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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not know what to do with the information that DP is probably aspergers

115 replies

Stripyseagulls · 28/05/2019 17:01

DP scored very highly on the AQ test- I don’t know why I never saw it before as I have suspected it but then dismissed it. He scored 37 which is pretty much within aspergers diagnosis. It’s always been a joke that he is very antisocial for example but he also had no empathy. I think he’s entirely not right as a partner for me but we have 2 kids and have been together 19 years. I feel loyalty to him but know in my heart that we aren’t compatible and always have. It’s partly because of the kids I have stayed although I know that’s no reason- I come from a divorced family and it had such a big impact on me growing up that I didn’t want the same for my kids.
But now I don’t know what I want- the knowing has changed things for me in some ways - Aibu? I genuinely don’t know what to do next.

OP posts:

TheLastNigel · 28/05/2019 17:30

I strongly suspect my dp to have Aspergers-he sounds very similar to your h op.
He won't even entertain thinking about it-gets very angry when I've even mentioned it-so I don't any longer.
A diagnosis would be helpful to me I think-and to him possibly as then we could look at working around some of the aspects that are tricky for us as a couple-at least they would be acknowledged. Currently there isn't even any acknowledgement and I find that pretty tough going.

Original poster

Stripyseagulls · 28/05/2019 17:31

@milkshak I know I phrased my aibu badly in my descriptions

OP posts:

TheLastNigel · 28/05/2019 17:32

I filled that test out with the answers I'm
Fairly sure he'd give. It came out at 39... obviously not an exact science though.

NoBaggyPants · 28/05/2019 17:32

An online test does not equate to "probably aspergers". Autism is a complex diagnosis that looks right back to early childhood as well as more current difficulties.

If you're not happy in the relationship then you can choose to leave. Any possible health condition does not come into it.

Skittlesss · 28/05/2019 17:39

I think it’s a poor excuse to leave and to be quite honest, I would be devastated if I now told my DH the results I just got from the same test and then he went onto an online forum talking about leaving me because of it.

Original poster

Stripyseagulls · 28/05/2019 17:41

@skitless I get what you are saying. I am just trying to work it out and seek advice on here too as I find mumsnet useful because of the anonymous nature of it to talk about difficult stuff & get opinions

OP posts:

TinklyLittleLaugh · 28/05/2019 17:45

I would say it was less of a reason to leave if anything. Surely it means his behaviour is mot malicious and you can try some strategies to minimise the effects?

JanMeyer · 28/05/2019 17:53

Scoring highly on the AQ doesn't mean a person is "probably Aspergers."
For one thing a person can't "be Aspergers." You can have it, you can be autistic. But a person can not be Aspergers or ASD.
You can't leap to conclusions and say it's within the range for a diagnosis of Aspergers, that's for an appropriately qualified medical professional to decide.

Xichuensis · 28/05/2019 17:53

When my dh got his ASD diagnosis was when I decided I was going to leave. We got together young and I matured but he never did. I kept waiting for it to happen but once he got his diagnosis I knew it never would. He is a perfectly fine friend but he isn't able to deal with things when the shit hits the fan. I'd rather be alone than feel alone in a relationship.

Ignoremeiaminvisible · 28/05/2019 17:59

I'm sure most of the comments so far are not actually helping much. It is a big thing to come to terms with. I would say give it time, you will be feeling confused at the moment and trying to make sense of things that have happened in the past, and things happening now. I think you need to do a lot of reading round the subject, it will help. Give yourself time to work out what you want out of the relationship, whether the diagnosis changes things or not. If he is on the autistic spectrum there are certain things you can change which can make day to day living easier, I've have found with less expectation from me my partner is more relaxed in social situations. For example at a social gathering giving them the option of leaving if they are overwhelmed, and letting them know you are happy with that. BUT if they are unwilling to work with you then it will always be more difficult. Please give yourself and him time to reflect on this, it may take him a long time to process the information, so any decision needs to be taken slowly and with knowledge (unless obviously you feel staying is untenable due to abuse). Sending you strength and hugs, I've been there.

iano · 28/05/2019 18:11

Well I'd be angry too if I did an online test and my partner then jumped to conclusions about me.
It's a FREE online test! Honestly, I don't think it's going to be very scientific.
Either way, if you want to leave your husband you should. Just don't blame it on the results of an online test though.

NoBaggyPants · 28/05/2019 18:21

@Ignoremeiaminvisible There is nothing to come to terms with!

Hawkmoth · 28/05/2019 18:27

The test is a screening test, not a diagnostic test. It shows whether it may or may not be worth seeking a referral for professional assessment.

JanMeyer · 28/05/2019 18:38

@Ignoremeiaminvisible There is nothing to come to terms with!

Exactly, this thread is mumsnet armchair diagnosing at it's worst. What should she come to terms with exactly, the fact her partner took an autism screening test and scored 37?
The guy hasn't even had an assessment let alone a diagnosis and some people are talking about it like it's a foregone conclusion.
That's the one thing that ticks me off about the "does my partner/child have Aspergers" threads, the way people say "do you/they want to pursue a diagnosis?"
Surely it's an assessment they're pursuing, not a diagnosis. It's up to the professionals if a person meets the criteria or not, people can be convinced they have something, doesn't mean they do though.

sussexmum · 28/05/2019 18:41

I went out with an undiagnosed aspie for a bit. ive done loads of reading on it, not sure it's helpful to quibble with diagnosis firstly, maybe we should take op's "it just clicked' at face value. I remember reading that in some instances dp's end up with ptsd and that there is very little research done on the effect of being married to someone on the spectrum, everything is focussed on the autie. if he's willing to take it further and get a proper diagnosis and help that would be better for you but if he doesn't then yes you need to think of strategies for yourself, maybe counselling and maybe he'll follow suit after the initial shock has worn off and he's had a chance to compute this in a sympathetic atmosphere. lots of maybes though, I feel for you

Icandothisallday · 28/05/2019 18:42

OP do you have any idea what you have to do to get a diagnosis.

One test, off the internet, does not a diagnosis make.

woollyheart · 28/05/2019 18:45

It sounds like he has some personality traits that you don't like.

If you are unhappy because he is often angry, that is fine. Being angry all the time and unwilling to talk about it might be enough to end the relationship. Is he angry because you routinely expect him to do things he is not comfortable with or doesn't understand the necessity for? He may also be introverted and you may feel that is not what you want from your partner.

But he is the same person he was before he took this test. He may not need help or treatment if he is coping reasonably well with life. You however may have realised that you have some expectations of him that are not realistic, and that he may think about things in a different way to you.

If you can use this new understanding positively for you both, that would be wonderful for both of you and your children.
But if you are thinking he is faulty and needs to get himself fixed, then you will probably be disappointed.

IABUQueen · 28/05/2019 18:46

If I found out my husband was Asperger it would give me validation that no matter that some of his lacking social skills aren’t personal and that he loves me in his unique way.. it’s not a reason to leave someone you love, but instead starts giving you an explanation.

I feel sad that you are holding his diagnosis against him. You can say you can’t cope with it but that’s not his fault?.

FriarTuck · 28/05/2019 18:47

I would say it was less of a reason to leave if anything. Surely it means his behaviour is not malicious and you can try some strategies to minimise the effects?
This ^^. Try doing some reading about it to help understand him better. Even if he doesn't have autism, some of the answers he gave to the questions may help you to understand what makes him tick more so that instead of judging his behaviour you can help change anything that can be changed to make it easier, just the same as you would if he had hearing problems that made him angry because he couldn't hear what you were saying, or if he had mobility issues that meant he couldn't walk for miles but you loved hiking.

IlluminatiParty · 28/05/2019 18:48

Not sure what to say but your post did resonate with me. My son's ASD diagnosis confirmed in my head that XH was also, we are long divorced so not my problem but the emotional disconnect, inability to put himself in other people's shoes or consider feelings were just impossible to reconcile at the time. I'm trying to help my son mirror more sensitive behaviour even though it's not intuitive to him to do so, we bloody love him just the way he is and now we understand why he IS the way he is we/he can be open about it and it really helps explains his responses to other people. Knowledge is power after all. Maybe if I'd just known XH saw the world the way my son does I'd have been able to work with that it's just a shame that ship has sailed!

picklemepopcorn · 28/05/2019 18:50

When my DH did that test, watched some tv programmes and decided he almost certainly fit the criteria (can't get assessed in my area, we tried) he felt much better. It took a while, but it's been easier for us to reach accommodation over certain things.

He's realised that it's not reasonable to assume that because he's always right then I ought to agree with him and just go along. He's much more able to cope with changes because he can say at work that change is hard for him, and I can remind him that change is hard for him when he is getting worked up about something relatively minor.

Give yourself and him time to work through the implications.

iano · 28/05/2019 18:51

@sussexmum can you link to a source for that fact. That is a very damaging thing to say without evidence and research to back you up.
The OP having a feeling is not the same as a diagnosis from a professional. That's a fact!

picklemepopcorn · 28/05/2019 18:53

I've sent you a pm @Stripyseagulls

NoBaggyPants · 28/05/2019 18:58

I went out with an undiagnosed aspie for a bit.

What you mean is:

I went out with a man with traits that someone on the autistic spectrum may or may not have.

I went out with a man.

sussexmum · 28/05/2019 19:00

my friend is married to an aspie and they received counselling and have a strategy to cope. yes she fell in love with him and all his personality traits (pre diagnisis) and still loves him. they don't share a bedroom anymore though, although they have 'agreed' visits arranged, and their lives have to be extremely "managed" which impacts on spontaneity, child noise, travel etc.

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