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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not know what to do with the information that DP is probably aspergers

115 replies

Stripyseagulls · 28/05/2019 17:01

DP scored very highly on the AQ test- I don’t know why I never saw it before as I have suspected it but then dismissed it. He scored 37 which is pretty much within aspergers diagnosis. It’s always been a joke that he is very antisocial for example but he also had no empathy. I think he’s entirely not right as a partner for me but we have 2 kids and have been together 19 years. I feel loyalty to him but know in my heart that we aren’t compatible and always have. It’s partly because of the kids I have stayed although I know that’s no reason- I come from a divorced family and it had such a big impact on me growing up that I didn’t want the same for my kids.
But now I don’t know what I want- the knowing has changed things for me in some ways - Aibu? I genuinely don’t know what to do next.

OP posts:
SoyDora · 28/05/2019 17:04

Well he’s still the same person he was before he took the test. Does he want to pursue a diagnosis?

Original poster
Stripyseagulls · 28/05/2019 17:06

@soydora I don’t know- should he? Will that help do you think?

OP posts:
ContessaIsOnADietDammit · 28/05/2019 17:07

How does he feel about it, OP?

kandykane77 · 28/05/2019 17:09

I don't think this is about your DP being an aspie, I think this is about you wanting something to validate your desire to leave.

Mominatrix · 28/05/2019 17:10

Why would it change anything? He is still the same person - you just have an explanation for why he might behave or react in a particular manner.

Chucklecheeks1 · 28/05/2019 17:10

As the pp said this is nothing to do with possible Asperger diagnosis... this is you looking for a reason to leave and not be blamed.

Original poster
Stripyseagulls · 28/05/2019 17:11

@contessals I don’t know really- he hasn’t said much

@kandy quite possibly. It kind of makes sense of the emotional vacuum I have felt from him to be honest & it’s shocked me a bit

OP posts:
Original poster
Stripyseagulls · 28/05/2019 17:12

@chuckle really? It’s nothing to do with being blamed or not

OP posts:
SoyDora · 28/05/2019 17:14

If you’re unhappy in your marriage, it’s irrelevant really whether he’s got Aspergers or not. You don’t need a reason to leave.

Original poster
Stripyseagulls · 28/05/2019 17:16

@soy he’s quite emotionally closed & can be nasty verbally etc as can’t express his emotions. It just feels suddenly like everything has clicked with this knowing

OP posts:
Bipbopbee · 28/05/2019 17:17

DH is Aspie. Finding out has made things so much better for us not only as a couple but has a whole family. DH is much happier in himself as he has accepted there is a reason for how he is; it is easier for me too to have an explanation, and I am able to be far more sympathetic as a result... as I know things are not his fault. DH does have a huge amount of empathy though, often too much as he feels things very deeply and can feel very low. I try to be his “barometer” so to speak.
I think for a NT and AS relationship to work both partners need to work together.
How does your DP feel about the AQ results?

Original poster
Stripyseagulls · 28/05/2019 17:19

@bipbop I don’t know what he thinks. His typical response is to get angry to be honest & that’s how he has been

OP posts:
Whatdoyouknowwhenyouknownowt · 28/05/2019 17:19

My DH points out I'm entirely the same person now as I was before I got a DX...

He can understand himself better possibly but he isn't ever going to change really.

TheFeet · 28/05/2019 17:19

If you're not happy with him, leave. An Aspergers diagnosis doesn't change who he is - he'll still be the person you aren’t compatible with. These are really two separate issues.

I speak as someone who has several close friends and family who were diagnosed late (and am considering seeking a diagnosis myself - my score was similar to your husband). It might explain some things about them/me but doesn't change who we are.

waspsontoast · 28/05/2019 17:21

How has he accessed this test?

Original poster
Stripyseagulls · 28/05/2019 17:22

@wasps just online. You can do the test for free with a score

OP posts:
Skittlesss · 28/05/2019 17:24

Confused I didn’t know what the test was. So I googled it, did it, and got 36. Shock

Skittlesss · 28/05/2019 17:24

I’m just an introvert though.

Original poster
Stripyseagulls · 28/05/2019 17:25

@skittless I got 13 so very different to DP

OP posts:
waspsontoast · 28/05/2019 17:25

A score on an online test doesn't necessarily mean that he is 'probably aspergers.' He may have some traits in common, but that doesn't mean that he has ASD.

Original poster
Stripyseagulls · 28/05/2019 17:26

@skittless DP is an introvert too so could there be overlaps?

OP posts:
Fortheloveofscience · 28/05/2019 17:26

I score 42 on that test but have never pursued a diagnosis. DH knows my quirks (and will points out privately and with gentle amusement when I completely fail the normal rules of social engagement).

Unless one of the reasons you’re unhappy is because his Aspergers is causing him anxiety, for example, and you expect to access support after diagnosis, then the actual diagnosis doesn’t make any difference. You don’t have to stay with him just there’s a “medical reason” for some of his personality traits.

IceCreamFace · 28/05/2019 17:26

What has it changed? Are there aspects of his personality you thought could change through effort but now you realise are ingrained? I thought this was a nice article.

Skittlesss · 28/05/2019 17:27

I think that there’s more to it than an online test.

I’m an introvert who also has anxiety which means I struggle in social situations. I’m also a geek and notice weird reg plate patterns... etc.

milkshak3 · 28/05/2019 17:28

gosh, nobody is Asperger's.