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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Husband went out with old flame without telling me

104 replies

NickD87 · 27/05/2019 00:07

Cutting a long story short....
Last night I went out to a film screening with husband and a friend of ours. They were drinking. And as my husband is freelance and has no invoices in, I purchased them 3 bottles of wine and snacks. I stuck to one tin of gin and then Fanta (sad).
Half way through the film (outdoor screening), they get a bit tiddled and want to leave to go to the pub. I admit I was a bit stand offish about it. I was enjoying the movie and my argument was “I’ve just bought you wine and stuff, I don’t want to spend the whole night in the pub too. Can we just go home or stay?”. Well, I was then the boring bad one. We ended up in the pub and they got more drunk and on the walk home he was his usual volatile drunken self saying awful things. As I was sober, I literally just ignored it.

He never apologises. And I don’t expect him to, really. But this morning I decided to just have my own space and stay in the garden. I at least expected a sheepish cup of tea or something, but nothing. In the afternoon - he asked if I wanted to go cinema and I was a bit nonchalant about it and decided I wanted to stay home. I didn’t make a big deal. He knew he had been an arse and I was annoyed he was trying to brush it under the carpet.

He called me at 8pm when he was out the cinema to check I was home as he forgot his keys. I said I was. And I couldn’t go out either because I’d given him my bank card.

Anyway....I sent a text at 11. I sent a text checking he hadn’t been kidnapped by an Uber driver (lol). He replied he was out with XXXX who he had ‘bumped into’ on the way home. We live in London, by the way. Not a little village. Although granted this person has moved recently to the area. He said they were having a ‘quick drink’ and he was on his way home.

It’s now passed midnight and, if this ‘bumping into’ had happened - I love a ten minute walk from the tube so assume it would have been around there.

Now, there’s no bad blood between him and xxxx. They do still share many friends. But they used to see each other. I actually knew him at this time, but it was before we were together.

I just feel like in this situation, when he knows he’s in the dog house, he knows I’m sat waiting to let him in and such - why on earth has he had a ‘quick’ (ie: over three hour) drink with an old flame? And not even told me until I’ve contacted to check where in earthbthey are - as he said he was coming home at 8!

Grrr. Is this unreasonable? I feel so angry but am just going to be calm and not talk much when he finally does arrive home. At least I have the European election results to keep me occupied (although probably won’t do anything for the anger!)

OP posts:
EileenAlanna · 27/05/2019 15:29

Do you rent, or have you a mortgage on a property? If you rent are you both on the lease? Either leave him or throw him out. There's nothing for you in this marriage. With no DC to worry over the quicker you end this abusive relationship the better, really. My 2 cents worth.

ConcreteUnderpants · 27/05/2019 15:31

Does it really matter if they had sex?! To be blunt, infidelity is probably the least abusive thing this man is doing.

Many have been in your shoes. I used to wish my ex would hit me as then I could leave as it would've been 'proper abuse'. Ridiculous, but it just seemed more acceptable than saying to people how he was a bully etc.

As for these people initally suggesting locking the door and going to bed, although it would've been lovely, the truth is that men like this will knock and knock and knock and knock until you have no choice......and then be very angry when they get in.

As a previous poster said, make sure you get some support waiting for you as men like this will not will watch you go quietly.

LuluBellaBlue · 27/05/2019 23:17

Hope today’s been better for you OP Flowers

TheInventorofToasterStreudel · 28/05/2019 09:48

I'd have a really good look through my online banking, change the locks, the cancel the card. If you want to go to your Mum's then you should but I think he should leave.

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