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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I fucked up and I can’t make it right 🙁

143 replies

LoopyLou1981 · 30/05/2019 07:03

I was sat on the train this morning in a ‘2 seat’. Two people were gesturing about where to sit. One sat next me and the other a few seats ahead. I was looking at my phone so not concentrating and asked the person next to me if they’d like to sit together. She practically shouted back ‘no, we’re not together you racist bitch’. It was only then that I realised that they were both black. I apologised by she just rolled her eyes at me and turned away.
I’m not racist. I hate any sort of discrimination. I’d have done the same for any two people that I thought were together.
Now I’m mortified that people think that I think that way and I can’t fix it.
I’m a horribly anxious person and now I’ve got an hour to try and make it look like I haven’t been crying so people in the office don’t ask me what’s wrong.

OP posts:
Sicario · 30/05/2019 08:39

I did an absolute cracker down Oxford Street one morning. Woman in a wheelchair who seemed to be struggling a bit so I asked her if she'd like a chauffeur (ie, a push) because I was going the same way. We had a lovely walk right up to Selfridges where she said she was meeting someone.

Bloke outside Selfridges in a wheelchair, sitting there minding his own business reading a paper. I said "here we go!" pushed her right up and parked her alongside bloke reading paper.

Anyway, they'd never seen each other before and I wanted the ground to open and swallow me up. They both laughed and I apologised profusely feeling like a right twat. Lesson definitely learned.

Tulipvase · 30/05/2019 08:42

Why are two strangers arranging where they will sit?

Is this something I need to be aware of?

I don’t think you did anything wrong OP.

Rach182 · 30/05/2019 08:42

No need to be upset. I hate rudeness on the tube and she was definitely the rude one.

Even if she had thought you were assuming they wanted to sit together, a simple "we're not together" would suffice to make you sufficiently embarrassed about your mistake.

Someone mistook me for the only other brown person who spoke at an event that I also spoke at...I simply said "I'm not XX" and put her out of her misery by politely ending the conversation as I could see she was dying of mortification inside.

recrudescence · 30/05/2019 08:43

If you can try to focus less on your upset, and more on what she may have been feeling and why, it will be an opportunity for growth for you.

I found this response truly depressing.

Rach182 · 30/05/2019 08:43

@Sicario ahaha so embarrassing Grin

Rach182 · 30/05/2019 08:47

Of course the OP wasn't consciously racist but she would have seen that they were both black even if she didn't consciously acknowledge until after and it may well have played a sub consoles part in her assumption that they were together.

And so what...? I'm brown and I've often assumed that people of other races (I.e. Chinese/ white/ black) were sitting together/ knew each other. I don't think it's necessarily racist to do so depending on the person's intentions/ the scenario.

LizzieSiddal · 30/05/2019 08:48

For this woman, your assumption that she was with another random black person (even if well meant) is likely to have been just one of many microagressions she will have experienced in a society filled with systemic racism.

Agree with this. The poor woman had obviously had enough of it this week.

I’m lasso concerned this thread could descend into “I remember the day a black person did x”. We’ve already had a few examples and it’s not on!

Pillowaddict · 30/05/2019 08:48

Honestly, be kind to yourself and acknowledge you tried to do a nice thing. But also be kind to her and acknowledge that sensitive response didn't come from nowhere; she will likely regret snapping at you, but perhaps is sick of public transport being fraught with misunderstandings with racist undertones, or people being awkward about sharing seats? You were not in the wrong and are right not to vilify her, just don't vilify yourself in response.

LizzieSiddal · 30/05/2019 08:48

*also

AmberorSiena · 30/05/2019 08:49

OP you were just being polite. She wasn't.

As usual, some defend abusive language but there was only one rude or racist person in that incident and it wasn't you.

Saffy101 · 30/05/2019 08:49

You came a cross a bigoted nasty person. This was nothing to do with you, you were just very kind and nice. Ignore it. x

MrMeSeeks · 30/05/2019 08:52

Of course the OP wasn't consciously racist but she would have seen that they were both black even if she didn't consciously acknowledge until after and it may well have played a sub consoles part in her assumption that they were together.

Op saw two people talking and assumed they were together, but deep down it must have been a subconscious thought? Right oh Hmm

If i saw ANY two people talking i’d assume they were together .

kateandme · 30/05/2019 08:53

keep calm.keep doing the positive affirmations.
and also remember this is less about the situation now and more about your illnesss of anxiety.that in itself isnt your fault.its a terrible thing to suffer with.
but it does make you ruminate.feel shit about yourself and anything you might do is wrong or if you do fall short it heightens it to gigantic proportions.
so right now the act is over the your anxiety has taken over and is writing you it sown story.become aware of that and how your feeling.where is it in your thoughts.try and let them go.each time they come take a deep breathe and think this is my anxiety this sint me.where is it in the body.unclench your shoulders take them down from your neck.soften your forhead try lifting the corner of your mouth into a slight smile.feel your feet on the floor and relax into yoruself.
be kind to yourself.you did a lovely thing.people dont take things right then that is on them.your intentions were great.
go onwards.and remeber this isnt you its your anxiety and then onwards.

jackio2205 · 30/05/2019 08:55

Just because someone has a chip on their shoulder doesn't make you have ill intention, its obviously at the height of their sensitivities (which of course i get, were not ignorant to racism) but christ, to call you a bitch, that is 100% their problem and not yours, you were just offering seats.
I think anyone would think on this for a bit, nothing wrong with that, with thinking comes understanding and clarity for a really odd situation, dont get called a bitch by a stranger every day do you? Just dont beat yourself up, you know your intentions, they got it wrong, thats the long and short of it.
Xxxx

DuchessDarty · 30/05/2019 08:56

The poor woman had obviously had enough of it this week.

