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AIBU?

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Original poster

To just move in?

155 replies

GardenGnomes · 26/05/2019 11:31

Sorry if this isn't the right section but I really need some advice.
I had a baby last June and me and my little boy's dad split up at the end of last year. We get on okay now but didn't when we first split.
I've been staying with my mum and sister since me and me ex split. It's been okay, if a little cramped (2 bedroom house with 3 adults, baby, 2 dogs and a cat!) until recently.
My sister has severe mental health issues. Until recently she's controlled it a bit but in the past week she's had two meltdowns. This morning she's got very upset (screaming, crying, banging, throwing things - not in the same room as me and baby) because I fed my son chicken (she a vegan).
I'm so worried about my little boy. I know she won't hurt him but he can hear all that's going on.

I don't have anywhere else to go. I have no friends and no family that have space for us.
Me and my ex had just bought a house together. We have joint ownership. He doesn't know about how bad it's been here because I'm scared he'd try and get custody of our son.
Do I have any rights when it comes to the house? My ex wants to sell it but could I just move in and refuse to leave? Please help ☹️

OP posts:
Original poster
GardenGnomes · 26/05/2019 12:14

I don't think I can rent if I have no income, or can I? If I prove I have savings?

OP posts:
Original poster
GardenGnomes · 26/05/2019 12:15

Sorry, I'm completely clueless about all this 😕

OP posts:
daisychain01 · 26/05/2019 12:16

Have you paid anything into that property, for example contribution towards the deposit?

He's also paying the bills which as tiny as there's no one there.

Don't assume the bills are necessarily "tiny", just because nobody is currently living there. There will still be standing charges, and some usage. Even the council tax will be payable monthly albeit there would be an adjustment for not having anyone there full time.

Whose name/s are on the bills eg council tax, energy?

I would ensure your name is on the main bills, given you are part owner of the property.

I would definitely consider the option of moving in with your DS. Your ex has a shared responsibility for his child. It's a good thing you are legally the joint owner, and that your DS is his as it gives you a much more solid legal grounding on which to occupy the property.

He cannot legally bar you from entering the house you legally part own. If you have the key I'd move in there ASAP.

daisychain01 · 26/05/2019 12:17

You don't need to rent, just move into the house you part-own!

Eggshellnutmeg · 26/05/2019 12:20

What are you planned my for an income? Use that towards bills? You will be untitled to UC, are you on maternity leave?

Original poster
GardenGnomes · 26/05/2019 12:21

Thanks daisychain01 I paid £15,000 towards the deposit (he paid £20,000) but I'm not paying any of the bills so he's named on all of them.
I have a key and I'm currently a 5 minute drive away from the house but there's no fridge/washing machine or any furniture so it's take a bit of time to get that all sorted. Plus money I can't afford to spend unless I knew I could stay unfortunately ☹️

OP posts:
Eggshellnutmeg · 26/05/2019 12:21

Sorry for typos

Mummyoflittledragon · 26/05/2019 12:22

If he never wanted to move I would be expecting the full amount back from the deposit when the house is sold. He shouldn’t have gone through with the purchase if he didn’t want to so he should bear the brunt of any financial loss. This doesn’t help you in the long run. But in the short term you need to get your baby safe. So yes, I would say you’re going to move in temporarily and would like some assistance from him to come up with a better plan long term.

I get that it’s scary. But you need to be safe. Imagine if he found out what is going on in the household or something happened to your baby. He could use this against you in court.

sincethereis · 26/05/2019 12:22

Ask him!

See what he says, he may be nice seeing as you are amicable

Original poster
GardenGnomes · 26/05/2019 12:24

Eggshellnutmeg at the moment I just get child maintenance from my ex and child benefit. I think to get UC I have to start looking for work soon, don't I? I tried applying for it and it said I had to have an interview with a work coach. If at all possible I'd like to be able to look after my son myself (I know I might be being unreasonable there)

OP posts:
BrendasUmbrella · 26/05/2019 12:25

Inform him you are moving in. You don't need his permission, but neither should you just appear there. Tell him you don't feel the situation is safe for your (yours and his) child, so you will be moving into the house for the time being, and you'll need to discuss bills.

There are community furniture projects in most towns that might be able to help you kit out the house. You could start with a mini fridge, a microwave, and use the launderette, at least you will be in a secure space.

