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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Family dilemma: PLEASE HELP!

110 replies

Mum4891 · 25/05/2019 01:08

My husband and I have a baby. We both have FT jobs and I am the main breadwinner. I LOVE my job and have good career progression opportunities. My husband hates his job and applied for a job in another country. When we went there, I didn’t like it and said no immediately. I allowed myself to be coerced into saying yes as he’d be unhappy if we remained where we are, and I can be a FT mum. However, I have now realized that I have made a huge mistake. The thought of moving there fills me with doom and I feel like I have ruined my life. People keep saying “you can always move back” but my job will be gone by then and it’s very rare to have jobs in my line of work advertised where we live.
I have shared this with my husband and feel awful as I’ve thrown a gigantic spanner in the works. We are now at stalemate where he refuses to stay here and I am filled with dread and sadness at the thought of moving. I feel like we have completely different life goals and I don’t know how we can reconcile this. How can we find a compromise?

OP posts:
sackrifice · 25/05/2019 01:11

Let him go and you stay here?

justilou1 · 25/05/2019 01:12

Can he commute???

SandAndSea · 25/05/2019 01:19

Could you let him go and you stay here? Maybe you could agree to do it for a year?

Kaleela · 25/05/2019 01:20

Don't go period. Where has he compromised for you? Where has he supported you!? Don't do anything for him that he won't do for you. Don't put yourself in a vulnerable position just so HE is happy

AlunWynsKnee · 25/05/2019 01:20

He wouldn't be the first person to work abroad while his family stay home.
Also read up about habitual residence. If you moved, stayed for a while and then wanted to leave to come home you could be in legal difficulties.

RageAgainstTheVendingMachine · 25/05/2019 01:21

You can't love. I am so sorry.
Listen to your gut.
You will resent him if you go.
You will resent losing a job you love - and a job you love is rare.
You will suffer from culture shock.
You will feel hemmed in by SAHM status.
You feel coerced.
This has red flags all over it.

VimFuego101 · 25/05/2019 01:26

How far away is it? Can he commute?

Catren · 25/05/2019 01:27

Don't do it. If my dh agreed to this but then changed his mind and really really didn't want to do it, there's no way I'd make him move abroad for me. We moved to my country a few years ago together and he had been keen for years to come, it was only when I was sure he really meant it and would be able to work etc. that we did the move. I couldn't imagine it if he was miserable and out of work, no job is worth that and i wouldn't be happy. Surely life is better where you are and he can improve things work wise where you are? I assume you both have friends and family where you are. If you're the main breadwinner can he retrain perhaps?

mightskys · 25/05/2019 01:27

Is there any chance your work would give you unpaid leave for 6-12 months? That way if you really hate it you can come back to your job and if you love it you can stay?

VimFuego101 · 25/05/2019 01:27

I mean - can he come home at weekends?

Gigglinghysterically · 25/05/2019 01:28

I don't think there is a compromise in this situation. Listen to your gut and do not go. If your DH hates his job then why can't he get another one here? If he insists on going then let him go but surely he will miss his baby?

You both deserve to be happy so, unless one of you gives in to the other, you need to give up on each other

parietal · 25/05/2019 01:29

you & baby should stay in the UK.

does either job allow flexibility - work from home or unpaid leave etc - so that you can make it work as a long-distance relationship for a year

then in 1 year, you can re-evaluate.

sunbunnydownunder · 25/05/2019 01:41

Don't do it, if things fall apart between you then you are stuck there as you won't be allowed to take your child home with you without their fathers consent.

cordeliavorkosigan · 25/05/2019 01:48

Red flags for sure.
You probably don't want to say where it is, but to me it makes a difference if it is the EU, Canada, USA vs somewhere like the middle east, in terms of the level of rights you would have living there, and the legal details if you wanted to come back to the UK. But you need to be careful .
Doesn't sound like you should go.

0DimSumMum0 · 25/05/2019 01:49

Can he go ahead first and then you visit him in the meantime? You might find that you learn to like it after visiting a few times. New places can often feel very daunting but can grow on you after a while. I know this from moving countries myself.

HeddaGarbled · 25/05/2019 01:53

Sorry, but there really isn’t a compromise here.

Daft idea for you, as the bread-winner, to sacrifice your career, IMO.

How far along are you? Have you handed in your notice?

flyingspaghettimonster · 25/05/2019 01:56

Don't go! I agreed a temporary move to America 13 years ago while my husband got his PHD. 5 years it was supposed to me. It took 2 years before I started liking the place, and meanwhile his PHD ran into problems and took 11 sodding years. During that time my grandparents died and most of my reasons for returning to England were gone. Now I will probably be stuck here for the rest of our lives, because my kids won't want to leave the country they consider their own. I keep asking for my husband to look for work in the UK, but moving home again would he a huge deal after so long. Meantime I rarely see family, and am going to be unemployable pretty much by the time I get a visa that allows me to work. Who would want to hire someone who hasn't worked for 15 years?

I don't dislike our lives here, there are many wonderful things about it, but if I could turn back time I would never have agreed to leave. I lost myself, becoming a stay at home ex pat.

AlexaShutUp · 25/05/2019 01:57

I have been in a very similar situation. I told DH that I wouldn't stand in the way of him taking the job overseas and that I'd support whatever decision he made, but I wasn't prepared to move or give up my job and I didn't think it would be fair to move our dd either.

In the end, he chose not to go, but if he had chosen otherwise, I'd have respected his decision and tried my very best to make it work. At the end of the day, we only get one shot at life, and I didn't want either of us to have any major regrets.

Purpleartichoke · 25/05/2019 02:06

Do not move to another country
Without any financial independence
Without the prospect of good work if you return
And from where you may never be allowed to leave if you want to remain in the same country as your child

managedmis · 25/05/2019 02:09

Yeah don't go.

dreichuplands · 25/05/2019 02:55

Being a trailing spouse is hard, I've done it a few times giving up my work for a few years each time. I am not the main wage earner and it has made sense. But just to repeat it is hard.
If your relationship breaks down overseas you can end up stuck there as you are not allowed to bring your DC home.
I am moving heaven and earth to get back to working and so far it has taken over a year, I reckon it will take two in total.
I don't think these moves work unless everybody really wants them.

Weenurse · 25/05/2019 02:59

💐 don’t go

SunshineSpring · 25/05/2019 03:07

Writing as a person who did give up their career to follow DH round the world, and am reasonably happy we made the right choice, dont go. Too many warnings - and if he pushes this through, would he allow your child to return to the UK if you wanted to come home?

Has he really gone from being the secondary earner to being able to support a whole family in terms of salary??

Aquamarine1029 · 25/05/2019 03:08

Don't even think of moving. Quite frankly, I seriously doubt your marriage is going to last. You MUST protect and plan for your future. Do not make such a horrible mistake as to leave yourself financially devastated and trapped

CJsGoldfish · 25/05/2019 03:13

I'm sorry you find yourself in such a position OP., I cannot imagine how hard it is.
You really can't go, there is way too much for you to lose if you do. You also cannot make your DH stay. He would have to come to that decision himself and if he doesn't I really hope it works out for the best for you all.