There’s no ‘obviously’ about it.
It’s possible, but it’s also possible she’s an angry/rude/troubled/unstable person who readily lashed out. We don’t know, and while we should give her the benefit of the doubt, equally she should have given the OP the benefit of the doubt given she’d been communicating with the other person. She could have checked what the OP meant and called her out on any possible racist assumption in a less aggressive way.

CruellaFeinberg · 30/05/2019 08:56

If you can try to focus less on your upset, and more on what she may have been feeling and why, it will be an opportunity for growth for you.

Did you mean to be so patronising?
OP saw 2 people talking on a train, how is it unreasonable to assume they may be together?

IAmAlwaysLikeThis · 30/05/2019 08:57

I totally agree with what pillow and dragons said.

For minorities, EVERY day is filled with small incidents that remind you that some people are racist twats.

You just got caught in the crossfire. It wasn't your intention, you didn't even notice they were both black, but from her point of view, you were just another person pointing out that day that she is 'other'.

It's not fair that she shouted at you, but also it's not fair that people are racist twats to her.

Unless someone is a real bellend and has a massive go over nothing, I try to be forgiving.

As a white woman, I really didn't understand how it feels to be 'other' in terms of race til I moved to Asia. It is draining. It's draining to be asked every day if I can eat the local food, to have people be amazed that I can speak and write in the local language, to have people make assumptions every day, to be stared at every day, to have children yell 'look at that foreigner' every day. It's easy to say 'oh just get over it' or 'don't let it bother you' but some days, I have to admit, I HAVE been rude. The final straw for me once was someone praising me for being able to say 'hello' in the local language. I have been here for years, my husband is from this country, I have studied for years and they're just like 'OMG YOU CAN SAY HELLO'. They were trying to be nice but it just infuriated me and I was quite grumpy back at them.

It is so alienating. And I have only experienced it as an adult and not in my home country, so I can't imagine how shitty it must be for people to have experienced it every day for their entire life.

returnofthecat · 30/05/2019 08:58

As others have said, if I saw two people talking to each other, I would assume they knew each other... Especially on a train. No one usually talks to strangers on public transport!

People who think everyone else is racist really need to check their own prejudices. Just because someone has a different colour of skin to you doesn't mean they're always out to get you. Some people are racists - some are not. Assume everyone of a different colour to you is a racist and well, they're not one who is the racist...

Train lady was the one with the problem.

Chathamhouserules · 30/05/2019 08:58

MotherOfDragonite
But op said it was because the two people were talking that she assumed they were together. Not because they were black.
So no microaggression. There was nothing that indicated hostility or derogatory attitudes.
Your attitude doesn't help us. Let's focus on things that are actually microaggressions.

Napqueen1234 · 30/05/2019 09:04

*A couple of people on this thread have tried to explain why the woman might have been upset (of course no need for name calling from her) but people don't appear to be listening.

Of course the OP wasn't consciously racist but she would have seen that they were both black even if she didn't consciously acknowledge until after and it may well have played a sub consoles part in her assumption that they were together.*

I appreciate what you're saying but if the same would have applied if it had been a black and Caucasian/any other race person who got on the train together and then appeared to be considering where to sit then surely race has nothing to do with it? A polite 'oh no we don't know each other' would have been fine.

Flowers for you OP you tried to do something kind and unfortunately got a very harsh and unnecessary reaction. Try not to dwell on it.

I always think with those people who go off on one about anything and everything or react in an aggressive way how difficult, tiring and stressful life must be for them if that's how they respond to things. Poor girl if she is looking for racism in every comment what a way to live

IAmAlwaysLikeThis · 30/05/2019 09:05

chatham but how could the train woman know that?

She couldn't.

She reacted in a moment of anger. She shouldn't have done it, but that's life.

I save my judgement for people who are consistently, relentlessly rude and angry, not people who snap. Incidents like this - who am I to know what was going on with her that day?

RaptorWhiskers · 30/05/2019 09:05

TooOldForThisWhoCares no OP did not come across as a rude arsehole. There was absolutely nothing wrong with what she said. The rude arsehole is the person who was rude in response to a kind gesture. If I saw two people talking I’d assume they were together, regardless of whether they were the same colour or different colours.

LouiseMiltonSpatula · 30/05/2019 09:12

You did nothing wrong and have nothing to fix - please don’t dwell on this any longer Flowers

NannyRed · 30/05/2019 09:15

Get a grip!

You offered someone a seat, if that’s your idea of fucking up you are leading a charmed life!

The passenger who bit your head off was rude and wrong, forget her.

SamanthaJayne4 · 30/05/2019 09:15

Totally agree with Raptor. I wouldn't even have noticed that the people concerned were black. People are just people to me. I must admit I am quite cautious and tend not to speak to strangers. Typical stand offish Brit! I hope you are ok OP.