To help one grandchild if I couldn't afford to help all the same

[Jumpyy]

One of my grandchildren is going through a horrible time with fertility issues. She's been told that IVF is probably her only option which she and her husband cannot really afford.

She is suffering badly because of this, I believe very depressed and just not in a good place.

I have some money and I would like to give it to them for the treatment.

I have 4 other grandchildren most of whom are younger and (although unlikely), I probably wouldn't be able to afford to do the same for them or give them a similar amount at the same age, if I do this now.

WWYD? I don't want to see her suffering if I can help.

Foxmuffin did you read pp experience of this? GM funded ivf for one gd and she had a baby but the younger gd also needed ivf and cannot get funding for it. It's ripped the family apart because gd2 is grieving and resentful, views the baby as what she wont have. It's not so simplistic as in that situation gd2 is probably wondering 'why her not me? Why didn't they consider i might be where she is now too?'

I would be happy is it was my dsis getting it but i have my babies as do my siblings. Would i be resentful and sad in the pp gd2?...possibly, no one knows which is why caution is advised.

OP knows how made her gd feels and has no idea if another could be in the same position in a few years.

My mum paid for my sister to have a round of ivf. I have no problem with it, I was lucky to be able to have children with no assistance.

Apologies if this has been said as I haven't read the whole thread.

The £10k cost for IVF includes retrieving and inseminating the eggs. Hopefully she would get a few eggs and they would be frozen ready to be used.

If you GD first try did not work, it's much cheaper for another cycle as they only have to pay for the egg to be inserted.

It's your money, you can spend it how you choose. Nobody ever has to know. I personally would NEVER deprive my sister or brother from the chance of having a child for the relatively small sum (in the grand scheme of life) of £2000 each.

Go for it, it could be the best thing you've ever done!!

If another grandchild needs help later, the family should try to find the money elsewhere. In particular the grandchild who had help should then be trying to work overtime to support IVF for their sibling / cousin. With enough family contributing it should be possible to help without the family being ripped apart, that sounds like excuses which I guess is why that particular woman is upset. The one who had IVF should give £3k, the grandparents and parents say another £3k... it would all add up if there really was a will to help. Regardless, "just in case" isn't a good reason to do nothing for the one who needs help now.

Also it really isn't the same as buying siblings cars and houses, this is about a potential child.

@NauseousMum

That’s a really sad set of circumstances, you can’t account for every eventuality though. GD needs help now for a genuine reason. The other children might need help later, yes. But hindsight is a wonderful thing that OP doesn’t have the benefit of.

By offering money to this grandchild for IVF, I think OP is in danger of making value judgements about her other grandchildren's lives and their priorities if she doesn't have funds available to invest in each grandchild equally. For example if you offer money for one to have a better chance of having a child but don't donate an equal amount to a donkey sanctuary that is her other grandchild's life work then that suggests that one is more worthwhile and valuable than the other. That could easily build resentment and tension in the family and ill feeling.

What utter tosh.

You cannot live life by wondering who might or might not need something in the future. It's like saying you need to make a will with clauses for any grandchildren that might be conceived in the future.

I don't have savings particularly but if one of my (5) sisters needed money I would give them it if I could. I wouldn't say "no because the other 4 might need help somewhere down the line" it's a ludicrous notion.

Divide it by 5 give them all something and she can save the rest
Then youre still helping her but keeping it equal and fair

But it’s the OP’s money. She doesn’t need to keep it fair. She can spend it how she chooses. She doesn’t even need to tell anyone else. I really don’t get this sense of entitlement to other people’s money.

It’s absolutely fine for your parents (and GPs) to spend every single penny of their money however they choose before they die. They have zero obligation to keep anything back to pass on to their children. I’m always amazed that anyone would expect anything to be left to them let alone what they feel is an ‘equal share’.
I’ll be damned if I’m ever told by anyone that my love for my children can be measured by how equally I spend money on them.

You sound like a wonderful grandma OP. We have had financial help from family for IVF, which we are incredibly grateful for, and it has helped ease the burden of stress during the worst times of our life. I am pretty sure our siblings and cousins don't resent this as they have seen the pain and grief that infertility has caused and they care about us and desperately want us to have a happy outcome as much as we do.

Coming from a family where things have been totally unfair financially I know it can cause huge divides and great upset and damage.
I feel personally that if you have more than 1 child/grandchild and want to gift money then do the same for all
It is OPs money and choice though only they can know how family members would react and how best to move forward

Equal treatment is not = fair treatment
It must consider need.

If one GC won the Euromillions, then leaving them say 300k would make no noticeable difference to their life,
but could mean a life-changing house of their own to another GC

If one GC were disabled or with LDs, then fairness would mean they get most or even all of the available money and inheritance
Despite the chance that years later another GC might be severely disabled in a car accident, or have a child with a severely disability or SEN.

All the "what ifs" are for events that might never happen

One GC has a far greater need NOW
When all GC are middle-aged, but this one GC remains childless and bereft, it will be very bitter for her to know she lost her chance because of a "what if"

Do it - what s beautiful gift - hope it works though - be sure to be aware that it might not take first time and you could lose your money.
The others hopefully won’t need it. If it were a life saving op you wouldn’t hesitate - if they think it’s not fair that she gets money - well it’s not fair that she’s going through this - good luck, yes yes yes - do it.

