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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not go to my mums wedding?

77 replies

Ohgodbringmecoffee · 25/05/2019 21:06

I'm 23 with a 3 year old daughter and 8 month old son. My mum is 45 and has been with her partner for 6 years, I get on with them both, I'm not super close to her partner but I thought I was close to my mum. I try and see her at least once a week, once a fortnight at the very least.
So they announced they were engaged in November and are due to marry in August, so far so good. Until today when we were talking about the wedding and she dropped in casually that her partners daughter in law would be her bridesmaid and her sons pageboys so she had to factor that in on seating plans ect. I was a bit taken aback that neither me or my daughter had been asked to be bridesmaids (my son I' have understood because he is very little). It was my understanding (because obviously i'd have thought she'd have asked me or at least my daughter) that there was going to be no bridesmaids/ pageboy jazz to save on stresses in that area.
The fact that she dropped it in so casually shows to me that she doesn't think it's that big of a deal so I want to know if i'd be unreasonable to A. Take it up with her, especially on my daughters behalf or B. Just not go to the wedding altogether.
There is a part of me that thinks I am being unreasonable because obviously it's her wedding and she can choose who does what but it doesn't sit right with me that my little girl isn't going to be a bridesmaid at my mothers wedding.

OP posts:
FoldyRoll · 28/05/2019 03:23

Having been in a similar position, OP, you need to talk to her and do so well before the wedding.

My only DSis was my only bridesmaid. When she got married, I was left out of the large bridal party completely. Not even asked to do a reading or similar. Other family members interfered and put pressure on her to include me. She did buckle and asked me to be MoH about 3 days before the wedding, but in such a way that made it even more obvious that it was done on purpose, out of spite.
I did go to the wedding as a normal guest but it was so hard to brush off the confused looks and questions from family friends.

We've long since made up, and are extremely close again, but honestly, that is the single most hurtful thing that has ever happened to me, and I've lived through some proper shit. It was years ago, and we are close again but just reading your post makes me feel all churned up and sick.

If I had just spoken to DSis instead of insisting that it was her wedding and none of my business, we could have sorted it out (I had unwittingly pissed her off and she did have a legit grievance). Don't be like me OP, it could be a misunderstanding, like PP have said. Good luck Thanks

Rocketgirl1 · 28/05/2019 03:26

Very weird. What on earth is she thinking? Definitely ask her outright.

Cheekychops82 · 28/05/2019 03:51

Emmeline50 Exactly the same happened to me! Wedding was just a few weeks ago.
I am so very close to my Dad and always got on well with the stepmother. Yet I was the only adult child on both sides (out of 5) to not have a role whatsoever in the day.
It hurts and has definitely affected my feelings towards my Dads wife and also him!

Emmeline50 · 28/05/2019 06:33

Cheekychops82, I’m sorry the same thing happened to you! While I’m not close to my dad I thought we had a good relationship and I always got on well with my step mother. It was a few years ago now but it took a while for the hurt to fade.

TidyDancer · 28/05/2019 06:44

I would be very hurt by this, I don't know if I could bring myself to go. What a selfish and thoughtless thing to (not) do to your own DD.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 28/05/2019 07:02

Is it possible she thinks you’re obviously also bridesmaids/flower girls so hadn’t explicitly asked? I think I would ask how she sees your/DD’s role in the wedding. If there isn’t one, yanbu to be hurt.

IHeartArya · 28/05/2019 07:04

She knows what’s she’s doing. I’d be looking at her & her dps relationship with fresh eyes. But I would say something & probably not go. Too hurtful.

Rocketgirl1 · 28/05/2019 07:06

I think she knows what she’s doing too hence why she dropped it into conversation casually. I’m surprised it hasn’t come up before though if the wedding is this August. What did you think was happening till she told you this?

Tbh I would consider not going. Why is she putting the dil before you?

TheSerenDipitY · 28/05/2019 07:12

next time she brings up the wedding details, just say as you are the "unwanted red headed step child" you have no interest in hearing the details and when people ask you hope that she and he can be honest and say that his daughter is far more important to them than the brides daughter and grand daughter and tell her because you will be honest

before the permanently offended jump on the train to shocked and dismayed, i say that as a red headed former step child :)

HariboLectar · 28/05/2019 07:31

clutching at straws When I got married I didn't ask my two bridesmaids to be my bridesmaids, it was just something that we knew was going to happen. Could this be the case with your Mum?

