I believe very depressed and just not in a good place.

I have some money and I would like to give it to them for the treatment.

I have 4 other grandchildren most of whom are younger and (although unlikely), I probably wouldn't be able to afford to do the same for them or give them a similar amount at the same age, if I do this now.

WWYD? I don't want to see her suffering if I can help.

Although this is not an illness as such.The fact that it is causing distress to your GC ,means that if you have the money I would let them have it now TBH. The others are not in need of anything at the moment.So if and when the time comes ,you may need to reassess then.If you dont let her have the money, and she has little chance of conceiving without it ,then the others become pregnant eventually ,she will feel even worse .And you in turn will feel guilty about it!

I would do it, if your other grandchildren feel resentment then I would say they didn't deserve money then.

lots of others have have probably said the same, but if my sibling or cousin needed fertility treatment, i would be so sad for them. i would also be so glad if our grandparent could help them with the cost and would be sad if i found that they didnt help financially just because they thought i might be upset about not getting money too.

It is a lovely and kind offer and I can’t see that in the short-term any of the others should be resentful. The challenge might be if something serious happens to one of the others later and you’re not in a position to help. You can’t live your life on what ifs but you do need to think through how you’d feel if you had helped one grandchild with infertility treatment and not another if they needed it.

I would do it. I wouldn't hold back for a "what if" the other GC have a similarly important need. What if they don't and the GC in question ends up unhappily childless. If I had the money to help now, I would.

I would work out beforehand how much you are willing to spend maximum, and be clear on this. It would be tempting to pay for one more round, one more treatment.... You don't want to end up spending far more than you intend.

Ignore all the unethical crap and it’s not a medical condition. I am someone talking WITH fertility issues.

It IS a medical condition, a function of a persons body is not working properly and treatment should be more fair across the country and not a post code lottery. I got my P60 and between my husband and I paid plenty of tax to cover treatment several times over.

But that said unfortunately they do not qualify. We did and had one treatment but did not work so we face paying which we have decided not to pursue due to the cost.

While we found out last year we needed IVF my DSis in law marriage broke down and my DH parents gifted her £10k as she needed it as faced being in a bad situation with kids.

This has meant they can’t help us and we have absolutely NO resentment towards them. My DSis in laws situation is where the money was needed.

It’s your money so your choice - if they are under 35 advise looking at ABC clinic in London and egg sharing as will dramatically cut the costs.

Good luck to them- those that can have children will never grasp the reality of what it’s like to physically not do the thing your body is biologically made to do.

I am fine, I have an amazing husband and we will be fine but if you have the opportunity to help someone I think it’s lovely to do as many fall apart at not being able to have children.

The NHS may be able to help with one round of IVF treatment (there are guidelines though). Personally I think it's your money to choose what you do with it. Also you don't have to tell everyone that you've helped them financially, you could keep it between yourselves. However, trying to always see the bright side and good in people, I like to think your other grandchildren would understand. I've been blessed with 2 children but I've seen friends and family struggle

This is very difficult. You mention that you have the money, but could not afford to give equal to the others. My concern is not for her, but for you. Have you planned adequately for retirement? Will this money be essential for your health and well being? I know that is not your question, but would be my concern.

As for the money, there is no easy solution. If you decide to do it, I would suggest being open but suspect you may open a can of worms.

Do they have an infertility diagnosis such as pcos or endo? Dh and I chose to adopt but we started saving by putting away money each month we would be spending on a child like someone above said.
I have endo so the chances were quite low even after my surgery. What things have they already done?

This is such a special thing to do.I would do it within a heart beat.
Im just sort of concerned about this self entitlement issue why should people depend or expect windfalls. You can do what ever you please in your will
Its your money do what you like with it

It's your money so do as you please with it.

You can always redress the balance later, just discuss it openly so everyone is aware.

Keep a certain number of cycles in mind and don't go over it as it can turn into an obsession that could bankrupt you.

When you discuss it with the family make it clear you are informing them of your decision not asking for their permission.

Just be prepared that if it fails she could spiral further into depression so you will need an emotional fail safe for that.

I would recommend 1 cycle, that way you've tried but you're not over favouritising her.

Your other family members may feel left out but truthfully, if they are the kind of people that would begrudge their sibling a round of IVF they are clearly bad apples.

My aunt had 13 rounds of IVF with no success and it nearly destroyed her: she suffered from hyper stimulation, ended up in hospital with an excruciatingly distended abdomen and the drugs messed with her so bad she stabbed her DH (!).... IVF is a minefield so beware.

Can you offer half and they match it?
Even if they have to take on additional work or sell things to make it.
That feels better to me.

It shows their own commitment and means to aren’t handing the such a massive amount

She can also investigate egg donation etc

Is she sure IVF is her only option? Would IUI help and are there their factors she has been advised to look at like weight loss?

If money from you will be their only shot and she needs to maximise the chance of it working.

It's your money and you are free to spend it as you wish.

If you were to die it would be fair to divide your money out equally. However whilst you are still alive it is your money and you absolutely can spend it as you choose.

I understand the thinking behind this, but I just don't agree with it. Inheritance is not an entitlement. You must be allowed to spend or gift your money as you see fit. It's your money.

Presumably if you wanted to take a cruise your GC wouldn't object to that, but that's not how you want to spend it.

