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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My husband has come up with a great idea ...

108 replies

WonderWorm · 28/05/2019 10:39

to continue smoking.

I'm due to give birth soon and it was promised that he'd quit before baby arrival due to sids risk and we'd spoken about this numerous times.
After not bothering for the months leading up to the birth and me asking repeatedly when he'd quit I was given a date.

I stupidly joked today about him not having long and I hoped he was going to cope seeing as He's not cut down at all. To which he flew off the handle ranting at me about my terrible behaviour and that he's going to quit but the second I have a glass of wine or beer he's going to start again.
When I asked how the two were related he informed me that he was having to give up something he enjoyed and so I had to as well.... I pointed out that a glass of wine wasn't going to give our kids chest infections/ear issues or sids and that I had already quit during pregnancy as well as all the other horrors this pregnancy has thrown at me and he's done absolutely nothing except continue to drink beer/smoke like a chimney/roll his eyes when im struggling.

So aibu to think that if you're going to just sit waiting like a creep for your wife to fail or wait for some perceived indescretion then you may as well leave now. This just screams 'i don't want to quit and need an excuse'.

OP posts:
SpinachnRicotta · 28/05/2019 10:43

Ugh, what a horrible attitude. Doesn't he share your concerns about your baby's health / life? Why on earth should his behaviour be dependent on you also suffering? Sounds a nasty piece of work; I'd be apprehensive about parenting with somebody so unkind.

Thehop · 28/05/2019 10:46

What ricotta said

Original poster
WonderWorm · 28/05/2019 10:49

I'm very apprehensive about parenting with him.
He's been vile since I have asked. Each time has been a drama where I basically get told to fuck off and stop nagging. But i have said you can't be around the baby if you smoke and so you are therefore useless to me after birth as you'll not be able to help.

I've been anxious all pregnancy for various reasons. He doesn't look interested at all in the baby even though it's very much a planned child.

The only reason I kept asking was because I needed to know what his plan for quitting was... And I really don't want to go through another horrible labour experience like last time and then with someone stinking of cigarettes/coughing all over me. Last year he had pneumonia so it's a real concern.

I feel like this uninterested petty stranger is going to be at my birth even though he's done jack shit to support the pregnancy.

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 28/05/2019 10:49

he's done absolutely nothing except continue to drink beer/smoke like a chimney/roll his eyes when im struggling

Why on earth are you with this man?

SoupDragon · 28/05/2019 10:49

He's a dick.

Although, to be slightly understanding, he is also basically an addict. It's hard to give up smoking (I believe)

SoupDragon · 28/05/2019 10:50

Is his attitude usually like this or is it just about the smoking?

ImNotNigel · 28/05/2019 10:52

Why are you with him ?

Does he smoke in the house or car where you other childcare are ?

hormonesorDHbeingadick · 28/05/2019 10:52

Is he smoking in the house?

hormonesorDHbeingadick · 28/05/2019 10:52

Not that it is acceptable for him to smoking at all with a newborn.

IvanaPee · 28/05/2019 10:54

So this is your second child with him?

I’m willing to bet he’s always been a prick.

Why are you with this prince among men?

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 28/05/2019 10:55

I don’t think it’s acceptable to smoke around a pregnant woman, especially if they’re carrying your baby. He’s being a complete shit. I would honestly think about asking him to move out.

Original poster
WonderWorm · 28/05/2019 10:56

I'm starting to wonder. Last year he was great when I had a family situation and was supportive. I did end up using wine to cope with some of the absolute hell the year threw at me (parents both incredibly unwell and miles away/miscarriage/work stress) to which I immediately stopped and spoke with my doctor and took time off work to help with the terrible stress/pulled myself together before this pregnancy.
Now that's being thrown in my face as an excuse for him to smoke, being called an alcoholic etc (parents are still unwell and i have really struggled to stay as calm as possible until after birth for the sake of the baby).

It's just horrible.

OP posts:
IvanaPee · 28/05/2019 11:00

Where was your older child though, when this was happening?

