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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Husband went out with old flame without telling me

104 replies

NickD87 · 27/05/2019 00:07

Cutting a long story short....
Last night I went out to a film screening with husband and a friend of ours. They were drinking. And as my husband is freelance and has no invoices in, I purchased them 3 bottles of wine and snacks. I stuck to one tin of gin and then Fanta (sad).
Half way through the film (outdoor screening), they get a bit tiddled and want to leave to go to the pub. I admit I was a bit stand offish about it. I was enjoying the movie and my argument was “I’ve just bought you wine and stuff, I don’t want to spend the whole night in the pub too. Can we just go home or stay?”. Well, I was then the boring bad one. We ended up in the pub and they got more drunk and on the walk home he was his usual volatile drunken self saying awful things. As I was sober, I literally just ignored it.

He never apologises. And I don’t expect him to, really. But this morning I decided to just have my own space and stay in the garden. I at least expected a sheepish cup of tea or something, but nothing. In the afternoon - he asked if I wanted to go cinema and I was a bit nonchalant about it and decided I wanted to stay home. I didn’t make a big deal. He knew he had been an arse and I was annoyed he was trying to brush it under the carpet.

He called me at 8pm when he was out the cinema to check I was home as he forgot his keys. I said I was. And I couldn’t go out either because I’d given him my bank card.

Anyway....I sent a text at 11. I sent a text checking he hadn’t been kidnapped by an Uber driver (lol). He replied he was out with XXXX who he had ‘bumped into’ on the way home. We live in London, by the way. Not a little village. Although granted this person has moved recently to the area. He said they were having a ‘quick drink’ and he was on his way home.

It’s now passed midnight and, if this ‘bumping into’ had happened - I love a ten minute walk from the tube so assume it would have been around there.

Now, there’s no bad blood between him and xxxx. They do still share many friends. But they used to see each other. I actually knew him at this time, but it was before we were together.

I just feel like in this situation, when he knows he’s in the dog house, he knows I’m sat waiting to let him in and such - why on earth has he had a ‘quick’ (ie: over three hour) drink with an old flame? And not even told me until I’ve contacted to check where in earthbthey are - as he said he was coming home at 8!

Grrr. Is this unreasonable? I feel so angry but am just going to be calm and not talk much when he finally does arrive home. At least I have the European election results to keep me occupied (although probably won’t do anything for the anger!)

OP posts:
NickD87 · 27/05/2019 00:08

Sorry, I realise I didn’t exactly cut that long story short Grin

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Tillygetsit · 27/05/2019 00:11

YANBU. I'm angry on your behalf! Dont confront him tonight though. Wait until hes sober and hungover then give him hell! Good luck

Mandala6 · 27/05/2019 00:11

You need to tell him this sort of crap isn't acceptable. He needs to contact you and let you know if he's going to be late. An extra layer of rudeness is that he doesn't have his key so you don't get a choice in waiting up for him and stewing. I'd be very cross.
Really, he should have spent today on his best behaviour making up for being a twat yesterday but instead he's gotten the metaphorical shovel out and dug his hole deeper.

Drogosnextwife · 27/05/2019 00:13

Lock the door, cancel your bank card and go to bed. Fuck him.

Drogosnextwife · 27/05/2019 00:14

What kind of things is he saying to you when he's drunk?

MyKingdomForBrie · 27/05/2019 00:15

He has a drinking problem. Three bottles of wine between two and then he wants more? Sheesh.

WaitingInTheBushesOfLove · 27/05/2019 00:16

So...he is using your bank card to have drinks out with his OF? I would be checking my online banking to see how much he spent on this...and also he is keeping you up so you can let him in?
I would be angry as well.

freshstartnewme · 27/05/2019 00:17

on the walk home he was his usual volatile drunken self saying awful things. As I was sober, I literally just ignored it.

Seeing it through sober eyes didn't make you realise this isn't right?

PickAChew · 27/05/2019 00:20

3 bottles of wine between 2 of them and then more? Surely they could barely stand up straight, already?

