To try for 3rd child age 41 and with huge age gap

[mumontherun14]

Hiya looking for any positive experiences on getting pregnant in 40's and also of big age gaps between siblings?

We already have DS (14) and DD (12) and I am 41 and my DH is 38. We've often talked about the idea of a 3rd child but various reasons put us off mainly the age gap and financial/job security and I was looking after my elderly mum.

Now we find ourselves more financially secure both in stable jobs (mine with really good maternity pay/policy) and (I think!) still young enough to have a lot to give another child. Now my older 2 are teenagers I miss some of the family times we all shared as they are so much more independent. I know they still need lots of support and parenting and we do that for both of them with school, homework, sports clubs and friends etc but both my sister and sister in law have recently had babies and I think its got me broody again seeing how well my own 2 get on with their little nephew who lives nearby. I know they'd both be really keen to have a little brother or sister. We have lots of family support nearby with MIL and my sister and the wee one would have cousins/neighbours nearby of a similar age to play with.

My elderly mums not been well recently but moved into a care home and I think its got me thinking how precious life is and how important family is and siblings and I am now seriously thinking about it when before I was definetly not sure.

I've got the coil in but its due out soon and DH has always been keen to go for it and suddenly the time does seem right (if a limited window) and I feel a bit anxious as I'd be 42, already had 2 c-sections and there would be nearly 13 yr age gap. What do you think? I know also that it may not even happend but still AIBU? Am I off my head to think about starting all over again????

'Have you thought about SN?'
Quite. As I said earlier my youngest has ASD and several other people mentioned similar. He also has a heart defect, which is a common one and so far he is ok, but still on yearly hospital visits.

Yes my youngest is autistic and Christ it's hard dealing with that as well as dealing with adult children, one of which is at uni.

We had a cvs but of course autism isn't shown on that. As I said above, I love him dearly and I'll reiterate what I said before. If I knew then what I know now, I wouldn't have had him. I'm stretched in all directions and I'm exhausted dealing with an autistic child that school avoids on a regular basis. In reality he's probably never going to live independently so this is our life forever, until the day we die.

Honestly, I wouldn't. I would be worried about the impact on the two DC who are already here, especially as having a baby at 42 brings increased risk of problems.

You say your DC are used to having you around a lot and you are currently available to ferry them back and forth to various activities, that they constantly have friends over for sleepovers etc and you "don't think that will change". That sounds a little unrealistic to me. Is it possible that you're looking back at the baby/toddler stage with rose tinted glasses? I have a 6mo baby and a DC in Reception and I freely admit that I'd forgotten how all consuming those early weeks and months were, and that was just with a four year gap! The thought of trying to do everything I'm currently doing for the baby, whilst simultaneously having to play taxi to two teens of an evening and having their friends in and out of the house sounds like a nightmare to me, but I appreciate everyone is different.

As for your DD wanting to help, I wouldn't bank on that. Not only would it be unfair on her to expect it but it's highly likely that she'll change her mind about how involved she wants to be when the baby is actually here. The kids may seem keen on the idea but do they really understand the extent to which a new baby turns a household upside down? Then there's the toddler years. When your eldest DC is trying to study for their GCSE's there will be a toddler in the house, making noise, possibly waking them up at night and certainly taking up a great deal of their parents time and attention.

There’s 17 and 23 years between me and my youngest siblings. I’m closest to the youngest who’s just graduated uni. We were best friends as they grew up. I’ve never got on a day with the sibling three years younger than me.

Definitely consider fostering babies and toddlers if you feel happiest caring for people - you'd be amazing at it!

My DHs parents had a vanity baby when he and his siblings were teenagers.

It complete destroyed the family dynamic with their 4 other teens. They do now get on as adults but they all say that it had a very negative impact on their family life and that everything they did as a family just stopped as they had a baby in the family.

They all left home as soon as they could and never returned. They all have only 2 children and are clear that they would never have an extended family.

I also pine for a baby in my early forties. But we are not going for it. I worry about not being there enough for me two who are going to need different but more support as teens and their emotional health.

Also, a good friend died at 42 of cancer leaving her two young children behind and that and the thought all the other stuff that could go wrong causes me too much anxiety.

I love babies and toddlers and I think about it often (all the time) but I think I have accepted that I would be doing it for selfish reasons. Which isn’t to say don’t go for it. You sound like you both want to.

For the past few years I've had the freedom, been away for weekend and weeks with my girl pals and been away with DH and we enjoy walking together with the dog but we still both keep coming back to this idea and in a few years it really will be too late x

That is not of itself a good reason to have a baby.

Better to regret the things you've done than those you didn't.

I really don’t think this applies in this situation. Better to have a child that you later regret than not?

I would also not underestimate the extent to which your mother will continue to be a mental load even now she’s in a care home. Especially if/when she deteriorates. I’ve been there.

I had dd at 38. Her brothers were 10 and 8. They adored her from day one - tbh they love her far more than they do us - and while of course some things are more logistically complicated, it's been a nice age gap, on the whole. I'd had several miscarriages before her so was obv acutely aware of all that could go wrong, and the pregnancy wasn't easy (physically a doddle, mentally hard), tbh.

