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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not go to my mums wedding?

77 replies

Ohgodbringmecoffee · 25/05/2019 21:06

I'm 23 with a 3 year old daughter and 8 month old son. My mum is 45 and has been with her partner for 6 years, I get on with them both, I'm not super close to her partner but I thought I was close to my mum. I try and see her at least once a week, once a fortnight at the very least.
So they announced they were engaged in November and are due to marry in August, so far so good. Until today when we were talking about the wedding and she dropped in casually that her partners daughter in law would be her bridesmaid and her sons pageboys so she had to factor that in on seating plans ect. I was a bit taken aback that neither me or my daughter had been asked to be bridesmaids (my son I' have understood because he is very little). It was my understanding (because obviously i'd have thought she'd have asked me or at least my daughter) that there was going to be no bridesmaids/ pageboy jazz to save on stresses in that area.
The fact that she dropped it in so casually shows to me that she doesn't think it's that big of a deal so I want to know if i'd be unreasonable to A. Take it up with her, especially on my daughters behalf or B. Just not go to the wedding altogether.
There is a part of me that thinks I am being unreasonable because obviously it's her wedding and she can choose who does what but it doesn't sit right with me that my little girl isn't going to be a bridesmaid at my mothers wedding.

OP posts:
Cariadne · 25/05/2019 21:09

I would talk to her OP - maybe she thinks she’s saving you some stress or something? But you definitely wouldn’t be unreasonable to ask her why, and to tell her you’re hurt.

sirmione16 · 25/05/2019 21:10

If it were me I'd be raising it. 100%. Something along the lines of "really looking forward to your day, it sounds great, but I have to mention that I was a little upset you hadn't considered me or dd in your bridal party as would've loved to be involved" the fact she mentioned it so casually makes me think she hasn't done it out of spit, or that she's avoiding including you (otherwise she would avoid discussing it, or make a big point of saying something)

sirmione16 · 25/05/2019 21:10

Out of spite** that should read

OwlinaTree · 25/05/2019 21:11

If you are close could you say 'I'm a bit sad that my DD hasn't been asked to be a bridesmaid, did you think she was a bit young?' and see what she says?

floraloctopus · 25/05/2019 21:11

Is it going to make any difference to your daughter? She's 3 and won't remember the day and it's likely to be a very long day for a young child.

sirmione16 · 25/05/2019 21:14

it going to make any difference to your daughter? She's 3 and won't remember the day and it's likely to be a very long day for a young child.

At 3 she'd be excited to be a flower girl or something, made a fuss of. And positions in bridal party are an honour as such - it's the principal of it that's upset the OP, not the status.

RaffertyFair · 25/05/2019 21:14

Ohgodbringmecoffee. You say her partners dil will be bridesmaid? So not even her partner's dd? And his grandsons as page boys. I would be hurt by that. I can't imagine not wanting my own family involved especially 3 year old dgd.

I still would go to the wedding but would probably tell my mum I was hurt.

bridgetreilly · 25/05/2019 21:15

Not going to the wedding would be a ludicrous overreaction. Talk to her about it if you really must, but tbh, I would just keep your mouth shut and enjoy the day. Your daughter is 3. She won't even know there's an issue unless you put it in her head.

stanski · 25/05/2019 21:16

Of course you should bring it up with her!

PurpleDaisies · 25/05/2019 21:17

I can understand why you’re upset.

I’d talk to your mum and tell her how you’re feeling.

bridgetreilly · 25/05/2019 21:17

Also, I'd bet money that the partner's dil is the one who's kicked up an almighty fuss, partner has given in to avoid a massive row, and your mother is just going along with it.

dirtystinkyrats · 25/05/2019 21:18

I assume she would have thought you would have too much to do managing both of them without trying to get your 3 year old to do any flower girl duties.

Smelborp · 25/05/2019 21:18

Is she just talking about needing to include them in her plans because they’ll be bridesmaids (as well)?

If she hasn’t finalised plans yet maybe she hasn’t asked you yet but assumes you know?

It might be clutching at straws but could be a remote possibility.

RaffertyFair · 25/05/2019 21:18

It's a pretty public snub bridgetreilly

CorBlimeyGovenor · 25/05/2019 21:20

I have to say that I find it very peculiar that her partner's son's wife will be her bridesmaid and that she didn't ask you! Do you have any other brothers or sisters? Could there be any reason re constraints on numbers? Perhaps she felt that you had too much going on with your life and she was doing her a favour. You should definitely raise it with her. I think that you need to understand what's behind her thought process.

RaffertyFair · 25/05/2019 21:20

Are you your DH's only child? And how many children / grandchildren does her DP have?

RaffertyFair · 25/05/2019 21:21

DM not DH ffs autocorrect

Quintella · 25/05/2019 21:22

Talk to her about it if you really must, but tbh, I would just keep your mouth shut and enjoy the day

Why?!

She's hardly going to enjoy the day much if she's feeling hurt for being passed over by her mother.

OP, of course you should talk to her about it. She's your mother, not a social acquaintance.

MondeoFan · 25/05/2019 21:24

I'd be very upset about that. I would say you and your DD should be bridesmaid or at the very least your DD. She's 3 think how wonderful she'd look.
This would kill off any relationship I had with my mum tbh

Eliza9919 · 25/05/2019 21:26

I'd say something.

Drum2018 · 25/05/2019 21:26

Your dd is too young to be a bridesmaid, but could be a flowergirl if your mother wanted one. What age are the pageboys? If similar to your dd then it's a bit shitty that she doesn't have your dd as flowergirl, but if they are older then maybe she just doesn't want the hassle of a toddler in the bridal party.

I would take issue with the fact that she has asked her partners DIL to be a bridesmaid as opposed to you though. Is she very friendly with the DIL?

Gazelda · 25/05/2019 21:27

I'd definitely tell her that I was surprised and hurt.

WeedsAndMoss · 25/05/2019 21:29

You sure she isn't just assuming you know that you will be?

Tavannach · 25/05/2019 21:31

Talk to her. That seems very insensitive and hurtful.

Eustasiavye · 25/05/2019 21:36

Have you got a partner op?
If you are on your own,could it be that she thinks it's too much hassle for you?

Otherwise I'm not sure if the logic behind it.

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