YANBU to be pissed off that, drunk, he wanted to go to a pub with her, rather than go to bed and sleep off his very heavy evening so far, though.

StinkyWizleteets · 27/05/2019 00:20

Lock the door and go to bed. Leave a blanket and brolly on the doorstep if you’re feeling generous

NickD87 · 27/05/2019 00:20

Thanks! Yes, I will just be sternly silent this evening Mandala!
Drogosnextwife - apparently I was a selfish see you next Tuesday, a ‘user’ and a ‘prick’ which I thought was a humerus one. Because he was drunk none of it made any sense, so I didn’t take it to heart. But it’s not nice anyway. I know he doesn’t mean it, but I just expect some sort of action today that says he’s sorry apart for asking if I want to go to the cinema eventually. Mandala is right - I just expected best behaviour today and he’s ruined it. Had he not done this, it probably would have all been over with by the time he’d watched his film and come home. I don’t know why he’s done this...

I just had a text. When imhe said who he was with I just replied “Right, OK” and he said “It’s obviously not like that!!” - pffft. Yes, I’d be crazy to thing it was. eye roll

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PickAChew · 27/05/2019 00:22

And do you really want to spend the rest of your life with a volatile drunk, saying awful things?

Smellbellina · 27/05/2019 00:23

He is looking for a rise out of you

PickAChew · 27/05/2019 00:24

he does mean, it, btw. Drunk people say what they mean. He's teling you quite plainly that he can do what the fuck he wants and he has no regard for your feelings.

cheeseislife8 · 27/05/2019 00:25

Wow, he's being a monumental knob. Last night was bad enough without tonight's antics! I'd just go to bed, bollocks to him

NickD87 · 27/05/2019 00:25

Yep! Using my card. For drinks with an ex.
And apparently I’m unsupportive of his new freelance venture! Maybe I’ll keep sitting on that one Confused

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MyKingdomForBrie · 27/05/2019 00:25

A selfish cunt, a user and a prick. I cannot think of a single circumstance in which I would not leave this absolute horror show of a husband.

Call the bank and report your card lost, then leave him a bag on the doorstep and bolt the door.

cheeseislife8 · 27/05/2019 00:26

And no amount of drunk excuses saying those things either

NickD87 · 27/05/2019 00:26

Smellbelina - yes, that’s what I think too. I think if he gets a rise that gets him off the hook. He’s never liked being ‘in the wrong’. But I just won’t rise. Not to him - I’ll channel
My rage on here haha.
Thanks everyone. It’s nice to know I’m not being unreasonable here!!

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bodgersmash · 27/05/2019 00:26

I can't believe your husband calls you a cunt and you're this nonchalant about it.

And you seem more upset that he hasn't sufficiently made it up to you today rather than what he did in the first place.

What's your marriage like, generally? I'm honestly agog and feel a bit sad for you that you've accepted this as your normal.

tympanic · 27/05/2019 00:26

Can I ask how you reacted to him speaking to you like that while he was drunk? Did you say nothing at all? How did his friend react?

Longdistance · 27/05/2019 00:29

Block your card. Lock the front door and go to bed.

NickD87 · 27/05/2019 00:30

I said nothing at all. For a minute I tried to explain it was unfair to say this because I didn’t want to go and pay for him to sit in a pub, but then I thought ‘bugger it’ and just walked ahead and then stayed out of his way.

Marriage is ok generally. He is very controlling. This is another thing that annoys me. If I did even a small fraction of what he’s done today or yesterday I probably wouldn’t be spoken to for a week or so. And now he’s acting like nothing has happened.

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PickAChew · 27/05/2019 00:32

Honestly? This is a clear cut case of LTB. There is no other sane option.

NickD87 · 27/05/2019 00:35

Sadly, I think you might be right. But I need to calm down first.
He’s just got home anyway, finally. I’ve retreated to the bottom of the garden for a cup of tea and a cheeky cigarette. Will wait for him to go to bed. Hopefully by morning he’ll see how his behaviour has been appalling. But not holding out hope.

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