There are a few things in your post, though, that prompt me to say you should consider really carefully. You won't recapture the family times you had with your younger two. The dynamic will be entirely different. At 14 and 12 they're increasingly going their own way and if you don't spend time together now you won't spend more with a baby/young child there - the opposite is probably true, in fact. And I wouldn't do it if you are primarily driven by the idea of a sibling relationship. We've been tremendously lucky on that score, but that wasn't why we had dd (iyswim). Three children had been more or less part of the plan from as soon as the second came along, but we didn't want three very close together.

I think your feelings around your mum may be playing into this quite significantly and I would not want, I think, to make any decisions on that basis during an emotional time

Was your mum young when she got Alzheimer's? I would worry about this as it can run in families i believe? It would be an awful thing to burden a teenager/young adult with in 15/20 years.

We've always been lucky with MIL nearby who is just 60 and she takes the kids for us so we do have freedom when we want it for nights out /weekends away etc

But circumstances change and you cannot foresee the future. Their will be a time when your MIL may not be around.

I had one at 41 and then another at 44. DD2 is 2 now and her DSs are 12 and 9. They think she is the best thing since sliced bread, and we are in awe of having her. Fairly easy pregnancy, ELCS, easy recovery. I am knackered though, but I think that pregnancy triggered RA which makes me tired and I have low vitamin B too. So yes it takes a toll physically, but we wouldn’t be without her, she’s a little light.

... and we have no help. We just muddle through as we always do

Haven’t RTFT but I had my third at 39 when my other 2 were 10 and 6. It’s been an interesting journey, I felt like I didn’t fit anywhere, all the mums of first babies I didn’t have anything in common with and those with 2nd/3rds had much closer in age toddlers. But it’s been great, i’m definitely more tired than with the others (she’s now 10 months) but the older two adore her and are pretty helpful, especially the eldest.
We discussed it for years, DH was really keen, me not so much, but i’m so happy we did it!

You're already planning on dd "helping", you (why only dd?!) describe your kids as "all grown up" they're absolutely not! As parent to an 18 yr old I can assure you this could very well be the lull before the storm! You're not even properly into puberty yet!!

You haven't as far as I can tell considered how any of the children will really feel about such a decision.

The possibility of the child having health issues or you developing health issues as a natural part of the ageing process - yes many people in their 50's and 60's are fit and healthy and have the energy to be running around after a toddler/primary aged child CONSTANTLY. But many are NOT, are winding down physically, are starting with issues with arthritis, less energy and similar...

Cousins and neighbours kids are not the same as siblings. I have an only not through choice but circumstance, I love dd to bits but young children need CONSTANT entertaining/minding. Babysitting your siblings or cousins little ones is NOT the same experience. You seem to have forgotten the relentlessness of having a baby/young child.

As Larry55 points out if the child isn't healthy (more likely with older parents - not just you but dh too) then that decision to have the child DOESN'T just affect you, you could well be putting your existing children in a very difficult position - I actually know someone in this very situation her parents had her brother when she and her older brother were in their teens, the younger brother has a learning disability, her father died a few years ago and her mums in a home with Alzheimer's because she can't care for them both. The result is she hasn't felt in a position to have a child of her own because she already has too much on her plate. There's also the child themselves - the person I'm referring to has had to have several surgeries as a result of his condition and there are very much physical and pain aspects to his condition.

My other friends who are the children of older parents - and there's several - have not found it to be a particularly positive experience.

They love their families in that 'their my family so of course I love them' way.

BUT

They're not close to any siblings and I've heard many stories of embarrassment at school etc when their parents were mistaken for their grandparents, activities limited because their parents weren't physically fit for them - this has caused real resentment in one family as the dad was a very active, sporty and involved parent with the older kids inc being a sports coach but with the youngest wasn't even up to more than the occasional kick about.

I've also heard of the older kids feeling sidelined in late teens when struggling with exams, uni, first serious relationships etc because their parents focus and time was on the younger one/s.

Then there's your own lives, raising kids is great but it does limit certain things and by delaying reaching a point of freedom - by quite a bit you're really looking at another 20 years at least until your times your own here - you'll be missing out on certain activities which you're likely to feel even more keenly as you'll see your friends with kids the ages of your older 2 going off on holidays just the couple of parents, concerts, weekends away, festivals...

Do you really want to wait until your mid 60's to be able to do all that? If you're even up to it/fancying it at that point?

It could also mean you're not able to be as involved a grandparent to your older ones kids as you'd like.

Sorry, but I suspect this is panic at menopause looming and you've for whatever reasons made your focus the family and you think they don't need you as much...I can assure you they do!

But it's also not wrong to have some time just for you and dh and I think you're underestimating how good that can be.

I can't imagine anything more difficult for a teen doing GCSEs/A-levels than having to live with a baby/toddler especially with disturbed nights!

"Ha I have actually parented 2 children already" but you seem to have forgotten/are ignoring all the tough bits! Sleepless nights, teething, colic, bugs, no freedom/independence, childcare costs (do you even know what they are now?), babysitter costs (not fair to bank on your other kids always doing this - certainly they won't be available once they're at uni/working & left home), child proofing, needing to take time off work every time they're sick (and I can assure you in the current climate this is much harder than it was 12 years ago), potty training...

