Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To just move in?

155 replies

GardenGnomes · 26/05/2019 11:31

Sorry if this isn't the right section but I really need some advice.
I had a baby last June and me and my little boy's dad split up at the end of last year. We get on okay now but didn't when we first split.
I've been staying with my mum and sister since me and me ex split. It's been okay, if a little cramped (2 bedroom house with 3 adults, baby, 2 dogs and a cat!) until recently.
My sister has severe mental health issues. Until recently she's controlled it a bit but in the past week she's had two meltdowns. This morning she's got very upset (screaming, crying, banging, throwing things - not in the same room as me and baby) because I fed my son chicken (she a vegan).
I'm so worried about my little boy. I know she won't hurt him but he can hear all that's going on.

I don't have anywhere else to go. I have no friends and no family that have space for us.
Me and my ex had just bought a house together. We have joint ownership. He doesn't know about how bad it's been here because I'm scared he'd try and get custody of our son.
Do I have any rights when it comes to the house? My ex wants to sell it but could I just move in and refuse to leave? Please help ☹️

OP posts:
MRex · 26/05/2019 13:53

Try Facebook marketplace and Next Door forum for furniture. We sold a perfectly working fridge freezer for £50, actually I would have taken an offer at £30 but it went quickly.

Underw00dnever · 26/05/2019 13:54

I believe if you own half a property you are liable for half of the mortgage & bills
Even if you are not living in the property, the council tax needs to be paid
If you are not living there, you still need to inform Universal Credit.
What sort of man has a baby & buys a property & then gives up on all his responsibilities ?
I assume you are not married
You both need to sort everything out legally
It's not just you 2 anymore, there is a child to look after too
Citizens Advice
Universal Credit
ASAP

PotOfSilver · 26/05/2019 14:11

If anything he's 'lumbered' me with having to look after a child on my own (of course I don't see it that way).-

Did you ever discuss sharing the child 50/50? If your baby is breast fed etc then I understand but there is room to share the responsibility more evenly as a child gets older. I know a few couples who do this very successfully and it gets rid of the resentment. I also know a few mothers who resent the dads being weekend fathers but then in the next breath worry about them wanting the kids more, which makes my mind boggle.

Anyway, I think the conclusion is you seek legal advice, which is sounds like you are. I hope you find a good, long term, secure option for you and your baby.

WorraLiberty · 26/05/2019 14:16

What sort of man has a baby & buys a property & then gives up on all his responsibilities?

He hasn't though, has he?

He's paying maintenance, paying the mortgage, paying the bills, paying his way (presumably) at his current home.

The OP (although she does admit she's being unreasonable) wants to continue being a SAHM.

But it doesn't sound like it's feasible at all for either of them to fund that on top of everything else.

daisychain01 · 26/05/2019 14:17

All the very best to you and your lo, @GardenGnomes ! Flowers

Original poster
GardenGnomes · 26/05/2019 14:25

I don't really understand how I'd be able to afford to go back to work (but obviously I'll get advice on this on Tuesday).
Childcare would cost my entire wage plus some. So surely I'd be worse off if I went back to work?

OP posts:
SpeckofStardust · 26/05/2019 14:31

It doesn’t matter who paid what re deposit or mortgage contributions if the property is jointly owned, legally OP as a co owner should be able to live there. And, if he’s already paying the mortgage, council tax etc on the empty property and maintenance to OP, the only real difference will be utility bills if OP moves in. Sure, it may mean a difference re benefits OP is entitled to and she may have to consider at least some part time work (we can’t always what we want) but it really makes far more sense than having an empty house standing there.

WorraLiberty · 26/05/2019 14:32

I wouldn't assume anything about childcare costs OP.

You can get proper advice on that from the benefits office or even start a new thread, because there are some very knowledgeable posters on here.

WorraLiberty · 26/05/2019 14:37

SpeckofStardust, he wants to sell the house though.

The OP can't afford her half of the mortgage and it sounds as though he's struggling too if he wants to sell up.

ssd · 26/05/2019 14:53

Hope you get things sorted op, must be an awful worry for you

Grainedmonkey · 26/05/2019 15:15

OP its obvious from your posts that you do not want to work. Many of us may feel that way but we do it anyway because we have to face up to our financial responsibilities.
If your child is 12 months breast feeding 3/4 times during the night sounds a lot. You must be tired and stressed at everything going on but now is a time you need to step up.

fedup21 · 26/05/2019 15:32

I think you are going to need to work otherwise you won’t be entitled to any financial help.

I would seriously cut down on the breastfeeding at night as well if your son is nearly 1-that sounds exhausting! Does his dad have him regularly to give you a break? If you weren’t feeding, he could stay overnight.

