To just move in?

[GardenGnomes]

Sorry if this isn't the right section but I really need some advice.
I had a baby last June and me and my little boy's dad split up at the end of last year. We get on okay now but didn't when we first split.
I've been staying with my mum and sister since me and me ex split. It's been okay, if a little cramped (2 bedroom house with 3 adults, baby, 2 dogs and a cat!) until recently.
My sister has severe mental health issues. Until recently she's controlled it a bit but in the past week she's had two meltdowns. This morning she's got very upset (screaming, crying, banging, throwing things - not in the same room as me and baby) because I fed my son chicken (she a vegan).
I'm so worried about my little boy. I know she won't hurt him but he can hear all that's going on.

I don't have anywhere else to go. I have no friends and no family that have space for us.
Me and my ex had just bought a house together. We have joint ownership. He doesn't know about how bad it's been here because I'm scared he'd try and get custody of our son.
Do I have any rights when it comes to the house? My ex wants to sell it but could I just move in and refuse to leave? Please help ☹️

GardenGnomes

Please make sure that you take proper advice before you jump on the gravy train that daisychain01 believes that you will be on once you are in the house.

You will be entitled to very little monetarily wise from him.

as for "the real security" if this goes to a court you may find that you will be expected to go to work to support yourself and he will (eventually) be able to force the sale of the house, especially if you have no way of paying the mortgage by yourself.

You need legal advice, I think you would be nuts moving in there without him knowing and it being legally agreed.

You will be putting yourself at the whim of his anger. Its a house you have never lived in and you split up 6 months ago. You dont pay any of the bills or mortgage.

So if you move in what will he do? Stop paying any of the bills and possibly the mortgage. Immediately put the house on the market and sell up. Maybe he will be angry and stop any CM. Start legal proceedings to have more access to his DC just to spite you.

You might move in there, spend money on doing it up, have a lot of grief and be forced out in a few months losing all your deposit. Get advice but I think you should sell up get your deposit back and move on.

Please! I'm not suggesting the OP turns it into a gravy train. I am saying the current set of circumstances with this bloke disappearing off back to his single life and going back on his commitments to GardenGnomes makes him a flakey individual and a very uncertain future that he's plunged his own son into. If you can't see the difference then more fool you. And I've stated upthread that she should seek RW advice.

So if you move in what will he do? Stop paying any of the bills and possibly the mortgage*. Rubbish, he would be a fool to do that and I bet he wouldn't, because he'd know it would affect his credit score

Immediately put the house on the market and sell up.. Rubbish, he can't arbitrarily put the house on the market, when GardenGnomes* is legally joint owner

Maybe he will be angry and stop any CM.. Rubbish, even if he does he's completely traceable and GardenGnomes can report him.

Start legal proceedings to have more access to his DC just to spite you.. Rubbish, GardenGnomes has already stated upthread she has no issues with him having access to their son, so he'd be pushing on an open door and shelling out legal fees for no apparent reason.

You might move in there, spend money on doing it up, have a lot of grief and be forced out in a few months losing all your deposit.

Who said anything about doing the place up. That's just made up nonsense.

Daisy chain what are you on! CM can trace him?! Yeah because the CM people are brilliant aren't they and great at chasing up absent fathers The months it will take OP to sort that out are months without money. You seem to have your own agenda on this thread. Most posters have been pretty balanced pointing out that it falls on both sides but you seem to be gunning for the father in this case. Yes I agree he hasn't been father of the year but your advice is incredibly short sighted and extremely vocal. Let's just say fuck any decent relationship with him shall we? Then OP will be back on here bleating about how her arse of an ex is making her life hell.

And no, I don't want to work. Not because I'm lazy, I worked full time for minimum wage before I had my baby. I'm not work shy but I don't want to pay a stranger to look after my baby. I want to look after him myself. I know this probably isn't possible now and I'm miserable about it.

And this is where you lost me OP. So many people have posted about all the help you can get for childcare costs etc. You don't have a right to be a mother who doesn't work. Doesn't matter what a crap hand life has dealt you. I have to work to provide for my child and yes I lose a lot to childcare. Part time work can still pay when you take into account all the help out there.

daisychain01
How many threads do we have on here about men being absolute bastards to the mother of their child, including quitting their job to avoid paying CM.
Of course he can immediately stop paying the bills without it affecting his credit because they wont be his bills they will be OPs.

he can't arbitrarily put the house on the market But he can go to a lawyer and get the process started. As they weren't married and OP hasn't lived there before it should be straight forward. More legal fees and stress for OP.

even if he does he's completely traceable and GardenGnomes can report him
Again read MN more often, that is exactly what a lot of men do and it appears many are successful. More stress on OP and at the very least several months before she gets any money from him sorted.

Rubbish, GardenGnomes has already stated up thread she has no issues with him having access Again many men deliberately take the mothers to court for full residency even though they know they will lose because it causes stress and wastes their money on lawyers.

So if she does this without his knowledge all sorts of problems can be caused to hurt her, why would any one put themselves through this when they could just get their £15k+ back and move on.

Thanks daisychain01 my army of one seems mighty, I appreciate it 🙂

Obviously not going to do anything drastic at least until I get some professional advice on Tuesday.

Also I never said I thought I had the right to be a mother who doesn't work. I said I'm sad that it doesn't seem like I can be. I said I wanted to look after my son myself. I greatly appreciate all the helpful suggestions, they've all been noted down and I'll be talking about all of it when I ring CAB on Tuesday. I want what's best for my son and if that means me returning to work then that's what I'll do.

daisychain01

You need to stop cackling cool your jets and start giving the OP sensible advice.