Are your teens REALLY going to welcome all that when they have their own hormones raging, school stress, friend stress, relationship stresses, exam pressure... They're going to want to have friends and later boyfriends/girlfriends round to stay over, they're not going to want a toddler getting into their private space and things and wrecking their tech...

Do you even have the physical space for a baby? As your older 2 are different sexes that means that really you need a 4 bed place, it wouldn't be fair on either child to have one share with the baby.

Can you afford on a part time wage to put another child through teenhood? (Given the ages of your older 2 I'm also strongly feeling you've NO idea how tough and expensive the teen years can be!) through uni?

ALL your posts are pretty much purely focused on the potential positives (which aren't guaranteed).

How would you cope if you mc? If you were advised that tfmr was something you need to consider? If you needed to go on maternity leave much earlier for health reasons?

I don't think you're being realistic and you're also making a lot of assumptions about how others this will majorly impact but who have little to no voice in the decision will feel. This has real potential to throw a grenade into your currently well functioning family.

"Could it be you're looking ahead and seeing an empty nest which having another child would defer?"
I can definitely see this possibility in how op is posting.

"In reality he's probably never going to live independently so this is our life forever, until the day we die." You've been very brave in your honesty about regretting your decision to have him so I hope you won't be offended when I ask - and who will take care of him when you his parents do pass away?

Quite honestly what I keep thinking is it would do op good to borrow one of those robot babies they use to put teens off procreating for say a month? I wonder how keen she and the dc would be then?

My son plays for a football team and we go to watch all his games and my daughter has a horse and one of us is with her at the stables most days

So your son has a football match and your dd needs to see to her horse. You've got a colicky baby who won't stop screaming. Which child are you going to let down?

Like some others, I couldn't think of anything worse.

But that's because I've been watching my best friend go through it.

She has a decent age gap between her two, and had her second aged 40.

The kids don't have anything in common, but that's not even the issue. Her DC2 was diagnosed with autism aged 2.

It seems to me that there is often a genetic link with autism, with more than one DC getting a diagnosis, or other family members having a diagnosis / obviously being on the spectrum. This wasn't the case for them - this came completely out of the blue.

Life is tough.

She hasn't been able to sit down and actually chat and catch up since he started walking. She's on anti-depressants and worries what will happen to him after they're gone, especially as her eldest doesn't have any time for him. He doesn't sleep at night either, and he's five now.

My biggest worry at this age would be - health / learning / behavioural issues. I'd be worried I was pushing my luck.

Clearly it works out fine for many people, but I'm always 'what's the worst thing that could happen?!' and in this particular scenario, the worst is actually pretty shit, at least in terms of what it means to day-to-day life, and familial harmony.

Plus having a baby to cheer everyone up is just crazy talk, with all due respect.

God no
Think about it soon your children will be grown and independent think of the freedom you will have. Also think of the upcoming potential costs of uni for them.

Do you really want to be tied to school holidays etc into your late 50's?

I'm 38 with a 7 and 2 year old I now wish I'd started sooner that plus the health risks for me and child no way Would I do it

Go for it OP! You sound like a lovely family with a lot of love to give. If it works for your family, that's great! Everyone's different. I am currently 31 weeks pregnant and I turn 40 in the same week the baby is due. It's my third, my others are 7 and almost 10. We're all looking forward to the new baby arriving, and my girls are very excited at the prospect of having a baby in the house. I am also nervous about starting again (it is a remarriage in our case) but I feel young enough to deal with it! I know parenting is hard, but it's a decision I don't regret making (so far!)
Good luck in whatever you decide to do.

It is hard when you are out of step with your friends too. Your life revolves around a small child and their lives have moved on.

Most in this situation (large gap, older parents) I would advise no, but you seem sorted practically and I think a close in age cousin nearby is an added bonus. So why not?

The kids don't have anything in common, but that's not even the issue. Her DC2 was diagnosed with autism aged 2.

It seems to me that there is often a genetic link with autism, with more than one DC getting a diagnosis, or other family members having a diagnosis / obviously being on the spectrum. This wasn't the case for them - this came completely out of the blue.

This! 100%. Totally agree with Chilling. My life is absolute SHIT with my son. Shittier than shit. I was 37 when he was conceived. I wish he had never been born. I'm currently waiting for SS to ring me back. Haahahaa.

All these visions of a baby playing with some cousin (who could move away) and happy days could turn into something worse than your worst nightmare.

Quit whilst you are ahead.

I have a nearly 22 year old and a 2 year old. I had her at 40. Honestly....... she brings so much joy but life has changed significantly. I am shattered the whole time as she just doesn't stop! Would I change it? Not in a million years but wanted to be honest. Our friends are all out of the baby stage and have teens or older. So we feel very lonely a lot of the time. I work full time and have the mum guilt that she is in childcare (although she thrives in childcare), but we need my wages to actually survive and pay bills. Think carefully about your life now and the big changes that may come about. If you don't mind the changes go for it!