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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To walk out of hen do.

138 replies

Burlea · 26/05/2019 12:10

Last night there was about 15 ladies at a friends house. She is getting married for the 3rd time next Saturday. Unfortunately her 1st husband died, her 2nd marriage ended because she cheated with the man she marrys on Saturday.
We were drinking, chatting and laughing. No problems there until 3 ladies including the bride decided to talk about how they had cheated. The talk got more and more crude
as they were discussing 3somes, positions etc.It seemed as though they wanted to be the naughtiest. . Now I'm no prude but I am good friends with her ex-husband and also the ex-wife of the groom to be.(we live in a very small town). One person stood up and said I don't mind having a laugh but this is not funny as she walked out myself and another friend joined her.
This morning I got a group chat from the bride saying that us 3 are boring and that's what hen parties are about. Were we being UR.

OP posts:
Lydja · 27/05/2019 18:16

Talk about sex wouldn’t bother me... the boasting about cheating would be to much for me however I would probably be a bit more dramatic then just walking out... I would say if he cheated on his wife with you who is to say he won’t cheat on you with someone else like ... (and name a few girls who were also talking about their cheating experiences) same for him, he’s never fully gonna trust you knowing you’ve cheated on a husband before and could easily do it again..

Ragwort · 27/05/2019 18:22

You did the right thing, and don’t we always tell our DC that if they feel uncomfortable in a situation they should just leave? And Audacity, if someone was making racist or homophobic jokes would you just ‘agree to disagree’ or would you want to actively remove yourself from the situation? Hmm. I am another who has NEVER felt the need to discuss my sex life with anyone & would be horrified if my DH did.

BlueJava · 27/05/2019 18:27

I would entirely keep the peace (and stay classy!) "Hi, glad you enjoyed your hen do, looking forward to [wedding date]. Congrats again!" and leave it at that. Don't rise to her bait!

Vivianebrezilletbrooks · 27/05/2019 18:29

That sound horrendous and I would have walked way although I don't go to hen do's as that kinda thing should be kept private.
Do they think cheating is some kind of a badge of honour? I suppose that's what hen parties are about if you're a certain sort of trashy woman. I'd skip the wedding too. Ugh.

Cornishclio · 27/05/2019 18:29

Don't respond saying you are boring. YWNBU to find sex crude talk about cheating distasteful and uncomfortable and should not need to apologise. I would avoid her hen dos in the future. Just ignore the message. How good a friend is she?

TheFormidableMrsC · 27/05/2019 18:31

Knowing first hand the destruction cheating causes, I would not have been going to the hen party in the first place, let alone the wedding. You need nicer friends OP. YANBU.

marvellousnightforamooncup · 27/05/2019 18:52

Bragging about cheating on your own hen do, that's grim. Why marry if you have so little respect for it?

I hate hen nights. I've got a weekend long one coming up, am dreading it a bit. It's the enforced prosecco drinking, outfit changes, and oh can we have another £100 for said activity etc that I hate. I love the bride to be but I am a total old misery guts.

Ilfie · 27/05/2019 18:56

Can’t believe that you were happy to go there in first place!

londonrach · 27/05/2019 19:00

Yanbu. Cheap people. Some things are private. Third marriage wont last long.

Bwekfusth · 27/05/2019 19:01

Hold up, you went to your ex husbands fiancés hen do? Did he cheat on you with her?

marvellousnightforamooncup · 27/05/2019 19:04

No Bwek. She is friends with ex and friends with ex of groom, as pointed out upthread.

Bizawit · 27/05/2019 19:06

The woman was the common denominator in the demise of both marriages (definately to blame for her own failed marriage me thinks?)

Huh? Wasn’t the cheating man equally the common denominator in the demise of both marriages, and also definitely to blame for his own failed marriage??

JoyceDivision · 27/05/2019 19:08

Oh no, this reminds me of being at a end of year party for work and the staff started playing "Never have I ever..." and it was grim, I wandered off....

manicmij · 27/05/2019 19:09

Well done to you and the two others. Just shows how little respect they have for their partners both past and present. Hope you're not going to the wedding.

BlueEyedPersephone · 27/05/2019 19:23

Well done for standing by your principles but would be hypocritical to still attend wedding.

Sleepyhead11 · 27/05/2019 19:37

I'd feel super awkward too but would probably be less brave than you, and stay, because I find situations like this a bit scary to navigate.

Bwekfusth · 27/05/2019 20:25

@marvellousnightforamooncup ah, see I do have trouble RTFT, must try harder! I don't know what way I read the OP!

FarTooMuchWashing · 27/05/2019 20:29

Well done you!

Squigglesworth · 27/05/2019 21:08

She sounds trashy, to be honest (and the groom, too). I probably wouldn't really want to keep her as a real friend, so I'd just ignore her obnoxious comment-- definitely would not agree that I was "boring". Hmm

I might pass on the wedding, too, if there wasn't some very good reason why I "had" to go (family/business connections I wanted or needed to maintain).

Fowles94 · 27/05/2019 21:15

No I would of done the same too, that's one thing I can't stand, cheats!

Hanab · 27/05/2019 21:18

I would have walked out too! It’s one thing knowing that the person cheated but for the said person to be so blasé about it is not on! I rather be boring and a prude then having to listen to the boasting

HelloooCanYouHearMe · 27/05/2019 22:00

As other pps have said, it's not the sex talk that's the issue. I'm not a loud confident person and if never talk about my own sex life but I can laugh along to a bit of sex 'banter'. However, I do draw the line at cheating banter. I've been in a situation where I watched my own sister and her friend 'compete' at cheating on a night out. I was called boring and my DSIS even had the audacity to go home and complain to her oblivious OH that I'd ruined her night out by being A miserable bitch (But failed to tell him exactly why she considered me boring.

He wasn't the first OH she'd cheated on and I'd had enough of standing back and watching it while she boasted and bragged, and also giving the sex details.

She left him in the end for a teenage lad she met at work. That only lasted a few weeks before she cheated on him too.

We don't speak any more. Her life, her choices, but I can't partake in the bants like it's all a bit if harmless fun. She left her ex, the father of her children, suicidal.

dayswithaY · 27/05/2019 22:16

I wouldn't have gone in the first place or be friends with this woman.

Pantsomime · 27/05/2019 23:22

Saavhi - did you go to wedding/ what did you say to bridevatfer giving stripper a BJ? OP smile, say you knew shots would make you ill and you had to drive next day or something to keep peace, then distance yourself after wedding

AhhhHereItGoes · 27/05/2019 23:26

Not unreasonable at all.
If it was a man saying such people would be rightly disgusted.
I'm no prude if she was talking about threesomes she'd had when single I couldn't care less it's the disrespect. The least she can do if she's cheated is feel remorse for the circumstances.
She sounds like she doesn't give a shit about anyone except herself.