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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband went out with old flame without telling me

104 replies

NickD87 · 27/05/2019 00:07

Cutting a long story short....
Last night I went out to a film screening with husband and a friend of ours. They were drinking. And as my husband is freelance and has no invoices in, I purchased them 3 bottles of wine and snacks. I stuck to one tin of gin and then Fanta (sad).
Half way through the film (outdoor screening), they get a bit tiddled and want to leave to go to the pub. I admit I was a bit stand offish about it. I was enjoying the movie and my argument was “I’ve just bought you wine and stuff, I don’t want to spend the whole night in the pub too. Can we just go home or stay?”. Well, I was then the boring bad one. We ended up in the pub and they got more drunk and on the walk home he was his usual volatile drunken self saying awful things. As I was sober, I literally just ignored it.

He never apologises. And I don’t expect him to, really. But this morning I decided to just have my own space and stay in the garden. I at least expected a sheepish cup of tea or something, but nothing. In the afternoon - he asked if I wanted to go cinema and I was a bit nonchalant about it and decided I wanted to stay home. I didn’t make a big deal. He knew he had been an arse and I was annoyed he was trying to brush it under the carpet.

He called me at 8pm when he was out the cinema to check I was home as he forgot his keys. I said I was. And I couldn’t go out either because I’d given him my bank card.

Anyway....I sent a text at 11. I sent a text checking he hadn’t been kidnapped by an Uber driver (lol). He replied he was out with XXXX who he had ‘bumped into’ on the way home. We live in London, by the way. Not a little village. Although granted this person has moved recently to the area. He said they were having a ‘quick drink’ and he was on his way home.

It’s now passed midnight and, if this ‘bumping into’ had happened - I love a ten minute walk from the tube so assume it would have been around there.

Now, there’s no bad blood between him and xxxx. They do still share many friends. But they used to see each other. I actually knew him at this time, but it was before we were together.

I just feel like in this situation, when he knows he’s in the dog house, he knows I’m sat waiting to let him in and such - why on earth has he had a ‘quick’ (ie: over three hour) drink with an old flame? And not even told me until I’ve contacted to check where in earthbthey are - as he said he was coming home at 8!

Grrr. Is this unreasonable? I feel so angry but am just going to be calm and not talk much when he finally does arrive home. At least I have the European election results to keep me occupied (although probably won’t do anything for the anger!)

OP posts:
bodgersmash · 27/05/2019 00:36

So he calls you a cunt and stonewalls you? He is abusive OP. Sad Maybe not in the way you might think of abuse, but he is abusing you.

If someone in the street called you a cunt, would you think that ok? What about your father speaking to your mother like that? Your BIL to your sister? Can you see it for what it really is by imagining someone you love being treated this way? That man is supposed to put you above and before everything, and he treats you like this.

Please leave this horrible man before your self esteem is in tatters. And you're bankrolling him to boot.

FieryBiscuits14 · 27/05/2019 00:37

Why the fuck do you think him talking to you like that is ok just because he's pissed? And that's just the beginning of a very long list of the reasons he sounds like an arsehole.
Have a really good think about whether this is how you want to spend the rest of your life

motherofcats81 · 27/05/2019 00:38

What he is saying to you really is not ok OP, and being drunk is no excuse. And he's controlling, gives you the silent treatment and apparently lives off you while accusing you of being a user? If I were you I'd be reassessing this relationship.

ewenice · 27/05/2019 00:41

But the marriage obviously isn't OK if he was 'his usual drunken volatile self' and he calls you a cunt, a prick and a user. Those are signs of a healthy relationship.

You are worth more than that - he sounds awful.

Erythronium · 27/05/2019 00:41

Why on earth would you buy him three bottles of wine when you say this about him?

he was his usual volatile drunken self saying awful things

He does this regularly, he called you the c-word. I don't mean to be unkind but he hates you and you're brushing it off as if he doesn't mean it. He's awful. Why are you so prepared to tolerate this terrible treatment? That's the question you need to ask yourself.

ewenice · 27/05/2019 00:41

aren't - those aren't signs of a healthy relationship

MomsNotTheWord · 27/05/2019 00:42

Are you going to continue the rest of your life ‘hoping’? Hoping he will apologise, hoping he will respect you, hoping he won’t be nasty when drunk, hoping he will behave, hoping he wont be so controlling, hoping he won’t use your money to buy an ex partner drinks again? I’m sorry but this man is taking you for a dickhead, and you’re letting him.

Original poster
NickD87 · 27/05/2019 00:43

You’re all right.
God; I suddenly feel all empowered!

OP posts:
Erythronium · 27/05/2019 00:47

It sounds really sad OP, you hiding in the garden to stay out of his way until he goes to bed. I don't see how you can suddenly feel empowered when all this has been going on.

tympanic · 27/05/2019 00:47

Even if he does apologise tomorrow you know this can’t go on, right? He treats you like that and you hope he’ll at least get you a cup of tea as an apology? A sheepish cup of tea? What would you do for someone to make it up to then if you ever treated them like he treated you? First of all you wouldn’t to begin with. Second, if you did it wouldn’t be a bloody cup of tea. Or more abuse.

