I fucked up and I can’t make it right 🙁

[LoopyLou1981]

I was sat on the train this morning in a ‘2 seat’. Two people were gesturing about where to sit. One sat next me and the other a few seats ahead. I was looking at my phone so not concentrating and asked the person next to me if they’d like to sit together. She practically shouted back ‘no, we’re not together you racist bitch’. It was only then that I realised that they were both black. I apologised by she just rolled her eyes at me and turned away.
I’m not racist. I hate any sort of discrimination. I’d have done the same for any two people that I thought were together.
Now I’m mortified that people think that I think that way and I can’t fix it.
I’m a horribly anxious person and now I’ve got an hour to try and make it look like I haven’t been crying so people in the office don’t ask me what’s wrong.

You weren’t being racist OP. As someone else said, the only person who was out of order was the woman who shouted at you.

There needs to be a quick and well recognisable word introduced for people to retaliate against false accusations of racism, because things like that are ridiculous.

If anything she sounded like the racist one, treating you horribly and making assumptions about you because you were white. (Just assuming you are white, sorry if i'm being racist)

This makes me sad.
There are some arseholes in the world. Some use racism as their outlet some misogyny some ageism some just spoilt for a fight for no reason.
And these people come in all shapes sizes and genders.

I can honestly say that I believe 90+ % of the population are kind generous and warm spirited when in comfortable surroundings.
The more we tell each other that a nice gesture is micro aggression the less nice we will be to strangers. The more distant we will be from people we haven’t met before and it becomes a cold and sinister world filled with suspicion.

People talk about northerners being friendly that is a self fulfilling prophecy. When visitors go there a stranger talking to them is not seen as suspicious.
Southerners are told not to make eye contact on the tube. So friendly warm behaviour is seen as sinister.

It is royaly fucked up.
You sound like a lovely kind lady OP. Please don’t stop being kind. I am sorry it has made you anxious. 💐 feel better soon

There are not nice black people and nice black people, same for every race.

She might not have had it up to her neck this week with racism, or she might have.

There might have been an unconscious bias or there might not have been. Anyway surely the fact that her family are likely to be the same colour as her justifies this to a certain extent? increases the odds so it's not such an unreasonable subconscious conclusion to reach?

It doesn't matter. She was an arsehole in her attitude and the op is in no way to blame for a nice innocent gesture.

OP - do you think she is stewing over and over again about calling you a bitch? Do you think she’s crying and worrying about how the rest of the train perceived her? She absolutely won’t be, so neither should you. You did or said nothing wrong x

OP I'm black if it makes you feel any better, I said good morning to a colleague this morning and called him another colleague's name. They are both asian. It has taken me 45 minutes for me to get over it (except I'm not cause I'm posting about it).

He said it was okay after I apologised, but I don't feel it was okay. I know I wasn't paying attention. Your story is nothing like mine, however, I do agree with Pillow and dragon. I don't think any explanation has been patronising.

Unlike me however, I literally do not think you have done anything wrong, but I also see things from the woman's point of view. She has made a mistake and probably wants the world to swallow her up now. She'll probably be thinking about it all day herself. Try to look at it that she has to have gone through crap to think that about something said so innocently, and when you go through crap, yes you do have a chip on your shoulder eventually - there are only so many cheeks to turn after all. Then try to put it to bed yourself.

"People are just people to me."

That in itself is a form of racism.

This is an interesting article about it.

As mother suggested above 'Why I'm No Longer Talking To White People About Race' is really eye-opening, as is 'Why Are All The Black Kids Sitting Together In The Cafeteria?'

I think everyone needs to read these kinds of books in order to understand race in modern society. 'We're all the same' just doesn't cut it, sadly.

IAmAlwaysLikeThis
She wouldn't have known this. But I was pointing out that this wasn't a microaggression. I wasn't judging this person.
Save the concern about microaggressions for things that can have a negative impact.
No doubt this woman has had to deal with racism all her life and perhaps this has made her hypersensitive. Perhaps she is also a rude person. We don't know her!
But the main thing is that the op did nothing wrong and shouldn't feel bad.

You were nice, she was a bitch. Don’t give it another thought.

"do you think she is stewing over and over again about calling you a bitch? Do you think she’s crying and worrying about how the rest of the train perceived her? She absolutely won’t be"

How can you possibly know that?!

I have had times when I flipped out about stuff and then felt shit about it for MONTHS after.

Unfortunately you come across all kinds of nasty people on trains. My dh was called a racist as he asked both people sitting in the priority seats if I could have one as the train was packed and I was 7 months pregnant. Another man started screaming he was racist for asking the black people in the seats to get up and one of the women (who was sitting in the priority seat) agreed. I ended up staying standing and pushed against the bars.

Some people are just nasty unfortunately. Have a coffee and don’t give it any more thought.

