To not know what to do with the information that DP is probably aspergers

[Stripyseagulls]

DP scored very highly on the AQ test- I don’t know why I never saw it before as I have suspected it but then dismissed it. He scored 37 which is pretty much within aspergers diagnosis. It’s always been a joke that he is very antisocial for example but he also had no empathy. I think he’s entirely not right as a partner for me but we have 2 kids and have been together 19 years. I feel loyalty to him but know in my heart that we aren’t compatible and always have. It’s partly because of the kids I have stayed although I know that’s no reason- I come from a divorced family and it had such a big impact on me growing up that I didn’t want the same for my kids.
But now I don’t know what I want- the knowing has changed things for me in some ways - Aibu? I genuinely don’t know what to do next.

I went out with an undiagnosed aspie for a bit. ive done loads of reading on it, not sure it's helpful to quibble with diagnosis firstly, maybe we should take op's "it just clicked' at face value. I remember reading that in some instances dp's end up with ptsd and that there is very little research done on the effect of being married to someone on the spectrum, everything is focussed on the autie.

Doing "loads of reading on it" doesn't make you an expert though, nor does it make you qualified to decide if someone has Aspergers or not. And gee, imagine that, most of the research focusing on the person who has the actual fucking disability.
And unless you have autism or Aspergers don't use terms like "Aspie" or "Autie."

You encapsulate one my pet hates, that is women who decide that their partner has Aspergers because he behaves like a jerk/is antisocial/is blunt and rude etc.....
And then spend all their time whining about how awful it is to be with an "Aspie." Without of course actually knowing if their partner really is autistic. But no, sure, you can tell because you "read loads about it."

Your advice is insane, for what other medical condition would you tell people not to "quibble about diagnosis?"
No, you're right we should leave it to people like you to decide if someone is autistic or not, since you think reading a few books and internet articles is enough to know if someone is autistic or not.

If I found out my husband was Asperger it would give me validation that no matter that some of his lacking social skills aren’t personal and that he loves me in his unique way.. it’s not a reason to leave someone you love, but instead starts giving you an explanation. I feel sad that you are holding his diagnosis against him. You can say you can’t cope with it but that’s not his fault?.

Can people not even read the opening post before commenting? She's not holding his diagnosis against him because he DOES NOT HAVE ONE. He took a screeing test on the internet, that's not a diagnosis for god's sake. And once again, a person cannot "be Asperger." You have Aspergers, no-one can be it.

Can people not even read the opening post before commenting? She's not holding his diagnosis against him because he DOES NOT HAVE ONE. He took a screeing test on the internet, that's not a diagnosis for god's sake. And once again, a person cannot "be Asperger." You have Aspergers, no-one can be it.

Gee you need to chill.

I can remind him that change is hard for him when he is getting worked up about something relatively minor.
That's nice. And that's how it should be. Understanding, on both sides, and working together.

just saying what I read, I'm not going to comb through my sources like you're a prof in a viver. this lady needs sympathy and understanding but i'm sorry if ive offended you. everyone is unique and different and has an equal right to a good quality of life, but dps of auties deserve to have their story heard.

Gee you need to chill.

And you need to learn to read. I mean why bother commenting on a thread if you don't bother to read even the first post properly?
I know people on here might not read an OP's updates, but come on, the first post? Because there's a huge difference between taking a screening test and getting an actual medical diagnosis of Aspergers.

It might be worth talking to your DP about seeing the GP to get assessed.
There's a good group on Facebook "different together" for AS and NT couples.

My son was diagnosed Male good few years ago now, with aspergers

While getting a diagnosis is very difficult, I am bit fed up of poor behaviour being excused with 'probably' autism.

And people who have 'read loads' acting like they know it all.

just saying what I read, I'm not going to comb through my sources like you're a prof in a viver. this lady needs sympathy and understanding but i'm sorry if ive offended you. everyone is unique and different and has an equal right to a good quality of life, but dps of auties deserve to have their story heard.

Partners of people who actually have a diagnosis of ASD should be listened to. Not people like you who have decided you're an expert because you've read a load of books and proclaim you dated an undiagnosed Aspie.

I went out with an undiagnosed aspie for a bit. ive done loads of reading on it

Really? You dated someone for a bit who may or may not have had Aspergers.......and read some books?

I went out with an undiagnosed aspie for a bit. ive done loads of reading on it

Give me strength

Why does the diagnosis matter? It baffles me

I think a diagnosis can be really important - it confirms that these aspects of a person are highly unlikely to change and allows both parties to proceed on that basis. That may mean "I realise my partners actions are not out of thoughtlessness or malice, and we can both take steps to make each other happier" or it may mean "I realise these aspects of my partner are not going to significantly change, no matter how hard either of us tries. I don't think we can make each other happy and should think about separating".

