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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to not go to my mums wedding?

77 replies

Ohgodbringmecoffee · 25/05/2019 21:06

I'm 23 with a 3 year old daughter and 8 month old son. My mum is 45 and has been with her partner for 6 years, I get on with them both, I'm not super close to her partner but I thought I was close to my mum. I try and see her at least once a week, once a fortnight at the very least.
So they announced they were engaged in November and are due to marry in August, so far so good. Until today when we were talking about the wedding and she dropped in casually that her partners daughter in law would be her bridesmaid and her sons pageboys so she had to factor that in on seating plans ect. I was a bit taken aback that neither me or my daughter had been asked to be bridesmaids (my son I' have understood because he is very little). It was my understanding (because obviously i'd have thought she'd have asked me or at least my daughter) that there was going to be no bridesmaids/ pageboy jazz to save on stresses in that area.
The fact that she dropped it in so casually shows to me that she doesn't think it's that big of a deal so I want to know if i'd be unreasonable to A. Take it up with her, especially on my daughters behalf or B. Just not go to the wedding altogether.
There is a part of me that thinks I am being unreasonable because obviously it's her wedding and she can choose who does what but it doesn't sit right with me that my little girl isn't going to be a bridesmaid at my mothers wedding.

OP posts:

Dippypippy1980 · 25/05/2019 21:38

I would have to tell my mum how hurt I am.

If you go people will probably assume you disapprove and have refused to be in the wedding, rather than your mum chose her soon to be step daughter in law over you.

Your mum must realise this will hurt you. The step dil must also see how odd this is.

Mummyoflittledragon · 25/05/2019 21:39

Talk to her. Tell her you’re surprised and hurt that she has chosen two unrelated people to be her bridesmaids. She has a daughter and a granddaughter and not to have been asked is very upsetting.

jessicawessica · 25/05/2019 21:43

Weddings seem to be the time when people show their true colours.
That's pretty shit behaviour from your own mum. Is she being pressured from DP?
Why can't she at least have your DD as a flowergirl?

Gigglinghysterically · 25/05/2019 21:43

Am I the only one to think it would be a bit weird to have your 23 year old dd as a bridesmaid. (I presume Maid or Matron of honour). Maybe the 3 year old though.

I also think it's very strange for Groom's DiL to be bridesmaid (again presume Matron of Honour as a married woman). Perhaps he is just very close to her and, as OP says, she isn't particularly close to him. Are you sure you are as close to your DM as you think?

PonderingPanda · 25/05/2019 21:44

That's pretty shitty OP. I really hope that there is a simple explanation, like she just expected you to know that you and DD would be bridesmaids.

Wonderbag · 25/05/2019 21:46

Don’t be so sure she doesn’t know how hurtful it is. If that were my mum, the casual dropping it in conversation would mean she knew exactly how hurtful it would be.
That casual drop would have been planned.

Travis1 · 25/05/2019 21:49

Speak to her op. I definitely couldn’t let it go

RaffertyFair · 25/05/2019 21:49

Why are people getting hung up on the minutiae of titles (flower girl vs bridesmaid, matron of honour vs bridemaid).

It wouldn't be odd at all for a woman to have her 23 year old daughter in her wedding party. What is weird is not having her but having step dil instead!

Eustasiavye · 25/05/2019 21:53

Why on earth is it off to have your 23 year old daughter as a bridesmaid?
Seriously, I don't know if anyone who would find that odd.
We are not living in the sad old days where only 'virgins' could marry.

Mammatino · 25/05/2019 21:58

I agree with the "pretty shitty", posts. Bridesmaids are part of the brides party aren't they? So it should be your mum that chooses her bridesmaids not the groom. Perhaps you could be your mums best man if they are swapping around roles? I agree you are right to be hurt and I cannot understand why your mother wouldn't understand that you would be. She should have explained to you what the thinking behind it was as you are her daughter and that's a pretty important relationship.

Aridane · 25/05/2019 22:01

A, not B

Pinkyyy · 25/05/2019 22:07

I wouldn't go. You shouldn't have to raise it with her, they shouldn't be an afterthought. If she asked now, I'd say no.

