To help one grandchild if I couldn't afford to help all the same

[Jumpyy]

One of my grandchildren is going through a horrible time with fertility issues. She's been told that IVF is probably her only option which she and her husband cannot really afford.

She is suffering badly because of this, I believe very depressed and just not in a good place.

I have some money and I would like to give it to them for the treatment.

I have 4 other grandchildren most of whom are younger and (although unlikely), I probably wouldn't be able to afford to do the same for them or give them a similar amount at the same age, if I do this now.

WWYD? I don't want to see her suffering if I can help.

Hi OP
I can imagine this situation is probably very hard for you and your DC and its really great that you want to help her.

I'm my humble opinion there are the following points;

1. Your GC is suffering immensely now because of this. 8 know you said better to try than not but if the IVF is unsuccessful then how would she feel at that point? Her mental health is probably fragile so if you do decide to go ahead you should be supportive but not build her hopes because it's a harder fall.
2. I would involve the other GC because it is better to be open and honest about it all.
3. I understand that she must be feeling awful, how is her husband feeling/coping with this? He may not feel.comfortable about being given large sums of cash bexuase he might be worried it will cause issues. Have you any indication if he would be okay with this also?

To the people who seem to be pointing out the concept of natural selection they should think about how lucky they are not to be in this position. It is a horrible situation and I feel very keenly towards your GC who did not choose this for herself. Should they have been born with a medical condition so emotionally harmful should the NHS deprive them stating natural selection as a reason. Somehow I think if it was you you'd be complaining. Have a bit of compassion!!!

Go with your heart OP, because your involved in this and you can see and feel how the situation is and you will have to live with it.

Good luck x

The decision is definitely yours. I wouldn't favour one over the other personally unless it was life threatening. Nature does what it does and what if another grandchild develops some illness that a helping hand financially could cure, how will you feel than having helped one with a problem and not the other.

@IvanaPee do you have kids?

I think it’s a lovely thing to do OP. Of course it might not work but it’s worth a shot!

I personally would have no issue if my parents/grandparents paid for something like this. In fact, my duster had a huge loan off my parents to pay off debt. My brother had borrowed money for his house deposit. All interest free. I’ve never borrowed anything from them. In fact, I have learnt my parents money to buy a car before when their loan was taking too long to come through. Do I mind? No. My circumstances are different.

Duster? Sister!

@Ginger1982 yes, I do. And I’ve lost some, too.

Again I’ll reiterate;

You might add to her distress if she “wastes” the money.

And as PP has said; if she’s unwell enough to feel suicidal then I’d caution against it even more. IVF attempts won’t make her magically better if she’s suicidal and both she and an innocent child could suffer in the event of a pregnancy whilst she’s so mentally unwell!

@IvanaPee and did you manage to have your children naturally? If so, it beggars believe that you could be so callous as to say that someone like me, who has had successful IVF, should just have taken the view that nature didn't intend for me to be a mother. Maybe you think my son shouldn't be here either.

Ginger, don’t me-rail the thread. I’ve already said, in my very first post, that I don’t get the all-consuming need and want to procreate.

What more do you want me to say? How utterly ridiculous to make it all about you and say I think your son shouldn’t be here. 🙄

@IvanaPee I'm not making it all about me, how laughable. I'm calling you out on saying that the OP's granddaughter should possibly just accept that nature didn't intend for her to be a mother which is all good and well coming from someone who has had their own children naturally, though I am sorry for your losses.

OP, a family member gifted us money for IVF and I have DS as a result. I am eternally grateful for that. If you do it, it will be an amazing gift but I can understand your concerns regarding others. Perhaps you could gift some money and she could make up the rest.

Well what is it you’d like me to say? I won’t take it back. It’s what I think.

I had four consecutive miscarriages before I had my children. Then I had a child, then three more miscarriages.

I’ve always believed that motherhood isn’t for everyone. Even when I had loss after loss.

It’s what I think. I do think it’s “natural selection” in the simplest of terms. I think the earth is overpopulated and completely fucked. I think that’s partially because medicine has enabled people to have children when nature didn’t intend for it to happen.

I love my dc. Would lay down my life for my dc. But I would have lived a happy life childless, too.

I certainly don’t think that pregnancy is a cure for suicidal thoughts.

Interesting view considering all the kids in care from parents who don’t give a shit!

You could switch it and say the ones that have to battle the hardest are likely to be more loving parents!

Of course people that have issues don’t say that about people who can have them naturally as it’s a disgusting thing to say!

People who have IVF have counselling and help and support through it. Considering your many miscarriages why did you keep trying even after your DC?

