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AIBU?

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Original poster

To help one grandchild if I couldn't afford to help all the same

405 replies

Jumpyy · 30/05/2019 08:05

One of my grandchildren is going through a horrible time with fertility issues. She's been told that IVF is probably her only option which she and her husband cannot really afford.

She is suffering badly because of this, I believe very depressed and just not in a good place.

I have some money and I would like to give it to them for the treatment.

I have 4 other grandchildren most of whom are younger and (although unlikely), I probably wouldn't be able to afford to do the same for them or give them a similar amount at the same age, if I do this now.

WWYD? I don't want to see her suffering if I can help.

OP posts:
IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 02/06/2019 09:14

What are they doing themselves to fund the ivf? It's a very relevant question. Are they working second jobs, doing overtime etc as it's something they really want or are they just hoping someone else will fund it?

pinkstripeycat · 02/06/2019 09:18

I had reoccurring miscarriages due to a blood clotting condition. It took 5yrs to conceive DS1 and £14k on fertility treatment. It wasn’t available on the NHS back then so wasn’t even an option. We would have remortgaged our house to have a baby if it had come to it! Unless you have been in that position of so desperately wanting a child you wouldn’t understand. Step children are not a substitute if you cannot conceive, if anything your partner already having their own child makes you feel worse and more of a failure. If OP can help her GD I think it’s a wonderful gift

GoldenBee · 02/06/2019 10:02

I suppose it depends how the GC were raised. If the GC/siblings were raised being 'compensated' on the others birthdays etc as some families operate then it might be problematic but if they were raised to always support and encourage each other's happiness then the other GC should be pleased that there is a way the GC can be helped in a time of need irrelevant of whether or not that pot of cash is used up.

BrokenWing · 02/06/2019 10:23

How much have they saved for IVF so far? If they are serious about it and have tried to raise the money I would help with a couple of grand. £10k is too much.

If you cannot easily replenish your savings what do you do when you need a new boiler, roof etc?

CoffeeDeprivation · 02/06/2019 10:41

I'd gif it. If the GDD has openly discussed this with everyone, I would meet them all and discuss this in terms of health treatment and an (interest free) loan, not "generous gift", and how you hope no one needs any health treatment in the future but that the cross will have to be crossed then. Speculating now is all just what it's.
Your GDD could agree to give you back the money in X years. This money could be then kept for any other emergency in the family if needed.
If the treatment is successful, she will have lots of costs so you can lower the payments or increase the term. If the treatment is not successful, you can if you wish "have a break" in loan payments until they have recovered. This can be a few years or effectively can put off the payment completely and it will be the same as a gift eventually.
If the terms at the start are that is a loan for health benefits, I think there's little room for begrudging?

For some saying that they live away and Grandparents have more money to so and so, that's probably also because so and so spend more time with them. I live far from my grandparents and they probably gift my other cousins money, I'm sure they have helped in the deposit of a house. But they are there every week, giving lifts, calling over the phone, giving them company, making them feel included and important. I'm miles away sending a message occasionally for birthdays and Christmas. I would be very surprised if they were to gift me anything to be honest, and we are not NC neither we have a bad relationship. We just don't see each other because of distance and the communication has slowly died out.

Deminism · 02/06/2019 11:19

I am really shocked by the reactions of people here begrudging the money being gifted. It would be a wonderful gift that has potential to bring untold happiness.

Inheritance is not a right and if the cousins were to be upset over not getting the same amount of money then I wouldn’t leave them anything.

As I said upthread, infertility made me
consider suicide. The pain of it is horrendous. You wouldn’t just be potentially helping create life, you might be saving one too.

IvanaPee · 02/06/2019 13:15

You wouldn’t just be potentially helping create life, you might be saving one too.

That’s a really manipulative thing to say to someone who hasn’t decided what she’s going to do yet!

Advicewouldbelovelyta · 02/06/2019 13:54

I agree with ivanapee.
By the pp logic then if it fails and she goes through with her suicidal ideas would that mean op paid for that to?

BrokenWing · 02/06/2019 14:15

You wouldn’t just be potentially helping create life, you might be saving one too.

Agree with pp, that is emotionally manipulating. Going by that logic the op would be better not paying for IVF which is not guaranteed, and failure will cause further distress. She would be better paying for counselling instead.

sausagepastapot · 02/06/2019 14:34

I'm really shocked at people who think you should give all GCs the same amount. Seriously, its your money, you don't owe anyone anything. Do what you want with it and not one of your GC have a right to have any feelings about it!