SirVixofVixHall · 25/05/2019 22:11

Yes, bridesmaids. , matrons of honour etc are the bride’s party and for the bride to choose. I , like other pps, wonder if she means that the partner’s Dil will be a bridesmaid as well as you and your dd.
You do need to ask her. It is a very strange thing to do. Does her partner resent you ? Is he controlling ?

RaffertyFair · 25/05/2019 22:15

If she asked now, I'd say no. So would I. But I'd still want to speak to my mum before making the decision not to go to the wedding.

jessicawessica · 25/05/2019 22:24

Something like this can cause massive rifts in families where people naturally thought they were an important part of, only to find they're not.
I don't think OP is overreacting at all and would completely understand if she didn't want to go.
Can't help thinking DM's DP has a hand in all this.

fargo123 · 26/05/2019 05:56

You definitely need to bring it up. Had I been in that position, it would have just been an automatic/reflex reaction at the time to query why I wasn't asked.

As her daughter who appears/appeared to have a good relationship with her mother, you should have been the first person she asked to be in the bridal party. This other woman isn't even her stepdaughter-to-be. It's her daughter-INLAW-to-be - hardly a close family relationship.

If my mother did refuse to have me as the main bridal party member, whilst still insisting on having this other woman, then, yes. I would skip the wedding.

fargo123 · 26/05/2019 05:57

Actually, even if my mother asked now, I'd say 'no', as it'd just be insulting frankly.

I wouldn't attend the wedding now under any circumstances.

Jennbot · 26/05/2019 06:49

Yadnbu to be upset that your mum has chosen her dil over her dd to be bridesmaid. That's nasty. Made worse by no explanation as she definitely knows how weird that is. People at the wedding will talk about it too. She is basically snubbing you at the wedding by showing that her dil is more important.
Perfectly fine to not go.
Ask her why she pretending this is not weird?

whiteroseredrose · 26/05/2019 07:30

I'd have asked straight out. Why on earth is your DIL being bridesmaid and not me? Of course ask her.

maddening · 26/05/2019 08:31

I would just ask her "so why are dd and I, or at least dd not in the bridal party when the grooms family is"

ChillaxingInMyKimono · 26/05/2019 09:13

You can't just not go to the wedding. Your mum will want to know why you're not going, surely, so you'd have to raise it anyway.

Just ask her what's going on. It seems so bizarre.

Nicrews · 26/05/2019 18:22

You have every right to be upset. I would talk to your mom ask her why you were not asked to be a Bridesmaid. I understand she not asking your 3yr old to be a Bridesmaid but a flower girl would be so cute. She maybe think it might be to much on you to be in the wedding with 2 small children. But you don’t know until you ask. If you are not happy with her answer and it hurts you. Go to the wedding anyway. You don’t have to stay long but at least you showed up. You are not doing it for her but for yourself and setting an example on how to be a bigger person for your children. It is not the easiest thing to do the right thing, but in the end you will end up the happiest and without fault. Not adding any fuel to the fire. No regrets. If you were not to go you are allowing people to create a false narrative about you. And sounds like you are not that type of person at all. When the wedding is over you can distance yourself from them but never be mean or hateful you would just hurt yourself. But you don’t deserve to be treated that way by your own mother.

Raking14823 · 26/05/2019 20:32

What did you do to help your mother with the wedding? The DIL may have helped pick out her dress, her flowers etc. When she heard wedding she went “OMG I CANNOT WAIT! Mary you’ll look lovely in ivory with pale roses. Do you want cake or Pie?” Your attitude seems to be “OK you’ve been together 6 years, no big deal.”

Opinionated1998 · 28/05/2019 02:53

You should definitely bring it up with her and tell her that it hurts you that she didn't include you in something like this and that it feels like her daughter-in-law is more important to her than you. That would hurt me. I would definitely say something to my mom.

Emmeline50 · 28/05/2019 03:17

OP, I know how you feel. When my father and step mother married I was the only one of their children (all adults) not included in the wedding party and it hurt a lot. My advice is that you talk to her and tell her how you feel.

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