Mummyoflittledragon · 26/05/2019 12:25

Cross post. If it really that bad, you can just take the mattress from the bed you’re sleeping on and the babies stuff. You can do the washing at your mums. Second hand fridge and see if you can get anything crockery, cutlery, pans etc on free cycle. For the time being your bed can be your sofa. Sleep downstairs in the living room.

Longer term you won’t be able to stay though.

Original poster
GardenGnomes · 26/05/2019 12:27

Thank you, just getting this advice is making me feel better.
I know I need to do something. It's just so scary taking that first step.

OP posts:
BrendasUmbrella · 26/05/2019 12:28

I think to get UC I have to start looking for work soon, don't I?

When I was unemployed with a baby I got income support. I suppose that would be UC now. Maybe there are benefits to help with council tax too if your ex refuses to pay once you've moved in. You should ring the benefits advice line. Appointments with a work coach don't necessarily mean sending you out to work, it's to look at and review your situation.

grupple · 26/05/2019 12:29

You say that everything is in his name Did you ringfence your share of the deposit OP?

Original poster
GardenGnomes · 26/05/2019 12:32

Thank you BrendasUmbrella I'm lucky in that I've never had to go through the benefits system before so I'm pretty clueless.
My fear is either my ex getting custody (he's not a bad person but definitely not a capable parent) or me cutting ties here (I wouldn't be able to come back if I left) and ending up either homeless or somewhere unsafe.

OP posts:
BrendasUmbrella · 26/05/2019 12:32

Do you have a door key?

Don't worry about him threatening to seek full residency. Text him that you need to move back into the house, because you're worried that your sister is too unstable to be around your baby. if it came to it, you could use that as proof that you were making decisions to keep your DS safe. He would look bad if he refused to help.

But he's under a year old and presumably has been with you all that time. I seriously doubt (99.99999%) a court would take your baby from you just because you wanted to leave your parents home because of an unstable relative.

Original poster
GardenGnomes · 26/05/2019 12:35

I'm guessing as we signed for the mortgage as joint owners that my part of the deposit is safe? Or should I also be named in bills to secure it?

I have a door key and could go there right now. I currently live a 5 minute drive away (ex lives an hour and a half away).

OP posts:
lyralalala · 26/05/2019 12:35

You need to claim UC and get yourself an income. If your baby is under 3 then you might have to meet with the work coach, but you won't have to look for work. Under 1 you don't usually have to meet with the work coach.

What are you living on at the moment?

daisychain01 · 26/05/2019 12:35

You don't need to give him a reason (such as you "can't stay where you are, due to your family arrangement re your sister") nor do you need to seekhis permission.

In fact it would be more certain from your perspective to actually move in and then tell him. You are doing nothing wrong, you have put a substantial amount of money into that property. I don't know why you don't try and stay there permanently, it's security for you and your son to be owner occupier. Yes you'd need to buy your ex out of his share eventually but you can sort that out later.

Also ring up the utility companies and local authority and get your name onto the bills. This gives you increased stability.

Could you seek some near term financial support from your mum just to get you through this initial period of time?

Original poster
GardenGnomes · 26/05/2019 12:37

Yes he'll be 1 next month and he's been with me the whole time. I tend to think my ex wouldn't want him but his parents would and they're very pushy with him.

OP posts:
daisychain01 · 26/05/2019 12:37

As you're 5 mins down the road, I'd move in there immediately.

Sirzy · 26/05/2019 12:38

You need to sort your financial position, unfortunately that may mean having to return to work sooner than planned however you need to look at long term protecting and supporting your son.

Talk to your ex about everything

Original poster
GardenGnomes · 26/05/2019 12:40

I'm sure my mum would help me (even if it was just a loan) but I would need to pay her back - she's unable to work due to disability so needs the money. I'll ask her what she thinks.

OP posts:
BrendasUmbrella · 26/05/2019 12:42

If there is nothing else going on, no substance abuse or dodgy boyfriends, and your only issue is providing a safe home for your child, you don't have anything to fear from the courts. especially as you jointly own a property that would be a suitable home.

Ideally, if your ex was reasonable and cooperative, and things at home relatively calm, you could state that you moved back in to your house while still getting prepared, so you could start off your benefits claims at that address while still living at home. I think it takes 4-6 weeks before the money comes in.

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