I fucked up and I can’t make it right 🙁

[LoopyLou1981]

I was sat on the train this morning in a ‘2 seat’. Two people were gesturing about where to sit. One sat next me and the other a few seats ahead. I was looking at my phone so not concentrating and asked the person next to me if they’d like to sit together. She practically shouted back ‘no, we’re not together you racist bitch’. It was only then that I realised that they were both black. I apologised by she just rolled her eyes at me and turned away.
I’m not racist. I hate any sort of discrimination. I’d have done the same for any two people that I thought were together.
Now I’m mortified that people think that I think that way and I can’t fix it.
I’m a horribly anxious person and now I’ve got an hour to try and make it look like I haven’t been crying so people in the office don’t ask me what’s wrong.

I felt awful that he had made that assumption about me and its awful to think that this is his usual experience

A male shouted at a woman on a dark street. You were right to make that assumption because he was male and aggressive.

She reacted in a moment of anger. She shouldn't have done it, but that's life. I save my judgement for people who are consistently, relentlessly rude and angry, not people who snap. Incidents like this - who am I to know what was going on with her that day?

How can you, or the OP, know this was a one-off snap, and not a person who is consistently rude and angry?

'How can you, or the OP, know this was a one-off snap, and not a person who is consistently rude and angry?"

I cannot possibly know. But she isn't being consistently rude and angry to the OP, which is what I meant.

I was once working in a shop aged 16. A woman and her daughter came in and I served them. The older woman was talking very quietly and I couldn't hear what she asked for. So I said " pardon, which cake would you like?"
The younger woman rolled her eyes, said " my mother asked you a question, you racist". I was shocked and very upset but I hadn't been racist. I just plain didn't hear her.
Try not to let it get to you, she's the one with the problem, not you.

@ShastaBeast I don't think that would happen in a backwater either. Some people in urban areas might be surprised to find that there is ethnic diversity all over the UK. There are a number of mixed race kids at our local primary with a black or an asian parent. They are locals because one half of their family has been in the area for hundred of years. By contrast, we will never be locals, even when we are old. We can't even pass as local because we speak with Received Pronunciation.

You did NOTHING wrong.

It's probably down to the way she may have been treated in the past, or maybe she was in a shitty mood, could be any number of reasons really.

Definitely no fault on your part.

@Handsoffmysweets said exactly what I would have.

There was no micro aggression. Is it racist to presume there was? Possibly. Two people speaking to one another would make me think (shock, horror!) that they were together, too. Forgive us for being nice, fucking hell, you can’t do right for doing bloody wrong. No need for the woman to be absuive to the OP. A simple ‘We’re not together’ would have sufficed. It’s not the OP’s problem if this woman has had ‘micro aggressions’ thrown at her this week.

OopsIHidItAgain you think the OP should have apologised and felt embarrassed? Why? She made a perfectly reasonable offer, based on what she saw. She wasn’t the one who called someone a racist bitch! There was only one bitch in this scenario and it wasn’t the OP!

By the reckoning of you and some of the other pps it is okay for POC to act in this way, as white people are always in the wrong! It doesn’t matter what the POC says as they are entitled to feel aggrieved at ANY white person, because a different white person may have upset them in the past. It is little wonder there is racism with this attitude!

The person who sat next to the OP was the bitch. It is she who should be apologising. Taking your frustration out on somebody because another white person(s) has upset you in the past is NOT acceptable.

But of course only white people are racist!

TBH if you live or work in a cosmopolitan area with a melting pot of ethnicities, I don't think you do take as much notice of people's skin colour.

OP I hope your day improves, and that this isolated incident doesn't stop you being kind.

Can people stop saying they were talking to each other so the OP was fine to make the assumption she did? That's not what her OP says:

Two people were gesturing about where to sit.

And OP says she wasn't paying attention, so she doesn't even know that they were really interacting with each other. It is in fact perfectly possible she made an assumption, and yes, that assumption may have been based on race.

OP, that doesn't make you a bad person, and it is unfortunate that you were yelled at, but learn from it, and move on. Remind yourself you didn't mean anything by it, it was at heart a kind gesture, and in future pay attention before making any offers like that.

Two people were gesturing about where to sit
They were interacting and communicating with each other. Whether it was verbal or not is irrelevant. Why would you interact with a stranger at all or even care where they sit?