Clearly because you wanted to be a parent!

Just let the OP do what she wants and don’t make her feel crap.

Also when having fertility treatment you get counselling and support through the whole process. A lot more than people who get pregnant naturally.

I am someone who has accepted I won’t have children btw.

I didn’t keep trying.

Two were from rape and one was an accident!

Anyway, I’m not trying to make the OP feel bad. I’m saying that if her gc is feeling suicidal, it would be foolish to think IVF will magically fix her mental health.

I’m also telling her to be careful because she could potentially add to her GC’s trauma if they accept the money and it fails.

They won’t let her go through with the IVF if she is not of sound mental state it’s part of the process- you can’t comment on something you have no knowledge about!

Your accident was far less planned and prepared for mentally than someone having IVF!

Her having the one shot, the counselling, the support may help. For me I did the one NHS go and that’s helped me come to terms with it not going to happen for us so we will stop.

The girl should get the chance!

Honestly I think it's very easy to sit and talk about 'natural selection' (nasty way to put it by the way) or how overpopulated the Earth is, when you're not actually the person going through it and you have a child.

I'll also take 'id have been perfectly happy childless' with a pinch of salt from someone who isn't childless...

I understand the point about mental health and she is seeking help with that through counselling.

@Jumpyy I agree.

My grandparents did this for my sister, it's a beautiful gift. It doesn't matter to the others, they don't need it for ivf now and she does. Being equal means if one of the others needed it NOW you'd do the same for them, not in the future when you're circumstances have changed or for something different. Imagine not offering the money for I feel just because you may need to fund another grandchild's deposit or gap year they are not comparable

For ivf not I feel

When I was young and hadn't met a man I wanted to have children with, I used to think I'd cope and be happy enough without children. I thought perhaps I might foster or adopt. Then I got a little older and found that having my own child was something I desperately wanted, though I still had to wait a little while to meet DH (I was still determined to have the right man, not just any man). If you've had a child, you've no idea how you would feel as the years whirled past without one. We were lucky to have DS without intervention nor complication, but it isn't hard to empathise with a young woman who can't. She's depressed because this isn't how she saw her life going; at least give her a chance to know she tried everything.

Funnily enough I think the people who are saying not to give your GD money because it would cause descent between all the GC are the ones who I have a feeling would be the ones causing upset if they found out someone in need got something they didn't. It says more about them than you

OP I think its a lovely thing to offer your GC. I would offer it and say nothing to anyone else unless they asked you straight out. Its no ones business what you do with your own money and you are happy to offer it and aren't under duress to provide it. Who knows what the future holds. Its not treating all the GC unfavourably, sometimes people need different things. My mum has 5 gc with another on the way, one may get a bit more than the other but its because of a need. One of my dn's has parents who arent together, was homeless and a parent had serious mental health difficulties. They get a bit more than say my kids do money and time wise but there is a reason and a need there and I fully support it, my SIL does not and calls them the "golden child" , shes a bitch plain and simple, it says more about her than the child or my mum. Do your nice thing and I bet your other GC will understand and support you x

Do you want to reinforce to her the idea that having a child is the be it all in life?

There's a huge difference between wanting children and being desperate for children.
Wanting childten means that if it doesn't happen, you may not be the happiest person alive, but you don't feel your life is ruined.
Being desperate for children to the point of feeling your life is ruined and wanting to spend money you don't have to have one, though, is not healthy.
Unfortunately, it's something that's reinforced by society and relatives.
If you give her money you barely seem to afford to give, you'll be reinforcing it.

What have you done so far to minimise the impact of not having children for her? Or do you all sit around her feeling very sad for her?
Is any of you actually helping her deal with the problem?

I'll also take 'id have been perfectly happy childless' with a pinch of salt from someone who isn't childless...

Unless they can tell you that they thought they were not going to have children and had decided not to have IVF and were still managing to be happy.
DS was a wonderful addition to my life and a wonderful surprise. At the time I had pretty much made peace with myself that it wouldn't happen.
So, I know that if I didn't have him it wouldn't be doom and gloom for me.

I understand that different people feel differently, but I'd definitely urge every woman not to feel that they're only fulfilled in life if they have children.

My DHs cousin was given money by his grandma to pay for ivf. No one in the family has begrudged this at all and everyone was overjoyed that they were able to have a child this way after their struggles.
My DH and I have since had fertility issues but did not and would not expect for his grandma to give us any money for ivf also. It is just one of those things that at the time she helped who she was able to. IMO it would be silly to not help someone just in case year’s in the future one of the other grandchildren also needed ivf.