How many rounds are you prepared to fund, OP? If you are going to do this you need to be clear in your own mind how much you will commit. If you feel bad for her now, try to imagine how it will feel to say no if further attempts are needed.

I absolutely would, having been through issues myself I know how consuming this can be and it really does take over your life. We take it for granted we can reproduce, unfortunately it’s not always that easy and until you are in that situation you can not comprehend. In the meantime there is an amazing charity called Tommy’s who may be able to offer her some support and advice. I was part of a trial there and conceived my daughter who’s now 16 months after 5 miscarriages. www.tommys.org/

Honestly? I'd do it without a doubt. You've made it clear that your grandchildren are all loving and caring people and it is unlikely they would begrudge funding for IVF. However I would think about keeping it between you and this grandchild, or at least keeping the specific amount secret.

I would. You never know what could happen in the future. You might come into money, your children might come into money or your grandchildern might come into money. They need it now for a life changing reason. If your other grandchildren or children need financial help in the future I am sure you will all pull together as a family and find a solution as you are doing now. Good luck whatever you decide. My grandparents were rubbish so the fact that you are agonising over whether this is fair or not means that you are very thoughtful loving grandparents. They are all lucky. X

Three things to consider. 1. Even if you gift gc £10k for IVF it might not work. 2. Other gc may feel resentful if they find out you have financially favoured their cousin. 3. Also it might be possible one of them will also have problems conceiving and then what?

If you have money to spare I would split equally between gc now so some gets used towards IVF and other gc get to save their share until they need it. Only give away what you can genuinely afford to give.

I’d do it. And as a sibling I wouldn’t feel unfair. You are not putting them ahead financially. You are helping them with something the others get for free. They are not getting a wedding/car/house.

It would be like a sibling complaining if you brought one of them an electric wheelchair to improve their lives. They are only getting back to the free independence they have.

I’d do it OP.

I was told (when going through infertility) that if I couldn't save up for a year for ivf then I couldn't afford the reality of a child. This stopped me borrowing money and instead I saved for a year. (£300 a month) I now spend a hell of a lot more on childcare etc. Can you encourage them to save and maybe add a bit yourself? Seems fairer to me.

You sound lovely and it is absolutely your money so your decision.
However, I have had the pain of secondary infertility and failed IVF.
It is devastating and the guilt would have been made worse if I'd used someone else's money.
How old are they? Are they both working full time?
I agree with others saying you could give each gc equal amounts and let them save the rest. Money does cause so many arguments - what if you pay for their ivf then they splash out on a new tv/holiday - how are the others going to feel?

I think it would be a lovely kind thing to do but do think about what if another gc had some kind of health issue or similar that could be rectified by a sum of money to pay for a procedure that they otherwise couldn’t have and that you might not be able to help. I know that’s hypothetical, and if you’re ok with that being a possibility and mot being in a position to help and the other gc are ok with it then I think it’s ok. I think you need to be clear from the outset how much you could give and how many rounds you could help them with. It would be tempting if one round didn’t work to keep giving more in the hope of another working so you need to work out exactly what and how much you would give. I agree with previous posters changing your will to take this into account if you intend to leave your gc any money.

If you decide to help, my advice is keep it between the two of you only. Never speak of it, never let the others know.

It’s your business only, how you choose to spend your money and it’s your Granddaughters private business as to what money she has.

We never know what is round the corner in life, and jealousy over money is the first thing to rip families apart.

So personally, I’d help, if that’s what you would like to do with your money....but I’d never speak of it & I’d ensure she doesn’t either. If it works and she has a baby, just let that be a very special bond, between the three of you.

I think the cancer v infertility top trumps going on here is unpleasant and really not relevant to the argument. Who are any of us to comment on how things may affect us ?
I've had both canccer and infertility. i'd say for me personally the cancer DX was harder - but can fully appreciate this is not the case for everyone - and I was lucky, I did go on to have two children - so i can;t comment on what it is like to not have a good outcome.
One big difference though was that for my fertility issues i was pretty much left to get on with it. For my cancer treatment - it was all free on the NHS, I had top class care, couselling, support etc etc. All FREE.
So the two conditions are not comparable.

OP - this is your money - you aren't obliged to give your GC any money, they shouldn't, and probably don't, expect it. if you would like to help your GD with fertility treatment then go for it. I certainly wouldn;t have begrudged such help from my GP to a sibling or cousin. I have given my DS and DDIL money for something emotive and urgent and was not able to give the same to my DD - my dd didn;t mind at all, she straight away said 'can you help them Mum?' and was pleased when I was able to. It wasn;t as much money as you would be giving but it was a couple of thousand.
I am of the opinion that if you can make someone's life happier with money then that is what money is for. No point it sitting in your bank account in case one of your other Gc wants it (and anyway how would you justify to your infertile GD not giving her money if you gave it to another GC - it is endlessly complicated if you go down that road.)

yes - it might not work - but it's like all lotteries - the one way you can be certain you don't win is if you don't enter.

Good luck with your decision - go with your heart - money is only money - happiness and love is everything.