You absolutely don't have to tell your other GC if you think they'll think it's unfair. It's actually none of their business.

I’ve only skimmed the thread. Has it been suggested that you could offer to meet some of the costs say £5k worth then you GD and her DH could find the rest through extending their mortgage or taking out a loan? That way you’re helping but you’re also giving your GD some control and the chance to help too. Perhaps both sets of parents could also help.

can you do it as an interest free loan?

Canvassing opinion suggests that you're not sure that you should do this. I think this action will breed resentment whether within the family - secret or not, whether from your DC or GDC.

Of course, you are free to do what you like with your money but be prepared that it might well fracture family relations.

What is more important? Helping out one much loved GC or potentially hurting many others and causing strained relationships. There will be resentment....whether you perceive it to be unreasonable or not. Is that worth it? Having witnessed more extreme favouritism on DH's side of the family (with no disability/disadvantage as justification), I wouldn't do it.

Personally, if I was in the position to help any of my children/stepchildren/grandchildren if they found themselves in this position, then I would do it in a heartbeat. There is no guarantee in life - no guarantee the IVF would work, that any of your other grandchildren won’t need help later, that you will be around to see any resulting great-grandchild (bit morbid there - sorry!) but what I mean is life is short, you have the means and the wherewithal to help - so grab that chance with both hands!! At the end of the day, money is a divisive issue and people will always fall out over it. It’s your money, it’s your decision and yours alone

I am not sure anyone needs to know tbh. It is your money and would be between you and her. My infertility made me so desperate I even contemplated suicide (I have three children now and count my blessings daily). You sound like a wonderful grandparent. Help the one you can help now. No one knows what the future holds.

Both of my children assume they will help the other if something happens to us.

Meaning. Helping the one who needs it now could pass on help to the others in some way?

Follow your heart.

Help them out but with an informal proviso that they try their best to hello out any of the other cousins if they ever found themselves in the same situation.

I would do it. If you have the opportunity to help her, and you want to help her, then do. If the other GCs need financial help in the same way in the future, then you and the rest of the family will have to see what help can be given at that point. All these ‘what ifs’ are pointless; we never know what will happen and if you can and want to do something right now then do. What if the other GCs never needed financial help similar to this? Then you’d be sitting on the money and wishing you could have helped this GC at the time.
I am lucky to have had a child but am struggling to have another. After 3 miscarriages I am devastated; I carry such a grief around that I don’t know what to do with. But at least I have a child and I have hope I can have another. To be running out of hope, trying to cope with the devastation, seeing everyone else have children around you, to be physically aching and emotionally longing for a child and not being able to produce one, I can see how it could almost destroy someone. My friend has been going through rounds of unsuccessful ivf and it has broken her, but it’s worth doing to her as it has a chance of success and she has no regrets even though she is coming to the end. If I came into money I would give her some of it straight away even just to help her with the debts she is facing. Infertility issues are devastating and if a round of ivf might work, then it’s worth a try.
And no-one would surely resent a cousin or sibling being helped in this way? Surely the other GC would be upset if they knew she wasn’t helped because of a ‘what if’ about them. If they later have fertility issues too then I’m sure the family, you included, would do what you could for them at the time. But they might never need it.
I think maybe you work out how much you want to offer and talk to your GC, see how you can help and what is needed. If you think it might breed resentment later with the others then maybe talk to your children / GC to explain or do what you can to limit the resentment. However not helping her out if she needs it because of the others would be sad. And it’s your money, spend it how you want. Good luck xx

This is a really tough one.

Personally I wouldn’t do it- although I can completely understand why you want to.

If you had one GC then fair enough but unless each of your other GC already hand children and are not in any financial difficulty then it’s quite unfair and likely to breed a bit of resentment / feeling as though you favour the other GC.

Children are a wonderful gift, but in our economy (where it’s so hard to get by and get on the property ladder...etc) GP help can be very much sought after, they are a priveledge not a ‘right’. If your GC and their DP aren’t eligible on the NHS I would think carefully about using your limited resources.

What if another of your GC suffers infertility?
What if another suffers severe financial hardship?
Do you really think (no matter how much they ‘understand’) that they won’t feel it’s ectremely unfair?

Also you should consider what happens if the IVF round is unsuccessful. Then nobody has gained anything and all of your money has gone.

I totally understand ‘your money your choice’ but I personally I would keep things equal between DC/DGC.

Maybe take the £10k you would have spent and split it between them. That way GC has a head start towards saving for IVF.

I think it’s a very kind gesture and you should do it.

I think lending it would be better option, i think any money you give to your grandchildren needs to be equal

I don't think you should fund the ivf, at least not yet.
You've mentioned her depression and "not wanting to live anymore".
IVF does not fix depression or suicidal thoughts.
A baby does not fix depression or suicidal thoughts.
Again failed IVF does not fix depression and suicidal thoughts.
These are issues that need to be addressed before the infertility issues.
Right now her mental health is more important than whether or not she wants a baby.
You could however say you want to help her to get the IVF but for right now she needs to focus on her mental health.
If she is "not wanting to live" already then what if she goes through IVF and it fails? And she cant afford to do it again? What about all the other general complications or risks to both her and a baby? How would she cope then?

For now she should be focusing on her health. But explaining that it's not a never but that you will help later is better.