HSKNT · 02/06/2019 14:50

I'd be heartbroken if my family member didn't want to gift money for IVF in case I saw it as unjust.

starzig · 02/06/2019 14:56

If they can't afford IVF, they would really be struggling to bring up a child. It is an indication they are in no financial position to bring a child into the world. Although you are well meaning, it is a very bad idea.

milkshak3 · 02/06/2019 15:42

star, seriously? I am bringing up 2 DC which I can afford (we get child benefit right now, nothing else) but I wouldn't have had £££ for IVF.

in essence, you are saying children should be the privilege of the very wealthy.

GibbonLover · 02/06/2019 15:45

FWIW, I think Ivana makes a very good point. I certainly wasn't meant to be a mother.

Lweji is right too - what has anyone done to help her process her infertility? Why is she so convinced that she cannot live without a child? Because the amount of childfree-by-choice women out there suggests that the biological clock isn't all it's cracked up to be.

I have a 'biological and innate' longing myself - I long for my rheumatoid arthritis to be under control. I'd say wanting decent health is an innate thing. It might never happen. I can't sit here and feel suicidal over that, I must develop coping strategies. I must accept that I'll probably never be pain-free and ensure the life I do have is as happy as possible.

I suppose what I'm trying to say is that whilst wanting to pay for IVF is a kind and honourable thing, there's a significant chance it won't work. What then? She'll be in an even worse position if she hasn't taken any kind of steps towards acceptance.

IvanaPee · 02/06/2019 16:08

@GibbonLover I hope if OP comes back she listens to you. Flowers

RainbowPanda · 02/06/2019 16:12

I have a 'biological and innate' longing myself - I long for my rheumatoid arthritis to be under control. I'd say wanting decent health is an innate thing. It might never happen. I can't sit here and feel suicidal over that, I must develop coping strategies. I must accept that I'll probably never be pain-free and ensure the life I do have is as happy as possible

If there was a treatment available that would give you a chance to become pain free and you had the opportunity to take it, would you try?

GibbonLover · 02/06/2019 16:27

If there was a treatment available that would give you a chance to become pain free and you had the opportunity to take it, would you try?

Good question but I'd need to know the following before I made a decision:

How much would it cost?
What is the success rate?
What does this treatment entail?
What are the physical and psychological side effects of this treatment?
What does undergoing this treatment mean for those around me?
What's my plan if the treatment fails?

I know this question is meant to be some sort of trap but the fact is, there are so many variables at stake. If undergoing this treatment has the potential to leave me in a worse position than before, I might decline.

GibbonLover · 02/06/2019 16:27

And thanks Ivana

Amara123 · 02/06/2019 17:48

But it's really unlikely you would be in a worse position afterwards. There are no long term adverse effects of IVF and complications are thankfully very rare.
There are miniscule chances of pregnancy without treatment.
There could be as much as a 35% chance of pregnancy per cycle with around 70% of all couples undergoing IVF eventually taking home a baby.

Mamabear12 · 02/06/2019 17:52

Tbh I wouldn’t. If they can’t afford IVF, how will they be able to afford to raise a child? Also, IVF has a small chance at working. It would be better for them to sort themselves out financially and get things in order.

Ginger1982 · 02/06/2019 18:13

@Mamabear12 and @starzig don't be silly. Being able to afford to support a child long term is totally different to being able to magic up £10k just like that in one go.

Ginger1982 · 02/06/2019 18:15

@GibbonLover so you don't have children then? If not, then I can absolutely respect what you're saying. It's good to hear from people who don't have kids saying that life can be full without them rather than from people who do have them.

Gth1234 · 02/06/2019 18:48

it's up to you. The other GC don't need to know, but even if they do, they shouldn't object.

Mind you, I also think people should be able to come to terms with being childless. It isn't the worst thing that could happen.

starzig · 02/06/2019 19:02

Yes ginger. You need to conjure that up EVERY year for the next (at least) 18yrs.
Even more if the child is born with health problems or if it is a multiple birth.

Ginger1982 · 02/06/2019 19:12

@starzig yes I get that, I have a child, but not all in one lump sum! And as someone else pointed out, that's like saying only the wealthy should have kids.