My husband has come up with a great idea ...

[WonderWorm]

to continue smoking.

I'm due to give birth soon and it was promised that he'd quit before baby arrival due to sids risk and we'd spoken about this numerous times.
After not bothering for the months leading up to the birth and me asking repeatedly when he'd quit I was given a date.

I stupidly joked today about him not having long and I hoped he was going to cope seeing as He's not cut down at all. To which he flew off the handle ranting at me about my terrible behaviour and that he's going to quit but the second I have a glass of wine or beer he's going to start again.
When I asked how the two were related he informed me that he was having to give up something he enjoyed and so I had to as well.... I pointed out that a glass of wine wasn't going to give our kids chest infections/ear issues or sids and that I had already quit during pregnancy as well as all the other horrors this pregnancy has thrown at me and he's done absolutely nothing except continue to drink beer/smoke like a chimney/roll his eyes when im struggling.

So aibu to think that if you're going to just sit waiting like a creep for your wife to fail or wait for some perceived indescretion then you may as well leave now. This just screams 'i don't want to quit and need an excuse'.

He doesn’t want to quit and therefore “trying” won’t work.

I was a bit of a smoker and like overeating and drinking too much ( both also failings of mine) you do need to want to give them up. I haven’t missed the habit of having a couple a day but I do ( very) occasionally ponce a fag in the pub. It hasn’t felt onerous.My other half gave up after smoking since 16 and doesn’t miss it.Its really a state of mind.

So having said that, what do you want to do about it? Move on from someone who doesn’t care enough to change which feels scary or stay and hope things improve whilst feeling resentful?

Also, for all the hysteria about second-hand smoke, while it's not great it's also not immediately lethal: children survived when loads of people smoked constantly in their homes

I am one of those children, both parents smoked in the house and the car. We used to beg them to stop. I hated smelling of smoke, their smokey breath when they talked to me. Fucking awful.

Nothing worse in this world than holding your Mum's hand through chemotherapy for her lung cancer and then watching her leave this world hacking through those glorious cancer riddled lungs knowing that this was self inflicted.

For those saying it is hard to stop, yes of course it must be. But my Mum did manage it (before the cancer diagnosis) and after 40 years of smoking at least 20 superking black a day. She would light a cigarette before she got out of bed in the morning, literally after she had opened her eyes.

I couldn't be with a smoker ever. But women have to quit in their pregnancy to put their baby first. He should quit too.

Wow he sounds awful! My DH was a 30 a day smoker but as soon as we found out I was pregnant he stopped smoking around me and he quit properly 4 months before our baby was born. He moved onto a vape and has slowly weaned himself off the nicotine. Is this something your husband would consider? Does he realise he will have to change his clothes every time he has a cigarette and that he will have to stay away from the baby for a good length of time after each one?

Although your husband's attitude stinks,smoking is a hard addiction to break and he's got to want to give up for himself not because you are nagging him to. So as long as he's not smoking in the house you're going to have to put up or shut up I'm afraid, and just hope that when he claps eyes on his precious child he will realise what's important and give up of his own accord.

I wqs diagnosed with asthma as an adult. Dps +dgm smoked around me.
I would be honest with mw/hv and ask for leaflets to show him the risks of SIDS. Or he can move out..
He isn't worth risking your baby for.

I've said he'd need to leave as it was a condition of the pregnancy to not be smoking and putting our dc lives at risk.
If I was to go light up outside he'd be furious so why just because I'm pregnant do I have to do all the sacrificing/hard work.
I've said he doesn't get to do no support through pregnancy then demand equal rights once they're out.

He's just come and apologised which is a start and we need to have a chat about what this means to us both.

Does he smoke around the child you already have?

I must admit, I find this one of the more awful "unthinking" things parents do to kids. (I know there are much worse things in terms of actual abuse and neglect)

There is a family of 5 at our school - all the children were born prem. The father always holds them when they're newborns and smokes at the same time, and drives them all in the car whilst smoking. It's horrible to see, but they are a scary family and no-one dares say anything. The children are all very small for their age - neither parent is.

I think vices (and we all have them) are ok as long as they don't affect others. So if your alcohol intake consistently affects your ability to parent, it's a problem. If you are drinking a bottle of wine after the kids have gone to bed to cope with things, it's terrible for your body, but not going to impact on the kids, unless you're so hungover that you can't function the next day.

Same with smoking. If you are able to limit your smoking to outside, well away from the kids, and wash/change clothes before you go near them, terrible for your body but not a massive problem for the kids (although I don't know anyone who smokes who does this for more than the first few weeks, then they always lapse). If you inflict it on the kids it's awful, and could give them breathing issues (asthma etc) for life.

It would be a deal breaker for me.

I was a casual smoker so am aware that it isnt easy. I don't want to ever smoke again. The only reason it happened again last time was due to my weakness/stress and him delighting in offering me cigarettes so that he could start up again as I wouldn't be able to complain as I technically smoked. He's also the only person who buys alcohol in the house for me...so that was a low blow when he supplies the stuff.

Does he smoke around the child you already have?

Yes, this is what I can’t work out.

It seems he has been doing this all along so it was okay for your first but not for your second? I’m confused.

So you've stopped yourself, OP? Because of the pregnancy?

I get the impression that you may have had a go at him for smoking pre-pregnancy as well, but are using the baby as a reason to ask him to stop again.

Thing is, it's up to him to stop, not you. He hasn't reacted well so far but you don't have that much influence here.

I would suggest that both of you stop issuing ultimatums tbh! It's not making it easier for anyone here to issue threats about drinking, smoking or leaving. The atmosphere must be dreadful, I hope the talk is helpful for you both.

He doesn't smoke technically around dc but he stinks as he smokes so many. So If he enters a room it's overwhelmingly obvious. If ever I had a few casual cigarettes when dc went to bed (never drank or smoked through the day) I'd wear a giant hooded coat to keep it off me and shower before bed. I never want to start again as it's revolting. I didnt smoke last pregnancy or while breastfeeding etc.

I've said he doesn't get to do no support through pregnancy then demand equal rights once they're out.

How ridiculous- he has equal rights as the child’s parent. You chose to get pregnant knowing he smokes, you already have a child who he presumably smokes around so you knew having children isn’t enough of a motivator for him to stop.

Tbh it sounds like you’re pissed off that he can do as he pleases where you need to make accommodations for being pregnant. It may be worth accepting you can’t control his behaviour and agreeing a compromise- eg that he doesn’t smoke around the kids, that he washes his hands and brushes his teeth after smoking and before handling the baby.

He will see plenty of pg women smoking outside the hospital if he comes to antenatal appointments with you, sadly.

He quit with the last pregnancy and did well but then just started hiding it and pretending he wasn't smoking then He just couldn't be bothered to pretend after a year or so. It's awful smelling it constantly wafting in from outside the front door or him just being in the room.

Im annoyed because we agreed to something. Then the second im pregnant it's like oh I don't need to do that now and I'll abuse you everytime you mention it.

If I'd just announced when pregnant that he had to quit or he was no longer allowed to drink or ever leave the house again then I'd understand that it would have been unfair to just come up with conditions. But we agreed and now I'm having all sorts of crap thrown at me and made out as though he's going to be sitting in wait for any indescretions he deems worthy of getting his lighter out. That's more disturbing than just saying I'm struggling to quit and I need help'. He's got vapes and all sorts. He uses them all day if we are at the hospital and the second he comes home he's lighting a cigarette.

You have a petulant manchild on your hands, unfortunately. I doubt if he'll ever improve his attitude, either.

I am with jellycats on this. Sticking to the smoking issue alone, you can't really control him you can just control the effect on your kids. It is his problem and it is only in his power. It is very stressful trying to make an addict do the right thing and stop altogether. Splitting up will also be very stressful if that is truly what you are considering.
I would insist that he smokes out of sight and out of the house. I don't know about the inhaler things, but are they cheaper and less pongy? They also might be a concession.
My partner used to smoke, when our oldest was 5 was when he eventually properly quit, but until then he was always going to stop 'soon'.

Whether he is generally unkind and thoughtless enabling your drinking and smoking etc or what he has said was in the heat of an argument is another matter.

If he doesn’t want to quit, you really can’t make him. Although, he should want to.

why don’t you compromise - no smoking say an hour before coming into the house ?

Sorry, just x-posted about the vapes.

Why has it been fine for you both to smoke around the first child but it’s not acceptable for the second?

Jelly I am pissed off and not trying to control his behaviour. Im genuinely concerned that after getting pneumonia and various other ailments that have occurred, that I'll be left holding the baby while he says imcan smoke because you had a glass of wine.
He's already announced he won't be doing any night feeds/settling, hasn't looked at all interested in the pregnancy but i can guarantee he'd be the first to demand overnights and a 50/50 split if we weren't together...even though he has no intention of an equal split and equal sacrifices now.

I'd never stop him seeing the dc. That was never my intention with that statement. Just pointing out the hilarious notion that it's equal rights once baby is here even though you've not contributed while it's being made.

I've never smoked around my child.
I might have had a glass of wine and cigarette when they were in bed after everything is done for the day (not that this is great and I have also completely stopped). As in a few a month, as opposed to someone smoking 30+ per day constantly disappearing from the house at all times to stand outside smoking.

SoupDragon Tue 28-May-19 10:49:43
He's a dick.

Although, to be slightly understanding, he is also basically an addict. It's hard to give up smoking (I believe)

It isn't when there are other factors involved, such as your child's life. I have smoked since I was 11 (I'm now 37). I got up one morning and did an internet cheapie with a vague faint line. I didn't smoke all day even though I wasn't 100% sure I had a BFP. When I got a FRER and CBD and did them that evening I knew for sure, but I hadn't had a cigarette since the night before and still haven't.

But he’s been smoking for some time, you knew he was smoking when you got pregnant and you knew he stopped and started again previously, so surely knew there was a good chance you’d be pregnant and parenting with someone who smokes. Given that, finding a compromise is a sensible solution particularly given that if you do split you’ll have no say whatsoever in his smoking behaviour during his contact time.

If it mattered that much that he stopped smoking, you should have held off getting pregnant - you’re now in a situation that is entirely predictable, so will need to find a compromise.

My DH promised to quit when I got pregnant, then promised to quit when baby was born...she turned 22 this year and he still smokes. I think you are on to a losing plan here, so have a contingency plan - mine now only smokes in the garden. Which is lovely when its sunny. But shit when its snowy or rainy. I have zero sympathy.

The issue will be when he wants a smoke but has sole charge of the kiddos. WHat will he do? Can he change to a vape?

Hope for the best but plan for the worst.

I know it's hard to quit.
I'm just annoyed that after months of refusing to tell me a plan he finally agreed a date and now he's just changed his mind and appears to be looking for a new way to start before he's even stopped.

As I type I can hear him coughing repeatedly from the cold he still has 2 weeks on wondering if this one will land him in hospital with pneumonia again or if after I've given birth he'll be too unwell to help or use 'ah i can't I've just smoked'.

I potentially need surgery after birth and need him to be able to do that care.