That outburst would have shocked any one well done for being nice shame it was thrown back in your face

Can I ask all the people telling the OP that she did a nice thing and it was the other woman with the problem, to tell me what the correct response is when a stranger makes a random remark which appears to be making a negative judgement on them based on their colour? Yes, the woman was rude to call OP a bitch but, in my experience, it is unfortunately not that uncommon for a white person not to want to sit next to a non white person and either move themselves, or suggest the other person should do. Or perhaps, I could put it this way: OP has had one unpleasant remark from someone who misunderstood her behaviour to be racist. I (and I suspect other non-white women) get such remarks and negative behaviour on a weekly basis. I don't know the woman that OP met, and maybe she is just an unpleasant human being, but I can at least understand her position.

You haven't fucked up at all, and there's nothing for you to 'make right': your assumption that they were together was based on them talking to each other, not on the colour of their skin. Try and let it go, you did a nice thing and someone either having a bad day - or maybe just a mean person - had a go at you.

If I witnessed that exchange on a train, I would have thought the person shouting was in the wrong tbh, sounds like a complete overreaction to your question. However I don’t doubt that black women come across racism and micro-aggressions all the time - I’m not trying to belittle her experiences, they have obviously shaped who she is and why she felt offended at you, leading to her outburst.

People on public transport can be strange - you just have to ignore them and try and get on with your day, chances are that you’ll never see her again,

tell me what the correct response is when a stranger makes a random remark which appears to be making a negative judgement on them based on their colour?

First establish that it was actually a negative judgment based on colour and you’re not just reading too much into it. Someone wrongly assuming that a person you’ve just been seen communicating with is your companion, is not a judgement based on colour. It’s based on the fact that you appear to know the person as you were communicating with each other. There’s nothing negative about assuming two people are together either? I can’t count how many times I’ve walked into a restaurant directly behind someone and been asked “Are you together?”

Kko1986
Can you explain what is negative about assuming a person is with someone they have been talking to?

Most people don't come out and make openly racist remarks so if challenged will just say (as OP has) that it's you that are making the negative judgement and their intentions have been misunderstood. So how exactly do you "establish that it is actually a negative judgement based on colour"?

For example

• you are told that a seat is taken but the person will happily let a white stranger sit there
• the person huffs and puffs and moves seats when you sit next to them (to sit next to a white person)
• (similar to OP's situation) they point at an empty seat next to a non white person and suggest that you might prefer to sit there

Of course none of these are overtly racist, , and in a single occurence, might well be totally innocent, but when they happen over and over and you note that they don't happen to your white friends, it' s hard not to draw your own conclusions.

Or maybe I just smell.

Op YANBU to be upset to how this lady responded to you. The question I suggest you ask yourself & reflect upon is would you have made the same assumption if it was two white women?

I've noticed that racism is difficult to discuss on MN.

Several posters show up to very calmly and succinctly explain subconscious bias, covert racism & micro aggressions.

Several posters show up to dismiss, minimise & other these explanations, in order to shut down the notion that the OP or the described incident was racist.

I'm a black woman who is tired of the daily micro aggressions, I don't have a chip on my shoulder, and my default position isn't to cry racism as the root cause of every negative experience. However, I admit that I have several prejudices & stereotypes that can be perceived as being racist. I make a conscious effort not to vocalise my prejudices & stereotypes, because I have been at the receiving end of this kind of hurtful thoughtlessness on several occasions.

Why are people so reluctant to listen, acknowledge & accept that racist behaviour presents in several guises?

She shouldn't have called you a bitch. That must have shaken you up.

However

When I read your op I predicted multiple posts of people giving their own tales of aggressive black people. I wasn't mistaken.

They were interacting and communicating with each other. Whether it was verbal or not is irrelevant. Why would you interact with a stranger at all or even care where they sit?

Because sometimes people like to be kind to strangers for no reason, plus isn't this a very quintessential British trait? I know I've behaved like this with random strangers.

The idiots on here defending the obnoxious woman on the train and finding some excuse to blame the OP are a menace to society. Such attitudes can really undermine attempts to deal with GENUINE racism (including try slow drip of micro-aggression). Stop virtue signalling wildly and think about the consequences of your silly comments.