To not know what to do with the information that DP is probably aspergers

[Stripyseagulls]

DP scored very highly on the AQ test- I don’t know why I never saw it before as I have suspected it but then dismissed it. He scored 37 which is pretty much within aspergers diagnosis. It’s always been a joke that he is very antisocial for example but he also had no empathy. I think he’s entirely not right as a partner for me but we have 2 kids and have been together 19 years. I feel loyalty to him but know in my heart that we aren’t compatible and always have. It’s partly because of the kids I have stayed although I know that’s no reason- I come from a divorced family and it had such a big impact on me growing up that I didn’t want the same for my kids.
But now I don’t know what I want- the knowing has changed things for me in some ways - Aibu? I genuinely don’t know what to do next.

I'm wondering why anyone needs someone else to confirm that he might not have control over certain aspects of himself to make it easier to love them

One of things my partner does is interrupt me and lose focus when I'm talking. He makes heroic efforts to overcome this, but he is not perfect. It is of paramount importance to know that he "might not have control" over this aspect of his personality - without his diagnosis, I would have assumed that he was a rude fuckwit who clearly found me tedious and thought that what I said had no value. It makes it much, much easier to love him to know that this is a result of his condition, not a deliberate choice.

Why didn't you assume that he could be autistic,, may I ask?

She might’ve or might not have.. but having someone validate your feeling helps you accept and move on, especially a professional.

I think you are underestimating the difficulties partners and parents of those with Asperger/autism have to face too.. and that they too need support..

It’s unfair that you expect them to be supernatural.

Internet test diagnosis lol.
If you believe those then you need your head testing not his!
What would happen if you had kids and one of those turned out to be an 'aspie' 🤔

This is essentially what I'm getting at - why not assume the best of someone straight away, if it's your partner or especially your child.
Why do you have to wait for the diagnosis?

Because they’re not just passing them on the street.. they can’t build their entire lives with someone on assumptions...

These are big life decisions for a partner to accept that they would live a life without having empathy reciprocated, or difficulty in processing emotions in the way they associate with love....

For a big shift in someone thinking, you need hardcore facts.

No matter how good hearted and how much you love someone, you will be in a constant battle against yourself about how much “disrespect” you can tolerate... being extremely selfless isn’t always healthy.

Until you are told this isn’t disrespect.. that your partner or child is struggling and what they feel isn’t coming across the right way..

So you can help compensate for that.. and accept to challenge your preconditioned concept of love and empathy., because you love them..

Someone has Aspergers, they aren't Aspergers.

Why didn't you assume that he could be autistic,, may I ask?

He isn't autistic, so that would have been an incorrect assumption.

However, to answer your question - rather than making an assumption, what I did do was ask him (neutrally) about his behaviour. He told me about his diagnosis.

If he had not known about his diagnosis, what most likely would have happened was that he would have apologised, promised not to do it again, failed at that, made me feel like he wasn't interested in my opinions and we'd have split up.

If he had been neurotypical (and just a rude fuckwit) he would have apologised insincerely, done it again and we'd have split up.

So you see that his diagnosis really did help me to understand him and love him. As did my not simply "assuming" his behaviour was down to being neuro diverse. (After all, if he had been neurotypical, I'd have ended up going out with a rude fuckwit and assuming autism. That's not good for anyone).

I guess I think you might just need to talk to them about why they behave the way they do.

This made me laugh! I used to try and talk to him over and over for years. I would get a blank look, if I was lucky I would get an 'I don't know'. He didn't know how to express how he felt or explain why he acted certain ways. He couldn't do it, couldn't engage in conversations about feelings or emotions.
I love when people come up with 'Why didn't you just ask', well fuck me in 10years it never occurred to me to just talk

Mirrivan my DH would be devastated!

@finewords thanks- everything you said made sense to me!

@xichuensis i used to try and talk to him over and over for years. I would get a blank look, if I was lucky I would get an 'I don't know'. He didn't know how to express how he felt or explain why he acted certain ways. He couldn't do it, couldn't engage in conversations about feelings or emotions

This is EXACTLY what my DP is like

Why is he getting angry? I woudln't say that is the case for those with Aspergers.
My DH doesn't engage in conversations about feelings. But I know when he is whatever mood by his actions. I don't talk about emotions either really. I wouldn't say either of us are aspie just undemonstrative and a bit embarrassed (some of the time) due to our upbringing.

I scored 37 in one of those tests, I have adhd though which has crossovers so I agree with others that the test does not make a diagnosis. Also agree that finding out where his difficulties lie may be the key to unlocking where he struggles with things. OTOH if you aren't happy then you don't have to stay, whether he gets a diagnosis or not.

He hasn't changed since you were married he was like this before. Yet you chose him to be your husband out of all the billions of men in the world. So he must have a lot of good points. Perhaps you've just lost sight oglf them?

For fucks sake- having ASD does not equate to having no empathy or behaving like an arsehole.

@MNHQ here we have yet another thread full of people who are absolutely certain that their DPs negative traits can be blamed on them having ASD, because that’s what having ASD is right - it makes you behave like an immature arsehole who has no empathy and can’t talk, or listen, to their partners, funnily enough this doesn’t apply to any of the people with ASD that I know, and importantly, these are people who have been on the pathway and have confirmed diagnoses.

This thread is another example of disablism at its worse and yet it’s always allowed to stand.

It seems to me there is a group of (mainly) men who have social and communication difficulties and have not been diagnosed as having ASD. However, they do have an awful lot of traits similar with autism and could not have been diagnosed when younger as it was barely recognised. They also respond well to communication styles which help people with ASD.

I'm not sure why it's so awful to recognise this phenomenon. These men are not selfish arseholes. They are another entirely separate group. The distinguishing thing about these men is that they have so many fine qualities, but still behave so thoughtlessly at times.

Those of you who say the people diagnosed with ASD that you know are not like this- do you think it's the diagnosis that has made the difference? My DH is certainly far more able to compromise since he has given himself an informal diagnosis.