MirriVan · 28/05/2019 11:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MissLadyM · 28/05/2019 11:03

Horrible man. I don't know why you're with him. You have a battle on your hands as he clearly wants to keep smoking more than care for you and your baby.

ReanimatedSGB · 28/05/2019 11:03

Thing is, you don't get to order someone to stop smoking. It's not up to you whether he smokes or not. Yeah yeah, smoking is awful and terrible and all the rest of it, but it's also recognised as a very hard addiction to break - and no addict gives up just because someone else tells them to.

Can you agree on a compromise such as: he does not smoke in the house and washes his hands/changes his clothes before handling the baby? Also, for all the hysteria about second-hand smoke, while it's not great it's also not immediately lethal: children survived when loads of people smoked constantly in their homes.

BlackeyedGruesome · 28/05/2019 11:04

you may not get to decide whether he gives up smoling, but you do get to decide whether want to stiull live with him or not.

WhoKnewBeefStew · 28/05/2019 11:07

If he smokes in the house that will have to stop once the baby arrives. You also breath out smoke yo to two hours after you’ve had a cigarette so he won’t/shouldn’t go close to his dc during this time. Tbh his attitude stinks! I smoked for nearly 20 years so know how difficult it is to stop, however I like to think I wasn’t an arsehole about it - which he is being

Weenurse · 28/05/2019 11:07

My DH was a complete ass when I was pregnant, especially with DD2. I had all day sickness and he thought it was funny to block my way to the toilet as I was going to throw up.
No sympathy from him with the all day sickness and he really behaved badly.
4 years later he ended up being a stay at home Dad for 12 months and this was the making of him as a parent. Took over all the household organising apart from medical stuff.
20 years later and he admits how bad he was and is embarrassed when he looks back.
Remind him that this is a shared decision and he needs to hold up his end of the bargain.
I was the smoker and gave up to get pregnant, hardest thing I ever did.
Be as understanding as you can and get him to seek help from GP and Quit lines.
Good luck

Original poster
WonderWorm · 28/05/2019 11:10

I went to stay with my parents as they were ill so other child was with him/at school I couldn't take them with me into that situation. He was amazing and looked after dc and was supportive. I was using wine to help me sleep not out partying and when I saw it was potentially becoming an issue I stopped immediately and havent had any since.

He's apologised but I'm terrified that this is a glimpse of things to come.

OP posts:
lottiegarbanzo · 28/05/2019 11:10

Well, addiction is awful - but that hits you when you stop, not before. (Has he stopped before, struggled and knows how it will feel? Surely all the more reason to get it out of the way before being thrown into parenting a baby). I was going to trot out the 'men don't understand about babies until they're actually here' line but I see this isn't your first. (And, not 'getting' that it's a real baby does not excuse behaving horribly to real, suffering wife).

So, from what you've said, I would tell him he is not welcome at the birth. I might also go straight to an ultimatum - he give up properly before term (37 weeks), or he's out.

You can choose not to put his name on the birth cert. That way he can't claim parental rights and breath smoke on your baby every other weekend. You might not be able to claim child support though (I may be wrong about this). So check facts and make an informed choice.

lottiegarbanzo · 28/05/2019 11:13

Oh hang on he's 'D'H not DP, so would be recognised as the father.

IvanaPee · 28/05/2019 11:14

Right so you weren’t negatively impacting your child’s or your husband’s life then?

And when YOU thought you were having too much YOU put a stop to it?

That’s not a stick he can beat you with (not that he should have anyway), so he gets no “moral high ground” there.

He really, truly sounds a nasty piece of work.

Lweji · 28/05/2019 11:14

You'll have to define what you're prepared to accept or not.
Ultimately, it could be for him to choose to smoke, but not live with you, or to live with you but quit smoking. Or somewhere in the middle where he doesn't smoke in the house.

What are your personal boundaries?

Original poster
WonderWorm · 28/05/2019 11:15

He smokes outside. It's the sheer amount and cost incurred that annoys me the most. His health is terrible and it has exacerbated numerous conditions by smoking. He agreed to stop then started to get angry each time I've asked what the plan is. I have had to stop and I am stressed.

OP posts: