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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Husband went out with old flame without telling me

104 replies

NickD87 · 27/05/2019 00:07

Cutting a long story short....
Last night I went out to a film screening with husband and a friend of ours. They were drinking. And as my husband is freelance and has no invoices in, I purchased them 3 bottles of wine and snacks. I stuck to one tin of gin and then Fanta (sad).
Half way through the film (outdoor screening), they get a bit tiddled and want to leave to go to the pub. I admit I was a bit stand offish about it. I was enjoying the movie and my argument was “I’ve just bought you wine and stuff, I don’t want to spend the whole night in the pub too. Can we just go home or stay?”. Well, I was then the boring bad one. We ended up in the pub and they got more drunk and on the walk home he was his usual volatile drunken self saying awful things. As I was sober, I literally just ignored it.

He never apologises. And I don’t expect him to, really. But this morning I decided to just have my own space and stay in the garden. I at least expected a sheepish cup of tea or something, but nothing. In the afternoon - he asked if I wanted to go cinema and I was a bit nonchalant about it and decided I wanted to stay home. I didn’t make a big deal. He knew he had been an arse and I was annoyed he was trying to brush it under the carpet.

He called me at 8pm when he was out the cinema to check I was home as he forgot his keys. I said I was. And I couldn’t go out either because I’d given him my bank card.

Anyway....I sent a text at 11. I sent a text checking he hadn’t been kidnapped by an Uber driver (lol). He replied he was out with XXXX who he had ‘bumped into’ on the way home. We live in London, by the way. Not a little village. Although granted this person has moved recently to the area. He said they were having a ‘quick drink’ and he was on his way home.

It’s now passed midnight and, if this ‘bumping into’ had happened - I love a ten minute walk from the tube so assume it would have been around there.

Now, there’s no bad blood between him and xxxx. They do still share many friends. But they used to see each other. I actually knew him at this time, but it was before we were together.

I just feel like in this situation, when he knows he’s in the dog house, he knows I’m sat waiting to let him in and such - why on earth has he had a ‘quick’ (ie: over three hour) drink with an old flame? And not even told me until I’ve contacted to check where in earthbthey are - as he said he was coming home at 8!

Grrr. Is this unreasonable? I feel so angry but am just going to be calm and not talk much when he finally does arrive home. At least I have the European election results to keep me occupied (although probably won’t do anything for the anger!)

OP posts:
Nanna50 · 27/05/2019 08:03

@NickD87 Lots of sensible advice on here, for me @Flyingkites123 has explained the process well.

You get to the point where disappointment is your normal, you wait for the apologies that never come, you alter your behaviour and responses and then try to reason with yourself that it’s all ok.

Maybe seek support from one of your friends who has hinted at this, they will have been waiting for you to see it. I doubt your DP will watch you go quietly.

Eliza9919 · 27/05/2019 08:07

I'd leave him if he used my bank card to buy her drinks. Check your statement if you have internet banking.

SallyWD · 27/05/2019 08:07

It was sad to read this thread - every detail. So much that doesn't sound right in one post. The fact you bought him and his mate 3 bottles of wine and snacks and they want to go elsewhere (is it just me or isn't that too much alcohol for 2 people?! And why are you paying for it all when you're not drinking?) and they make you feel bad about not wanting to go. The fact you're so blasé about him calling you a selfish cunt, a user and a prick" as if it's nothing. Neither my DH nor my alcoholic ex have ever called me such awful names. And how can he call you selfish and a user when it seems you're paying for his night out, doing what he wants AND giving him your credit card the following night. It seems clear who's being a user. The fact that you haven't stood up for yourself while he treats you like this - are you really waiting for him to be sober or have you just grown used to keeping quiet when he treats you this way? The fact that you say the relationship is OK and your next sentence is "He's very controlling". This all sounds wrong. I'm glad you're going away for a few days to assess your relationship.

