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AIBU?

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Original poster

To just move in?

155 replies

GardenGnomes · 26/05/2019 11:31

Sorry if this isn't the right section but I really need some advice.
I had a baby last June and me and my little boy's dad split up at the end of last year. We get on okay now but didn't when we first split.
I've been staying with my mum and sister since me and me ex split. It's been okay, if a little cramped (2 bedroom house with 3 adults, baby, 2 dogs and a cat!) until recently.
My sister has severe mental health issues. Until recently she's controlled it a bit but in the past week she's had two meltdowns. This morning she's got very upset (screaming, crying, banging, throwing things - not in the same room as me and baby) because I fed my son chicken (she a vegan).
I'm so worried about my little boy. I know she won't hurt him but he can hear all that's going on.

I don't have anywhere else to go. I have no friends and no family that have space for us.
Me and my ex had just bought a house together. We have joint ownership. He doesn't know about how bad it's been here because I'm scared he'd try and get custody of our son.
Do I have any rights when it comes to the house? My ex wants to sell it but could I just move in and refuse to leave? Please help ☹️

OP posts:
daisychain01 · 26/05/2019 12:43

Your ex has a right to have access to his child, and it isn't a bad thing that his parents are involved as it could influence him towards taking his parental duties seriously. He has to man up and take those responsibilities seriously, and morally, even if not legally as you aren't married, that means he should be willing to enable you as the mother of his child, to have a roof over your head (especially as you've put in almost the same as him to secure that property), you are the primary carer for the DS he helped to create.

YoThePussy · 26/05/2019 12:44

Move in as soon as you can. I assume your son has all the things he needs so will be comfortable wherever you go. Second hand fridge and as said upthread do washing at your Mums until you can sort something out. Rest of it you can muddle through. It’s the summer so much easier, eat in the garden if you have one for example if you don’t have a dining room table and chairs. Treat it as an adventure for your son.

BrendasUmbrella · 26/05/2019 12:45

Actually I agree, don't tell him, just do it. He could change the locks. Not that it's legal for him to do that, but it would be a huge hassle to sort out. Move in, and then when it comes to it you can truthfully tell him you were afraid for your baby's safety around your sister.

And the courts are not going to penalize you for moving into your home to protect your child!

Bibijayne · 26/05/2019 12:46

Also worth checking what you can claim:

www.moneysavingexpert.com/family/benefits-check/

runoutofnamechanges · 26/05/2019 12:48

As PPs have said, if your name is on the deeds, your ex can't stop you moving into the house. On the other hand, he can legally force you to sell the property if that is what he wants.

If you can't afford to take on the house yourself, can you afford to pay the bills and half of the mortgage payments? If you can, that would be a fair solution in the meantime that hopefully your ex would be amenable to as it stops him wasting money on bills when the house is empty. Better to propose the idea to him as a sensible financial decision (that is also for the well being of your child) and have him on side in case he threatens to stop paying the mortgage (which would be detrimental to him too but he wouldn't be the first to pull that kind of stunt). You don't need to tell him why, just that you are overcrowded at your mum's and it would be better for the baby to live in the house which is otherwise going to waste.

Is he paying CM? If not, you might want to check out what he should be paying. Maybe CM and your income would mean you could afford the mortgage alone?

Even if it is a temporary move until the property sells it would give you breathing space to find an alternative solution.

I'm assuming you aren't married? If you are, you would be in a stronger position re the house.

BrendasUmbrella · 26/05/2019 12:48

Also, does he go to the house much? You might get a few weeks peace and quiet while also nipping back to your DM's, while the benefits get sorted. That would be even better!

Original poster
GardenGnomes · 26/05/2019 12:49

He has access and I'd never stop him seeing our son. He comes to see him whenever he likes and stays for as long as he likes (currently it's a few hours once a week) but he's spoken about wanting to have our son overnight which is what I'm worried about as I'm still breastfeeding (son wakes 3/4 times a night to feed) and my ex believes in controlled crying (as do his parents) which I'm totally against.
There's nothing else going on. No scary ex's, no substance abuse. I have anxiety, which my ex has tried to use against me in the past, but I'm working on it and have improved hugely since we split up.

OP posts:
IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 26/05/2019 12:49

Are you expecting him to pay the mortgage and bills for you? If so, YWBVU to just move in. Very different if you are going to cover the house costs.

Sign up to a temp agency etc, it's easier to quickly pick up work if no notice period etc to give.

Sirzy · 26/05/2019 12:50

I am amazed people are suggesting just move in and don’t tell him - why risk creating animosity and problems for the sake of having an adult conversation about the welfare of their child?

was the property purchased as tenants in common or joint tenants?

Original poster
GardenGnomes · 26/05/2019 12:52

We meet at the house weekly when he comes to see our son so there'd be no hiding that I'd moved in if I did unfortunately.

OP posts:
fedup21 · 26/05/2019 12:53

Have you got any income to pay the mortgage/bills?

You need to speak to him.

BoneyBackJefferson · 26/05/2019 12:53

GardenGnomes

I think that you need to talk to a specialist before you move in to the house.

I think that you also need to be very aware that when you move in the bills will become your problem and that you can't expect him to pay bills for which he is not creating.

MissMary0fSweden · 26/05/2019 12:55

Your current living conditions can't have done much good for your mum and sisters stress levels either tbh.
I think for everybody's sake you need an open and honest conversation with your ex as to what you need from now on.

runoutofnamechanges · 26/05/2019 12:57

You could get a lodger/house mate to share bills and earn some income from their rent.

Missingstreetlife · 26/05/2019 12:58

In this order
Yes you can move in, it's yours. Get legal advice asap and look at benefits and maintainance. Talk to him about how he can support his child. House may be sold or repossessed, get advice about rehousing.

DishingOutDone · 26/05/2019 12:59

OP this is madness, you need legal advice ASAP, but you also need benefits advice so I would suggest the quickest and easiest way is to see if your local CAB has a drop in or appointments system where you can speak to someone to get a full assessment. Everyone here is trying to help but you keep mentioning you are clueless and on this occasion I'd have to agree; its like you have no idea of your rights but also no idea of your responsibilities.

On Tuesday morning find out what advice services/CAB is in your area and get some help.

Missingstreetlife · 26/05/2019 13:00

He can't seperate a bf baby from mum. He will have to wait for overnight stay. Legal advice op

SapatSea · 26/05/2019 13:05

Get some proper advice on benefits and maintenance. Make a Citizens advice appointment or with a local charity who have welfare benefits expertise. You have as much right to be in the house as your ex if you are both named on the registration deeds for the house and mortgage.

Once I knew my rights then I'd speak to your ex and explain that you would like to move in, either on a permanent basis or while the house is on the market. You don't need to say your sister's MH is worrying you just that the house is a bit cramped and you would like some head space. No one would give full custody to him and his parents if your child is being well cared for.
Why haven't you put the house up for sale? Once you have your share of the deposit back you could rent privately as you could pay the rent upfront for a period if you don't meet the affordability criteria as many LL's will accept this.

You need to get everything on a proper footing, selling the house, CM etc.

Missingstreetlife · 26/05/2019 13:05

Mortgage could be extended, interest only, very small repayments. Maybe cheapest option.

WorraLiberty · 26/05/2019 13:08

I am amazed people are suggesting just move in and don’t tell him - why risk creating animosity and problems for the sake of having an adult conversation about the welfare of their child?

Me too!

He's paying council tax, water, gas, electric etc which the OP can't afford to do.

If she creates animosity, he could well end up leaving those bills to her or at least half of them.

kittens876 · 26/05/2019 13:08

Ok you need to get some proper benefits advice. Call the job centre and ask to speak to the lone parent team or go to the cab. They are really helpful. Depending on what you get for child maintenance you may be able to pay the mortgage that, and claim universal credit for bills. You can’t get help with mortgage costs with universal credit but depending on how much the mortgage is you may be able to manage financially. Tbh you need to either sell the house or live in it. Benefits wise you won’t get housing benefit unless you rent and don’t own. There is an option to have housing benefit while you are selling the house which you then pay back once it’s sold. Xxx

Original poster
GardenGnomes · 26/05/2019 13:10

Thanks everyone, I think talking to CAB is a good idea and I'll ring them on Tuesday. Like you say, I am clueless. I'm just looking for some advice before I can talk to someone professional as with it being a Sunday, and bank holiday tomorrow then advice on here is all I have.

OP posts:
fedup21 · 26/05/2019 13:11

My ex wants to sell it but could I just move in and refuse to leave?

That would be a seriously shitty thing to do.

Is the house on the market?

Original poster
GardenGnomes · 26/05/2019 13:12

I know fedup21 I'm just in a mess and trying to figure out what to do

OP posts:
PotOfSilver · 26/05/2019 13:13

Sorry but why on Earth is OP entitled to move into a house she pays nothing towards without discussing it with the person she owns it with?

I get that her name is on it but if she moves in then surely she needs to pay half of everything? If she moves in then he could just stop paying and then the house ends up repossessed? What a stupid game to play, encouraging op to do something underhand when she is trying to maintain a good relationship with her baby's father. This is someone's actual life!

Op so many people have told you to actually talk to him, so why don't you? You can just say you don't get on with your family. Having a good relationship with your ex is important for you and your child. You may be able to come to an agreement about the house together. If he sells it then surely you get at least your deposit back etc and could put that towards renting or something. Either way, you have no choice but to talk to him. Or, you know, just move all your stuff in and break the trust you have been building, causing issues and resentment for the coming years Hmm

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