Lets say that the OP just moves in and (as you imply) give the "manchild" the finger.

He can stop paying for things straight away,
How long will it take for any benefits to kick in?
How long will it take for CM to catch up with him and make him pay?

For all of your "don't settle for the manchild", whose money are you happy for her to live off till she has some kind of money of her own?

Thanks daisychain01 my army of one seems mighty, I appreciate it

You won't appreciate it when it blows up in your face. Good luck, sometimes it's best to see the bigger picture rather than simply appreciate the people who "take your side".

The OP is not taking my word for any of it, she is getting RW advice. I have a right to my opinion, and I still believe she should exercise her legal rights to that property before throwing in the towel and immediately selling up as someone suggested.

She will still need to pay rent if she relinquishes the property. Far better to be paying into her own asset than paying someone else's mortgage.

I'm not work shy but I don't want to pay a stranger to look after my baby

Wow.

Wow nothing

The op has every right to want to raise her baby herself but she's already said if she has to work she will

And I detect a lot of jealousy and sour grapes on MN in general towards people who are property owners. People should be more supportive on here and looking at possibilities rather than doom and gloom towards someone who by all accounts has been stitched up by a feckless bf who decides after making commitments that they cant be a grown up.

For example there is the possibility of going onto interest only mortgage payments for a year or two, which would reduce monthly costs. Also increasing the term of the mortgage. Plus the OP would get 25% off their council tax as single occupancy. These options could take the pressure off monthly outgoings and make it affordable for the OP to keep the property rather than being forced to sell. I had to do this when I lost my DH, the only alternative would have been to sell my property. I'm damn glad I didn't, and it didn't take me long to get back on my feet financially. Owning a property has significant advantages long term.

As someone said upthread "ignore the haters".

daisychain01
And I detect a lot of jealousy and sour grapes on MN in general towards people who are property owners.

None here

People should be more supportive on here and looking at possibilities rather than doom and gloom

Unfortunately if she follows your "opinion" she could well be in a world of shit.

towards someone who by all accounts has been stitched up by a feckless bf who decides after making commitments that they cant be a grown up.

Your bias is showing.
The OP made a (sensible) decision to move in with her family, and it has fallen to bits. Nothing at all to do with the ex.

I have seen no evidence on here that people are resentful of the OP being a property owner. Most of the advice has been that if she moves in she will need to be responsible for the bills etc and get advice on the mortgage. The only difference between most posters and Daisychain is that most posters want the OP to get legal advice AND keep in mind the relationship with her child's father. Not just move in merrily without giving him any warning and expect him to keep paying the bills.

And I detect a lot of jealousy and sour grapes on MN in general towards people who are property owners.

snorts

I can assure you no1 is jealous of OP’s situation. What’s the point in owning a house when you can’t afford the mortgage?

SomeLikeItHotterThanHell I'm appreciating daisychain01 pointing out when people have misread/missed things I've said (easy done when a thread gets long). Like I said, I'm not going to do anything drastic and I appreciate all the suggestions. It's the people who are misreading what I'm saying or picking bits out which out of context make me look unreasonable that I don't appreciate.

@GardenGnomes I haven't read all the comments and glad things have calmed down at home. Once you've sold the house that you both own, it might be worth considering a move with your mum and sister to a larger house, but one with an annexe, so you and baby have your own space? At least it will keep bills down and some have separate a entrance or are completely separate to the main property. Anyway not sure if the budget will stretch that far, but just a thought. Hope your sister gets the help she needs too x

Thanks loveautumn it's certainly an idea. My sister has booked an appointment with a therapist today and has promised to keep seeing her so she's certainly seen that she reacted badly today.
I'm hoping that whether I manage to move out or not that she gets better. My son adores her and it'd be lovely to be able to keep her in his life if possible.

Hope it all goes well for your sister. It sounds like you could probably do with your own space regardless of the on-going issues with your sister, considering you were all set to jointly own a property. I really hope it all works out for you and if you can make the space work in a larger property/separate living quarters, it might actually be the solution in the shorter term 😊🤞🏻

GardenGnomes I think it would be really smart if you to get some legal advice about the house situation. As far as I remember- (and I'm not a lawyer so posting a question in legal for the experts would be a good way forward) however somewhere in the back of my mind I seem to remember that despite not being married - your ex still has a duty to house HIS child in a suitable place.
I think you may have a claim under Schedule 1 of the Children's act. Whereby he may have to allow you to live in your house and pay something towards it until your child is older (18)
IF he is in a position to do so. ..

Is the mortgage easily affordable for him ?

Some details of schedule 1... might be relevant to your circumstances.

Which Financial Orders Can the Court Establish Under the Children Act 1989?
The court has the power to make the following Orders for the benefit of a child:
• Periodical payments
• Secured periodical payments
• Lump sum orders
• Settlement of property
• Transfer of property
The Court will also require each parent to provide detailed information of their financial positions. Additionally, it takes into account a number of factors when considering the appropriate level of financial provision for a child. These include:
• The financial circumstances of each parent currently and in the future
• The financial needs of any children
• The income, earning capacity (if any) property and other financial resources of the child
• Any physical or mental disability of the child
• The manner in which the child was being, or was expected to be, educated or trained.

Buying a property is one of the biggest decisions & investments people make

If he is paying the mortgage & bills why are you not living there ?

Hand wash (I've done it in a bath) or take your washing to friend or family

If you worked, are you now on maternity leave & in receipt of some money ?

I assume you have claimed child benefit ?

I assume you don't live there, because you wanted the support of your family ?