Missingstreetlife · 26/05/2019 16:18

Sounds like your sister needs medical help as well as therapy but that's another story.
Ignore the haters on here. The house belongs to you and him. If you want to move in whilst you decide what to do next you can. You could have moved in already. He should be bending over backwards to make life easier for you since he turned your life upside down. Maybe he could visit overnight if that's ok for you, but get legal advice first.
Get legal and money advice first, you should be claiming benefit already, look at the government website about universal credit.
Don't just do what he wants, think what is best for your child, that's what the court will be interested in. It's what he should be prioritising too. There is mediation if you can't agree.

WrongKindOfFace · 26/05/2019 16:39

You can get up to 85% of your childcare costs paid. From age three you also get up to 30 hours of free childcare (term time only) if you’re in work. You’re unlikely to be worse off working.

lyralalala · 26/05/2019 16:44

You can get up to 85% of your childcare costs paid

Up to a maximum of £646 for one child. It’s not 85% regardless.

If you claim UC you’ll not be expected to find work until your child is 3. Once he’s 2 you may be expected to prepare for work, but not actually find work. Once he’s 3 you’ll be expected to look for a minimum of 16 hours work.

You need to get proper advice because you won’t be able to claim housing costs when you own a house (so you can’t go into rented and have it paid for) so you need proper advice on your specific situation.

makingmammaries · 26/05/2019 16:46

Move in. He has a responsibility to provide a home for his child.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 26/05/2019 17:11

He has a responsibility to provide a home for his child

And the OP doesn't? He's paying child support and currently is the only one providing for the child as the OP doesn't want to work.

It's not him that's not stepped up, he's having to cover the joint mortgage alone as the OP isn't covering her share until it's sold yet expects back what she put in.

sincethereis · 26/05/2019 17:11

@makingmammaries
She also has a responsibility to provide for their child.

@SpecofStardust

It wouldn’t just be utility bills. She would need to be able to pay the mortgage, council bill and anything else that Ex is currently paying. She can’t just move in and expect to pay nothing!

Grainedmonkey · 26/05/2019 17:34

She can’t just move in and expect to pay nothing

I'm not sure if this is what OP is angling for but if it is she may well be able to pull it off. I saw on another thread a post about an 'Occupation Order' and with OP not working, having no income and being the main carer for a young child, then the X could find himself having to fork out for the lot.

Original poster
GardenGnomes · 26/05/2019 18:05

I never said I'm expecting to get back what I put in. And I'd say that spending the past 5 months looking after our baby alone is more than 'stepping up'. He's been paying maintenance and paying for the house, yes. But he also backed out of everything we agreed to do. He's the reason he's having to pay bills for two properties right now. Not me.
We could have been living in our house as a family but he didn't want to, he missed his single life, he wanted to have his spare time to concentrate on his hobby. He didn't want to have to spend his weekends looking after a baby.
It was his decision to wait to sell the house until the penalty went down, not mine. We could have sold it back in January.
And no, I don't want to work. Not because I'm lazy, I worked full time for minimum wage before I had my baby. I'm not work shy but I don't want to pay a stranger to look after my baby. I want to look after him myself. I know this probably isn't possible now and I'm miserable about it.

OP posts:
snowdrop6 · 26/05/2019 18:47

Op
Is there any way back with your dp?
If you agreed to move back to where he wants to live ,buy a house where he lives together? You could carry on being a SAHM.i know you said he backed out of everything,but could it be he just didn’t want to move?

snowdrop6 · 26/05/2019 18:48

Apologies if that’s a shit idea ..it was just a passing thought

daisychain01 · 26/05/2019 19:00

OP please don't 'settle' for this manchild. You can do a lot better for yourself! The more you say about him the worse he sounds.

Original poster
GardenGnomes · 26/05/2019 19:11

Getting back together with him really isn't an option. Along with him not stepping up, he was also incredibly unkind to me when I had post natal anxiety. Instead of supporting me he would tell all of his mates and family how 'nuts' I was and even tried to convince my family I was nuts too. He was gaslighting me all through our relationship, it's only now that I'm out of it that I can see that and he's incredibly selfish, which I think he's proving by putting his hobby above his baby.

OP posts:
daisychain01 · 26/05/2019 19:21

Well as far as I'm concerned it's GardenGnomes Army on here from now on Grin stay strong, you'll be fine.

I was thinking with an evil cackle if you're living in that house, he'll definitely have to step up to the plate in terms of supporting you. He certainly won't want to disappear off the face of the earth, and if he thinks he can try and push through selling that house from beneath you, he's got another think coming. It gives you real security for the future. Yes it may be tough to begin with, but things always improve over time, once your finances settle down.

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.