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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My husband has come up with a great idea ...

108 replies

WonderWorm · 28/05/2019 10:39

to continue smoking.

I'm due to give birth soon and it was promised that he'd quit before baby arrival due to sids risk and we'd spoken about this numerous times.
After not bothering for the months leading up to the birth and me asking repeatedly when he'd quit I was given a date.

I stupidly joked today about him not having long and I hoped he was going to cope seeing as He's not cut down at all. To which he flew off the handle ranting at me about my terrible behaviour and that he's going to quit but the second I have a glass of wine or beer he's going to start again.
When I asked how the two were related he informed me that he was having to give up something he enjoyed and so I had to as well.... I pointed out that a glass of wine wasn't going to give our kids chest infections/ear issues or sids and that I had already quit during pregnancy as well as all the other horrors this pregnancy has thrown at me and he's done absolutely nothing except continue to drink beer/smoke like a chimney/roll his eyes when im struggling.

So aibu to think that if you're going to just sit waiting like a creep for your wife to fail or wait for some perceived indescretion then you may as well leave now. This just screams 'i don't want to quit and need an excuse'.

OP posts:
MinisterforCheekyFuckery · 28/05/2019 13:44

People defending OP's DH saying "but it's hard to quit smoking"....yes, it's hard but so what? He's a grown man with responsibilities, sometimes we all have to do difficult things for the good of our DC. OP has said he promised to stop smoking back when they were planning this pregnancy, so it's not like she's put him on the spot by suddenly demanding he quit cold turkey. He's had time to go to the GP, look into nicotine replacement, gradually cut down etc but he hasn't even tried. Then when OP reminds him of their agreement and tries to discuss some kind of plan or timeline for him doing what he said he was going to do he responds by becoming verbally abusive and throwing a past issue with drinking (which she has successfully addressed) in her face in a cruel and pathetic attempt to divert attention away from his own failings. That doesn't sound like a man who's trying to do the right thing but finding it hard, it sounds like a man who is determined to do what he wants and fuck everyone else.

Honestly OP, he sounds like a bully and like all bullies his behaviour stems entirely from his own weakness and feelings of inadequacy. You sound lovely and you deserve much, much better Flowers

Slickster10 · 28/05/2019 13:53

Communication is key. Speak to him on his level. Let him know that you are on his side. Show some understanding and hopefully he will reciprocate. If he is struggling to give up smoking, tell him it's alright and you are okay if he smokes outside. Communicate that neither of you are perfect but everything will be good if you work together and support each other.

FizzyGreenWater · 28/05/2019 14:05

Communication is key. Speak to him on his level

  • what, you mean scream at him, bring up issues he's had in the past in an attempt to manipulate him, then threaten not to help him out or be a partner to him at all? Not sure about that.

tell him it's alright and you are okay if he smokes outside

  • but it's not alright and she's not ok with it, not least because he smokes so much he stinks to high heaven and you can literally smell the rancid fags on him as he walks into the room. Someone with that much of an overload of toxic compounds on his skin, his breath, his clothes is a danger to a tiny baby, full stop. Even if he changes his top. The man is a walking ashtray and he's made no attempt to even cut down.

everything will be good if you work together and support each other

  • well yes, and that's exactly what he's made clear, in an abusive fashion, that he isn't willing to do.
zippey · 28/05/2019 14:06

I hate smoking and being around smokers but it is an addiction and kicking the habit is easier said than done. His reaction feels like an addicts reaction to stop the habit. It’s stupid and irrational.

Have you thought about trying e-cigarettes?

You will have known that your dh smoked before trying for a baby, so I do think it’s unreasonable to ask him to stop now. Plenty of people smoke and have reasonably healthy babies.

Your not unreasonable for not wanting to be around a smoker though.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 28/05/2019 14:08

I.think smoking is the least of your worries. Why on earth did you want a 2nd child with him. He sounds vile, leave him.