She, (grumpy cow,) should have judged the person by their actions not the colour of their skin. (oh the irony!)

It is after all, all that matters, and you were being lovely and kind.

And perfectly natural to cry with the shock when someone is unexpectedly so aggressive so don't be ashamed of the tears! I would have cried too... I hope the little karma bus comes along soon to give you something lovely today !!! xxx

Sorry but surely an explanation of the term 'micro AGGRESSION' is in the name. Offering to give up your seat to two people you thought wanted to sit together can hardly be described as aggression.

At the absolute worst there may have been ( and I say may as we really can't know) an unconscious confirmation bias which led someone to make a conclusion that led to an offer of help.

The woman who was rude may well have had a bad day and may be fed up with ' assumptions' made about her but she has chosen a particularly poor example of to blow up at.

The effect of her reaction is very very unlikely to lead to any self reflection as it is so obviously unreasonable

Op she was just having a bad day and made assumptions about you. Just ignore her. I would have, in fact I'd have probablyy laughed at her for being so ridiculous which would probably have got me into more trouble. You dealt with it fine, don't give it another thought.

some great advise on here, and especially from @kateandme
Hope you feel better soon x

Key lesson from this thread: ignore anybody who is not the same ethnicity as you are. Always check ethnicity before interacting with anybody. definitely don’t be nice. What a sad world we are living in (and there i though we were all just human....)

Isn't a bit of a self fulfilling prophecy though?
If she's generally reacts to innocent situations as she did then she will get people being horrible to her, purely because she's not nice rather than for any other reason.

*Sorry but surely an explanation of the term 'micro AGGRESSION' is in the name. Offering to give up your seat to two people you thought wanted to sit together can hardly be described as aggression.

At the absolute worst there may have been ( and I say may as we really can't know) an unconscious confirmation bias which led someone to make a conclusion that led to an offer of help*
Thank you that is what I meant but you have said it so much better.

@iamalways

*How can you possibly know that?!

I have had times when I flipped out about stuff and then felt shit about it for MONTHS after.*

I seriously doubt it in this case. People with chips on their shoulders feel justified in their actions. The OP said she apologised but the woman looked away and rolled her eyes. OP was then sat there obviously appearing upset (she has been crying) - are you telling me if that woman felt an ounce of remorse, she wouldn’t have apologised while she had the chance?

You were kind and thoughtful, she was nasty, ungrateful and aggressive for no good reason.

"Key lesson from this thread: ignore anybody who is not the same ethnicity as you are. Always check ethnicity before interacting with anybody."

You sound exactly like the men who say 'better not talk to any women then, in case I get accused of harassing them'.

It's draining to be asked every day if I can eat the local food, to have people be amazed that I can speak and write in the local language, to have people make assumptions every day, to be stared at every day, to have children yell 'look at that foreigner' every day.

Does this really happen in the UK? Ok some rural backwater devoid of diversity, but not any larger town or city. I went to school with kids with many different backgrounds. I wouldn’t automatically assume a non white person was foreign. And even if they were, there are so many foreigners the kids wouldn’t stop yelling all the way to school. Poor teachers would have it too, kids yelling ‘foreigner’ at each other, even the white ones are often foreign. Sometimes the white people are a minority on a bus or train carriage. I was sat surrounded by Indian men yesterday, completely every day normal occurrence.

OP, you sound like a lovely person and I'm sure it was very upsetting for you. I'm not saying the person should have snapped. But as others have tried to point out, microagressions happen all the time and until you have lived with them you don't understand how tiring the small assumptions and unconscious biases displayed really can be. When you've experienced it on a day-to-day basis you can understand why people might reach the end of their tether.

A lot of the posters here seem to be very defensive about the issue of microagressions. We seem to think racism and prejudice is only of the overt 'F off' variety. But it would be helpful if we all took the time to reflect on our behaviours and the assumptions we can make about people without realising it. I recently read Brit(ish) by Afua Hirsch and recommend it for a detailed account of the biases displayed by people who deem themselves to be 'liberal' and accepting, and again, if you don't experience it yourself, you may not be sensitive to its impact on others.

shasta I wasn't implying those specific things happen in the UK every day, no. But incidents where you are made to feel other? Sure, of course. Shouting 'foreigner', not necessarily, I was using the word that is commonly used to describe non-natives in the country I live in.

At the same time, you'd be surprised. My Pakistani heritage friend was asked multiple times a week if she eats curry every day, and people often expressed surprise that she goes to McDonalds, or that she doesn't cover her head, or that her parents are ok with her dating, or or or.

"Sometimes the white people are the minority in a train carriage" - and? What difference does that make? Do you think the white people are then going to face some kind of racism or something? Are there lives made more difficult by being in the minority in that situation? Of course not.

handsoff

spectacularly missing the point of what everyone who is defending the woman on the train is saying.