SavageBeauty73 · 27/05/2019 08:08

He sounds vile and abusive. His behaviour is far from ok.

Stop enabling his drinking. Don't give your bank card to him ever again.

Think about leaving. Easy for us all to say to leave him but he sounds horrible. Do you want him in your life?

VampirateQueen · 27/05/2019 08:12

So he got drunk on your money, then went to the cinema and took out an old flame, all funded by your money? He is nasty and verbally abusive. Please run now, but beware, he will probably put up a fight as it sounds like you are his source of money.

Orangeballon · 27/05/2019 08:13

Doesn’t sound as if he is into you that much, Crying on the shoulder òf an old flame looking fòr sympathy, time to cut the ties and set him free.

DockerDre · 27/05/2019 08:14

Why on earth are you giving him your bank card?

JonSnowsFurCoat · 27/05/2019 08:17

I love how he’s using your money to get pissed with his ex, yet calling you a user. How does that work?

You really need to leave this toxic relationship op. Go to your mums, clear your head, get a plan together. Firstly, stop giving him your card and any access to your money. Just cut him off.

Be prepared for the sob story from him. Don’t fall for it. He has a lot more to lose as you are his money source. He will try to worm his way back in. Stay strong

BeckyHS · 27/05/2019 08:18

I'm sorry you've had to go through this. No one deserves to be treated this way. It's abusive and unacceptable.

The best thing to do is leave. It's hard but your life will be so much better.

I finally left my ex after three years. He would get drunk and shout in my face, flirt openly with other women in front of me, put me down in front of everyone, call me a cunt, call me pathetic, open my mail, check my bank account to see what I was spending. It escalated to him threatening to kill me because I couldn't decide what to have for dinner one night whilst we were away on holiday with his parents. When I confronted him about it the next day and said it had really upset me, he said "I don't care" and didn't speak to me for a week. They don't care. They will care when you eventually do leave because it makes them look bad. They don't care about anyone but themselves.

Talk to your mum and closest friends, tell them everything. They will support you. Refuge has lots of great advice and support. You can get through this. You deserve better.

FilthyforFirth · 27/05/2019 08:26

Dear god get some self respect. Leave immediately. This is not a normal relationship.

PotteryLady · 27/05/2019 08:29

Definitely leave. You are worth more than this.

Chillyegg · 27/05/2019 08:32

Love you sound lovely.
You can find someone who loves you for all of your lovely parts.
This dick head tour with is an absolute knob. Who hasn’t got a job uses you to bank roll his drink problem and is a vile controlling drunk. Leave leave leave.

Rhiannon87 · 27/05/2019 08:52

Op, this was my life. My ex was his usual volatile drunk self, I ended up supporting us both as he too was working "freelance". My ex would regularly verbally abuse me when drunk but I accepted it as I'd made a promise that this was my life "for better for worse" etc. He even met an old flame and went for a drink after I'd refused because I had work the next day.

Please don't end up like me. I ended up being raped daily by my ex, I ended up having to work 3 jobs totalling over 100 hours a week to support his lifestyle and on top of that the charmer wouldn't allow me to sleep. I ended up seriously ill, bankrupt and homeless and I'd do it all again to escape him. I hope you don't mind me jumping on your thread but it sounded way too familiar for my liking.
Good luck OP.

Answeringonlyyesorno · 27/05/2019 09:09

I don't want to pile on to this thread, nor ignore it either. Every poster has been spot on. Please take some time to consider what you are getting from this relationship. It sounds like you don't have children. If you think you do want them, can you imagine what kind of life you'd be bringing them into if you stay with this person? Leave now and start again.

Downunderduchess · 27/05/2019 09:12

@PickAChew - agreed. A loving, respectful partner doesn't speak like that.

ReganSomerset · 27/05/2019 09:47

You need to pick your standards up, OP -they've fallen onto the floor.

I think going to your mum's is a great idea. Make sure to call your bank and tell them you've lost that card. Request a new one.