Please speak to her OP. I'm not sure what to suggest if it turns out she hasn't thought of you, I'm not sure I'd want to be her bridesmaid if she hadn't intended to have you then asked later because you'd raised the issue.

ffs74 · 28/05/2019 07:35

I married dh at a similar age to your mum. My dd was my bridesmaid, younger ds was 'assistant best man' I can't imagine not involving them and I'm not surprised you're hurt op

Star81 · 28/05/2019 07:51

I think having a chat is the best way to get it out in the open. Otherwise you’ll always wonder why and that will damage your relationship.

StreetwiseHercules · 28/05/2019 07:55

Why does everything have to be such a drama? With young kids, just be glad all you have to do is turn up.

TheSerenDipitY · 28/05/2019 08:03

@StreetwiseHercules
just be glad all you have to do is turn up? next you will be suggesting she be glad she is invited at all...
its her mothers wedding,she is excited for her and no doubt wants to stand up with her and be a real part of the joining of the two families, but no, she has been sidelined without it even been discussed, had her mother said to her i wanted you and kids to be part of the wedding party but thought it might be too much stress with all the getting ready and keeping the kids happy etc etc, she might be able to understand and agree that it will be stressful on her and the kids...
but to be told that her mothers step daughter in law is in the wedding part and no mention of her or the kids is very hurtful and i guess she is feeling very much like she isnt a member of her mothers "new" family
her hurt is understandable

simplekindoflife · 28/05/2019 08:05

I think it's pretty strange to have the groom's daughter in law as a bridesmaid but not the daughter of the bride?! Confused

And all grandchildren should be included or none at all. Leaving people out isn't nice, especially family, but leaving kids out is just mean and spiteful.

This stuff makes people feel left out and pushed aside and creates unnecessary bad feeling for years to come.

I'd have to say something! Would be interesting to hear her reasons...

missminagrindlay · 28/05/2019 08:07

It wouldn't be odd at all for a woman to have her 23 year old daughter in her wedding party. What is weird is not having her but having step dil instead!

What is weird is a 45-year-old who has a 23-year-old and grandchildren having some big shindig of a wedding with bloody bridesmaids.

riotlady · 28/05/2019 08:12

@missminagrindlay I suppose women over 40 should just elope in the night to spare their family the shame? Hmm

PompeyBez · 28/05/2019 08:20

I would feel very hurt in your position too, particularly that your children have been excluded. Is her partner's son going to be his best man? You really should talk to her about it. It does sound like she may feel awkward in the way she has just dropped it in casually and not given a reason. I would want to know why.

rainbowstardrops · 28/05/2019 08:44

They've chosen his Dil over you???!!!! That is pretty bloody weird!
Definitely talk to your mum and find out her reasoning. I'd be upset too

StarJumpsandaHalf · 28/05/2019 10:15

I can’t imagine that she doesn’t realise how much she is hurting you to choose her future husband‘s son’s wife as her bridesmaid and his grandsons as pages and not to even discuss with you a role in her wedding party . You have to ask her about it .

Eustasiavye · 28/05/2019 17:15

Why on earth is it weird for a 40 plus to get married an have a celebration ?
It's not 1776 you know. Not only teenage maidens get married!!!!

PinkieTuscadero · 28/05/2019 17:18

What is weird is a 45-year-old who has a 23-year-old and grandchildren having some big shindig of a wedding with bloody bridesmaids.

I'm not sure what would be an appropriate way for a 45 year old woman with adult children and small grandchildren to celebrate her nuptials. A new hessian frock to be worn whilst undertaking a few hours quiet contemplation?

butterflywings37 · 28/05/2019 17:26

What is the issue with a 45 year old getting married and having bridesmaids? Why shouldn't she??

vincettenoir · 28/05/2019 19:22

I would speak to her. Agree that it’s odd that she didn’t seem to think you would mind at all.

PonderingPanda · 28/05/2019 19:38

Ummm...don't think OP will be returning...