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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I fucked up and I can’t make it right 🙁

143 replies

LoopyLou1981 · 30/05/2019 07:03

I was sat on the train this morning in a ‘2 seat’. Two people were gesturing about where to sit. One sat next me and the other a few seats ahead. I was looking at my phone so not concentrating and asked the person next to me if they’d like to sit together. She practically shouted back ‘no, we’re not together you racist bitch’. It was only then that I realised that they were both black. I apologised by she just rolled her eyes at me and turned away.
I’m not racist. I hate any sort of discrimination. I’d have done the same for any two people that I thought were together.
Now I’m mortified that people think that I think that way and I can’t fix it.
I’m a horribly anxious person and now I’ve got an hour to try and make it look like I haven’t been crying so people in the office don’t ask me what’s wrong.

OP posts:
Karigan195 · 30/05/2019 08:00

Think they have the problem not you. :)

LittenKitten · 30/05/2019 08:01

You didn’t do anything wrong, but anxiety is a bitch! You’ll be in fight/flight mode, so go gentle with yourself. Deep breaths. You were being lovely.

OopsIHidItAgain · 30/05/2019 08:02

I wouldn't call her a bitch - I'm sure she's just frustrated at the number of times this type of thing has happened to her. You won't believe how often this kind of thing happens to us.

I wouldn't call you a bitch either- you weren't being malicious. You just should have just said sorry for your mistake (and faintly embarrassed) and moved on.

DuchessDarty · 30/05/2019 08:06

OopsIHidItAgain

It’s clear from the first post that the OP didn’t call the woman a bitch and that she did apologise.

FookMeFookYou · 30/05/2019 08:06

This would have made me laugh tbh, what a stupid thing for her to say.

You haven't messed up and you have nothing to fix

wowfudge · 30/05/2019 08:08

Why should the OP have apologised for thinking two people talking to each other were together? That is bonkers.

MotherOfDragonite · 30/05/2019 08:09

For this woman, your assumption that she was with another random black person (even if well meant) is likely to have been just one of many microagressions she will have experienced in a society filled with systemic racism.

If you can try to focus less on your upset, and more on what she may have been feeling and why, it will be an opportunity for growth for you.

I realise this is probably hard for you to hear.

Ultimately, though, what I am saying is that you can fix this and that you are clearly not a bad person, because you are thinking about this. I highly recommend reading Why I've Stopped Talking to White People About Race by Reni Eddo-Lodge (www.<a class="break-all" href="https://amazon.co.uk/dp/B06WWPX2YF/),?tag=mumsnet&ascsubtag=mnforum-am-i-being-unreasonable-3599139-I-fucked-up-and-I-can-t-make-it-right" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">amazon.co.uk/dp/B06WWPX2YF/), it's a real eye opener and will help you to understand a little more about the dynamics of what just happened. I think you would get a lot out of it.

CoraPirbright · 30/05/2019 08:09

What a charming and thoughtful person you are, to offer to move seats! She was horrid and rude and frankly you did absolutely nothing wrong.

I was walking home one night - it was a long road, dark and with few exits off it. I saw up ahead two men loitering around and became worried so I crossed the road. As I passed by on the other side, one of them yelled “its because I’m black, isnt it?”. As I had not wanted to make eye contact, I honestly hadn’t raised my eyes above their chest level and so had no idea that one of them was indeed a black guy until I looked back when he yelled. It had nothing to do with that and everything to do with the fact that I was a woman on my own and they were two men. I felt awful that he had made that assumption about me and its awful to think that this is his usual experience. But not all of us are racist arseholes!

Try to put it down to just her having a bad day. I am sorry you were upset.

NomDeQwerty · 30/05/2019 08:12

It's not unreasonable to assume that 2 people who are communicating are together but a lot would depend on what that looked like. We can't know what it looked like and you weren't really paying attention at the time.
You could well have made your assumption partly based on skin colour in that tiny moment. Her response was aggressive and uncalled for.

Notabedofroses · 30/05/2019 08:15

The problem is theirs, not yours, you were kind and considered, they were anything but.

Let it go and have a nice day.

myself2020 · 30/05/2019 08:16

Hopefully it make you smile:
I was travelling in asia with a colleague. he is early 60s, very very proper english. i’ late 30s but look a lot younger.
as we were travelling (for business) together, we obviously arrived at hotels at the same time. we always, always got asked if we would prefer to share a room (reception desk people obviously always thought we had made a mistake when booking). we always politely declined - they were just trying to be nice and save us money. no need to get upset, and definitely no need to be rude

youarenotkiddingme · 30/05/2019 08:17

Actually the race issue is hers.

She made the assumption the white person is judging her due to the colour of her skin and not her actions.

You should have asked her if she wanted salt and vinegar with the chips.

werideatdawn · 30/05/2019 08:17

Whatever "micro aggressions" she has experienced, she had no right to be so downright rude and nasty. Try to forget about it OP. The problem lies with her.

Poloshot · 30/05/2019 08:17

😂 ffs don't worry about it

Ali1cedowntherabbithole · 30/05/2019 08:21

I read it as the OP thought the two people were together because they boarded the train together and were gesticulating about where to sit.

No micro aggression there.

Lalliella · 30/05/2019 08:22

The only thing you did wrong was to apologise. You tried to do a nice thing. If she and another person are gesturing about where to sit rather than just sit down in the nearest seat then of course you’re going to assume there’s a reason for that and the most likely reason is that they want to sit together. It really is her with the problem not you. Please try not to over-think this, and let it go.

Abra1de · 30/05/2019 08:22

No need for the OP to take any learning opportunities from this as she is not the person at fault here. She thought they were traveling together because they were talking to one another.

Whackitupto200 · 30/05/2019 08:23

You won't believe how often this kind of thing happens to us

What kind of thing?

I’m not trying to be a dick but I honestly can’t see what OP did wrong. She saw two people talking to each other about where to sit and assumed they were together.

Jenala · 30/05/2019 08:24

Doesn't matter what 'microaggressions' you've experienced, it's still rude and nasty to speak to someone like that in a situation where the op was clearly just trying to be nice. No one gets a free pass to be a cunt and to think that someone of a different skin colour should not be held to the same standards of behaviour as everyone else is racist in itself.

Wolfiefan · 30/05/2019 08:25

You really didn’t fuck up. You assumed they were together as they were talking. I would’ve assumed they didn’t want to sit separately and were trying to work out how to avoid having to separate. I would’ve done what you did. You were just trying to make their journey more pleasant. Flowers

ginghamtablecloths · 30/05/2019 08:26

How horrible for you - she was very nasty and I'm sure that other people noticed this. You are not to blame and this also would have been noticed by others.

Any right-minded person would agree.

Once, on a bus, a small child was about to stumble so I leaned forward to break his fall, his grandmother spat out at me, "White woman" as though I was a piece of shit. I was speechless at her rudeness. Just another arse, I'm afraid and they come in all colours.

TreadingThePrimrosePath · 30/05/2019 08:31

Yes, microaggressions and assumptions happen all the time to POC and those with disabilities. And women. It’s how you respond to them that changes behaviour.
OP did nothing wrong, the response was hostile and unexpected. Next time she sees two unknown WOC with a possible problem, do you think she’ll offer to help or look studiously blank and uninvolved?

TeddybearBaby · 30/05/2019 08:32

What a lovely person you sound! Please don’t let this experience take that away! This is entirely the other woman’s issue and not yours, perhaps she’s racist. Who knows 🤷🏻‍♀️. Stay being your kind self, the world doesn’t have enough kindness 💐

Rockmysocks · 30/05/2019 08:35

No learning opportunity needed. You were being kind and thoughtful to two people you had noticed gesturing to one another about seating. They could have been any colour, race, sex under the sun - they appeared to have 'connection' and you offered to move so they could sit together.

Please learn that rudeness, like kindness, comes in all shapes and forms. Don't feel brow beaten into accepting you played any kind of role in microaggression by patronising and self-serving posters with their own shoulder chips and agendas.

BentBastard · 30/05/2019 08:38

A couple of people on this thread have tried to explain why the woman might have been upset (of course no need for name calling from her) but people don't appear to be listening.

Of course the OP wasn't consciously racist but she would have seen that they were both black even if she didn't consciously acknowledge until after and it may well have played a sub consoles part in her assumption that they were together.

We could all benefit from taking a look at our subconscious biases (not just with respect to race either).

OP you are clearly jot a bad Preston and woman was rude so not having a go, but worth thinking about.