Immediately remove all money currently in a joint account and put it in your own. Or withdraw it. Take photos of any documents pertaining to financial assets. Or take the originals. Just in case.

Meangirls36 · 27/05/2019 09:47

Why didn't you ask for your card back? I use my partners card rarely and for certain amounts and I discuss what I'm going to buy with him and I still feel guilty and try and spend wisely. That means I can spend a bit of my money on silly stuff and we both get what we want because we are a team! If I do go to the pub I get home on time and bring him back a cider. I think I left him waiting for me once when I feel asleep on a sofa once and it was still a shitty thing to do. He's a total arse he's not even a charmer at home to make up for himself. Everyone has flaws most people make sure that they don't outweigh the negatives. He's just got an awful personality. He's just not a good boyfriend. And tbh it doesn't take that much lots of people do it.

7yo7yo · 27/05/2019 09:56

Why are you with him?

Erythronium · 27/05/2019 10:00

The OP is probably being financially controlled along with everything else if she has to hand over her bank card.

hulmegirl1 · 27/05/2019 11:24

Get out now! I wasted many many years (I was very young (14 and he was 16) when we got together. People thought we were a match made in heaven, teenage sweethearts who had made it etc...). I came from a broken home (I never met my own father and discovered the person I thought was my father wasn't when I was getting married aged 22). I really didn't realise I was being abused because my ex did not hit me but over the course of 28 years I lost all self-respect, friends and confidence. This despite me built up a successful career and paid most of the bills and took care of our two children. When my youngest left school and was going to college I finally plucked up the courage to throw him out and of course he went straight to live with the girlfriend (one of many I now know) he had kept in the background for years. I feel sad that I put my two children through their upbringing but at the time I thought I was doing the right thing keeping the family together and I honestly didn't realise I was the victim of abuse. I began to build up my confidence and a life for myself and despite believing I would be single for the rest of my life (my ex had repeatedly told me nobody else would want me and nobody liked me) I made friends and then met my current husband (we married 7.5 years after meeting). My life is now totally different. Of course there are difficulties and obstacles but I now have friends and a husband who values me and treats me with respect. We are a partnership who face life together. I'm said that I allowed myself to be treated like I was but try to be positive and live life to the full. Please put yourself first and leave this controlling bully. You'll never look back!

hulmegirl1 · 27/05/2019 11:25

SAD not SAID!

cuppycakey · 27/05/2019 11:32

OP Please think about seeing a counsellor. Did you have a shite childhood? Other reasons for having such low self esteem that you would accept this disgusting behaviour and abuse?

The sooner this ends the better. He is taking the piss out of you.

Counsellor and solicitor Flowers

RoboticSealpup · 27/05/2019 11:46

Mumsnet provides a pretty horrifying insight into abusive relationships. It seems like one of these posts crops up every day. Always along the lines of "AIBU for being mildly annoyed with my DH for [insert example of clearly abusive behaviour, usually including name-calling, emotional manipulation and gaslighting, as well as a complete lack of respect and failure to lift a finger with regards to childcare and housework]? We have an otherwise OK relationship." (If there are children, the guy is usually described as a "great dad".)

The fact that you don't even realise how bad this is, is almost the worst part. But if that's where you're at, nothing anyone says here is going to help, is it? You're not suddenly going to wake up to how horrible he is and realise you're actually worthy of respect.

How did you get here? Maybe you could talk to a counsellor to try to figure out why you allow other people to shit all over you, if you don't already have an idea.

Ghostontoast · 27/05/2019 12:11

  1. Alcoholic
  1. Financially abusive/incompetant
  1. No respect for you
  1. Potential cheater (goes out with his ex without telling you).
  1. Spends your earned money on his ex (see 2 and 3 and 4)

...and his good points are? Hmm

Abbazed · 27/05/2019 14:01

Three hours? Did they have sex?

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