The OP didn't come on here saying "I'm blissfully happy with my partner, but now there's a chance he may be on the autistic spectrum. Should I leave him because of that?" She said "my partner is extremely challenging to live with, and I am unhappy. If it wasn't for the children, I would have left a long time ago. Now I realise some of his behaviour may be because he is neuro diverse, and hence very unlikely to change those challenging aspects. What should I do? "

Wouldn't the 19 years they've spent together also have been a clue to that?
I'm not against getting an official diagnosis - especially having seen the difference it can make to someone's self acceptance. It just makes me shudder to see how often partners and, even worse, parents need it to be able to fully accept someone.
Just love them anyway!

Depends if the challenging behaviour has been causing disrespect to the partner or parent...

You wouldn’t accept disrespect from your son and partner and say “love them anyway”... but having a diagnosis might change your interpretation of the behaviour and see it as not personal and not disrespectful... not dismissive... not emotionally neglectful...

Not personal... and so you might deal with the situation lesss sensitively.

I think a diagnosis makes a difference

Diagnosis will help him understand and you deal with the way he is. I had to learn to adapt how I approach dp. How he gets overwhelmed with too much info. Hes also had to work on himself, he had counselling to teach him normal responses and deal with anger.

Tbh our children are diagnosed and we have had to teach them how they feel is ok and to manage their reactions due to asd as they have to function in normal work. We had to work hard on social norms, other peoples feelings, appropriate responses

Wouldn't the 19 years they've spent together also have been a clue to that?

Well, yes, but the OP wouldn't be the first person to think "my partner is young, I'm sure he will change in a few years /when the children come along /when he finally realises how unhappy his behaviour makes me, etc". I'm not saying that's a good idea (never assume someone is going to magically change and then everything will be fine) but it is not uncommon.

It also may be that his behaviour has got more pronounced as he gets older (again, not uncommon) or that now they have children she has less energy to adjust around him. She may have spent many years hoping this is an issue they can "work through" and compromise on, and now realises that is unlikely to happen.

It just makes me shudder to see how often partners and, even worse, parents need it to be able to fully accept someone.
Just love them anyway!

My partner is neuro diverse and it is really hard at times. I'm afraid I don't "just love him anyway" - he is an adult and this is an adult relationship. Unconditional love is not on the cards here. Knowing his diagnosis is hugely important in that I accept that certain things are harder for him, and that he is not being cruel or dismissive but if we reach a point where these aspects outweigh the good in our relationship, we will probably separate.

It just makes me shudder to see how often partners and, even worse, parents need it to be able to fully accept someone.

That ridiculous. My sons diagnosis meant I could access support to support him. That's why it was important.

I totally understand where your coming from op. My husband sounds the same as yours and we've been together 19 years and have 2 kids. He's very emotionally blank and we've had some really hard stuff to deal with that's he's been crap at. I suppose I've looked past it because he has positive qualities but im finding the lack of empathy exhausting. I think a diagnosis would be the end for me too as it would signal that nothing will ever improve. He's never going to be able to have a real conversation about certain sensitive things, he will always be as he is and I don't particularly enjoy being around him. Not everyone can live with someone with such a condition and you shouldn't beat yourself up about it.

I'm not saying unconditional love is needed for a partner, I'm wondering why anyone needs someone else to confirm that he might not have control over certain aspects of himself to make it easier to love them.

I mean... love grows and dies with respect or lack of. Unless you have a confirmation that something is biological and not intentional, how are you meant to treat a certain behaviour as an anomaly and not take offence, hence not letting the love diminish?

It’s not fair to minimise the fact partners can be affected and that they too need support, which can be accessed once a diagnosis is reached

Did you also need it to help you accept your son?

I needed help to accept my son would have a far more difficult life I needed help to accept that it wasnt about fairness or what I did while pregnant. I needed help to accept that no matter what I did, I could improve life but I could make it as easy as my NT daughters life.

And it's not different issues. An adult diagnosis can have the same impact. Get Support for those around the person to understand more.

I'm not saying unconditional love is needed for a partner, I'm wondering why anyone needs someone else to confirm that he might not have control over certain aspects of himself to make it easier to love them.

Because when you tell someone that your father has died and they go oh and then go back to looking at their phone you think god what a cruel, heartless bastard.
If you know they have autism you might know that they aren't heartless they just don't know how to react in a situation that is entirely new to them. My husband used to get so paralysed with indecision, not knowing that the right thing to do or say was that he couldn't do anything at all. If it was anyone else sat there ignoring me as my world fell apart I would say what a cunt but with him I would direct him on what to do.