My husband has come up with a great idea ...

[WonderWorm]

to continue smoking.

I'm due to give birth soon and it was promised that he'd quit before baby arrival due to sids risk and we'd spoken about this numerous times.
After not bothering for the months leading up to the birth and me asking repeatedly when he'd quit I was given a date.

I stupidly joked today about him not having long and I hoped he was going to cope seeing as He's not cut down at all. To which he flew off the handle ranting at me about my terrible behaviour and that he's going to quit but the second I have a glass of wine or beer he's going to start again.
When I asked how the two were related he informed me that he was having to give up something he enjoyed and so I had to as well.... I pointed out that a glass of wine wasn't going to give our kids chest infections/ear issues or sids and that I had already quit during pregnancy as well as all the other horrors this pregnancy has thrown at me and he's done absolutely nothing except continue to drink beer/smoke like a chimney/roll his eyes when im struggling.

So aibu to think that if you're going to just sit waiting like a creep for your wife to fail or wait for some perceived indescretion then you may as well leave now. This just screams 'i don't want to quit and need an excuse'.

He can vape and has previously used tablets but they don't agree with him and he becomes even more miserable. I tolerated the smoking when it was a few at work or after dc in bed but it's become so extreme now that even friends who stay comment on how many he smokes.

He's very stressed and works hard in a demanding job and so unfortunately this has become his crutch.

The smoking is gross and everything that comes with it but what's agitated me most today is being told he'll sit and wait and delight in me failing so that he can simply smoke again as if it's me punishing him.
I agree it's classic addict behaviour. It's terrifying what addictions do to people.

Feel very sympathetic as have been in similar with two ex partners. I agree with all the pp that it's very toxic literally and emotionally.

Looking back all the tit for tat childish crap and punishment from those men were the biggest indicator that those relationships were absolutely beyond repair. Everything else has already been said. I'm a happy kind oarent of 7 years and I left ex during dd2 pregnancy.

You're flogging a dead horse, Wonder. You will not change him. Your mistake was even starting a relationship with him.

what's agitated me most today is being told he'll sit and wait and delight in me failing so that he can simply smoke again as if it's me punishing him.

You cannot be in a partnership with that.

You cannot co-parent with that.

He's gone way beyond being able to give up, so I really honestly think the choice is to live in a miserable combative unsupportive relationship while watching your DC's health be put at risk, or simply separating.

I am so sorry, the way you describe the smell and the way it makes you feel really reminds me of how I felt with several family members when I was a child. It drives such a wedge, to feel sick when you smell them come near. Your DC will grow to feel the same.

My MIL died two years ago from a long term condition that was 100% exacerbated by her smoking. Her doctors begged her to stop smoking for years but she said it was her last joy in life. She was 51

I smoked for twelve years and after seeing how she left this world, I'd never touch another cigarette. Your DH is being selfish as fuck

My MIL died a horrible death from lung cancer after saying cigarettes were her only pleasure, her 9 grandchildren she loved dearly disagreed with this.

We just smoke outside, all this namby pamby stuff is bollocks

Links to peer reviewed studies please. 🙄

So much of this sounds familiar. In my case it was weed smoking, booze etc. I put so much energy into him, trying to get him to change his addictive behaviour, getting so upset and not understanding why he didn't want to change. People only change if they want to. It's painful and frustrating. My only advice would be to try and accept it's his decision, keep your baby safe obviously and pore your energy into your children. I'm not saying his behaviour is right, far from it but I know hoe depleting it can be to be constantly banging your head against a brick wall. Focus on your baby and let's hope he shapes himself

To the people saying that smoking when you have kids isn't that bad - I'm assuming you missed the memo that in 89% of all SIDS cases one of the parents smokes? And in plenty of these cases the parents "only" smoke outside away from their children.

It's not "namby pamby bollocks", it's avoiding doing something unnecessary that might kill your baby. Not to mention all the long term health problems it can cause the children who do live through it. Stop being so selfish and stupid and actually read the statistics before spouting such nonsense. If you're going to smoke when you have young children you need to accept responsibility for all of these things.

I wouldn’t allow anyone to smoke around my newborn. Period. Safe sleep guidelines are drilled into you with a new baby. I would not be deviating from them to keep my DH satisfied.