WildfirePonie · 28/05/2019 14:08

Maybe he can have a look at this ecig website, you can mix and match etc to create your own mod:

www.aspirecig.com/

And he can create his own flavour liquid to smoke:

makemyvape.co.uk/blogs/recipes

It makes smoking so much easier to quit! Has he ever tried to quit using an ecig?

lottiegarbanzo · 28/05/2019 14:09

He has no self-respect.

No-one who looks for excuses for his own poor behaviour by hanging them onto someone else's choices, has any backbone, self-respect, integrity or ambition.

It is impossible to imagine such a person standing up for you or your DC, or setting them a good or impressive example.

Who would he blame for his poor choices if you weren't there? Who could he guilt into doing all life's drudge-work then?

I don't think you can make someone care about themselves, or the people around them. You can pity them.

Cruelstepmother · 28/05/2019 14:17

He doesn't sound like much of a prince tbh, OP, but you sound like a bit of a pregzilla as well. Suddenly because you can't smoke, your DH has to do as you command and give up as well. He smokes outdoors, but you still complain about it wafting in. But it's OK for you to drink alcohol while you're pregnant, because...? Oh, yeah, because you decided you wanted to. He's digging in his toes, understandably.

Of course he shouldn't smoke around the baby, and it would be better if he didn't smoke at all, but all this rubbish about changing his clothes before he handles the baby, ffs? Have babies really, honestly had health issues caused solely by being handled by people in smoky clothes? I'd be interested to see real evidence of this.

I think your best bet is to ask him to cut down to 10 cigarettes a day. And you might mention occasionally that you love him - that never does any harm.

FizzyGreenWater · 28/05/2019 14:18

OP has already said he vapes when he can't smoke, constantly:

He's got vapes and all sorts. He uses them all day if we are at the hospital and the second he comes home he's lighting a cigarette.

His health is poor and he's already had pneumonia.
He officially doesn't smoke around the existing DC but it makes no difference as he stinks so badly anyway.

:(

He's basically a chain smoker and sounds like the kind of person who ends up with COPD and on oxygen in their 50s.

OP, leave him.

IceCreamFace · 28/05/2019 14:21

If he is struggling to give up smoking, tell him it's alright and you are okay if he smokes outside.

Why should OP accept him smoking outside? It still negatively impacts the baby leading to all kinds of health problems. He agreed to quit.

Original poster
WonderWorm · 28/05/2019 14:26

I'm still reading.

I'm happy to not drink so that was a bizarre choice he made, I'll be breastfeeding anyway and so can't drink.

With regards to him just smoking outside, it still seeps under the door, it still comes in via him. He doesn't have a few cigarettes then hop in the shower and that's him done for the night. It's constant in out in out all day all night until bed then into bed with the Smokey clothes on.
I sleep elsewhere. Nothing more revolting than lying next to someone stinking, snoring.

Our dc was unwell this week and he's been smoking and then getting straight into bed, with dc as they've needed to be monitored overnight and I couldn't do it as I can't get a cold/flu due to risk associated with temperatures etc.
That was something else I got told I was being lazy about as I asked him to do dc teeth as I really wanted to avoid an illness that i can take nothing for but potentially could cause harm to our baby.... I look after dc every single other time they're unwell.

OP posts:
Original poster
WonderWorm · 28/05/2019 14:30

But it's OK for you to drink alcohol while you're pregnant, because...? Oh, yeah, because you decided you wanted to. He's digging in his toes, understandably.

You've misread somewhere. I don't even drink cola while pregnant or take paracetamol so there's not a chance in hell is drink alcohol while pregnant. Not even one glass. I never said he had to quit drinking I just highlighted he hasn't given anything up, alcohol included.
He is saying after birth if I have a glass of wine he will start smoking again.

OP posts:
Frusty · 28/05/2019 14:37

Not what you’re asking, but you can of course drink a little while breastfeeding

supertruck · 28/05/2019 14:52

I'd sort of be tempted never to drink again. I think the smugness would keep me sober. That would teach him !

user1480880826 · 28/05/2019 14:52

SIDS is the least of your worries. Cigarette smoke is toxic and shouldn’t be anywhere near babies or children. Even if he just smokes outside your child will end up passively smoking because of the smell from his breath and clothes. The NHS recommends having a shower and putting on clean clothes before handling a baby if you have been smoking. Is he really going to do that?

You need to provide him with the NHS guidelines and tell him your will not live with him or let him hold your child until he stops smoking.

RomanyQueen1 · 28/05/2019 14:55

So this is the second baby, and he was the same last time. Confused Why you still with him?

user1480880826 · 28/05/2019 14:55

I’ve only just seen your comment above about already having a child with this cretin! Your poor child is effectively smoking every single day of their life because of your irresponsible husband. It’s time to kick him out.

FizzyGreenWater · 28/05/2019 14:56

OP what exactly is the point?

You don't even share a bed as he smells so disgusting. He's not a nice, supportive, fair or loving partner.

A person can, if they try very hard, keep the majority of the effects and smell of a smoking habit out of the house and away from the family. But that's not the case for heavy smokers. What you describe is how it is. I grew up with smokers. It was horrible, and it definitely affected my relationship with my parents. They stank. I hated hugging them. What can you say to that? It's awful.

You KNOW he is shaping up to just not quit this time. That's the bottom line. In the back of his mind, what he will be thinking is - what's the point, I smoke outside now and we already have a child and hey, it's all ok. He's utterly addicted, sounds like a chain smoker - he won't quit, and if he even makes the attempt to, at the last minute, he will make the first few weeks with your baby utter hell as a result.

FizzyGreenWater · 28/05/2019 14:58

he's been smoking and then getting straight into bed, with dc as they've needed to be monitored overnight

This is not ok.

They are being exposed to toxins. FFS you don't even sleep with this stinking crap yourself, but your DC has been, while unwell?

Not ok. And if you are putting up with stuff like that with your existing child, that just also reinforces the idea that oh it's kind of ok.

RomanyQueen1 · 28/05/2019 14:59

We just smoke outside, all this namby pamby stuff is bollocks. i'd never smoke in the house though and I wash my hands.
I never see nursery nurses taking a shower after their breaks and they smoke outside the building at most I've been past.

missminagrindlay · 28/05/2019 14:59

His smoking is the least of your problems. It's never a good idea to date a smoker and then expect them to quit. He won't quit. He has to want to quit and he doesn't. But basically he showed you who he was, a manchild and lazy, but you went ahead and married him and procreated with him, not once but twice. You either lie in the bed you made or make plans to get out because he'll never change.

Original poster
WonderWorm · 28/05/2019 15:04

I know all of this.
Of i say this though he'll use it as an excuse to continue smoking as he'd say there's no point as I have no faith so may as well.

I keep dc away from him when he smokes. He doesn't smoke near although still absolutely stinks. I find myself embarrassed if he has to drop or pick up dc from school as nobody else stinks of cigarettes. None of our friends smoke.

There's no way I'd share a bed with someone who stinks like he does. Plus I like my own room to spread out so it's not just because of the smell.

I liked the comment about just tell him you love him once in a while.
Sounded like DH speaking. I'm honestly not a terrible wife. I have things he finds annoying and he quite rightly had a chat about drinking too much to cope with things, it wasn't an appropriate technique, but it wasn't me purchasing it somit would be like me saying 'come on DH you need to quit' while leaving a packet of cigarettes out.

OP posts:
Original poster
WonderWorm · 28/05/2019 15:08

I normally make him shower before he hugs or gets into the bed. Unfortunately tonight he hadn't as I didn't see in time and I'd already been abused about it.
I'm horrified as well by it.

OP posts:
Throckmorton · 28/05/2019 15:13

What is he bringing to your life OP? Or the lives of your kids for that matter. He's a shit partner and a shit role model as a parent. Plus he's putting your kids' health at risk.

RantyAnty · 28/05/2019 15:19

He is very selfish.

If he cared, he would try to eliminate his expensive dirty vices.

Is he willing to us patches or the tablets to quit smoking?

He's at the age where the drinking and smoking starts to catch up and have health issues.