I may be wrong but I think his freelance work is unsuccessful. You bankroll his lifestyle yet he treats you with disdain. You say your marriage is good but he controls you. And lies. And abuses you.

I bet he was a real sweetheart when you met and this bad behaviour goes up a click as time goes by. To the point where you don’t even realise your expectations are so low that you have a drunken man calling you a cunt in the middle of the night yet you agree to finance his next night of drinking anyway. Not having a go at you, love. I just know from experience how this happens. You keep adjusting and keep adjusting to increasingly worse behaviour until you’re being horribly abused and you still don’t see it.

Original poster
NickD87 · 27/05/2019 00:55

I have to say, the word abuse is shocking me. Because it’s not physical. But thinking about it, it really is.
And a previous poster got it right, I suspect today has been all about trying to get a rise out of me - so suddenly I’m the ‘unreasonable’ or ‘hysterical’ one and he is once again the dominant and ‘righteous’ force. I’m not going to let that happen no matter how angry I am.
It’s 5 to 1 and now I’ve taken the dogs out for a late night walk to just breathe.

OP posts:
ohfourfoxache · 27/05/2019 00:57

Fuck me, does he have any good points? He’d need a solid gold dick and a tendency to shit diamonds to overlook his cuntishness Shock

Erythronium · 27/05/2019 00:58

Does it matter who's right and who's wrong or who's got the moral high ground? Just get the hell away from him.

You're staying out of your own home to keep away from him at one in the morning. Do you think that's normal in a relationship?

Erythronium · 27/05/2019 00:59

You sound trapped OP, not empowered.

tympanic · 27/05/2019 01:00

“Hysterical”... that old chestnut. I suspect all the abusive men get together late at night to share ideas.

ChillaxingInMyKimono · 27/05/2019 01:03

This reads as if you really dislike each other.

I'm sure you 'love' each other, because you've been together a while, and it's habit.

But you don't like each other at all, do you?

IMO it's actually not love that binds a couple together harmoniously. It's like. Liking someone is so crucial, and yet I read too many threads on here where the couples couldn't seem to like each other less.

What's the point in staying together when you're - at best - tolerating each other; at worst, downright loathing the other person? Confused

Original poster
NickD87 · 27/05/2019 01:09

He obviously has good points, but the bad are very much highlighted here. And do they outweigh the good - I’m inclined to say absolutely not.
I just feel incredibly hurt. Had he just come back from cinema when he called - I’d had time to relax, I thought he would have had time to assess - but to disappear and for me to find out he ‘bumped into’ an ex then had a ‘quick/3.5 hour drink’ with them - and to imply I had no right to even question it?! That’s it. It’s the icing on the cake. He doesn’t give two craps. He can sort himself out now. It’s total arsehole behaviour and it simply can’t be justified.
I’m inclined to try and look in his phone to see how random this ‘bumping into’ was. But....I don’t actually even care right now.

OP posts:
WhiteRedRose · 27/05/2019 01:11

People generally mean what they say when drunk, OP. He is not a nice man. He called you a cunt ffs.

Do yourself a favour and get some self respect and kick him out. Asap 😳

SorryDidISayThatOutLoud · 27/05/2019 01:14

You are crazy. Get some self respect, woman.

hulmegirl1 · 27/05/2019 01:15

Frankly I'd have called my bank hours ago to say I'd lost my card and have it cancelled.
Lol StinkyWizleteets a person after my own heart, was just about to say the same!
Lock the door, go to bed, that's what I'd be doing.

hulmegirl1 · 27/05/2019 01:17

Incidentally if my other half had called me that he'd not only be my soon to be ex husband he'd also be recovering from a black eye!

Erythronium · 27/05/2019 01:18

He thinks you're the c-word, a prick and a user and he tells you so but his good points outweigh that. Your marriage is OK but it turns out he's controlling and won't speak to you for a week. He meets up with exes and stays out drinking with them and you don't know where he is. You hide in the garden from him or take the dogs for a walk in the middle of the night.

As a matter of interest where did you pick up the idea that people don't mean what they say when they're drunk? Yes they do, it's just their inhibitions are lowered so they say it out loud.

Blondebakingmumma · 27/05/2019 01:34

Wow, appalling behaviour. It sounds like you feel like you have won if your hubby doesn’t get a rise out of you. All I read is he is acting like a grade A prick and you let him. Plus you finance his drinking habit! I doubt he went to a movie, more likely he’s organized to catch up with his ex and gone to the pub the entire night

IAmAlwaysLikeThis · 27/05/2019 01:40

I think it can be really hard to view ourselves as victims of abuse. We convince ourselves that there's no way we could be a victim, because we are strong/empowered etc etc.

But this is absolutely abuse.

Calling you a cunt is not normal.

Original poster
NickD87 · 27/05/2019 01:42

I don’t feel I’ve won. But I feel like he’s playing a game here. Or maybe I’ve actually literally lost it?!
I got in with the dogs and he just asked “I’m going to bed now, are you coming?”. Is he serious? Can he not see this is wrong?! I know I’ve not said anything overt - but how can he think all this is ok?
I’m going to go to my mums tomorrow. Will spend a few days working from there until I’ve got a clear head for how I move forward with this.

OP posts: